Ugh... apparently I'm still processing

[SpringInMyStep]

Hi all. It's been just under 3 weeks since my BPD wife moved out and I started the divorce process. (we're both women)

At first I was SUPER angry and fired up. So happy to be free and back to my life. That first week was filled with social activities including some with a friend from out-of-town. I did a lot of things to clear out all evidence of her from my condo. Did a lot of things for myself. It was fun and productive and I felt good.

Let me be clear - I do not miss her nor do I want her back. Splitting up is the absolute right thing to do and I don't regret it at all.

It's just that these past few days I've been in some kind of funk. I felt really sick to my stomach and called in sick to work on Thursday and Friday. I literally just sat around watching three seasons of Sons of Anarchy on Netflix, doing nothing, not wanting to hang out with friends or anything. I could barely get up the energy to take my dog outside.

A woman on a dating website messaged me the other day and then we started texting. We both commented about how we felt some sort of connection. I told her I had to go slow since it's so soon after my wife moved out. Then after just one day of texting, I freaked out, realizing that it really is too soon for me to even think of dating anyone. I don't trust other people, but also I don't trust myself to not fall for someone really fast and then lose myself all over again in another relationship. So I cut it off with her.

Now I'm sitting on my deck in the city, it's a beautiful day, breezy, warm, listening to the relaxing sounds of the fountain in the courtyard.

Yesterday a mutual friend of ours came over to pick up some things I was giving her (the friend, not the wife), and when I asked about my wife, she said "she's doing alright, keeping busy, going to game night and dating and stuff". I don't know why, but this really bothered me. It's like some part of my brain didn't want her to be doing alright. But then I have to come back to reality and understand that "doing alright" is relative. She is not magically cured of her BPD. She hasn't magically started having healthy relationships. The friend said that my wife asked about a jar of money that she left here. It contained $40. This woman has a trust fund and is the cheapest person I've ever met. I said no, she's not getting that money. We can call it even for the last time I paid for her prescription medications and that actually doesn't come close to covering it. I was furious! But then of COURSE she asked about money. It's all she cares about, along with what people can do for her.

I want to stop wondering what/how she's doing all of the time. I want to stop looking at her online dating profile to see the latest updates and thinking about what a crock of BS it all is as she looks for her next prey.

My wife consumed my life for an entire year, so it's like I am so afraid of someone controlling my life and taking up all of my time that it's hard for me to even make plans with friends. I need all of my time free so I can do whatever I want without having to consider another person.

Ugh. I'm rambling... .but I don't know exactly what this is that I'm going through right now. It's frustrating.

[myself]

it's like I am so afraid of someone controlling my life and taking up all of my time that it's hard for me to even make plans with friends. I need all of my time free so I can do whatever I want without having to consider another person.

It's still intense. It's still happening. Not much time has passed yet.

Of course you're still processing this. Take it at your own pace.

You're going to get there when you get there, with effort, but no hurry.

You're gaining control of your life now, which is most important.

The more you follow through, the more you'll relax. The more sure you'll be.

That will be the time to include others. When it comes naturally.

[SpringInMyStep]

Thank you. Yes, I definitely enjoy being with my friends and I do eventually want to have another relationship. Guess I have to learn how to do that in a healthy way. It's waaaaay too soon.