She got what she wanted... T says wife is not at fault while i am a Sex addict.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I don't remeber having felt this bad about myself in a very long time. Went to a counseling apt last night with my wife. Same T we have been seeing off and on for the last decade. It had been a few months since last visit.  I was blindsided as to what ended up happening.

Long story short wife says she hates me more every day and that I don't know how to be a husband or treat her with respect. She says she can't get over those thoughts. Then becasue I have infrequently looked at naked pictures on the internet a few times in the past. Not happy nor proud of that and have since apologized continuously for that. Diagnosis... .I shoudl go to sex addiction meetings. Wife asks if any of the is is her fault... .T says 100% no. While I agree looking at nasty pictures is nto her fault at all she was not refering to that. She was asking if being angry and hating me is justified. That was the 100% not your fault.

I have shared copies of email and text converstions with T that were between wife and I to show over time exactly what I am dealign with when it comes to her anger and outbursts. T has said to me many times that is not normal reactions.

Am I wrong here? Is everything I have done in the past so bad that this is my punishment for the rest of my life? If so its not much a life worth living.

[Cipher13]

I don't remeber having felt this bad about myself in a very long time. Went to a counseling apt last night with my wife. Same T we have been seeing off and on for the last decade. It had been a few months since last visit.  I was blindsided as to what ended up happening.

Long story short wife says she hates me more every day and that I don't know how to be a husband or treat her with respect. She says she can't get over those thoughts. Then becasue I have infrequently looked at naked pictures on the internet a few times in the past. Not happy nor proud of that and have since apologized continuously for that. Diagnosis... .I shoudl go to sex addiction meetings. Wife asks if any of the is is her fault... .T says 100% no. While I agree looking at nasty pictures is nto her fault at all she was not refering to that. She was asking if being angry and hating me is justified. That was the 100% not your fault.

I have shared copies of email and text converstions with T that were between wife and I to show over time exactly what I am dealign with when it comes to her anger and outbursts. T has said to me many times that is not normal reactions.

Am I wrong here? Is everything I have done in the past so bad that this is my punishment for the rest of my life? If so its not much a life worth living.

[Proud_Dad]

I don't remeber having felt this bad about myself in a very long time. Went to a counseling apt last night with my wife. Same T we have been seeing off and on for the last decade. It had been a few months since last visit.  I was blindsided as to what ended up happening.

Long story short wife says she hates me more every day and that I don't know how to be a husband or treat her with respect. She says she can't get over those thoughts. Then becasue I have infrequently looked at naked pictures on the internet a few times in the past. Not happy nor proud of that and have since apologized continuously for that. Diagnosis... .I shoudl go to sex addiction meetings. Wife asks if any of the is is her fault... .T says 100% no. While I agree looking at nasty pictures is nto her fault at all she was not refering to that. She was asking if being angry and hating me is justified. That was the 100% not your fault.

I have shared copies of email and text converstions with T that were between wife and I to show over time exactly what I am dealign with when it comes to her anger and outbursts. T has said to me many times that is not normal reactions.

Am I wrong here? Is everything I have done in the past so bad that this is my punishment for the rest of my life? If so its not much a life worth living.

Cipher,

I here you man, and it is a ___ty place to be... .

The quoted text in bold is what happened in our T sessions about 2 years ago. The sex addict thing caught me completely off guard, I have always been a very modest person sexually. She has even told me that I need to be more aggressive and that I can't keep up with HER sex drive. Anyway, my uBPD fiancé found old (and I mean years old, before we were living together) evidence of "nasty ___" on my old laptop. The rest of the story is the same, verbatim. After about 5 T sessions, and my uBPD fiancé just railing me constantly, the T turns to the attention to my fiancé and the possibility that I am not 100% bad/at fault here. Without a moment of self-reflection my uBPD fiancé gets up, tells the T to go F herself and walks out. The T said "good luck" with very apologetic eyes, and we left. Now uBPD finance completely refuses to return to any sort of T or counseling, my guess is that it is out of fear of being told that there is something in her that could be causing all the drama in our lives.

