Being Punished

[sunnyskies]

I am going mad. I wish I could just stop talking to my bf but I can't. I feel like I need to make him see that he is wrong about me. I don't know why I don't just give up. I hate that he is completely wrong about me. So here are some things...

When my bf and I first met, I had received a few text messages from men that I saw or slept with before I met him. One of them told me he wanted to see me again someday and I was not serious but I said, sure! maybe one day and that was that. I don't know why I didn't say I have a bf now but I just didn't feel like dealing with it. Then another guy that I did sleep with, he had texted me and was telling me that his life sucked at the moment. He didn't treat me so well so I told him things like you will be fine but don't tell girls your life sucks etc. He then said you probably regret ever meeting me. I told him no I don't regret meeting him, I regret what we did (as in having sex). Well my bf went through my phone and read this exchange. He then confronted me and asked me if I slept with the guy. I lied and told him no but later confessed to sleeping with him. This was a year and a half ago.

To this day, I'm still hearing about it. That I lied to his face and I'm a liar. I never loved my bf because guys i had once seen I talked to when we were first dating. I stopped talking to them when he asked me to and I rarely talked to them.

In addition, I have a daughter. The way she came about wasn't the best story in the world but it is what it is. She is 5 now. Long of the short is I had a bf at the time she was conceived but we had broken up for a short period of time. My daughters father was in a relationship and cheated on his gf. We stopped talking and I got back with my bf and he stayed with his gf. I found out I was pregnant. My bf and I split and my daughters father and his gf stayed together and are now married.  Well, my bf wants to punish me for the situation and how my daughter came about. He calls me a slut and a whore. He says that's just who I am.

Our entire relationship he would go through my phone. He also went through my emails and read emails between my ex and I. Another thing he is upset about is that yes, I did have a lot of nude photos on my computer. It wasn't my fav thing in the world but my ex liked it. When we broke up and I had the baby etc I was thrown for a loop. I did have a little bit of a promiscuous stage but not that bad. I was dumb and sent out some naked pics and did stupid things. I'm not proud of it but I don't do it anymore. Well, my bf snooped through my computer 2 weeks into dating. He found the pics and demanded I delete them. So I did. Well he went back through and found more. He claims I was holding onto them. No I just overlooked them. I still hear about that to this day as well.

Well... unbeknownst to me, my bf had copied all of my photos to his hard drive without my permission.  So fast forward to today.

My ex says he doesn't want to be with me I'm such a slut and a whore. He says that I'm a cheater and a liar and I cheated on my ex and had my son. The other reason he calls me a cheater is because a few months ago I couldn't take it anymore and I flew to another state to visit a male friend of mine that I've known for 16 years that he told me I could no longer speak to. I got so tired of him telling me what I can and can't do and calling me names so I left. Well now he says I slept with my friend. I truly did not. I was upset the entire time I was away but I needed to get away. To prove a point.

He will say things to me like, go back to you friend and get stuffed. He will constantly say I cheated on him. I'm a slut, a whore, a cum dumpster etc.

I'm not any of those things and I never once cheated on him or wanted to. The only thing I did was talk to a few guys through texting when we first met. I never cheated, never saw any guy. He wants to punish me for things I did before I met him and for things that happened when we first met.

Oh and he's been going off on me and sending me my pictures via text message calling me a whore. I told him to delete them off his computer he refuses.

It's just maddening. I know I didn't do anything that terrible to deserve this... at least I don't think I do... or do I?

[Mutt]

Hi sunnyskies,

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. It's causing hurt and suffering. I can relate. I tried to reason with her until I was blue in the face and it took me a long time to accept that the reality of it is - she is mentally ill. My logic and belief system is an entirely different one than hers. She has a distorted belief system that is very real to her just as my belief system is real to me. It's hard to come to terms with that I'm sorry .

The heart takes time to catch up with the head. It is what it is. The same thing happened with me with a girl I slept with messaging me during the very early part of my r/s with the person with BPD traits in my life. MSN messenger was still popular then and I had removed her as a contact ( girl I slept with) and my wife ( gf living with me at that time not spouse) saw the exchange. It was simply a friendly " hey how are you doing?" and my ex gave me the screws. Till the day she left almost 7 years later it was still an issue. I believe it triggers feelings of being abandoned or the possibility of but she became dysregulated - because she can't cope with anxiety and stress.

I'm not sure why your bf is so jealous but from my experience doesn't it sound like control? Control over someone when they are snooping around everything then using emotional blackmail to make you feel bad? Maybe it triggered feelings of perceived abandonment from him - something very scary and difficult for him. You had a stage of promiscuity and it's as you say, it is what it is. It doesn't make you a bad person but why is your ex looking at you like your bad? A pwBPD see the world in black and white and the same goes for the people in it. So he is undervaluing you, looking at what is black to him. You are the sum of both white and black - your are in the grey area and it's not coming from a centered person. He is mentally ill.

