I broke NC this morning: The curtains draw closed

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I've gone through a lot over the past 3 years with my suspected (actually pretty sure she definitely is BPD), and thanks to the good people here who were brave enough to share their experiences, I have finally made the step to cut all ties and free myself from the cycle.

Over the past few weeks I've spent many, many hours reading posts, sharing experiences, learning and understanding this disorder, and in doing so, I have been searching my own soul. The experience of having this person has been a more powerful and prolonged pain than even the death of my own father.

After several hours of quiet reflection I decided to send a final message to my ex. I had been putting this off for two reasons: 1.Becase, until recently, I had been blinded by anger, and knew that she would be able to tell that no matter how I tried to fake it. This would allow her to still have power over me; something I can no longer allow.

2. Because I hadn't yet gained enough knowledge to accurately and concisely put my feelings on the matter out.

Last night, while working the night shift and listening to some good music, I thought long and hard, taking occasional breaks to check the forum and see replies to posts I made etc. I can't recall how it happened or which post I was reading when it happened, but something clicked. All the pieces of the puzzle fell into place.  Realized that the similarities between the experiences of fellow members and myself were too similar, and that I did, in fact, believe that my ex was BPD, it wasn't my fault nor hers that things turned out this way, and that, ultimately, even though she had tortured me, abused me, cheated, lied... .really, at the core of it all, I had to empathize with her. I had to love her, but in a different way. I couldn't let her use me anymore. I couldn't worry about what she was out doing. I couldn't let her convince me that I was the problem, because ultimately, each and every one of us is accountable for our actions.

I lined all of this out for her, being clear that I didn't want her anymore. I told her I loved her (in a different way now), that I couldn't harbor a grudge for my own sake, not hers, and that I wished she would get help... .even though for the course of my life it would mean little whether she did or not. It didn't even matter to me if she read the text I sent. I just needed to say it knowing that it wasn't with the intention of winning her back.

For the first time in 3 years I can feel my "self" again. I can be Jason again, and not just "Her" boyfriend. I'm not her pet. I am me.

I know the road to recovery is not over. I know that some days i'm going to miss certain parts of our relationship, but at the end of the day, in ridding myself of the burden of her and her disorder, I have gained something far more valuable; my dignity, myself respect, and my self reliance.

Thank you all so much. Really. It just goes to show... .If you go in search of light, you will find it, because it really is everywhere 

[woofhound]

I've gone through a lot over the past 3 years with my suspected (actually pretty sure she definitely is BPD), and thanks to the good people here who were brave enough to share their experiences, I have finally made the step to cut all ties and free myself from the cycle.

Over the past few weeks I've spent many, many hours reading posts, sharing experiences, learning and understanding this disorder, and in doing so, I have been searching my own soul. The experience of having this person has been a more powerful and prolonged pain than even the death of my own father.

After several hours of quiet reflection I decided to send a final message to my ex. I had been putting this off for two reasons: 1.Becase, until recently, I had been blinded by anger, and knew that she would be able to tell that no matter how I tried to fake it. This would allow her to still have power over me; something I can no longer allow.

2. Because I hadn't yet gained enough knowledge to accurately and concisely put my feelings on the matter out.

Last night, while working the night shift and listening to some good music, I thought long and hard, taking occasional breaks to check the forum and see replies to posts I made etc. I can't recall how it happened or which post I was reading when it happened, but something clicked. All the pieces of the puzzle fell into place.  Realized that the similarities between the experiences of fellow members and myself were too similar, and that I did, in fact, believe that my ex was BPD, it wasn't my fault nor hers that things turned out this way, and that, ultimately, even though she had tortured me, abused me, cheated, lied... .really, at the core of it all, I had to empathize with her. I had to love her, but in a different way. I couldn't let her use me anymore. I couldn't worry about what she was out doing. I couldn't let her convince me that I was the problem, because ultimately, each and every one of us is accountable for our actions.

I lined all of this out for her, being clear that I didn't want her anymore. I told her I loved her (in a different way now), that I couldn't harbor a grudge for my own sake, not hers, and that I wished she would get help... .even though for the course of my life it would mean little whether she did or not. It didn't even matter to me if she read the text I sent. I just needed to say it knowing that it wasn't with the intention of winning her back.

For the first time in 3 years I can feel my "self" again. I can be Jason again, and not just "Her" boyfriend. I'm not her pet. I am me.

I know the road to recovery is not over. I know that some days i'm going to miss certain parts of our relationship, but at the end of the day, in ridding myself of the burden of her and her disorder, I have gained something far more valuable; my dignity, myself respect, and my self reliance.

Thank you all so much. Really. It just goes to show... .If you go in search of light, you will find it, because it really is everywhere 

[Aussie JJ]

Wait to tomorrow you will long for her and crave her again.  Keep posting, keep reading and keep learning. 

You said yourself that you hope she gets help however their is recognition that you cant be that help for her any more.  I encourage you to keep developing yourself and understanding your own motivations.  I am stuck unfortunately with 15 years of dealing with her because of a child.  I will never be able to leave that responsibility, nor should anyone every try to make me as she has done so many times. 

Love yourself, care for yourself and if at all possible forgive her.  It is the hardest thing to do of everything.  BPD is a problem out of their control and certainly out of your control. 

[woofhound]

Aussie,

I'm sure that some days will be harder than others, but I was thinking about this today... .I have overcome demons in my life before, and, fundamentally this is no different. I will keep posting. It will serve as a reminder that I cannot go back; only forward. However, to say that I will again crave her is to question my resolve. Now is a time for inward reflection for me, and being away from her has been one of the greatest reliefs I've experience in my life. Since our parting of ways I have reenrolled in college, began woodworking again, and have begun to express my true self again, which, in our relationship was hindered by relentless emotional barrages. Finally, I am free. Finally, I can pick up the pieces and build a new and better me.

I was at war.

And though the aftermath was grim, it caused me to look within. The power of choice over our own destiny cannot be ignored. I gave her the power like a fool. Only now do I realize that I don't need that in my life.

[Blimblam]

woof,

I it seems like you are making a lot of headway.  The thing is when you set up situations like "can't" or "couldn't" I think you are setting yourself up with unrealistic expectations on yourself.  You definitely can think about her again.  The thing is if you do it is ok.  You have a lot of emotions pent up inside and it is ok to feel them to their fullest. The fact you have chosen to detach is a huge step.  Enstead of "can't," think in terms of "don't want to," you may find that at times you, "do want to."  It is ok if you do want to their is no shame in that.  Sometimes we are bargaining and getting back in touch reminds us why we are choosing to detach. 

Be gentle with yourself is a phrase often echoed on here.  Think about this though being gentle with oneself is accepting ones self as you are.  If you feel what you feel maybe explore why you feel that way? What is your part in feeling that way? It is easy to get caught up in who you are trying to be.  Maybe try  remembering who you are.

it is not a race it is a process.

you are taking steps in the right direction