Why?... do I still play her game

[JonnyKrunch]

So many posts in this forum bring back memories that I had stored away somewhere.

I can't start my story from the beginning, it would take too long. So I am going to start toward

the end.

Quick background first-

Married 11 yrs, together 13. She had two small children when we met, I am the only father they

have ever known, we have have one child together. Six months before we married she saw me looking

at another woman's butt. I made one denial, then I admitted it. I admitted the disrespect, and over the years

I think I admitted things about it that weren't even true, just so she would shutup.

I remember reading stories about people who sat in prison for years because they confessed to a crime they didn't commit.

I used to think that was the most absurd thing, but now, ahem, I get it.

I was truly sorry I did it, it hurt her. And for a year or so after it seemed the worst passed. WRONG!

This incident has been her excuse for any bad behavior she has exhibited.

Seeking attention from other men, drinking too much, not going to kids school functions, crashing my truck,

smashing my beloved guitar into 100 pieces, and wow the arguments filled with rage,

and poor kids terrified and crying. That was always enough for me to shutup and try to comfort them, which of course, made her angrier.

This is the short list, and they didn't all happen at once.

She has the ability to relive the incident like it  happened five minutes ago, and she can pull up the same emotions.

Her version of the story is kinda like a fish catching story... .it gets bigger each time you tell it.

Good Grief-

I just read over this post and I guess I did kind of start at the beginning, and my subject title doesn't even match what I wrote.

Sorry bout that, but now I feel too brain dead to change anything.

I will continue soon tho, if you will have me.

[goldylamont]

I wouldn't put much stock at all on the accusation or the reoccurring 'emotions' regarding you checking out a butt over a decade ago. This is a convenient excuse for her behavior and a handy scapegoat to get you talking about your perceived 'issue' rather than her current problems. To argue for or against this at this point achieves its purpose for her to divert argument away from the real issues. My guess would be if she brings this up again, then validate how she's feeling "I can see that this event upsets you", but then leave it at that. And don't apologize as this is simply engaging more and as you've stated will only serve to justify her bad behavior.

[Wrongturn1]

Jonny: sorry to hear she smashed your guitar - that sucks!

If the butt-gazing was a deal breaker for her, then her opportunity to walk away was before you got married.  I suggest that you do not participate in any further drama regarding the butt-gazing incident.  The next time she brings it up, you could say something like this:

"This is a topic we have discussed multiple times before.  I have apologized and said what I needed to say, and I have nothing more to say on the subject.  In fact, discussing this subject seems to hurt our relationship more than it helps, and because I want only to help our relationship, from this point forward, I will not engage in any more conversations about this - and if this subject is brought up, I reserve the right to take a timeout until things are more peaceful by leaving the room or the house and taking some time for myself."  [notice I do not use the word "you" because BPD's are allergic to it]

Hang in there!   

[JonnyKrunch]

I wouldn't put much stock at all on the accusation or the reoccurring 'emotions' regarding you checking out a butt over a decade ago. This is a convenient excuse for her behavior and a handy scapegoat to get you talking about your perceived 'issue' rather than her current problems.

Definitely a convenient and infinitely reusable excuse. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't put so much stock in it, I'm trying to figure out how I can do that? Its been pounded in my head for years, and at one time I bought into it, even though I knew "normal" people don't handle it the same way. I know I wouldn't handle it that way. I believed the BS about her being a misunderstood person, and that she was just sensitive. Much of her logic almost made sense, I knew it wasn't correct, but when it got mixed with emotion... .I should have just tattooed the word SUCKER across my forehead. Ha Ha... .

I even made excuses for her to other people about her behavior. That's how deep in the hole I was.

In the last 18 months or so things became so much clearer to me concerning my enabling. I guess just wanting that same kind of love she used to give... .and I would get glimpses and flashes of it, enough to keep me going and wishing/wanting

[JonnyKrunch]

Jonny: sorry to hear she smashed your guitar - that sucks!   

That guitar helped get me through some hard times. I have bought a couple of different ones since , but its not the same. I don't even play anymore.

It really broke my spirit. And I think it is the one thing she really regretted doing. But... .

according to her-I need to look at what drove her to it. Well I guess I should say what drove her to it.

We lived too close to the school for bus service, but too far for the kids to walk. One day I got off early and picked them up. No Problem. The next night... .I was asleep for maybe thirty minutes and the door came flying open. She then proceeded to slap and punch me till I grabbed her wrists and got her to stop. It was just total rage. That may have been the first time I saw her like that. Her reason... .when she picked up the kids that day one of the girls working the pickup lane walked over to the vehicle looked in and walked away. According to my wife, she did this because I must have looked and showed her attention from the previous day when I picked the kids up. On this day, she looked in and saw it wasn't me, she turned around and walked away, disappointed. That's problematic enough, and I didn't have a clue who she was talking about. Either she was off that day or wasn't working the pickup lane. And I told her they have to look in the vehicle to make sure the right person is picking the kids up, that's their job... .a couple of months later she said she may have been wrong about that one, but she retracted that soon. To this day she still "feels" she was right.

In a nutshell I have told her what you suggested... .of course it didn't sit well with her, told me I can't do that because the situation isn't resolved, etc.

She knows how to push my buttons.

And so I relented.

Weakness on my part, I know. I wasn't like that in previous relationships. My friends were fairly amazed at what I put up with, and even telling me that I used to never tolerate such things.