thelighthouse
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 3
|
 |
« on: August 22, 2014, 03:58:12 PM » |
|
After reading a few posts on here about people that struggle in their relationships with their BPD sisters, I felt for the first time in my life someone might understand what I have been dealing with.
My sister 'Jane' is a year older than me... .I don't know if she has BPD, the problems with her started when she was around 11/12 years old. My mom first thought that she was just a teen with anger issues, but it never really got better and at one point it was thought she was bipolar (after speaking with a psychiatrist about it) but no one was never able to convince her to see someone (because my sister believed we were all 'ganging up' on her and that we were 'crazy' not her).
I love my sister, but we haven't talked in over a year... .it's not the first time that we haven't spoken but the 'explosion' preceding it was by far the worse and I don't think that there is any way I could ever have her in my life again. In so many ways my life is so much more peaceful and easier, but at other moments I feel really sad and guilty about it. I feel like it is a lose-lose scenario, other people on here described their relationships as rollercoasters and I can relate to that. It has been an endless cycle of her disappearing from my life (since she was 13/14), then showing up when she needs something (money/support) or when I have reached out to her, and our relationship quickly escalates into a very intense relationship (her being very needy/dramatic and me 'walking on eggshells' to make sure I don't say something wrong or set her off), eventually I can't keep up the charade and I disagree with her or say something she doesn't like and very quickly she becomes irrationally angry -- but its not like she is hurt or offended, it is like she thinks her opinions are the only thing in the world that matters and she is literally disgusted with you for having a different opinion than her and there is no way to defuse it once you set her off, even if you try to take it back and just say you agree, or you refuse to fight about it... .sometimes it has gotten really ugly, the things she does and says to me, which usually results in me swearing off having her toxic personality in my life -- until she needs me again (I'm a sucker), and usually we never speak of what previously happened and she would never apologize. This happens with other family members also but not at the same intensity because I am the only one she really ever seemed to trust (?).
The reason I am reading these posts and posting here is that I feel like if I can understand my sister that I might be able to move on and have some peace with my situation.
I'm not totally sure that my sister has BPD, but she fits most of the criteria. I would really appreciate someone's insight as to whether or not this may be what she is dealing with.
She has always had a serious boyfriend her whole life, and usually went from one to the next with overlap... .she was living out of the house mostly after age 15... .with her bf's families... .home was chaotic with her there, it was a relief that she left in some ways.
Most of her close friends over the years she has at some point decided they were some reason not worthy anymore and she would 'dump them' and never speak to them again (includes ex's). Her emotions towards her immediate family have flopped between intense hate/anger/disgust and acceptance. Sometimes her outburst would turn physically violent (rarely) but usually more verbally/emotionally.
I don't know if she has ever suffered from depression... .she is extremely intelligent, like not the kind of smart people generally say about others but like extremely high IQ gifted. Her emotions have always been very deep and intense and beyond her years. But because of this she is also very manipulative and charismatic and no one outside the immediate family would ever believe the way she is... .it is almost as if she has two separate personalities. One is so beautiful/generous/sweet/smart and the other is manipulative/hateful/cruel. Like lying to her friends parents that our parents did hard drugs and that is why she couldn't live at home (not at all true!). Or telling me our mom had breast cancer (she didn't) and saying that she hopes she dies. The thing is that all this time I thought she was manipulating/lying, after having conversations with her about our childhood, I honestly think she is delusional, she would say things to me that never happened... .to the point where I think I am going insane because it's almost like we didn't have the same parents/childhood. And when I really thought about it, this is not something new, there are many times that she has been caught red-handed stealing/lying and would later deny it ever happened in such a way that it really seems she has no memory of it. And she would always say things like that there is no true reality, there is only what each person remembers/experiences. In some ways I get that, like if you believe you were abused, then to you, you were... .but it still doesn't make it 'true'.
Impulsive behaviours involving stealing/excessive spending/unsafe sex/sex for money/cheating on partners/dumping long (for her) friendships seemingly out of nowhere and forever being disgusted with them/quitting good jobs/quitting school.
Extreme opinions that change frequently with no admission of having held the previous opinion, often these opinions (marriage/kids/career choice/etc) seem to change with the partner she is with... .like she is different each time and yet seems to have such strong convictions/strong self-worth... .in general she doesn't like people (they are beneath her and her opinions) but she is very good at faking it (people love/admire her) and behind their back she would say mean/horrible things about them... .she genuinely 'likes/approves of' very few people who share her limited ever-changing world view. She like to spend time alone (but always has a serious bf who would worship her), she is an absolute slob but a creative genius, she could make anyone cry with her words if she wanted to.