You are not a cheater or a whore as he says. He has split you black - a primitive defense mechanism for him that he's not aware of. He has nothing good to say about you. But the reality of life is that it's in the grey area. Please don't take his splitting to heart. Your not as he says and I think you know who you are. I'm glad to hear your not hard on yourself but his insecurities are his own not yours. I hope that helps  

[stuckgirl]

im sorry you're feeling this way sunny skies,i hope,i honestly hope that your bf sees the person you need him to see and not what he has made up in his mind,but,being in a relationship with a person with BPD,i know its impossible.

its great that you know who you are and like mutt said, not hard on yourself,but until you try to go back in time and change what happened in your past he is not going to think anything different of you.this is what he wants to believe,something he has to believe to deal with his intimacy,abandonment problems,if you hadnt talked to your guy friends or flown to see your friend,well,believe me you would still be in the same situation,to meet his needs he would be accusing you of sleeping with people and cheating on him and nothing about the impossibility of it (e.g lack of time, lack of evidence) would change his belief,not even recognizing he had BPD.

i believe he is getting to you because he's calling you these names over the insignificant things that actually happened and thats making you feel blamed.

there are so many people here who are accused of cheating when their days consist of nothing but working till 5,taking care of the kids,perhaps making dinner then sleeping yet their BPD partners still find a way to believe they are cheaters and scumbags.

he's not mentally well,and you cannot make him change what he thinks,i think you need to accept that

but a method that works for me is that when my uBPD fiance is accusing me of something i didnt/dont do i sort of turn the table on him,and for some reason it calms him down.no idea why

if he says you were busy with your family and didnt pick up my call,i'd probably tell him you were too busy with your family and were calling out of guilt (i know its a mad thing to say to a normal person but to him its okay! i just call it going BPD on him)

[sunnyskies]

Your replies definitely help.  He definitely will never "get it" or see it from my point of view. We met yesterday to see each other "one last time" I guess. I asked to talk to him in a moment of weakness and it took a lot of coaxing.  So we met and he thinks I should be apologizing for all of the terrible things I did. He blames me for everything and says I never can make the right choice and I never correct my mistakes. All I did was talk to a guy I had slept with via text in the beginning of our relationship but it wasn't even in a friend like hey friend kind of way. It was more like hey I am seeing someone now, good luck kind of way.  The other issue is my good male friend that he wouldnt let me talk to and he says I was shady and hes my ___ buddy.  Instead of him being rational of course he exploded and is speaking loudly in public (we were at a park) about me sleeping around and being a slut and a cheater.  He refused to be calm and talk and would talk over me and not listen.  He eventually got up and left with me in tears. He was calm, cool and collected. He even said look at you and your crocodile tears. YOu don't see me crying. Yea because I'm frustrated because it's all non sense. Its exhausting.

[stuckgirl]

im sorry you had to go through a scene in a publiic place ,and be mocked when you were hurt (i do know how that feels : )) but if your relationship is over,do try to get back up,i know it probably might hurt for a long while,but please dont blame your self for it.

just dont think if you hadnt talked to your friend in the beginning,you and your bf would be good as new.

he would ve picked something else to accuse you of,believe it... .it was his insecurity,his complete need to feel it was your fault that you guys had problems and not his,because acknowledging it would have caused him severe feelings of shame,pain and failure,and all this would have been on a subconscious level,and coupled with all the other mixture of feelings/traumas/past experiences it would have been too much.

ive been contemplating leaving my partner for some time... and have almost decided but just talking to him,realizing what he's going through,what he feels when he wakes up in the morning,goes to sleep with at night,makes me feel bad that i can leave him but he has to live with the pain,BPD must be hells own official disease for the sufferer,who is left alone,without support,in his own misery and bitterness,convincing himself night and day that it wasnt his fault and he's not different from others... .i feel it very much nowadays that a pwBPD is in hell 24/7,and his partners have to go through a LOT,but it is still just a percent of what he is in, that might be because i dont very trapped nowadays,am contemplating leaving him and thinking how it must/will be for him alone.

sorry i got so into my story

but your bf was going to think the things any way,think you were to be blamed any way,because the alternative must have been unacceptable.

maybe its a lot to ask of someone,but can you think of it as a 'favour' you did him,so that he can tell himself he isnt a failure and his relationship didnt fail because of him being a failure? 

i know when even living the relationship,its one sided,but think of this as perhaps giving closure to yourself.

hope it helps...