Ignoring someone with BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex girlfriend, which i think has BPD(although I'm not a psychologist) works together with me. She's usually sitting 5 meters across from my desk and the whole group(about 10 people) go do everything together(coffee, lunch etc.). We are broken up for about 2.5 months now(4/5 month relationship) and i find it VERY hard to let go, because i see her every day.

Anyway, i tried to get her back multiple times, but she would simply get angry with me. Now after 2 weeks after her final moment of anger towards me, she asked me to leave her alone(she blocked me on whatsapp, Facebook etc.). So i accepted it and i just simply ignored her at work as well. She did not handle this well. She threw a door in my face at work and acted like it was an accident. I confronted her with her behavior and she said i had to act norma(she was the one that told me to leave her alone!)l. Like slamming a door in someones face is normal behavior? Anyway, i avoid contact with her all together now.I don't look at her, i don't greet her, i simply act like she doesn't exist. So far it's been 16 days since i've last spoken to her. She's acting very very happy at work now, which i assume is all an act. Now i also noticed she has been trying to get contact with me all of a sudden. She wears a lot of specific makeup, which she normally doesn't do. And i told her when we were still together i would go crazy when she does wear that kind of makeup, because it makes her very attractive. And i can see her looking at me from across the room quite often. I also noticed her smiling when i make a joke around colleagues again. I simply act like i don't care anymore and it seems it has an affect on her.

My question is, if you ignore someone who has BPD(or something related like ptsd/bipolar/npd) how will they be affected by this and will they start painting you white again if you leave them alone like they asked, even though you don't recognize they are present? Are they annoyed you are not playing their game anymore and want to reel you back in?

[Bak86]

My ex girlfriend, which i think has BPD(although I'm not a psychologist) works together with me. She's usually sitting 5 meters across from my desk and the whole group(about 10 people) go do everything together(coffee, lunch etc.). We are broken up for about 2.5 months now(4/5 month relationship) and i find it VERY hard to let go, because i see her every day.

Anyway, i tried to get her back multiple times, but she would simply get angry with me. Now after 2 weeks after her final moment of anger towards me, she asked me to leave her alone(she blocked me on whatsapp, Facebook etc.). So i accepted it and i just simply ignored her at work as well. She did not handle this well. She threw a door in my face at work and acted like it was an accident. I confronted her with her behavior and she said i had to act norma(she was the one that told me to leave her alone!)l. Like slamming a door in someones face is normal behavior? Anyway, i avoid contact with her all together now.I don't look at her, i don't greet her, i simply act like she doesn't exist. So far it's been 16 days since i've last spoken to her. She's acting very very happy at work now, which i assume is all an act. Now i also noticed she has been trying to get contact with me all of a sudden. She wears a lot of specific makeup, which she normally doesn't do. And i told her when we were still together i would go crazy when she does wear that kind of makeup, because it makes her very attractive. And i can see her looking at me from across the room quite often. I also noticed her smiling when i make a joke around colleagues again. I simply act like i don't care anymore and it seems it has an affect on her.

My question is, if you ignore someone who has BPD(or something related like ptsd/bipolar/npd) how will they be affected by this and will they start painting you white again if you leave them alone like they asked, even though you don't recognize they are present? Are they annoyed you are not playing their game anymore and want to reel you back in?

[Mutt]

Anyway, i tried to get her back multiple times, but she would simply get angry with me. Now after 2 weeks after her final moment of anger towards me, she asked me to leave her alone(she blocked me on whatsapp, Facebook etc.).

She got angry at you and wants you cut out of her social media because you are split black.

She did not handle this well. She threw a door in my face at work and acted like it was an accident. I confronted her with her behavior and she said i had to act norma(she was the one that told me to leave her alone!)l. Like slamming a door in someones face is normal behavior?

Any sort of action or reaction is met with hostility. She sees you as all "bad" splitting - primitive defense mechanism triggered by her anxiety and stress. Perceived faults in you. Whatever your actions, as well intended as they are is received with aggressive behavior. I'm sorry she acted so immaturely at work. I hope you didn't get hurt.

