BPD Mom - Constant Criticism

[jmanvo2015]

I've recently moved back home with my BPD mother and NPD stepfather, so I'm looking for advice from the group.

I love the tools SET, JADE and validating and have been using them with much success, so thank you to those of you that recommended these to me.

Does anyone have any other advice, though, about the constant criticisms and veiled insults?  It can really wear me down and I'm wondering how others have been able to detach themselves from it. 

For example, this morning my mother has already made off-the-cuff remarks about me not eating my oatmeal and not working out yesterday (I am trying to lose weight).  "You weren't able to sleep last night because you didn't go to the gym yesterday.  You were doing so good, what happened?"  and "Aren't you going to have your oatmeal?" 

The other day when I shared with her that I admired work a colleague did on a project, she responded, "YOU could really learn from her."

My mother, who is one of the most non-motivated people I've ever met, who has accomplished very little in her own life, seems to take every opportunity she can find to knock me down.  Meanwhile, I've accomplished a great deal.  I'm actually about 200 x more motivated than she is.

Is this her being competitive with me?  How should I handle it?  I can deal with not responding, and/or walking away.

But how do I not let those biting, critical comments chip away at my own feelings of self-worth and my own, already crippled, self-esteem?

Please give advice - it is much appreciated!    

[Indie]

Hi jman,

I felt my own little stabs (from my history with uBPDm) as I read your post because I think the veiled comments may be more destructive than something said outright.  When things are veiled, and you try to address them in a reasonable way, my experience has been to be have things completely shut down, turned around, pouted about and invalidated.   

I wish I could give you the exact advice to make it all better, but alas, no magic wand.   How have you responded in the past, and what was the result?   Would your mother agree to some kind of joint counseling?  Can you put a time frame on how long you will be living in the same home?   

Mental "shields" have somewhat worked for me in the past.  However, the shield gets very fragile easily, and breaks when I am not strong.   

[Ziggiddy]

jmanvo

I really feel for you. No matter how you try sometimes those things just get under the skin don't they? I find it helpful to remind myself that I am trying to have positive interaction even if she is determined on throwing stuff at me. Repeating that quietly helps me to try and reaffirm myself but I have noticed something else lately - whenever mother is determined to pick, I try and really listen and i have realised that everything and I mean EVERYTHING she aims at criticising me my brother my father and my sister ALL fit her perfectly. Now as she is speaking I feel this special secret insight that she is quite unknowingly revealing her own feelings about herself.

When she says to me "Humph. You can't remember it properly - all those years on drugs have addled your mind" I think "Poor you mum. All those years of having a tipple are affecting YOUR mind" And when she says "Your brother is bitter and unforgiving. No wonder he doesn't have any friends" I look inwardly toward my brother who has lifelong stalwart loyal friends who love him to the moon and would protect him fiercely i think "Poor you, mum. You think you are bitter and unforgiving and don't feel like you have friends and that must be hard to live with' etc etc

it's about realising that what she is saying has NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH YOU! Just like your mother's whole life has probably always been all about HER, what she's saying to you is STILL ALL about HER! 

And as you delve into it you will likely see sprinklings of her own pain - echoes of what her own mother said to HER. What it must have been like when SHE was a child. Hopefully this will contribute to your own growing self esteem.

best of luck jmanvo