So personally I can empathize with you. I can also see that our SOs have obviously been very hurt and deeply wounded by these perceived indiscretions. However, my final answer to your question would have to be NO. The punishment does not fit the crime. Hell, even murderers have the "possibility" of parole to look forward to. What do we have in this situation?

So my answer is the underlined text in your quote. While life itself is worth it, I am not sure that these relationships are... .

[Waddams]

Am I wrong here? Is everything I have done in the past so bad that this is my punishment for the rest of my life?

No.  But you need to take responsibility for your own life's conditions.  It only stays like it is as long as you let it.

Long story short wife says she hates me more every day and that I don't know how to be a husband or treat her with respect. She says she can't get over those thoughts.

Let me translate:  I expect Cipher to be a complete people pleaser towards me.  But he won't be a total doormat.  But in the past he managed to please me, but not now.  So I get to hate and punish him for that failure now.

Then becasue I have infrequently looked at naked pictures on the internet a few times in the past. Not happy nor proud of that and have since apologized continuously for that. Diagnosis... .I shoudl go to sex addiction meetings. Wife asks if any of the is is her fault... .T says 100% no. While I agree looking at nasty pictures is nto her fault at all she was not refering to that. She was asking if being angry and hating me is justified. That was the 100% not your fault

Lots of people check out adult stuff on the internet.  Doesn't mean you're a sex addict, particularly if it's infrequent and it's not causing some detrimental effect on your life.  Just means you're a warm blooded man and you're not dead yet.  Not that we should give into every whim or desire, but as men, we're wired by nature to be interested in women.  Most of, anyway. 

You're looking for something give you some comfort in a trying home situation.  Internet porn, while likely not the best place to turn, is likely part of the longing for something better for yourself.

It comes down to this.  And this is something I struggle with and am just plain having to make myself get over it.  We try to be attentive, not selfish, giving people.  We try to be kind to others.  But in the process we get caught up in being people pleasers to the point of detriment to our own needs.  And when we start trying to stop, or need to for self-preservation, sometimes certain people are used to what's already been established and they get mad about the change.  And we have it ingrained to be pleasers so we give in for a multitude of reasons, usually revolving around wanting them to be happy with us.

The change that needs to happen for us is to stop being people pleasers.  That doesn't mean we're become selfish and not care about others.  It just means we are going to put our needs into the equation and pursue them.  It comes down to deciding to live our lives the way we need to for ourselves and our own wants and needs (within the boundaries of not taking advantage of others).  And if those around us can't accept it, then we need the strength to tell them to pound sand. 

We need to get it into our heads to live the best lives we can for us, and if others want to come along for the ride, great.  But we need to learn to stand up, put our foot down, and stop not living the best can for ourselves in order to please others.  My SO is currently having all kinds of issues because I've changed my behavior, I'm not giving up things I want/need in order to please her anymore.  And to be honest, I expect things to implode in the not too distant future because of it.

If people can't take us and accept us the way we are, if being with them means having to not be ourselves, means having to give up things that important to us, if we have to sacrifice our own needs and selves in order to make them happy and maintain the relationship, then honestly the relationship isn't worth having.  You don't have to be nasty towards them, you jsut have to tell them "no".  You won't capitulate to the manipulation and control, and you are willing to let them walk if they want over it.

Lots of people will want us to live in a way meant to please them, and then get angry and ugly when we don't.  Or when we try but what they want of is just not possible. We just have to be willing to live healthily for ourselves and if others don't like it, then they can exit stage right.

[Boss302]

I don't remeber having felt this bad about myself in a very long time. Went to a counseling apt last night with my wife. Same T we have been seeing off and on for the last decade. It had been a few months since last visit.  I was blindsided as to what ended up happening.

Long story short wife says she hates me more every day and that I don't know how to be a husband or treat her with respect. She says she can't get over those thoughts. Then becasue I have infrequently looked at naked pictures on the internet a few times in the past. Not happy nor proud of that and have since apologized continuously for that. Diagnosis... .I shoudl go to sex addiction meetings. Wife asks if any of the is is her fault... .T says 100% no. While I agree looking at nasty pictures is nto her fault at all she was not refering to that. She was asking if being angry and hating me is justified. That was the 100% not your fault.