Now i also noticed she has been trying to get contact with me all of a sudden.

You're split white. The other side of the pendulum. It swings from idealization to devaluation. The cycle can happen several times a day.

My question is, if you ignore someone who has BPD(or something related like ptsd/bipolar/npd) how will they be affected by this and will they start painting you white again if you leave them alone like they asked, even though you don't recognize they are present?

You were split white when she was giving you attention at work. It's about her. She can't control splitting. It's the way that she perceives the world.

[Bak86]

Thanks for the response. I luckily didn't get hurt. How do i respond to her painting me white again? Because every time she does this i think she wants me back, when i try reconcile she says i'm crazy and she wasn't hitting on me. Now i'm kind of done with her hot/cold behavior, do i keep ignoring this or will she try harder and harder till i cave?

[Narellan]

Oh bak86, brace yourself. Here is my story, condensed. My exBPD lover of 4 months split me in a matter of minutes and removed me totally from his life in one sentence. This after we had just holidayed a week together. He replaced me the following day with my best friend ( ex best friend now) in the past five months mostly out of shock and devastation I have not spoken to or seen him. During this time that I've ignored him to deal with my grief, he has posted photos of us kissing on fb, posted photos of my best friend, picked fights with my sister, posted nude photos of me on fb and finally last week posted nudes of me on his website because I had deactivated fb and if he posted them on there I would not have seen them. He has rung me and I haven't answered and he's come to my door.

I am struggling to cope. The no contact is necessary, ignoring him is necessary, but he simply won't let up... .He will do anything for a reaction. I have not responded to anything other than to send 2 texts to remove nude photos very bluntly and last week I threatened legal action.

He is a professional photographer, they are tasteful, beautiful photos taken by him before we were a couple.

I have no idea whether i am split white or black or whatever. He removed the photos without a response back. Only left one photo I don't have a problem with.

I just don't understand what he is hoping to achieve.

He dumped and almost destroyed me... .Isn't that enough? And by all accounts he is still chummy with my former best friend( of 20 years).

I just wonder when it will end.

Unlike you, I have been hurt beyond belief. I thought this man was my soul mate. This has nearly killed me.

I have no idea what to do. I feel like whatever move I make he has a trump card.

[Bak86]

Oh bak86, brace yourself. Here is my story, condensed. My exBPD lover of 4 months split me in a matter of minutes and removed me totally from his life in one sentence. This after we had just holidayed a week together. He replaced me the following day with my best friend ( ex best friend now) in the past five months mostly out of shock and devastation I have not spoken to or seen him. During this time that I've ignored him to deal with my grief, he has posted photos of us kissing on fb, posted photos of my best friend, picked fights with my sister, posted nude photos of me on fb and finally last week posted nudes of me on his website because I had deactivated fb and if he posted them on there I would not have seen them. He has rung me and I haven't answered and he's come to my door.

I am struggling to cope. The no contact is necessary, ignoring him is necessary, but he simply won't let up... .He will do anything for a reaction. I have not responded to anything other than to send 2 texts to remove nude photos very bluntly and last week I threatened legal action.

He is a professional photographer, they are tasteful, beautiful photos taken by him before we were a couple.

I have no idea whether i am split white or black or whatever. He removed the photos without a response back. Only left one photo I don't have a problem with.

I just don't understand what he is hoping to achieve.

He dumped and almost destroyed me... .Isn't that enough? And by all accounts he is still chummy with my former best friend( of 20 years).

I just wonder when it will end.

Unlike you, I have been hurt beyond belief. I thought this man was my soul mate. This has nearly killed me.

I have no idea what to do. I feel like whatever move I make he has a trump card.

