Trying to recover from recent break up with suspected pwBPD

[Suspicious1]

I suspect my ex had BPD and I'm wondering if it is contributing to my difficulty in getting over the relationship. I'm finding this breakup much harder than any of my previous ones.

I suspected he may have BPD the second time he ended our relationship. Our relationship was characterised by him going through cycles of firstly idealising me, and then after three months rapidly devaluing and discarding me. The things that usually sparked it were jealousy on his part or fear that I was leaving him. We were together for 18 months and these cycles came every three months, regular as clockwork. He does have a tendency to split people and cut them out of his life - I've seen him doing it to other family members.

In the past I've approached him to reconcile and apologise (even when I really shouldn't have), but this time I've kept more of a distance and apart from him posting veiled messages on social media as well as approaching a friend of mine to try to talk about me/us, we've not had much contact at all and I've not spoken to him properly for about 10 weeks. He rejects any attempts of mine to communicate directly.

My question is really whether anyone this sounds like a typical relationship pattern with someone who has BPD and is this the way it usually ends? I have no idea whether to expect recycling or whether he's moved on. I guess either is possible but I'm trying to work it out. Previously the longest he's cut me out for has been three weeks.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. These boards have been amazingly helpful to me.

[goldylamont]

yes your experience does sound typical--the pattern. (multiple) endings. veiled social media messages. silent treatment used as punishment. jealousy. splitting. devaluation. other behaviors you may or may not be familiar with--smear campaigns, love triangles, lying, manipulation.

the moderators here can give you links to useful articles if you haven't read them already which can help. and keep reading others' stories which will help shed light. it's a tough journey that you are at the start of but trust that you will make it through. i'm glad you found us here 

[Suspicious1]

Thank you so much for your response, goldylamont, it's a relief to be here and to be able to talk openly. I've found not many people relate if they haven't had this particular break up experience.

There were other BPD markers as well, and when we finally split he was under mental health services so I'm hoping he's getting appropriate help. I didn't want the relationship to meds and I'm still confused about what happened. It was as if we just stopped talking to each other. I was hoping it was just time out but it appears not.

The veiled social media messages have gone from implying he misses me to implying I'm a monster in as little as 24 hours. If I reach out to him he just rejects me straight away though.

He's so terrified of rejection I doubt he'll approach me again (this is a characteristic I don't understand - I'd have thought fear of rejection would have prevented anyone with BPD to attempt a recycle), yet he does seem to still be trying to keep an eye on what I'm doing.

It feels like he's gone NC with me, yet some times I wonder if it's a version of ST. I wish there was a way of working it out.

[goldylamont]

well a lot of things can be going on, and post-breakup pwBPD can act differently. my guess is that this is not the last you will hear from him. it's true that for some people they will never hear from their partners again. for others they can't get rid of them and have to deal with stalking. it really runs the whole gambit. but the fact that your ex is using friends and social media as a proxy to connect to you tells me that he is still invested and will return in some way/shape/form when it suits him.

regarding rejection--you have to be careful for yourself in this case. sure he probably felt rejected by you, but no this doesn't mean that he would stay away afterwards worried that you would reject him again. often this play out as him 'punishing' you with ST, eventually reeling you back in, hooking you, so then he has the pleasure of rejecting you right back. even though you never rejected him at all, he may feel the need to reject you to gain some kind of control over the situation he imagines. i'd really like to hear others' takes on this but i wanted to give you some thoughts as they crossed my mind as well. in the USA it's in the middle of the night, the boards should be busier in a few hours and i'm sure others will give their insights as well. take care Suspicious1! 

[Suspicious1]

Thanks again - yes it would be good to get others' perspectives. I understand that pwBPD are individuals and all react differently, but I guess you can all understand my desire to make sense of it and work out what might be happening.

I think he definitely would have felt rejected by me - he felt rejected by me even when I was really keen on him, so me distancing myself (for the first time) would certainly have felt like a huge rejection, and I know from his past behaviour that he needs to switch this in his mind so that it's really him who has rejected me. That seems to be very important to him. Whenever I asked him about past relationships, he says he's never been left, he's always been the one to do the leaving and that he's never gone back. As I say though, he's left me several times and always reconciled with me.

