Tried to be strong for past couple of years... breaking down tonight

[Depression = 72% of members]

Sorry everyone, it has been a rough 24 hours for me. Everything over the last 14 yrs is flashing across my eyes. From my childhood as a 15 year old who fell for her with a teenager's love, to thinking about her being with someone else today. I feel pity for myself thinking how I spent of last 10 yrs trying to support her and care for her. I feel sad for that young boy who had no idea what this girl will bring into his life. I was there when she opened about her past sexual abuse after suppressing for 13 yrs, I helped her prepare for dental school when she had failed her medical school exams. I was there when she was suicidal, I was there when she was all alone with no friends and no support from family. I feel stupid for not listening to my friends, all of whom warned me that she doesn't seem to be emotionally stable. All I had to do was google "emotionally unstable" to read that BPD is the first hit. But I lived in denial that anything is wrong with her, that she is going through PTSD because of her past sexual abuse and her lifelong emotional abuse by her parents and siblings. When she would leave me for those very family, I would defend her. When she defended her family who threatened to murder us, I still tolerated that. When she started seeing and talking to other men, I was nearly done, but I didn't completely cut off and let her come back again and again. Whenever she rejected my proposal to marry her, I didn't stop. Yet I allowed her to spin the story saying I am not committing to her and allowed her to slap me twice. Yet in a few days when i proposed with a ring, I allowed her to say No and yet allowed her to come back. I supported her in getting into a graduate program, yet I allowed her to say I am not her equal in education because I am a PhD and she is DDS. I allowed her to tell me I can't provide for her and she has to marry someone who is more financially stable. I allowed her to come crawling back to me this summer, only for her to blame it all on me again and decide to accept another man's marriage proposal. Today she loves me and wants to marry me, tonight she wants to marry someone else, and next week she is publicly flirting with him. I allowed her to replace me as if I meant nothing, as if my feelings and efforts over last 10 yrs meant nothing. I am having a hard time forgiving myself as to why I allow all this to happen. I am going to be entering my 30s not knowing what a real, healthy relationship feels like, or a what a healthy woman is capable of giving or not giving. I have rarely felt this bad since I was suicidal three years back when she broke up saying I abandoned her because I was moving out of town for my doctoral school. Tried to intellectualize this illness for so long, but sometimes the emotions become overwhelming.

[elessar]

Sorry everyone, it has been a rough 24 hours for me. Everything over the last 14 yrs is flashing across my eyes. From my childhood as a 15 year old who fell for her with a teenager's love, to thinking about her being with someone else today. I feel pity for myself thinking how I spent of last 10 yrs trying to support her and care for her. I feel sad for that young boy who had no idea what this girl will bring into his life. I was there when she opened about her past sexual abuse after suppressing for 13 yrs, I helped her prepare for dental school when she had failed her medical school exams. I was there when she was suicidal, I was there when she was all alone with no friends and no support from family. I feel stupid for not listening to my friends, all of whom warned me that she doesn't seem to be emotionally stable. All I had to do was google "emotionally unstable" to read that BPD is the first hit. But I lived in denial that anything is wrong with her, that she is going through PTSD because of her past sexual abuse and her lifelong emotional abuse by her parents and siblings. When she would leave me for those very family, I would defend her. When she defended her family who threatened to murder us, I still tolerated that. When she started seeing and talking to other men, I was nearly done, but I didn't completely cut off and let her come back again and again. Whenever she rejected my proposal to marry her, I didn't stop. Yet I allowed her to spin the story saying I am not committing to her and allowed her to slap me twice. Yet in a few days when i proposed with a ring, I allowed her to say No and yet allowed her to come back. I supported her in getting into a graduate program, yet I allowed her to say I am not her equal in education because I am a PhD and she is DDS. I allowed her to tell me I can't provide for her and she has to marry someone who is more financially stable. I allowed her to come crawling back to me this summer, only for her to blame it all on me again and decide to accept another man's marriage proposal. Today she loves me and wants to marry me, tonight she wants to marry someone else, and next week she is publicly flirting with him. I allowed her to replace me as if I meant nothing, as if my feelings and efforts over last 10 yrs meant nothing. I am having a hard time forgiving myself as to why I allow all this to happen. I am going to be entering my 30s not knowing what a real, healthy relationship feels like, or a what a healthy woman is capable of giving or not giving. I have rarely felt this bad since I was suicidal three years back when she broke up saying I abandoned her because I was moving out of town for my doctoral school. Tried to intellectualize this illness for so long, but sometimes the emotions become overwhelming.

