Marriage counseling quandary

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was undecided, but now I don't see how I can continue in this relationship.  To recap -- my psych (a cognitive behavioral therapist) guardedly suggests that my pwBPD wife (who has an unrivaled history of trauma, including two rapes and abandonment by her mother at age 11) exhibits BPD traits and there is a diagnosis for PTSD.  There is antidepressant use.  We see a marriage counselor together and she sees a LCSW who specializes in trauma.  Whilst in marriage counseling, she took a clandestine trip to a divorce lawyer one day after stating in marriage counseling that she viewed that forum as a "place to build trust." We can presume that she believes the trust building is to be restricted to the confines of our marriage counselor's office.  I then learned after a phone call from an irate husband -- the husband of her best friend, and the second such call I've had to endure -- that he believed that my wife's relationship with his wife had destroyed his marriage.  The history is that my wife intensely attaches herself to one woman after another, and treats that as her primary relationship.  She has a knack for finding emotionally needy women.  Remember, this is the second time I've had a phone conversation like this from a husband who thought that his wife's relationship with my pwBPD wife was wrecking his marriage.

So, here's the thing.  I'm reasonably confident that I will never be able to feel any romantic interest in this person again.  She's supercute and all, and we have two young kids.   But from my perspective, she may as well be an Ebola carrier.  I'll hug her but I will never be able to be romantic with her again.  She threw me out of the bedroom four months ago and there is no sign that I'll ever be welcome back in.  I feel like a tool.  And speaking of tools, 18 months ago she insisted that I have a vasectomy or there would be no sex.  Like an idiot, I had an irreversible vasectomy. 

I feel like medieval travelers must have felt when they walked past a plague town.  Don't go in, don't go near, stay away. 

Our marriage counselor is a twit.  My wife has said some fairly relationship-ending things to me both in the session and out, and every single statement of this type has been raised.  But my pwBPD wife consistently gets the better of the marriage counselor.  For example, my wife has said that she feels no attraction to me, that she has no desire to have me in her life for the rest of her life, that she had not one, but both of our children "because something was missing." Mind you, she initiated both pregnancies, not me.  I complied (like an idiot).  So, I have said repeatedly that I accept those statements as true, real and authentic, and that I think we ought to act on them.  Last night, I related how my wife recently told me she feels "trapped" and how I was committed to freeing her, that is, ending the relationship.  My wife backpedaled, and the marriage counselor helped her do that.

It's getting to the point where I'm going to have to stand up and say "Look.  You guys don't get it.  I don't care about the nuance that (my pwBPD) tries to add to her statements after the fact. Why don't we accept what she is saying as genuine and move forward?"

Thoughts?  The marriage counseling is now perpetuating the BPD.   

[goateeki]

I was undecided, but now I don't see how I can continue in this relationship.  To recap -- my psych (a cognitive behavioral therapist) guardedly suggests that my pwBPD wife (who has an unrivaled history of trauma, including two rapes and abandonment by her mother at age 11) exhibits BPD traits and there is a diagnosis for PTSD.  There is antidepressant use.  We see a marriage counselor together and she sees a LCSW who specializes in trauma.  Whilst in marriage counseling, she took a clandestine trip to a divorce lawyer one day after stating in marriage counseling that she viewed that forum as a "place to build trust." We can presume that she believes the trust building is to be restricted to the confines of our marriage counselor's office.  I then learned after a phone call from an irate husband -- the husband of her best friend, and the second such call I've had to endure -- that he believed that my wife's relationship with his wife had destroyed his marriage.  The history is that my wife intensely attaches herself to one woman after another, and treats that as her primary relationship.  She has a knack for finding emotionally needy women.  Remember, this is the second time I've had a phone conversation like this from a husband who thought that his wife's relationship with my pwBPD wife was wrecking his marriage.

So, here's the thing.  I'm reasonably confident that I will never be able to feel any romantic interest in this person again.  She's supercute and all, and we have two young kids.   But from my perspective, she may as well be an Ebola carrier.  I'll hug her but I will never be able to be romantic with her again.  She threw me out of the bedroom four months ago and there is no sign that I'll ever be welcome back in.  I feel like a tool.  And speaking of tools, 18 months ago she insisted that I have a vasectomy or there would be no sex.  Like an idiot, I had an irreversible vasectomy. 