I have shared copies of email and text converstions with T that were between wife and I to show over time exactly what I am dealign with when it comes to her anger and outbursts. T has said to me many times that is not normal reactions.

Am I wrong here? Is everything I have done in the past so bad that this is my punishment for the rest of my life? If so its not much a life worth living.

Have you considered finding your OWN therapist? I'd suggest it. And if the idea of sex addiction bothers you, tell the new therapist EXACTLY what your actual behaviors are, and let the professional give you an opinion.

Far as I'm concerned, looking at a few dirty pictures now and then doesn't make you a sex addict at all, particularly if your sexual needs aren't being met (which wouldn't surprise me from the sound of it).

But again... .if this is something that concerns you, get a second opinion based on 100% disclosure of what you do sexually.

I also firmly believe that if you're in a relationship with a BPD, you need your own therapist anyway. These people are human, and BPDs are good at manipulating EVERYONE, and that can include therapists. I'm beginning to believe my BPDx has successfully projected her "story" about me to my D13's therapist, who no longer returns my calls. Imagine that. 

[Cipher13]

Have you considered finding your OWN therapist? I'd suggest it.

Yes in fact that is what is going to happen from this. Current T has been too much into marriage counseling and also dealing with wifes anxiety isses over the years.  So even wife has thought it a good idea. However that will no t last especailly if I chang ein any way that she will see as a threat to her.  For example standing my ground and have built up self confidence.

[Waddams]

Yes in fact that is what is going to happen from this. Current T has been too much into marriage counseling and also dealing with wifes anxiety isses over the years.  So even wife has thought it a good idea. However that will no t last especailly if I chang ein any way that she will see as a threat to her.  For example standing my ground and have built up self confidence.

It will last if you stick with it.

If she's asking something of you that you don't want to do, or is unreasonable, it's okay to say to yourself "I'm not going to do this just to please her and keep the peace."  It's okay to let people be pissed at you.  Especially when the issue is really their problem to deal with, and not your's to fix.

[gtrhr]

It's been my experience that my uxBPDgf got exactly what she wanted out of counseling.  Especially if she were validated.    But also if the T did back me up at times that largely went ignored by her.  Things like, "You're overstepping all of his boundaries and expect him not to react?"  None of that registered.

The topic of sexual addiction never came up in our couples therapy and we've long since stopped being a couple. I go to my own T who really helped me to extricate myself from the situation when things were unbearable.

In my own counseling the topic of sex addiction has come up and been worth looking at.  My sexual desire for my ex gf, and my feelings of intimacy are kind of intertwined.  Based on how I've behaved in trying to keep her at all costs, I feel I could be addicted to her.  I don't want to be with anyone else, and I want a real friendship and emotional connection too, but barring that I've allowed myself to settle for the sex.  Even the times where I got a lot of sex, it could never be enough to fill the emptiness and void.  Well, I behaved at one time like a co-dependent and felt isolated from others so I relied on her for so much.  And she wasn't there for me.

Anyhow, if sex addict, or possibly co-dependent is what you potentially are then it's worth examining even independently of your wife.  I agree, it's a good idea to get your own T and figure it out.  In addition to the fact you're already married, there is something about you that's allowing you accept treatment that is angry and hateful towards you.

[seeking balance]

Cipher,

I am sorry, honestly.  It sounds like the MC was trying to build some trust with your wife, and you were thrown under the bus.  It has opened a very big door for you to pursue your  own T however... .look at the silver lining on this interaction.

This MC has been in your life for 10 years on and off; honestly, doesn't that seem excessive?  Does she have a treatment plan or a model she is working from or goals towards?

Best,

SB

[maxsterling]

I don't think a good MC should get caught up in the "he said, she said" crap, or assigning blame.  I remember when my fiance went into complete abuse dysregulation mode in the middle of session, and I was upset that T did not call her out on her crap. Then I realized - that's not her job, her job is to get us to come together.  It really does no good for the T to call one person out - not good for the relationship, not good for future business.   