Wow... .i feel bad for you! That's so much worse and extreme than what i've been through! Makes me sad and angry to read your post! Hang in there, it will get better

My ex girlfriend was the one who dumped me and i chased after her. Now i'm ignoring her, seems like the tables have turned.  I just know that when i will accept her in my life again, she will step on my heart again. And she always plays the victim role after that. Makes me angry.

[Narellan]

You are very lucky to have the knowledge you have now and have come out relatively unhurt or unscathed. My story is terrible, but I have read worse on here and it makes me really sad that good people are treated so badly. Regardless of everything I've learned and learned to accept, I know I'll never recover from this relationship. I'm moving forward but I really have lost a good part of myself. The part that saw good in people and trusted people and my instincts has gone. I don't trust my own judgement anymore. I have no understanding of how people tick.

Ignoring her may cause her to attempt to recycle you. You sound like you have a good understanding though of what her actions mean.

[Aussie JJ]

OK,

I will leave my personal experience with BPDexgf out of this one.  I have a co-worker is who is BPD.  I have to work with him on 1/2 my shifts. 

I go with 100% consistency.  I am not on the scales of black and white that a romantic relationship brings however BPD is essentially at a very very basic level an attachment disorder.  pwBPD have an insecure attachment style.  When they get to close they feel overwhelmed and suffocated.  When distant they want you back so they don't feel empty and hollow. 

This pendulum swings wildly back and forth depending on how they manage there emotions.  Being in a close relationship those emotions are ALOT more intense. 

The BPD individual cant 'self sooth' or regulate as you or I do.  That puts the burden back on us, the other party to control the interaction. 

Simply put, 100% buisness like, don't deviate, open doors, be polite, have a nice day, weather is fantastic.  Have you seen the report on XYZ company we are dealing with, very informative. 

Whatever you do, don't ask how was your weekend, what did you get up to on your lunch break. 

Everything work related and nothing outside that scope.  This will define the relationship/attachment over time for the pwBPD to a less intense, less emotive style.  This will equal more stability. 

What will happen next is she will get angry, she will rebel against this.  Say bad ___ about you to colleagues and think your evil.  Then she will go get another attachment and flaunt it in your face.  This has probably already happened I'm sorry to say. 

If you are 100% reliable, concentrate on controlling your emotions, people will see how your behaving and you will maintain your respect in the workplace. 

I would document her episodes as well just for your defense if she puts in a complaint.  This will also let you avoid topics that trigger her in future and further reduce conflict. 

[Mutt]

Thanks for the response. I luckily didn't get hurt. How do i respond to her painting me white again? Because every time she does this i think she wants me back, when i try reconcile she says i'm crazy and she wasn't hitting on me. Now i'm kind of done with her hot/cold behavior, do i keep ignoring this or will she try harder and harder till i cave?

Strange game. The winning move is not to play - Wargames

I recall this line if my wife tries to get my attention to stir things up. Doing nothing is often the best thing to do. If you're done keep disengaging.

If she crosses lines and harasses you at work contact your HR dept. Tell her your boundaries and stick to them.

[Bak86]

You are very lucky to have the knowledge you have now and have come out relatively unhurt or unscathed. My story is terrible, but I have read worse on here and it makes me really sad that good people are treated so badly. Regardless of everything I've learned and learned to accept, I know I'll never recover from this relationship. I'm moving forward but I really have lost a good part of myself. The part that saw good in people and trusted people and my instincts has gone. I don't trust my own judgement anymore. I have no understanding of how people tick.

Ignoring her may cause her to attempt to recycle you. You sound like you have a good understanding though of what her actions mean.

yeah it hurts so much! how can they go from friendly to evil in an instant. it's insane.

[Bak86]

OK,

I will leave my personal experience with BPDexgf out of this one.  I have a co-worker is who is BPD.  I have to work with him on 1/2 my shifts. 

I go with 100% consistency.  I am not on the scales of black and white that a romantic relationship brings however BPD is essentially at a very very basic level an attachment disorder.  pwBPD have an insecure attachment style.  When they get to close they feel overwhelmed and suffocated.  When distant they want you back so they don't feel empty and hollow. 

