Something Positive

[Vatz]

I've noticed the last few days I've been ruminating on a lot of negative stuff. My T recommended I try something positive in the mornings, maybe even set the stage for a good day.

So I want to discuss some positive things we got out of our relationships with a BPD. I don't mean positive experiences shared with them. What I want to talk about is the GOOD ways in which we developed as people. Something we learned to do. Perhaps something we can take away with us and use it to better our lives. Basically, how are we stronger than we were before.

I learned about boundaries. Although I was able to say "no," there was always a problem in fully realizing that sometimes I don't have to care. I could say "no" but I was still always trying to please her. I don't have to care about what she'll think of me because of the choices I make, she certainly didn't. I was always negotiating with her like a spoiled child who whined about something she wanted but I wasn't going to give her. Honestly, some of the stuff weren't even for me to give.

When she talked about visiting an emotional affair, instead of trying to convince her not to, I should have just said "I already have problems trusting you, just the fact that you even want to do this is hurtful to me." I could have asked if she was still sure about wanting to do it, and she said yes, then it was worth leaving her over. I didn't have to wait and see for whether or not she actually did it. Sometimes intent is enough to go on. I know now that you can't make someone care about how you feel, you can't convince them to "see the light." They could claim to love you, care about you, and want you to be happy, but in the end they'll do as they want, what they truly want may be nothing like the things they say. Their actions will say more about them than sweet words they tell you. So I guess another big thing I learned was to always look at another person's actions and how they treat you. Words are nice, but only work when they coincide with behavior. It really does make me feel better to think that all I really had to do was walk. I know that if I did that, I'd be happier and in a better place by now. It's okay though, because I'm taking the knowledge with me wherever I go now.

Anyone have anything similar? Or a different lesson they learned maybe. Or just a good story?

PS: For folks that read, and folks that even replied to some of my more "raw" posts where I explored a lot of the negative thinking I still suffer with. I wanted to put something positive out there. Thanks so much for taking the time, this one's for you guys.

[PrettyPlease]

I've noticed the last few days I've been ruminating on a lot of negative stuff. My T recommended I try something positive in the mornings, maybe even set the stage for a good day.

Awsome! Good idea! Thank your T for me.  

I learned about boundaries. Although I was able to say "no," there was always a problem in fully realizing that sometimes I don't have to care. I could say "no" but I was still always trying to please her. ... .[snip]... .I was always negotiating with her like a spoiled child who whined about something she wanted but I wasn't going to give her.  

A big one for me too, yes, how to say no and not have to whine about whether they like it or not. Not doing it unkindly, but DOING IT.

Their actions will say more about them than sweet words they tell you.

Yes, another big one for me.

Thanks so much for taking the time, this one's for you guys.

Thank you, I'm glad you posted it. I'd been thinking last night about one of yours I saw yesterday with powerful descriptions of the emptiness -- it's nice to get a reminder of a glass-half-full interpretation of the disaster zone from you so soon.  

[Ihope2]

Thanks for this Vatz.  Although I am still very much in recovery from the devastation and chaos associated with my short lived marriage to a man with BPD, I can feel it and I know it in my bones that I was destined to meet this soul or someone like him, in order to catalyse a whole new process of change within my own soul/psyche.  Sounds quite mysterious and esoteric, but I feel like I have been exposed to some  process of alchemy, have been burnt in a great fire and now something new has amalgamated out of the ruins of the "old me".

I was alsleep and now I have been awakened from my slumber.  I see now what I have been suffering from for so long, my old childhood wounds were re-activated, and I had to tend to my own pain and stop my own bleeding.

So, in my more expansive, positive moments, I thank my exBPDh for my life learnings and for acting as a catalyst to help me search for the authentic me and stop living the false me.

[Vatz]

Sounds quite mysterious and esoteric, but I feel like I have been exposed to some  process of alchemy, have been burnt in a great fire and now something new has amalgamated out of the ruins of the "old me".

I like this right here. It's a good way to look at the process.

[Blimblam]

Thanks for this Vatz.  Although I am still very much in recovery from the devastation and chaos associated with my short lived marriage to a man with BPD, I can feel it and I know it in my bones that I was destined to meet this soul or someone like him, in order to catalyse a whole new process of change within my own soul/psyche.  Sounds quite mysterious and esoteric, but I feel like I have been exposed to some  process of alchemy, have been burnt in a great fire and now something new has amalgamated out of the ruins of the "old me".

I was alsleep and now I have been awakened from my slumber.  I see now what I have been suffering from for so long, my old childhood wounds were re-activated, and I had to tend to my own pain and stop my own bleeding.

So, in my more expansive, positive moments, I thank my exBPDh for my life learnings and for acting as a catalyst to help me search for the authentic me and stop living the false me.