Anyway, yes, I'd really like to get opinions. I sort of feel like he's gone NC, but then my instincts tell me it might be more of a punishment ST - the very few texts I've sent him have always got brief, noncommittal replies rather than silence, and as I said there have been a few things on social media.

I also think there might be some kind of attempted triangulation going on - the friend he contacted was a mutual friend, but more mine than his and someone I always talked to when we had our past splits. This friend has received messages from my ex asking him to go out with him specifically so that he could find a new girlfriend. He said it also sounded like he was trying to start a conversation about me, but my friend didn't want to get drawn in. I'm pretty sure he contacted my friend to "go out and find a new girlfriend" so that my friend would tell me that that's what he's doing. Whenever we've split in the past he's always tried to make me jealous.

Rather than hurting me, all these things are kind of showing me that he's still thinking about me, as you say. I'm assuming he wouldn't try to hurt me or make me jealous if he wasn't bothered about me, and is another reason I think it might be the ST.

Hmm. The whole thing makes my head hurt.

Thanks again for your input x

[camuse]

 

Good to have you here! I totally understand your desire to understand what the hell happened! These breakups aren't like normal ones - they make no sense!

Whether he had BPD or not, the patterns you describe are typical and and that's what matters. Idealisation/devaluation, it's very draining.

From your posts, what's happening probably isn't about you at all. Probably you have little to no control over what is happening.

Please be careful - these people can cause massive damage. Read, post and think it all over. It's unlikely this person is going to be good for you long term, and if they are BPD they will discard you without a second thought when they are ready.

[Suspicious1]

Thank you for the lovely welcome. I think all the cycles of idealisation and devaluation have left me a bit traumatised, and I feel like I've been conditioned to expect another cycle. Because of it all, it feels like I simultaneously need the validation of another cycle so that everything is back to "normal" and I feel loved and forgiven, and wanting to put as much distance between us as I know that logically this is a really damaging situation. Ultimately if I could just be over it, that would be really really handy.

I learned really quickly that the idealisation was as bad as the devaluation in terms of leaving me feeling like my real self wasn't being accepted; it felt as unrealistic as the demonisation so it's not that I'm craving, but there were periods of times in between when everything seemed calm and we seemed to just be enjoying each other's company. But then WHAM - he'd be rejecting me for something or other.

And wow, what a rejection it was. He went from being almost over protective of me, to behaving in a way that led me to suspect that if I was lying dying in front of him in the street he would have stepped over me.

Already I suspect I'm not the only person on here who knows what that feels like

[camuse]

 

You are still deep in the FOG at the moment, but you have found this site and all the answers are here - although some are tough to accept.

This is a critical time for you, as I understand it. You can survive largely intact, or you can let this person destroy you. There won't be anything in between so tread carefully. Understanding is the first step.

Only you can decide what is the best way forward. But if they are BPD, there is ZERO possibility of things working out, and cutting all contact for good is the only way you can begin to recover. In the meantime, all connection will harm you.

Please read all the articles on here, they are very enlightening. I'm sure more knowledgable posters than me will be along to help too!

Thinking of you.

[Suspicious1]

Since the initial weeks passed I've been disciplined enough not to contact him and have been completely NC for three or four weeks now. I feel like I need to speak to him to get closure, when what I really need to learn is how to give *myself* closure.

[camuse]

What sort of closure are you expecting? One of the most frustrating things about BPDs is they don't give closure. The only closure you can get is understanding the disorder.

It may be that you do need to contact him to realise this, before going NC. In the end, it's your decision to make. But beware of being recycled, or kept in the background as a backup. It seems highly unlikely this person will give you any meaningful answers - they are probably the one person on earth who is never going to do that for you.

[Loveofhislife]

Welcome--so often, I read these posts and my first thought is, "Wow, are we seeing the same pwBPD?" As odd as their behavior seems when we first experience it, we read others' posts and can't believe we're all experiencing the exact same thing! I am in my third week of ST. He owes me a large sum of money (some which he took dishonestly on credit cards, etc). He had promised to write me a large check on August 1 and obviously changed his mind (he is well compensated). He has not spoken to me since except to yell over the phone on August 1 that "I'll get you your f'in money!" Since then, I have received cryptic, infrequent messages. He has been a man who could not go 5 minutes without texting talking or seeing me over the past year. This is the second major ST. My T said he's a sociopath and that a lot of his "need" was for money and stability. I feel used and abused, and that's when I can actually feel anything. I have been in a state of shock, denial, and depression. We are in the right place on this board where my resolve is fortified and my situation feels more real. If not for all of our saves pictures and texts, this ST makes it feel like the last VERY EXPENSIVE year with him never happened. Expensive financially as well as emotionally and health wise.

