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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Has anyone else had to take all the blame for the break up?  (Read 640 times)
kc sunshine
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« on: August 11, 2014, 01:38:16 AM »

My ex pwBPD keeps making me apologize and take all the blame for our breakup. I certainly am a lot at fault but I don't understand why she keeps on at me about it. If I try to defen myself or explain it gets exponentially worse.    

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kc sunshine
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« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2014, 01:39:39 AM »

Oops, i meant for that to be   :'(
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Aussie JJ
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« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2014, 01:41:04 AM »

Yea,

Some of the nastiest stuff I have ever heard come out of someone's mouth about our breakup.  In truth, when confronted she didn't know what to do, I hate it, I hate it so much it's not funny. 

All my fault, she tried, she put the effort in, it was me that failed her. 
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Ventus2ct
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« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2014, 01:50:43 AM »

This is common, we are at fault for their problems, they blame everyone else for their issues, they then seem to believe that we are in fact to blame for everything and then they seem happy to tell all and sundry that they have been wronged, they did no wrong, nothing ever seems to be their fault.

Mine was the same, I was too: Clingy, needy, insecure, possessive, nice, caring and add anything you wish to the list!

I mean how in a relationship can someone be too nice?

I became all of the above after 3 months of devaluation, anyone would have become the same under such circumstances. Even if I was none of the above there would have been other things that were wrong, hell, she even moaned that I spent too long on the dumper in the morning.

Mine did have a "joker" card that started it all off and she would pull it out every time she felt like it, the abortion card, she had one, I felt I didn't wish to have a child with her after 2 months and this card was the one played at every opportunity.

I even told her that she was doing "irreparable damage" to "us" and yet she carried on, it is always our fault and always will be our fault.

You need to just forget it (hard I know) because it wasn't your fault, you made the effort, went the extra mile only for it to be thrown back in your face. This takes some time to come to terms with but you will and you will then start to see how in fact the end was not your fault, but this all takes time to see.

The way I look at it is that whatever they say about you is in fact them talking about themselves, I see it regularly even now when I speak with other people, I do find it very interesting.
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hergestridge
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« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2014, 02:44:35 AM »

By the end of our relationship it was so obvious that the had ___ed up that she didn’t have the nerver to blame me outright. She came up with all this nonsense about how we had “grown apart” and didn’t have anything in common anymore. How we didn’t like the same tv series and didn’t have any anything in common apart from a dream home, caring for our daughter and having great sex.

I thought to myself (but I didn’t tell her, since I didn't want to miss this chance to end it all) that many people would kill for a marriage with a dream home, shared loved for a daughter and great sex.

Having separate interests of our own would be seen as an asset and a sign of maturity by most people, but she managed to turn that against me too.

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vre
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« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2014, 03:48:37 AM »

I got all set to craft you a "leaving" type post, but figured I'd better go back and read your first posts. I see that you have some hopes of rekindling things with her at some point in the future. Maybe it would be helpful to read or post on the "Undecided" or "Staying" board? There are folks there that are trying to keep the lines open with relationship partners that have checked out hard.

Given that she has BPD, her ability to see your point of view is limited, and given that the two of you are broken up, she has no real incentive to even try. It would be really hard for you to be heard by her at this point.

Here's a suggestion: the book "Feeling Good" by David Burns, reviewed on this site, has some good information on having successful conversations with difficult people. In chapter 6, "Verbal Judo", he gives a 3-step process:

1) Empathy: ask questions about exactly what the problem is; get specific.

2) Disarming the Critic: find ways to honestly agree with what your opponent is saying.

3) Feedback and Negotiation: explain your position and emotions tactfully and assertively, and negotiate any real differences.

Now in your case, step 3 is probably off the table for the time being, so it may be better to not try to go there for now. But if you could make steps 1 and 2 work, you might be able to have interactions with her that would be more constructive and easier on you.
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Infared
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« Reply #6 on: August 11, 2014, 05:32:32 AM »

Oops, i meant for that to be   :'(

No... .no... .you had it right the first time!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

My pwBPD was always blameless. I know she is sick, but how does one exactly have a conversation about a serious topic with someone like that?

   

You can't.

I understand what vre is saying above... and quoting the Feeling Good Book and all... .but I found that I could not have any verbal judo with a blameless 7-yr-old?  "Find ways to honestly agree with what your opponent is saying". My "opponent" cheated on me and constantly denied it. If I agree with her lies... .I am just trying to manipulate her back and to me, that is just one big fake mess. There really is nothing to talk about when one person is a sociopathic liar, is there?  Painful stuff.
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Caramel
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« Reply #7 on: August 11, 2014, 06:36:27 AM »

Yes. All of it. Always.

