Too tired

[Depression = 72% of members]

My mother is 89 and has lived next door (her choosing) for the last 5 years and I swear she is stronger than I am. I have tried living on the other side of the world, NC, screaming, since finding this site I have practiced boundary setting but she worms her way around, changing the rules, changing her persona to make her the centre of attention.

so I am very tired of all her games, over not having a normal mother, tired of phonecalls asking where I am, tired of the spite I get when my friends call round or I'm invited round to friends houses for dinner, tired of the way she talks to my kids.

If I speak frankly to her she totally denies the accusations, cries, and will go on to have some life threatening illness or starve herself or ring up my friends. I hate the way she tries to pry into my life, I really don't want to share personal things with her, to let her in.

What to do? Do I need therapy

[sophiegirl]

My mother is 89 and has lived next door (her choosing) for the last 5 years and I swear she is stronger than I am. I have tried living on the other side of the world, NC, screaming, since finding this site I have practiced boundary setting but she worms her way around, changing the rules, changing her persona to make her the centre of attention.

so I am very tired of all her games, over not having a normal mother, tired of phonecalls asking where I am, tired of the spite I get when my friends call round or I'm invited round to friends houses for dinner, tired of the way she talks to my kids.

If I speak frankly to her she totally denies the accusations, cries, and will go on to have some life threatening illness or starve herself or ring up my friends. I hate the way she tries to pry into my life, I really don't want to share personal things with her, to let her in.

What to do? Do I need therapy

[jmanvo2015]

Hi SophieGirl,

I also have a BPD mother and just arrived on this site yesterday.  So, I wanted to reach out to you and let you know that I sympathize with what you're dealing with in your mom's unreasonable behavior.  My mother is equally disturbing at times.  I don't have any answers for you on whether or not you need therapy. I know, for me, I've recently found a therapist who has experience with BPD, so I've made an appt. to see her next week and I'm hoping that this will ease some of the pain I experience in dealing with my mother's anger towards me.  I am in a situation right now where I have to move back in with her and my stepfather.  So, I'm doing everything I can to learn how to cope with her behaviors and not allow them to trigger or demoralize me. She has very black-and-white rules for what is acceptable behavior and when you don't meet her expectations, she basically undermines my self confidence by making me feel like I'm a bad person.  However, I've read a few things that are helping me to understand how painful my mother's childhood really was and how she has carried this unresolved pain with her her entire life.  Now, sometimes, when I look at her, even when she's being ridiculous or unreasonable I try to remember that and it has helped me to cultivate compassion for her and her struggles and that's helping me a lot to not be triggered by her. 

Hope you find what you need for healing.   

[Indie]

Hi Sophie girl and jman,

I am new too, and have a 92year old uBPD mother.  I can hardly believe how much pain and havoc she still causes.  I have had therapy of various sorts, and seeking new therapy as we speak.  Sophie, wow, if my mother lived next door... .well, I just could not do it, so kudos to you!  jman, if your situation is such that you have to move in, do take care of yourself.  Kudos to you too for working to not let her trigger you.

[sophiegirl]

Thanks, I am just going through a weak patch. I am no good at the compassion thing, sure sometimes I feel sorry for her but to constantly try and drag your own daughter down is inexcusable. She comes round for Sunday dinner but otherwise looks after herself, does her own shopping. However when she's not well and after all she is quite old I do have to step in and help. Yes we were apprehensive when she announced her plans to emigrate out and live near us. However we realised if she became very ill I would have to fly back and leave the children which was not something I fancied. I am an only child and she has very few friends as they've all died. Unfortunately as I was groomed from a very young age to be her caregiver, and growing up she told me constantly a daughters duty is to look after her mother and not go into a home, so I have the whole guilt thing going on, combined with resentment.

ok that gets it off my chest!