Did your BPD parent teach you to neglect your own health?

[Gerda]

I've been mostly NC with my mom for a while and I'm in therapy, and it's allowing me to notice some "habits" I got from her that I should get rid of. One of them is never going to the doctor, or any other health professional, unless I'm in unbearable pain. I can always come up with excuses on why I should tough it out and don't really need to go.

About a year ago I got a job with good health benefits (yay!), so that took away my excuse that it costs too much money. I hadn't been to the doctor since I was a college student and could go to the school clinic. But I still waited until last May to get seen about a cough I had since January, and then only because my husband insisted. ("When you've been coughing for FIVE MONTHS, you need to see a doctor!"

I remember when I was a kid, my mom once coughed for what seemed like years and refused to see a doctor. So in part I think my feeling that I have to tough it out is because of the model she set. Except when she coughed, she'd make a huge dramatic deal out of it, while I was trying to hide my cough, until it got so bad that I couldn't anymore.

I got a prescription from the doctor, and it took a couple of weeks to clear up. So I could have done that months ago. I mentioned to the doctor, half-jokingly, that I was only there because my husband made me go, and she laughed and said usually it's the other way around.


I also get dental insurance through work now, so I decided to go get a cleaning, since that's covered. Before that I hadn't been to the dentist since 2011, when one of my wisdom teeth got infected, and then I waited until it was so painful it was keeping me awake at night. I got it pulled then, but that's all I had the dentist do.

So I thought this time I should go get a checkup and cleaning, and that was only because I wouldn't have to pay for it. Except the dentist found some serious problems. My other wisdom tooth has a big cavity, though it hasn't started hurting yet, the tooth next to it also has a cavity, and I have periodontal disease that needs to get treated (if left untreated, it eventually makes your teeth loosen and fall out). I've got three more appointments now to get all that stuff fixed, and thankfully my dental insurance will cover about half the cost, but this will still cost me more than it would have if I had just been getting regular checkups and they had found these problems sooner.

At the beginning of the checkup, the dentist asked me when my last cleaning was, and I just said, "way too long." When she found the gum disease, she said this can happen if you haven't had a cleaning in over three years, and then finally asked, "OK, be honest with me, how long has it been?" I shrugged and said maybe ten years. She said in that case, I'm actually doing pretty good, because it could have been much more severe after that long.

Now that I think about it some more, I think it's actually been even longer. I think I actually remember my last dental exam. When I was a kid, my mom had me get braces, which means I was at the dentist a LOT. But after the braces came off, I didn't go again for about two or three years. It must have been when I was about 18. I was still living with my mom but by then I had a car and made my own appointment and went there by myself, and they found a few very small cavities that they filled. They said they'll only get worse if I didn't get them filled right away, so I told them to go ahead.

I used my mom's credit card to pay for it, and when she found out she had been charged for some fillings, she was FURIOUS. She said she was sure they had cheated me, that I didn't really need fillings and they were just trying to squeeze more money out of us. She said I shouldn't get cavities if I do a good job brushing my teeth, so I just need to do a better job. They had also recommended I get my wisdom teeth out then, and she said absolutely not. She told me to never do anything like this again without consulting with her first, because I'm too gullible.

So I never went to the dentist again.

Also, I think it's interesting that my mom was willing to spend thousands of dollars on braces, something cosmetic, (and something she kept reminding me of ever since! "Smile! I paid a LOT of money for those teeth!", but got mad when I had cavities filled without asking her permission first because THAT cost too much money.

Luckily my new dentist is very nice and is optimistic that we'll be able to fix most of the damage that's been done to my gums, but I do have a tiny bit of bone loss in my jaw that won't grow back.

My doctor wants to do some bloodwork on me since I haven't had that done in over ten years too, so I'm getting that done next week. I hope that comes out better. I think my last test was also when I still lived with mom, and she said my cholesterol was slightly high back then, so I hope that hasn't gotten worse. I did get a well woman exam recently and that was all OK.


I think this perfectly fits with BPD though. It's a perfect combination of being a drama queen (I NEVER go to the doctor! I'm just going to suffer!), mistrusting everyone (doctors and dentists are just trying to cheat you out of money) and making me feel like a spoiled brat (how dare you waste my money on dental procedures!).

I just need to kick this habit that I've apparently internalized.

[workinprogress]

This is a great subject!

I'm 47 and I just went to the doctor for a check up this year for the first time since I was a teenager!

My wife discourages me from going to the doctor and always says they just want your money.

My dad used to say the same thing!  ":)octors only care about money!"   That being said, I can see that was projection on my dad and my wife's part.  Both are obsessed with money!

Anyway, I remember never missing school when I was sick as a kid.  I remember being exhausted from my dad and his drama and if I ever said I was "tired" he would immediately start calling me lazy and saying that I did nothing to be tired.

I now realize that everyone gets tired.  It took me 47 years to realize that!

I had to put all of my needs and emotions on hold as a kid.  I continued that until just the last couple of years.  I didn't even realize how bad it was.

So, I plan on seeing the doctor every year now and visiting the dentist every couple of years.

Our health should be a top priority.  Our emotions are also important.  I think we have been conditioned to neglect all of these things!