This pendulum swings wildly back and forth depending on how they manage there emotions.  Being in a close relationship those emotions are ALOT more intense. 

The BPD individual cant 'self sooth' or regulate as you or I do.  That puts the burden back on us, the other party to control the interaction. 

Simply put, 100% buisness like, don't deviate, open doors, be polite, have a nice day, weather is fantastic.  Have you seen the report on XYZ company we are dealing with, very informative. 

Whatever you do, don't ask how was your weekend, what did you get up to on your lunch break. 

Everything work related and nothing outside that scope.  This will define the relationship/attachment over time for the pwBPD to a less intense, less emotive style.  This will equal more stability. 

What will happen next is she will get angry, she will rebel against this.  Say bad about you to colleagues and think your evil.  Then she will go get another attachment and flaunt it in your face.  This has probably already happened I'm sorry to say. 

If you are 100% reliable, concentrate on controlling your emotions, people will see how your behaving and you will maintain your respect in the workplace. 

I would document her episodes as well just for your defense if she puts in a complaint.  This will also let you avoid topics that trigger her in future and further reduce conflict. 

Thanks a lot for this post! I'm gonna try to be polite and not ask her anything about anything outside work.

[Bak86]

Thanks for the response. I luckily didn't get hurt. How do i respond to her painting me white again? Because every time she does this i think she wants me back, when i try reconcile she says i'm crazy and she wasn't hitting on me. Now i'm kind of done with her hot/cold behavior, do i keep ignoring this or will she try harder and harder till i cave?

Strange game. The winning move is not to play - Wargames

I recall this line if my wife tries to get my attention to stir things up. Doing nothing is often the best thing to do. If you're done keep disengaging.

If she crosses lines and harasses you at work contact your HR dept. Tell her your boundaries and stick to them.

Yeah if she tries anything i will contact HR. I've put up long enough with her problems.

[Aussie JJ]

Bak,

Be prepared for it to escalate, be careful escalating yourself.  I have to step back, hold (should read vice grip) my jaw and walk away with so many things at the moment. 

I had Mutt give me some great advice the other day and had to step back myself.  Doing nothing is a choice not to escalate.  Remember it isn't 'doing nothing' as some will say it is choosing not to participate in crazy making. 

Going to HR is a major escalation, make sure you delete from facebook/whatsapp EVERYTHING now or close accounts so that their is no contact in any personal respect. 

Your piece of mind is what is important and your work relationships and reputation is also on the line here. 

[Bak86]

Bak,

Be prepared for it to escalate, be careful escalating yourself.  I have to step back, hold (should read vice grip) my jaw and walk away with so many things at the moment. 

I had Mutt give me some great advice the other day and had to step back myself.  Doing nothing is a choice not to escalate.  Remember it isn't 'doing nothing' as some will say it is choosing not to participate in crazy making. 

Going to HR is a major escalation, make sure you delete from facebook/whatsapp EVERYTHING now or close accounts so that their is no contact in any personal respect. 

Your piece of mind is what is important and your work relationships and reputation is also on the line here. 

Yeah i'm gonna be careful. I actually just heard she met up with an old coworker just to talk. My ex told her that our relationship didn't mean anything. It was nothing special... .Wow, after all the ___ i've put up with lately, this one hurts the most... .

[Mutt]

My ex told her that our relationship didn't mean anything. It was nothing special... .

Her emotional immaturity. She is denigrating / devaluing you. They push the ones they love the most way. It's all confusing and I'm sorry she hurt you  

Hang in there.

- Mutt

[Bak86]

My ex told her that our relationship didn't mean anything. It was nothing special... .

Her emotional immaturity. She is denigrating / devaluing you. They push the ones they love the most way. It's all confusing and I'm sorry she hurt you  

Hang in there.

- Mutt

Yeah i guess that's the case here. Oh and today at work she totally ignored me. Never paid any attention to me.