The things that make me think she might not have BPD is that I don't think that she views herself as bad/unworthy... .but I don't know though... .she has always felt like it was 'us' (the whole family) against 'her' and that she didn't fit it or belong and that we didn't understand her and that she was mistreated... .the other thing is that she pretty much keeps to herself... .like she doesn't answer her phone or emails, the only contact she has with family is minimal. At times when we were on speaking terms, she would ignore my calls/emails and then later get mad at me for not 'being there for her'... .or telling me she had thoughts of killing herself... .but I never know what to believe, because of the lying. She would tell me that her ex-boyfriends abused her, but I just don't know if its true or if its just so she can play the victim. She seems to love being the victim. The irony of all of this is that after she claimed that someone in our immediate family abused her (sexually), which I honestly don't believe, I told her I needed a bit of time to process it and talk to someone (after I tried to support her), once I talked to a therapist about it, I felt even more confused, I felt hurt because I honestly feel that this is just a manipulation, she was mad that I wouldn't gang up on our parents with her (she was in a hating their guts phase), and once I told her I needed time, she spent a couple of hours verbally and emotionally abusing me before telling me she never wanted to see me again. In some ways I think she was trying to out-rejection me... .like I needed a break from her for a few days so she decides she never wants to see me again. This outburst was beyond anything from her in the past and included threats against me to "reveal" to others in the family things 'I said' about them (when really I never said anything and only tried to be supportive to her while she talked about how much she hates our family) about how I like being the victim and a host of other things that literally sounded like she was talking about herself... .In my absence from her life she has grown particularly close (dependent) on my dad, who she hated the most. I guess she needs to be close to someone in the family for security even if she hates them. Even though I am an adult this is still incredibly hard to deal with or understand, when I was young I imagined things would be better one day.
My whole family is in denial about her and maintains very surface/superficial relations with her... .everyone is scared of setting her off and so we all walk on eggshells until an 'explosion'. Everyone is scared of her on some level and we don't know how to deal with it. The worse part is that she finally agreed to see a therapist and when I was talking to her about it, it sounded like it was making her worse. It seems that the therapist just listens (to the lies/delusions) and this further validates and encourages her, I think having someone so sympathetic listening to her is not doing anything for her. I feel like for there to be any improvement the therapist would need to see everyone in order to get the full picture because the one painted by my sister would be so drastically different than the one painted by the rest of the family.
Many people in my family suffer with mental health issues, depression, anxiety, and there is a possibility that some of these symptoms I see in my sister I also see in my mom (who eventually ex-communicated her sisters).
I really dislike how things ended with her, and I wish I was able to have that same distanced surface relationship with her that the rest of the family seems to have... .for me its like its always been all or nothing with her, like I had to be someone she hates or her everything. I don't know if things could ever be repaired or if they should. Right now I am just trying to understand her better so that I can be at peace that there isn't something that I could do that I haven't... .or something I should have done.
I found this on the internet and it was literally like it was written for me about the way I feel with her:
1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings. You edit it yourself because you’re afraid of her reactions. Swallowing the lump in your throat and your hurt and anger is easier than dealing with another fight or hurt feelings.
2) Everything is your fault. You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in general, even if it has no basis in reality.
3) Constant criticism. She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough. No matter how hard you try, there’s no pleasing her or, if you do, it’s few and far between.
4) Control freak. She engages in manipulative behaviors an lying
5) Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde. One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you. She becomes so vicious, you wonder if she’s the same person. it’s a regular pattern of behavior that induces feelings of depression, anxiety, helplessness and/or despair within you.
6) Your feelings don’t count. Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed. You’re denied the right to your feelings.
7) Questioning your own sanity. You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does. If you actually confide these things to a friend or family member, they don’t believe you because she usually behaves herself around other people.
8) Say what? “But I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that.” Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality. It’s usually baseless, which leaves you feeling defensive and misunderstood.
10) Walking on landmines. One misstep and you could set her off. Some people refer to this as “walking on eggshells,” but eggs emit only a dull crunch when you step on them. Setting off a landmine is a far more descriptive simile.
12) Un-level playing field. Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will. Just when you think you’ve figured out how to give her what she wants, she changes her expectations and demands without warning. This sets you up for failure in no-win situations, leaving you feeling helpless and trapped.
13) she blames you and anything and anyone else she can think of, never once taking responsibility for her own behaviors.
|
