Divorcing because of BPD: What to tell the kids?

[HopefulDad]

Not sure if this is the right forum, so thanks in advance to the mods who move this and my apologies for the inconvenience... .

Does anyone have advice on what to tell their children on why you want to divorce your BPD spouse?  I know my BPDw will be alienating me to no end, telling my D9, D7 and D4 that Daddy wants to break the family apart.  Sure, I could take the high road and say the standard neutral things, but we're not talking about adults here.  They are going to be heavily influenced by what either of us say and the alienation is going to win out, I'm afraid.  And that could have long lasting effects on our relationship.

Has anyone had success saying something like, "Mommy is sick and needs help, but the help will only work if she wants it.  Right now she doesn't and I cannot stay with someone who doesn't want to help herself."  I'm not a fan of this wording, but this is the jist of the message that I'd like to convey.

In the bigger picture, how do you all combat parental alienation?

[MommaBear]

Hi HopefulDad, seems we're in a similar place, you and I.

I left my xhwBPD about 1.5 years ago, but the divorce proceeding has been slow and painful.

I have a 2 year old, and thankfully, offering an explanation is not something I need to worry about right this minute, so I don't envy the task you have ahead of you, especially with 3 children.

I think being honest with each one, in an age appropriate way, might be best. In fact, until your divorce is settled, you may want to avoid statements like "Mommy is sick" because - and I really hope this is not the case for you - your ex may play some very dirty, very dangerous games with respect to custody. You may want to read about "distortion campaigns" and get a book on how to divorce someone with BPD. It can be, in no uncertain terms, a hellish nightmare.

Mine has falsely accused me of a ton of things. Including parental alienation syndrome.

The truth is, the BPD parent is primed to cause PAS in children, because their level of emotional maturity is so undeveloped.

I would suggest finding both a therapist AND a lawyer familiar with PAS and BPD. Get into therapy NOW, because you'll need some kind of track record should your ex decide to go on a massive smear campaign and accuse you of everything from child abuse to trying to gamble the youngest off in a poker game.

I am, right now, in the middle of researching the link between BPD and PAS, so anything I find I can send your way as well.

Feel free to PM me. Hopefully we can provide each other with resources and help one another, but in the meantime, find that lawyer and that therapist. Believe me when I tell you, you may not think it necessary now, but abandonment on this level (divorce) can open Pandora's box with a pwBPD and you may very well get a horrific glimpse of what they're capable of when pushed to extremes. And believe me, it's terrifying.

Best of luck to you!  

[HopefulDad]

Thanks, MommaBear.  While my BPDw is high-functioning and in general tries to avoid alienating me, I've seen her severely crack in times of stress and can imagine a divorce will be like that all the time.  Your advice about the therapist is helpful.  And your advice about the lawyer who has experience with BPD divorces confirms what I've heard before so indeed that path will be followed.

I'll share what I can find as well.

[Lucky Jim]

The truth is, the BPD parent is primed to cause PAS in children, because their level of emotional maturity is so undeveloped.

Hi HopefulDad, I've been in your shoes, my friend.  I agree with what MammaBear says (above) and can attest to its truth.  My Ex has successfully alienated our children (S14 and S15) from me over the past four years of separation and divorce.  It's all my fault, according to her, and unfortunately the boys buy into her thinking.

Yet I choose to take the high road.  It's not my cup of tea to disparage my Ex.  I know the truth about my Ex having BPD.  I've said some neutral things like, "Mom and Dad don't get along so someone had to leave," which I consider non-judgmental.

It's a tough call for which there is no easy answer.  As time goes on and the boys become more autonomous, I anticipate that things will turn around, but in the meantime it's extremely hard.

Hang in there,

Lucky Jim

[HopefulDad]

The truth is, the BPD parent is primed to cause PAS in children, because their level of emotional maturity is so undeveloped.

Hi HopefulDad, I've been in your shoes, my friend.  I agree with what MammaBear says (above) and can attest to its truth.  My Ex has successfully alienated our children (S14 and S15) from me over the past four years of separation and divorce.  It's all my fault, according to her, and unfortunately the boys buy into her thinking.

Yet I choose to take the high road.  It's not my cup of tea to disparage my Ex.  I know the truth about my Ex having BPD.  I've said some neutral things like, "Mom and Dad don't get along so someone had to leave," which I consider non-judgmental.



It's a tough call for which there is no easy answer.  As time goes on and the boys become more autonomous, I anticipate that things will turn around, but in the meantime it's extremely hard.

Hang in there,

Lucky Jim

Thanks, Lucky Jim.  See, this is *exactly* what I see playing out.  Like you, I am not one to disparage their mother.  That being said, I don't think my children will understand the high road approach and it can cause long lasting effects.  I know there must be a balance between telling them the truth (to a level they can handle) while not outright disparaging their mother.  The last thing I want is turning it into a parental mud slinging battle.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey HD, You're right to be concerned about this issue and perhaps you can find the balance.  I tried different approaches with the help of my T, yet at the end of the day my Ex wields a lot of power over the boys' emotions.  As I'm sure you know, those w/BPD are experts at manipulation and kids, of course, are impressionable.  My BPDxW is quite "convincing" in her own way, up to a point (the point of craziness . . . ).  Lucky Jim