[Huh?]

Double post.

[Huh?]

Man, Im sorry.  Your story is horrible.  What an incredibly selfish woman... .but then again they all are (BPDs).   I get it, I get the pain... .I also struggle with it as well.  :)aily.  Minute by minute.  Nothing makes sense.

Ill tell you what tho... .after dating a uNPD, and two subsequent uBPDs afterwards over a period of ten years... .I am also like you... .no concept of a healthy relationship... .or what it feels like to be with a woman isnt making absolutely ridiculous and unobtainable demands.  No idea what is like to be in a relationship with a woman who isnt accusing me of cheating, or wanting to cheat.  No idea of what it is like to be in a relationship with a woman who isnt telling me I dont make enough money, or do enough for her.  The public put downs, the raging... .and on and on.

What I can tell you tho is, after dating all three of those women I know 100% what NPD and BPD looks like.  I kinda knew after the second, but I didnt listen to my gut.  I let my "white knight" complex cloud my instincts.  

The NPD I dated, also left me a few for a new guy a weeks after I helped emotionally and financially support her through Law School.  I felt so used and betrayed.  It meant nothing to her.  

This is what we have to learn from these toxic relationships.  We have to use our experience to know when to walk away.   Honestly, looking back... .you know there where many times when you should have walked away from her right?  All three of my exs showed who they really were within two months.  Absolute craziness. I know its hard... .but now you know the outcome.  I never ends good... .ever.

I for sure know that now.  Took three times getting beaten down and on the ropes to learn that I must protect myself.  When the first signs of BPD are present... .Im running.  Chalk it up to experience.  Your ex, her BPD is her hell.  She will NOT be any different with the next guy.

[elessar]

Thank you for those words. I was on these boards most half of last year. I learned a lot. I got great support. I kept those walls up. The growing up memories with someone who wasn't so crazy and selfish held me back from going absolute no contact with her. The closest I came, besides finding out about her dating, was when last summer around her birthday she invited/disinvited me till the day of her party. Having our birthdays fall on the same week, I moved mine and inconvenienced my friends so I can attend hers. She told me "you can be my bodyguard while I dance with others, and if someone gets too gropy you can guard this body". should have never talked to her. nor allowed the invites/disinvites. I guess she couldnt directly disinvite me that late, so she started giving hints. afternoon of the party told me - "you will look short standing next to me when I am wearing heels, and i dont want to be seen like that". not only did i take the hint (finally) of not going, i didnt talk to her for 2-3 weeks during which she became a guilty child. so many chances to walk away as you said... .my greatest sin was not to go on full no contact. even this year I kept my boundaries up, and what makes my head spin is that it took her only a few mins of me breaking my boundaries and expressing my emotional feelings for her to again destroy my feelings and self-esteem. ugh. considering how her current prospective husband entered the picture while she was still sleeping with me and declaring her intent to marry me, i do not expect it to be a long term happy relationship... .if they get married that is. and i do expect to hear from her some day. i hope i have the strength not to reply.

[Huh?]

I wish you the best.  I know for sure that if my ex came around and batted her pretty little eyelashes and cried a few crocodile tears... .all the while saying the "right" things Id have a hard time turning her away.  However, that is where the quandary lies, and that is the most torturous part of these situations.  I want her back as Im sure you do... .but there is no way I can take back a woman who has been with another man.  But I want her back.  It sucks.   