I think your MC is completely out of line here.

[willy45]

Dude,

I look at Internet porn all the time. What's the big deal? Your T sounds totally off base. It's not like she walked in on you having sex with your dog. The friggin Internet as we know it was built to accommodate pornography. I would say that you are probably in a very normal bell curve if you looked at the actual numbers. Don't feel bad about that. Seriously. There are bigger fish to fry.

[Surnia]

Tough place, Cipher, I would feel very down too. 

I agree with others here about the T setting. I think its not clear if its a (too? ) very long couple thing or T for her. In my eyes it would be great you would have a T for your own. If you have a good T, it can make a big difference.

[gtrhr]

When I was in marital therapy we had a T who was very good at calling us both out on our issues.  This seems to be rare to find, and when I went to counseling with my xBPDgf, unfortunately we went to a few therapists who didn't do it.  Made it impossible to get anywhere.

[Boss302]

When I was in marital therapy we had a T who was very good at calling us both out on our issues.  This seems to be rare to find, and when I went to counseling with my xBPDgf, unfortunately we went to a few therapists who didn't do it.  Made it impossible to get anywhere.

Sounds like that might be a "business decision" to me... .

[Pingo]

During the first year of my r/s with my uBPDex we went to a therapist and my ex acted completely innocent on all accounts when we were there, wouldn't show or even admit to his dark side.  Made me look like I was the paranoid one.  Then when I told the therapist that he gives me the silent treatment, sometimes days at a time, to punish me, she asked me why I felt 'punished' and never called him on this behaviour.  Tried to make it like I was making a deal about it because I was just 'reacting' to behaviour that my mother showed me growing up, always giving me the silent treatment.  I think that therapist sucked and definitely didn't help us, if anything made things worse as I started doubting if I had a right to my feelings... .definitely have to shop around to find a good therapist that can help with such a tricky disorder.

[gtrhr]

During the first year of my r/s with my uBPDex we went to a therapist and my ex acted completely innocent on all accounts when we were there, wouldn't show or even admit to his dark side.  Made me look like I was the paranoid one.  Then when I told the therapist that he gives me the silent treatment, sometimes days at a time, to punish me, she asked me why I felt 'punished' and never called him on this behaviour.

LMFT's really are a mixed bag.  To me, what worked was when the therapist kind of steps out of the way and get's the couple talking directly to each other about the issues in the relationship.  :)oesn't allow them to interrupt each other.  Keeps them on point.  Then when one person is having trouble validating the other person she steps in and shows them how to do it so that they can.

This can be a difficult process for the couple whether or not anyone in the relationship is borderline.  

I agree the passive approach of sitting back and the T always repeating "And how does that make you feel?" or "Why do you feel that way" gets you nowhere.  A skilled T ought to understand that a pwBPD is remarkably skilled at channeling their bad behaviors when it suits them and is manipulating the therapy.

definitely have to shop around to find a good therapist that can help with such a tricky disorder.

I've watched some videos recently from an online website also dealing with issues with BPD where they also really advocate that you spend a bit of time talking to the T to find out their experience dealing with BPD.

It's tough, several therapists were easily charmed by my ex.  She presents herself as perfectly rational, logical, and maintains that her behavior is not nearly as bad as I described.  And how could it be?  Look how together she is at the session!  She's attentive, responsive and engaged.  This actually made things worse, because I really saw it as she was making the choice to be so harsh, cruel and manipulative ONLY towards me and her daughter.

My ex gf used to tell me, "You just want her to do whatever you say."  No, please proactively tell me what I do that's so bad in the relationship, other than responding to your abuse with begging you to please stop, and start treating me as a friend instead!

I don't want to collude with the therapist.  I want them to really see the dynamic, but how can they when the pwBPD isn't showing their whole self.

My takeaway from it all after lots of consultations with lots of people is that the pwBPD is most likely never going to acknowledge they have an issue and that the therapy will simply end up being a platform for managing the non's response.  The one way street will perpetuate!

[Pingo]

I've watched some videos recently from an online website also dealing with issues with BPD where they also really advocate that you spend a bit of time talking to the T to find out their experience dealing with BPD.