I was the selfish uncaring lair cheat who brought the worst out of him every time he raged, called me names and was mean to me. I was the reason the relationship did not work. I didn't have to do anything specific to be blamed for, my mere existence was something to apologize for sometimes.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #8 on: August 11, 2014, 02:36:09 PM »

Now I'm thinking that taking all the blame is an okay price to pay for getting out. It still is tough though. Perhaps what I'm learning here is that it is okay not to be thought of as the "good guy," okay to make mistakes, okay to leave if you have to.

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Turkish
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« Reply #9 on: August 11, 2014, 02:57:45 PM »

Mine took a surprising amount of responsibility (she cheated, still with the guy)... .privately. Publicly? That's another matter, as she did a not so subtle devaluation campaign of me on FB (which is why I blocked her when she was still living with me). She continued and continues by posting how great it is to have a guy that does x,y,z, he is so good to her, etc... .and so on. The reality is that she has an immature r/s with him half the time when she doesn't have the kids, and he's an accessory when they all hang out. No commitment, no real responsibilities of running a home or taking care of the kids.
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
myself
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« Reply #10 on: August 11, 2014, 03:19:28 PM »

Yes, even though she left me, moved out and said goodbye, she scapegoats me.

The disorder made her act impulsively, destructively, not me. She's her own trigger.

It seems like blame almost doesn't count when the realities are so different.


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woofhound
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« Reply #11 on: August 11, 2014, 04:43:39 PM »

Duuuuuuuuude... .story of my whole relationship:

Some examples here if you want them:

1. She did drugs one night with a friend at her friends house without telling me... .I found out the next day when I asked why she had ignored my calls. She said it wasn't a big deal and no to worry. I told her I was concerned that she hadn't texted me, but was willing to let it go. She then did drugs the next night, and texted me at 3am to tell me, which in her mind made it ok. The next day I told her I was concerned about her partying too frequently as it causes health and mental problems. Then it was ok because I occasionally use drugs. The next night she goes to Memphis and does drugs in a public setting. When I explained that I was concerned for her health, she stated that I was controlling.

2. I show up at our home for lunch one day, and she's at home, which is odd because she'd never once been there. She says "I quit my job. I couldn't take their BS anymore." We were getting by at the time, and I had been encouraging her to look for a new job, so I was supportive. 3 weeks later she hadn't applied for a single job. She also became very emotionally distant, and would start crying if I urged her to get a job. Eventually, the bills caught up (much more quickly than expected) since she also had locked the engine up on her car, and I had to have it fixed. I chose to leave again. It was my fault because... .actually i'm not even sure. At first it was about not being supportive, but as the conversation went on the reason changed and changed again.

3. Most recently, we had a breakthrough at couples counseling (which was BS since she lied the entire time we were going) where we realized that we did "love" eachother (they aren't actually capable of love). She immediately, went to an orgy and had sex with two people. She then began texting me to fill me in on all the details on how great those people looked and felt... .Later she showed up at my house late at night and said "I'm sorry I did it, but you always push me away when we get too close... ." I never pushed her away unless she was acting crazy.

The only ends they work toward is control or personal gain. They aren't capable of empathy; especially if it is in regards to how their actions affect other people.
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camuse
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« Reply #12 on: August 11, 2014, 04:54:10 PM »

Mine took me to an orgy just to observe then complained I'd been looking at the women. She said she wanted a boyfriend whose head wasn't turned even at an orgy. I realise it was a trap

By the way, she fondled several of the women there but that was OK because.she said.she did it for my entertainment. As I type this I can't help wondering how I ever thought this was normal.
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Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #13 on: August 11, 2014, 05:09:33 PM »

Both break ups were entirely my fault.  He dumped me but they were entirely my fault.
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maxen
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« Reply #14 on: August 11, 2014, 05:13:36 PM »

wow i needed to read this thread. i was forgetting what it was like.  

If I try to defen myself or explain it gets exponentially worse.

This is common, we are at fault for their problems, they blame everyone else for their issues, they then seem to believe that we are in fact to blame for everything and then they seem happy to tell all and sundry that they have been wronged, they did no wrong, nothing ever seems to be their fault.

It was my fault because... .actually i'm not even sure. At first it was about not being supportive

that's what it was like
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woofhound
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« Reply #15 on: August 11, 2014, 05:30:57 PM »

Mine took me to an orgy just to observe then complained I'd been looking at the women. She said she wanted a boyfriend whose head wasn't turned even at an orgy. I realise it was a trap

By the way, she fondled several of the women there but that was OK because.she said.she did it for my entertainment. As I type this I can't help wondering how I ever thought this was normal.