You have so much history with this woman, I wouldnt be surprised at all if you hear from her.  The thing you need to remember is that you need to protect yourself.  She will do it again.  Shes proven that 100 times over.

Youre a good man. You have a PHD and a lot of other good things going for you. Leave her to her madness... .and enjoy the silence while you have it.    

   

[Infared]

End it here and now.

I needed to get help. I also learned that anyone that I was sexually attracted to was unhealthy. Every time.   I needed to not be involved with anyone and I needed outside help. "I" had to change if there was any hope for my future. Tough stuff.

Short definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

[elessar]

Thanks folks. Today is day 30 since she told me she has accepted marriage proposal, and day 30 of being in No Contact with her. This is definitely the longest I have gone without contacting her since her 4 year disappearance. I have to let go of the idea of the girl I knew in school and college. And I have accepted that the woman she is today would have made our marriage miserable, if we had been married. I am hoping with therapy and time I would be able to forgive myself.

[Infared]

Thanks folks. Today is day 30 since she told me she has accepted marriage proposal, and day 30 of being in No Contact with her. This is definitely the longest I have gone without contacting her since her 4 year disappearance. I have to let go of the idea of the girl I knew in school and college. And I have accepted that the woman she is today would have made our marriage miserable, if we had been married. I am hoping with therapy and time I would be able to forgive myself.

Its interesting ellesar... .one of the things that "normal" people have to hold onto later in life (or cherish) is knowing about the times when you met,  things that you did when you were younger... .those thoughts and feelings about the past "can" enrich the present with a healthy relationship. I am sad... I do not have that either, but I also was with someone that all of the things I cherished from the past were to her something to lie/change the story about what happened so she could ruin/control the present.  All of it meant NOTHING to her. Not healthy love or empathy there. Nothing.  It meant soo much to me.  Once she got her new hero he was GOD and everything that I/we ever did was garbage. Everything. (I know differently, though).

You mention having to forgive yourself and that is a step forward.  After all of the %(#@ that mine committed she had the nerve to say to me... "what, you can't forgive?". ... .my response was... (after she had lied, cheated, abuse me in public, etc. etc. etc. and admitted to nothing, apologized for nothing and blamed me for everything)... ."well... what EXACTLY am I forgiving you for?".

I got "crickets".  LOL!    I, like you, came to that place where the only person I had to forgive was myself... FOR PICKING HER!... .when... .if I am brutally honest... .all the    's were there... .I just decided to ignore the, wasn't able to love myself enough not to get involved in fixing the victim.  

... I think the fact that you recognize that you need to forgive yourself is good growth moving forward... .and it is a process, too... .so work at being patient with yourself. 2 steps forward... 1 step back... .2 steps forward... .

[elessar]

Yup, very true. Especially about forgiving myself. It is about forgiving myself for allowing it to happen to me. There were enough warnings, enough    from people, from my own brain. I just put all trust in her. I had this saying about her since much younger days - "in the end she will do the right thing". you know what, i don't want to wait till that end anymore. telling me she is sorry when we are 80 isn't going to fix something. i am a forgiver when someone apologizes. even if they don't i forgive if i know its a mistake. but how do i forgive, or what do i forgive... .when she neither asks for an apology, and when she repeatedly does the same thing. and everyone is right to tell me that i allowed her to do this to me. so, i have had a hard time forgiving myself.

like you, i loved making memories with her because it is something we cherish as we grow older. whenever she complains she is exhausted from her 6-days a week job or that she never had a real vacation in her life, i always tell her to go out and make memories. and as i am getting older i am realizing that i will look back on what was supposed to be fun part of life... .the 20s... .as just a painful black hole. i can't believe that the fact that i proposed to her with a ring had completely slipped from my mind. some memories are too traumatic and they fade away. she says she doesn't remember a lot of things from her childhood because of her sexual abuse. i feel i won't remember my 20s anymore because there is nothing worth remembering.