Confronting about BPD

[kookaburra13]

Ok, so I know this is probably ill-advised in most cases, but I am sure some of us have wondered what would happen if we somehow managed to tell our uBPD about BPD.  I am feeling like one thing that is holding me back from cutting my mom out completely is that I almost feel bad for her.  Like I have sort of forgiven her and I want to throw her this one last help line before I leave the situation.  That way I would feel like I truly did everything I could.  If you have done this, how did you go about doing it?  Any suggestions?  How did he/she react?

[littlebirdcline]

I am having a similar debate with myself right now.  I can say that my therapist said that telling her I think she has BPD would not work, and would probably make things worse.  And frankly, if they haven't been seen by a professional, we cannot say for sure they are BPD. 

I did tell my mother recently that she was mentally ill, without putting a label on it, and gave a list of behaviors that I think are disturbing.  I explained that I know she was traumatized as a child and that has caused her to react/ feel the way she does.  Her response "I am not going to a mental doctor.  That doesn't mean I'm not crazy, but everyone has to deal with things in their own way."  Then she proceeded to say horrible things about me and blame me for destroying the family.

I am struggling with my need for her to recognize it and get help, and the fact that she will never, ever do it.  Intellectually, I know any arguing or trying to convince her I have any point at all will fail, but I still want her to know the truth.  And that is what is keeping me from giving it one last shot, I think.  If I could just reconcile myself to the fact that any relationship I have with her, the responsibility to protect myself and "handle her" properly will be constant- and mine alone.  My brother and my dad seem content to just let her be herself and ignore it.  I don't have the energy anymore.  It's worse than trying to parent my five year old.  At least his emotions are somewhat predictable and understandable from a five year old perspective.  I don't have the energy to parent her, too. 


My dad and brother both want me to make up with her, because it would make their lives easier.  My brother argues that she has done a lot of wonderful things for us, which is true.  So, I do feel guilty and want to give it another shot.  But I just keep putting it off- I think- because deep down I know it will only blow up in my face.

Sorry for rambling.

[kookaburra13]

I guess where I am coming from is that I know there have been people diagnosed with this disorder, but how did they get to that point?  Part of the disorder is not realizing there is anything wrong, so there had to be something that snapped them out of it.  I am thinking of sort of an intervention.  Like nicely telling my mom about BPD and reassuring her that I believe in her and it is not weakness, but also letting her  know that if she does not get help and she does not address the issue, she cannot be in my life anymore.  How do you get a person like this to admit to something being amiss?

Thanks all!

[littlebirdcline]

If she's anything like my mom, she won't.  It is truly a hallmark of the illness.  I tried nicely.  She ignored it.  Sent me snarky emails.  I got a snarky letter yesterday, and emailed her back a little less nicely, but still holding a lot back.  I have yet to even say BPD to her, only that I think she is mentally ill.  She responded that I need to just let her be herself and to never email her again. 

[Deb]

My sister was told by the docs in the psych ward she had BPD. She told me. I hadn't heard of it before and didn't know what it was. There were others in the room when she told me, but it doesn't stop her from telling peope that I diagnosed her! And she is not happy about that. If you decide to tell here, just be ready for her to deny it. Denial is strong in people with BPD.

[Jema]

I took the route of convincing my uBPDm to go therapy together because we were not communicating--something she supposedly is concerned with. She thinks I am not quite right (in the head), because I don't act the way I did when I was 11 yrs. old--her frozen-in-time view of me. I am sure she was thinking: "Yeah, someone will finally tell him how crazy he is."

So we have had a few sessions together. (She is on the east coast, co-located with the therapist, and I am on the west and participating via Skype.) Today, she walked out of the session when the therapist started validating much of my behavior and attitude. At this point, I don't know if I will ever see my mother again... .

From the little I know in general (but from the vast experience I have with my own situation), I would not even give a hint that you suspect mental illness, you will immediately be blacklisted, and cast as a villain.

BPDs value loyalty above all. Any actions which cast aspersions will be viewed as disloyal, and everything you say thereafter will be viewed with suspicion.

I related my story above to show that you don't even need to go near suggesting anything to alert your BPDm, just having a third-party validate you can send her off.

I hope this helps.

Cheers,

Jema

[P.F.Change]

I guess where I am coming from is that I know there have been people diagnosed with this disorder, but how did they get to that point? 

Probably more often than not, it is due to being admitted to hospital for suicide attempts. It is much less common for someone to decide to go to therapy because their child thinks they have a mental disorder. The response you are likely to get is one of hostility and projection, rather than the "Oh, gee, you make a good point, I'd better get myself to a therapist quick!" you may be hoping for.