Yes, I agree completely.  The nature of this interaction is the very basis of alchemy. To turn lead into gold.  But you have to find the lead within yourself first and process it to transform it. When traces the roots of alchemy back and the core mystery of it all. It is at it's very heart the same as a borderline non interaction.  The borderline is trying to figure out who they are and so are we.  They showed us what we were seeking and they showed us where it hurts. Through alchemy we can turn the hurt into gold and find the secret of the mystery. 

[Ihope2]

Thanks for this Vatz.  Although I am still very much in recovery from the devastation and chaos associated with my short lived marriage to a man with BPD, I can feel it and I know it in my bones that I was destined to meet this soul or someone like him, in order to catalyse a whole new process of change within my own soul/psyche.  Sounds quite mysterious and esoteric, but I feel like I have been exposed to some  process of alchemy, have been burnt in a great fire and now something new has amalgamated out of the ruins of the "old me".

I was alsleep and now I have been awakened from my slumber.  I see now what I have been suffering from for so long, my old childhood wounds were re-activated, and I had to tend to my own pain and stop my own bleeding.

So, in my more expansive, positive moments, I thank my exBPDh for my life learnings and for acting as a catalyst to help me search for the authentic me and stop living the false me.

Yes, I agree completely.  The nature of this interaction is the very basis of alchemy. To turn lead into gold.  But you have to find the lead within yourself first and process it to transform it. When traces the roots of alchemy back and the core mystery of it all. It is at it's very heart the same as a borderline non interaction.  The borderline is trying to figure out who they are and so are we.  They showed us what we were seeking and they showed us where it hurts. Through alchemy we can turn the hurt into gold and find the secret of the mystery. 

After I wrote this, I came across your postings about Gnosticism, Blimblam.  I printed out a whole lot of info and read it quietly at home last night.  My sister has been supplying me with a lot of Jungian information, and to read about what Jung based his Depth Psychology on was really interesting.  It speaks to me.  I tend to despair so much about this world and why some suffer so much more than others.  Meeting my exBPDh and hearing his life story and then going through the chaos and having to cut myself loose from him, yet feel that I was another person banishing and abandoning him. This really finished me off emotionally.  But it has made me search even more for meaning beyond the religion I was born into and raised with (Christianity).  I have never warmed to the notion that humans are inherently sinful because of whatever the Garden of Eden and eating from the Tree of Knowledge signified, and that is why we are being punished and we need to seek absolution from our sins.  It just doesn't do it for me.  But the concept of a really perfect Creator, and then a false god and the creation of an imperfect world.  And humans being a part of the divine spark, and our only "sin" being ignorance and the consequences thereof. Now we are speaking! 

And Messengers of the Light in the form of Jesus, or Buddha, or perhaps others such as the Prophet or Gurus or other Holy Figures, presenting themselves to us to aid in our Enlightenment and Awakening.  Now we are speaking!

[Blimblam]

Yes I hope at the heart of gnosis the mystery of the borderline. How to find them in your heart. It is a dark place.  I've made a lot of recent posting on meditation methods to achieve gnosis. It is the way to process the pain if the unconcious mind. Once that is done then mindfulness breath focused meditation can bring one into ballance. Gnosis knowledge of the heart and the underworld/ unconcious mind.  Breath focused attention based meditation focus on concious awareness and astral planes.

When you do the heart knowledge meditation and achieve gnosis the core concepts of Christianity make complete sense.

[Surnia]

Spot on for this thread, Vatz 

I learned so much through my shattered rs with my ex (who turned out to be with NPD traits, not BPD). Like you, boundaries was one of the things. I had no idea about boundaries in close relationships.

One of my guidelines in life: So many great inventions are probably found through "mistakes", when things went "wrong".

[Vatz]

So I'm seeing a lot about boundaries being a big lesson in these relationships.

What are some examples of healthy boundaries in relationships? Also, I'd like to talk about how we apply them to our every day lives, not just relationships. Any other aspects of life we can apply this to?

[Tolou]

Nice Vatz.

For me too, Boundaries was huge, I knew of them but never had anyone walk all over them, and I allow it.  I am much better and saying NO, and not worrying if I am letting someone else down, that goes for family too.

It is mistic that I met this person when I met her, it was not a coincidence, I believe for both of us it was a rude awakening, but a awakening at that.  Once we triggered one anothers fears, especially me to her abandonment, chaos let loose.  Logic, reason, anything rational that I attempted to fix things, didn't work.  It was when I walked away, that being only after 6 months, was when I felt the fury of a hurt and abandoned soul.

My most positive thing I would have to say, is that I know myself better than I did when I met her.  I was in denial and avoidant of dealing with many of my FOO and own b.s. that it was time to wake up.  Though I wish things could have been different, the reality is the facts that I am left with.  But I wish nothing bad of this person, never had, never even held to much anger towards her more so than I did myself for not being more aware.

I am more AWARE. Of many things, and though there is a pain, there is a calm that resides within in me that knows my intentions were well and good and I am content that moving towards tomorrow more positive will follow and I hope all of you as well.