[Suspicious1]

Now there's a good question. I suppose what I want to know is simply what happened. There was no argument, there was just a sudden lack of communication. I suspected he had just found someone else but I have no idea. I wonder if it was because I'd said or done something wrong. I don't know if he was pushing me away deliberately or if he'd just backed off because of something else. I've no idea if he's overjoyed we've split or if he wishes we hadn't. Any information would help, really.

I can't bring myself to contact him again though - I tried four times now and each time I got grey-rocked. The only indication I have had that he had something to communicate were the veiled social media messages.

[Suspicious1]

Welcome--so often, I read these posts and my first thought is, "Wow, are we seeing the same pwBPD?" As odd as their behavior seems when we first experience it, we read others' posts and can't believe we're all experiencing the exact same thing! I am in my third week of ST. He owes me a large sum of money (some which he took dishonestly on credit cards, etc). He had promised to write me a large check on August 1 and obviously changed his mind (he is well compensated). He has not spoken to me since except to yell over the phone on August 1 that "I'll get you your f'in money!" Since then, I have received cryptic, infrequent messages. He has been a man who could not go 5 minutes without texting talking or seeing me over the past year. This is the second major ST. My T said he's a sociopath and that a lot of his "need" was for money and stability. I feel used and abused, and that's when I can actually feel anything. I have been in a state of shock, denial, and depression. We are in the right place on this board where my resolve is fortified and my situation feels more real. If not for all of our saves pictures and texts, this ST makes it feel like the last VERY EXPENSIVE year with him never happened. Expensive financially as well as emotionally and health wise.

Oh goodness, I'm sorry to hear you are going through that. I relate to what you're saying about the ST though - we texted or talked on the phone constantly for 18 months (except for the splits) so it's really odd to have been cut off. I've spoken to two of his brothers who have both experienced being on the end of his ST and know how painful it is. That's why I wonder if he's punishing me, rather than having completely walked away with no intention of speaking to me again.

[Loveofhislife]

Suspicious: my pwBPD has not spoken with his father, his uncles, his brothers or his oldest child, a daughter, for over 3 years! Why didn't I think that was bizarre before? Why did I think I would be any different? On top of ST, they can completely cut off close friends and family: INDEFINITELY! My bf had fits of jealousy and paranoia--especially about colleagues, co-workers, and my ex-husband. I had never known anyone SO fixated on my being a cheater. I was completely chaste and committed to him. Hang in there; in a way, we have all been dating the same person!

[Suspicious1]

Suspicious: my pwBPD has not spoken with his father, his uncles, his brothers or his oldest child, a daughter, for over 3 years! Why didn't I think that was bizarre before? Why did I think I would be any different? On top of ST, they can completely cut off close friends and family: INDEFINITELY! My bf had fits of jealousy and paranoia--especially about colleagues, co-workers, and my ex-husband. I had never known anyone SO fixated on my being a cheater. I was completely chaste and committed to him. Hang in there; in a way, we have all been dating the same person!

Oh my, it certainly sounds like it. Yes, he cut off two of his brothers (one for several years) and I saw him split his teenage children black as well, which was heartbreaking. He was always frustrated that I had nice things to say about my exes, as all of his were evil and abusive - of course I wonder about that now. He felt that me having good memories of old relationships was in some way a betrayal.

My ex had fits of jealousy and paranoia too. He was obsessed with the idea of me being in another relationship, even though he was the one who went on dates etc during our bad times, and who kept a profile on dating websites. He was paranoid about the motivations of his employers too. It was almost as if everyone had to be assessed as a threat, and if he decided they were one any behaviour towards them was justified. With close family it was ST, with strangers it might be violence.

And yet during the good times he could be the sweetest most empathic person I'd ever met. Hmm... .