On many occasions I've asked her if I was sexually outgoing enough. She would always reply something like "you're sex I amazing. I don't want anyone but you, and i'm hard to get." Yet, since we've broken up she's had sex with at least 3 people that I've heard of (one of which has a pregnant fiancé)... .typical BPD lies
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Blimblam
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« Reply #16 on: August 11, 2014, 07:38:23 PM »

my ex recognizes she acted selfish and what not but she believes she did it because I was this that and the other. so essentially in her mind it is my fault.  SHe believes me to be the source of the negative energy. For a while I thought it was my fault too which is some of the most damaging aspects of the relationship as a whole.

They do have a sort of empathy but it is a kind of vulnerable narcissism.  Remember in the beginning I am assuming a lot of us were in a vulnerable stage in our life.  They recognized this and in my case she actively went out of her way to help me.  The degree of thoughtfulness and kindness I received from her was amazing.  SHe meant it but if you break it down it made her feel good about herself.  Most good deeds people do are to feel good about themselves as a person. Me helping her made me feel good about myself too.

They are like everyone else in that they have empathy when it suites them. Their ability to empathize is much more limited by the disorder and how it serves to protect them from feeling shame, guilt, remorse. A lot of the tactics they use to feel good about themselves are ones people around us use every day. I often find myself envious of her ability to utilize her denial projection distract forget think happy routine. If you think about it though this same routine is espoused all over the place as how to be positive though.  I think the vast majority of people live their lives in a sort of denial distract forget think happy routine.  We definitely had to in our relationships with  our BPD exs. 

I think this is an opportunity to become aware of how that cycle requires one to control their environment around them to fit in with the projections they see themselves as and it hurts people around them because it limits ones empathy. Now we know just how badly it can hurt someone to do that.  Stoping ourselves from doing that is a huge undertaking. We have enough self awareness to pursue making these changes. It wont be easy.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #17 on: August 11, 2014, 10:26:32 PM »

Whoa, these stories hit so close to home. In our conversations, she went on about how bad I was to her, but when I tried to say anything in explanation, she told me to stop playing the victim. She also said that she wanted me to be held accountable for causing her so much pain. She said it in a chilling way-- kinda scary, actually. 
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willy45
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« Reply #18 on: August 11, 2014, 10:46:28 PM »

Yup. It was 100% my responsibility, she told me. I needed to take 100% ownership, whatever that means.
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MommaBear
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« Reply #19 on: August 11, 2014, 10:50:12 PM »

Yup, especially since mine is now getting validation from my replacement and has changed his identity once more.

He denies EVERYTHING. Takes NO responsibility, and even went so far as to say that he never had BPD, he just lied about getting the diagnosis as a way of getting me back.

Yes, because nothing says, "I love you" like telling the person you've been treating like garbage for years on end that you have a personality disorder.

He blames me for every single thing that went wrong, and while I admit I was an enabler to some extent, I can't even listen to his nonsense about the things he blames me for.

My head hurts and I'm just too tired for this new version of his gaslighting.
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forgetthepast
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« Reply #20 on: August 12, 2014, 07:04:55 PM »

After we had made love once, she cried and said, "Nobody has ever made love to me like that before  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post).  Then after she dumped me she blamed me that we weren't intimate enough.  So that makes me the one with the intimacy issues? 
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topknot
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« Reply #21 on: August 12, 2014, 09:39:34 PM »

I have "victim thinking" (whatever that is), I am suffocating, possessive, controlling, he needs to get out and has never looked back.  Because I called him on all of his immoral behavior, said it was NOT okay with me, not okay to be flirtatious, lie, schmooze everyone around him.  Nope.  All my fault.  No responsibility whatsoever.  His possessions in three places, and LOOK, Topknot, what I have had to GO THROUGH because of you... .
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elessar
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« Reply #22 on: August 12, 2014, 09:49:59 PM »

I think most of us will say yes. In 2006 it was my fault that I wasn't of her religion. When I converted (things we do at a young age), she broke up because she can't be with me if we aren't married, and she can't marry me because I cannot support her (we were both wrapping up college then). 2011 she mirrored me and idealized me for a few months, then broke up saying she can't be with me because she has to change herself to be with me (I guess she was describing her own mirroring). And that I am not tall enough for her, rich enough for her, or educated enough for her (by then I had a master's degree, three years of employment, zero debt, and was in a PhD program) and cannot support her lifestyle that she wants. Then 2012 through 2014 recycled me for most of the same reasons. Last month her reason was about money and that she doesn't think I will be a good father to her children because I like to give people choices and she thinks people cannot decide for themselves and we should make decisions for them (ironic because she has complained half her life how she is under the control of her father who has to approve even her leaving the house... .she is a 30 year old dentist living with parents). Breaking up with me cannot be her parents' fault (the original reason), it cannot be her fault because she "loves" me and wants to marry me, but since she has to leave me... .the only alternative is that is has to be my fault. She can't say that I mistreated her or never loved her, so she has to invent flaws in me so she can leave me.
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