Your question is a common one--many of us have wished our parent would just get better. Telling them about the disorder is often a last-ditch effort to try to turn them into the parent we want them to be. It just doesn't usually accomplish the intended goal. You may find these resources helpful (I did!):

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

I am Not Sick I Don't Need Help!

Radical Acceptance for family members

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Linda Maria]

Hi there!  I can only agree with what everyone else has said.  Despite everything my uBPDsis has put me through, I don't wish her any ill, and would love to hear that she has gone for therapy, made changes, and is happy.  I think she is probably very unhappy.  But given that saying anything nice, or neutral provokes an avalanche of abuse from her, I can't see how I will ever be able to tell her, and as I am largely NC there is no real opportunity.  It's such a Catch 22.  I just hope that someone else that she trusts may one day be honest with her, but I think it's unlikely - and they will then just become the next target for all the distortion campaigns etc.  It's just another part of having to "accept" this is how it is, and not feel guilty that you can't do more to help - because you really can't.  If you're like me, and like to feel in control of things, and like to resolve things, make things better, make people happy, it's very hard to get your head round the fact that there really is nothing you can do.  Sorry not to be more positive - I too would love to hear a solution for this.  JB

[littlebirdcline]

In a recent conversation, my mother remarked she had seen some books about BPD in my house.  (She was snooping.)  She said sarcastically, "Is that what you think you have now?"

I responded, "No.  That's what I think YOU have."

After a stunned silence, she told me how condescending and rude it was that I would think I could understand her, and began attacking me again.

It does no good to tell them the truth.

[Takehiko]

Hi. I told my uBPDM that I thought she had BPD, on the telephone, after an incident where I realized I couldn't remain with our relationship as it was because it was tearing me up. I was expecting all kinds of things, rage, suicide threats, turning up on my door in tears. I am the last person in our family she is still in contact with. I had to tell her that her behavior is what pushes people away and that she should get help for it. Also I told her I loved her. The only threat I got was "If you want I'll go somewhere far away and you'll never have to see me again" which isn't too bad. There were a lot of excuses too of course. She agreed to make an appointment with the doctor (and then did). She had heard of BPD from working in the medical field herself. On some level I think she knows things aren't "right" with her. She told me that she would never get diagnosed because she knows how to "play a role" with a psychiatrist.

Doctor's appointment is coming in a few weeks. I'm pretty sure she only agreed out of fear of abandonment by me, she emailed saying "I'll do whatever you want for our relationship to continue" or something along those lines. However, she did agree, and frankly, I can't handle her myself so the only way was to get the professionals in or tell her to get lost.

This probably isn't advisable given what I have subsequently read, but it seems to have worked, so it IS possible at least ... . 

[Wrecked]

I remember once, my ex-MIL came over to the house stating that she was so terribly insulted that her family doctor had suggested that she go for therapy.  At the time, she had been spending a lot of time crying and complaining to her friends how awful her family was.

At the time (about 28 years ago), I didn't know anything about BPD, only that she was a very annoying person who drove me insane so I welcomed the thought of her going to therapy. I gently suggested to her that because she seemed to be so depressed, maybe therapy could help her cope.

A couple of days later, she came to the house and said that she had been to see a therapist and had explained her situation in full to the therapist. She said her therapist told her that there is absolutely nothing wrong with her and that she was the sweetest and dearest person her therapist had ever met and that it was not her who was crazy but all of her family is crazy.

[Gerda]

I did it, and it turned out pretty much the way everyone else has described.

However, I don't regret doing it, so maybe that makes me unusual. The only thing I regret is that I shouldn't have mentioned BPD. Then that made it look like I was "labeling" her. Instead I should have just stuck to the dysfunctional behaviors she has. But then again, that probably wouldn't have made things much better. (My mom did go to a therapist, and then told me her therapist was absolutely sure she did NOT have BPD, and I just made it all up as an excuse to cut her off.)

Like you said, you want to believe you did everything you could, so I think if you feel that way, then it's worth doing. But in that case, it would be more for you than for her. I think a lot of the advise people give about not doing this is from the POV that you're trying to maintain a civil relationship with this person. If you're not. If you're really ready to let go, then I don't see the problem with it.

Just be prepared for her to react really badly to it. If you're at the point where you're willing to cut her off completely, then be prepared for this "intervention" to be the last straw before going NC with her.

But at least then you could leave the relationship knowing you did everything you could. For me, I think it helped because it cleared a lot of the lingering doubts out of my mind.