I'm so stuck.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My exBPD fiancee and I recently split for good. She had devalued me all summer and little to my knowledge, decided the relationships was over weeks ago and has been living with another girl since then. Complete and instant replacement. I made her have a heart to heart with me and she has told me that she doesn't love me anymore, along with tons of projecting over the past few days since I moved all of my things out of the house. Telling me I'm manipulative, that I hate her, that I always wanted to destroy her entire life.

So here's the preface of my issue - she's BPD, diagnosed Bipolar, and ADHD. I've basically supported her and us financially for the past year. Taken care of all our responsibilities at our home. And she expected me, even SAID to me, that she wanted to be friends and wanted me to move into the third room in our house and still live with her to help with bills and our dogs even while she dates some new girl in OUR room. So I said no, of course. Self-preservation on my part, I can't handle that. She literally doesn't even have money for food. She gets money from 'sugar daddies' she's never met who send her cash. Her only friends she had in our town got really close with me over the past year and now do not like her because of everything she's done to me and the crappy friend she's been to them. Our other roommate is moving out too so as to not get sucked into her whirlwind of using too. Now all my ex has is this new girl, who's moving to Cali and in college along with our two dogs, ANOTHER puppy she picked up randomly, and that girl's dog. Plus our three cats. She owes money to every hospital in town, can't pay bills, can't afford food, can't even pay her insurance or her car payment. Jobless.

Her mental state is deteriorating rapidly. Her mood swings have went from 10-12 times a week to 10-12 a day. She's split me completely black. But keeps texting me everyday about her problems, seeks comfort, then blames me for them. She's going to be alone for the first time without anyone there to distract her this coming Monday and I'm extremely worried about her self-harming (she's done it before and attempted suicide) but I know it shouldn't be my problem. Should I go to her if she needs me? Or completely disconnect?

[KrisK7]

My exBPD fiancee and I recently split for good. She had devalued me all summer and little to my knowledge, decided the relationships was over weeks ago and has been living with another girl since then. Complete and instant replacement. I made her have a heart to heart with me and she has told me that she doesn't love me anymore, along with tons of projecting over the past few days since I moved all of my things out of the house. Telling me I'm manipulative, that I hate her, that I always wanted to destroy her entire life.

So here's the preface of my issue - she's BPD, diagnosed Bipolar, and ADHD. I've basically supported her and us financially for the past year. Taken care of all our responsibilities at our home. And she expected me, even SAID to me, that she wanted to be friends and wanted me to move into the third room in our house and still live with her to help with bills and our dogs even while she dates some new girl in OUR room. So I said no, of course. Self-preservation on my part, I can't handle that. She literally doesn't even have money for food. She gets money from 'sugar daddies' she's never met who send her cash. Her only friends she had in our town got really close with me over the past year and now do not like her because of everything she's done to me and the crappy friend she's been to them. Our other roommate is moving out too so as to not get sucked into her whirlwind of using too. Now all my ex has is this new girl, who's moving to Cali and in college along with our two dogs, ANOTHER puppy she picked up randomly, and that girl's dog. Plus our three cats. She owes money to every hospital in town, can't pay bills, can't afford food, can't even pay her insurance or her car payment. Jobless.

Her mental state is deteriorating rapidly. Her mood swings have went from 10-12 times a week to 10-12 a day. She's split me completely black. But keeps texting me everyday about her problems, seeks comfort, then blames me for them. She's going to be alone for the first time without anyone there to distract her this coming Monday and I'm extremely worried about her self-harming (she's done it before and attempted suicide) but I know it shouldn't be my problem. Should I go to her if she needs me? Or completely disconnect?

[LettingGo14]

Hello KrisK,

Thank you for posting.  I am sorry this is so traumatic. Nothing makes it easy, but you are in the right place with people who have had traumatic experiences as well.

With regard to worry about self-harm, the answer may  be to call 911 (or other emergency number) if something serious arises on Monday or another day.  We all care about our ex-partners, despite the hurt.

We all begin where we are -- and it's okay.  I know this is fresh for you, and I wish I had a wand to make it better.  But, reading here and posting will give you a helpful perspective, and hopefully allow you to focus on yourself and your health at this time.

Does your ex-fiancee have family nearby who might also be involved if self-harm is a concern?

[KrisK7]

Hello KrisK,

Thank you for posting.  I am sorry this is so traumatic. Nothing makes it easy, but you are in the right place with people who have had traumatic experiences as well.

With regard to worry about self-harm, the answer may  be to call 911 (or other emergency number) if something serious arises on Monday or another day.  We all care about our ex-partners, despite the hurt.

We all begin where we are -- and it's okay.  I know this is fresh for you, and I wish I had a wand to make it better.  But, reading here and posting will give you a helpful perspective, and hopefully allow you to focus on yourself and your health at this time.

Does your ex-fiancee have family nearby who might also be involved if self-harm is a concern?

Yeah. I've thought about that. I have them on speed dial, at this point. Have for our whole relationships ironically enough.

Thank you, I appreciate the support. All of the stories and likeminded people have made a world of difference.

Unfortunately, no. Her family and her also had a huge falling out in the past three days over her taking one of her sisters expensive longboards without asking. Another point of concern for me, really. She's convinced that, "She's all alone." Last time I saw her, she was on the verge of tears, despite my being split back, and told me that she was all alone. And we had a moment where I held her by her arms and told her she'd never be all alone. It was strange.

[seeking balance]

I am sorry KrisK, I know this has to be very hard on you.

Although she and her family have had a falling out, perhaps they would be willing to help you in terms of getting her into treatment.  Based on what you are saying, it does sound like a crash is coming soon.

Has she been in a treatment facility in the past?

[KrisK7]

Maybe. I'm fairly close with her family, luckily. But she doesn't want treatment. She's went from admitting that she had a problem and was heading for a breakdown three days ago, willing to seek therapy, to, "I'm perfect the way I am! I don't need fixing! I don't need help!"

She's never had treatment. Been unmedicated for everything throughout adulthood.

[NorthLight]

I am sorry to hear your story.

You have found a good place for support

But what about you, how are you doing right now in this bad situation? I wish you good luck, like the others said, read and post here, it helps clear up your mind

[KrisK7]

I am sorry to hear your story.

You have found a good place for support

But what about you, how are you doing right now in this bad situation? I wish you good luck, like the others said, read and post here, it helps clear up your mind

It's ok. It happens, right?

Thank you. 

I'm getting better. Everyday is a struggle, but it's getting easier. Learning to let go of the hopes and dreams and rewiring myself against taking care of her is a work in progress. But I'm progressing. My biggest struggle is believing that there's some good left in her, that she needs me deep down.