I feel like medieval travelers must have felt when they walked past a plague town.  Don't go in, don't go near, stay away. 

Our marriage counselor is a twit.  My wife has said some fairly relationship-ending things to me both in the session and out, and every single statement of this type has been raised.  But my pwBPD wife consistently gets the better of the marriage counselor.  For example, my wife has said that she feels no attraction to me, that she has no desire to have me in her life for the rest of her life, that she had not one, but both of our children "because something was missing." Mind you, she initiated both pregnancies, not me.  I complied (like an idiot).  So, I have said repeatedly that I accept those statements as true, real and authentic, and that I think we ought to act on them.  Last night, I related how my wife recently told me she feels "trapped" and how I was committed to freeing her, that is, ending the relationship.  My wife backpedaled, and the marriage counselor helped her do that.

It's getting to the point where I'm going to have to stand up and say "Look.  You guys don't get it.  I don't care about the nuance that (my pwBPD) tries to add to her statements after the fact. Why don't we accept what she is saying as genuine and move forward?"

Thoughts?  The marriage counseling is now perpetuating the BPD.   

[seeking balance]

I might sound biased, but since this is the leaving board - my 8 mos of MC about destroyed me.  Prior, I was ready to leave... .as I started listening to MC making excuses and such for my ex - at one point even saying, "SB, she doesn't want a divorce, she wants the pain to stop" - I tried, did my best and lost myself.

My ex had a T & P, we had MC, I had a T; she  had gone to treatment center... .there is a point where too much happens and it is time to let go.  You will know when that is for you.

If you are leaving, I highly suggest the book Splitting by Bill Eddy so you know what you are in for - this is not a rational divorce process.

Peace,

SB

[tired-of-it-all]

If you have made the decision to leave, and that is your decision and yours alone, the sooner you get out the better.  Once you are out of her life and detach from her bad behavior, she will find someone else to torment.  I agree that the book "Splitting" is a good resource.  I have found that a firm hand is best with the BPD.  Not abusive mind you but firm.  Businesslike, emotionally detached, etc.  Think like dealing with a really dishonest car dealer or lawyer.  Don't accept lies, take care of yourself, set firm boundaries and enforce them, don't get emotional, move forward.  That has been my best method.

[goateeki]

You know, I really think that things have changed for me in the past few weeks because I no longer consider the trauma that divorce will have on the children as pivotal.  I have so little trust in her that -- I know how cheesy this sounds, but -- it seems impossible that I will ever be sexually attracted to her again. Like so many things lately, I do not feel it and do not feel motivated to feel it in the future.  I want to avoid it. 

Thanks for the advice and I'll probably grab that book.

[OutOfEgypt]

The history is that my wife intensely attaches herself to one woman after another, and treats that as her primary relationship.  She has a knack for finding emotionally needy women.

This jumped out at me because it rings so true for my ex wife.  She not only had affairs, she had "projects", too.  Projects were usually women, though sometimes men, who were broken and a bit needy, perhaps codependent, or even physically ill, and she would completely immerse herself into being their "friend" or "helper".  One time, after years of not helping me care for the children and dumping everything on me, she decided she wanted to move 6 hours away for a few months to help a friend who had cancer.  Sounds noble, unless you consider the sheer neglect in our home and the fact that I already knew the pattern.  In my experience, those dependent "project" people were not only used to build up her sense of purpose and self-esteem (as though just being a mom had a poor sense of purpose) but also the people she used to conceal terrible things from me.  She gained their trust and used them to be complicit in affairs against me.

Anyway, I agree with what some others have said... .the decision to leave is up to you.  If you feel the marriage counselor is clueless about what she's doing, then chances are good you are right.  I don't think many marriage counselors are trained in how to deal with people with bonafide personality disorders.  My sister was married to someone who is undoubtedly NPD or BPD, and he played their marriage counselor like a well-tuned fiddle.  So, it really comes down to what you want.  And call me old fashioned (I have a high view of marriage), but saying "I don't think I can feel sexually attracted to her anymore" doesn't necessarily mean you should leave.  That's why we take vows -vows transcend our feelings, because in pretty much every marriage those feelings undoubtedly leave for a time.  The lack of feelings seems to be clearly linked to the bigger problem, the real problem... .broken trust, resentment, etc.