It's tough, several therapists were easily charmed by my ex.  She presents herself as perfectly rational, logical, and maintains that her behavior is not nearly as bad as I described.  And how could it be?  Look how together she is at the session!  She's attentive, responsive and engaged.  This actually made things worse, because I really saw it as she was making the choice to be so harsh, cruel and manipulative ONLY towards me and her daughter.

My ex gf used to tell me, "You just want her to do whatever you say."  No, please proactively tell me what I do that's so bad in the relationship, other than responding to your abuse with begging you to please stop, and start treating me as a friend instead!

I don't want to collude with the therapist.  I want them to really see the dynamic, but how can they when the pwBPD isn't showing their whole self.

My takeaway from it all after lots of consultations with lots of people is that the pwBPD is most likely never going to acknowledge they have an issue and that the therapy will simply end up being a platform for managing the non's response.  The one way street will perpetuate![/quote]
Unfortunately when we were going to therapy I had not ever heard of BPD and had no idea what I was dealing with... .I wish our therapist could have seen some of the signs at the time but difficult when he's acting like a sane person.

[gtrhr]

Unfortunately when we were going to therapy I had not ever heard of BPD and had no idea what I was dealing with... .I wish our therapist could have seen some of the signs at the time but difficult when he's acting like a sane person.

I had never heard of the disorder before and it took a long while to understand what was really going on.  For at least the first two years she blamed it on the manner in which our relationship started, which I mention in some other posts.

After we got together as a couple, it took about five or six months of tolerating her wild mood swings and valuing/devaluing me before I began to see my primary T and she clued me in on the possibility of BPD.

She would go from proclaiming "wanting to be together forever like this" to "I don't want a boyfriend!" in a manner of days.  It destroyed me to go from what I really wanted in our r/s to feeling completely disposable.

My own research led me to it was a "toxic relationship" and I read lots of articles to that effect.  I thought perhaps she was bi-polar although it was rare for her to be completely depressed, however that does happen a couple of days per month.  I just knew that beyond her behavior towards me being morally wrong, there was something else going on.  Once my T clued me in, I had a starting point, so I found this site and shrink4men and started reading many strikingly similar stories. That was really eye opening.  Then I knew it must be BPD/NPD or something similar.

She is very high functioning.  No substance abuse.  Never threatened suicide or would consider.  All of the ups and downs and I became the clingy, needy one.  Anxious, feeling like it would be better to die than to go through all of that.  I never told her I felt that way.  The borderline made me feel borderline!  At one time she portrayed herself as much more vulnerable but later grew a thick skin.  She lives a complete double standard when it comes to what I can do, or keep secret versus what she thinks she should be allowed. I think she sees herself as the sole arbiter of what is proper in the relationship.  Any calling her out on anything of substance could lead to a volatile blow-up.  Other times approaching her in the exact same manner she could say, "oh I like the way you're talking to me today."

Even if it's not BPD, that's as good a lens as any to look at her condition and try to figure out what it is about me that makes me want to keep trying.

[mywifecrazy]

Ciphr, leaving all her issues aside for a moment. I'm not judging you but it can be very emotionally traumatizing to most women if their husbands are wrapped up in porn. Now add the insecurities of BPD and it can be even more traumatizing.

Again I'm not judging you and I take you at your word.  I'm only speaking from personal experience. My uBPDxw had a lot of issues (lying, cheating, manipulating, etc, etc) that destroyed our marriage. I had to own up to MY problems too (porn) that also hurt the marriage. I chose to own up to my problems in an open an honest way and I'm now a much healthier person. She chose to lie, project, blame and avoid dealing with her issues in true BPD fashion ... .She will never be healthy or happy.

Again not judging you but as you move forward married or divorced you can only work on your 50% of the relationship and weather you stay married or get divorced you will be much healthier and happier for it!

God Bless you in your journey!

MWC... .

[Grey Kitty]

Am I wrong here? Is everything I have done in the past so bad that this is my punishment for the rest of my life? If so its not much a life worth living.

 Sorry to hear 'bout this--really *really* sucks for you.

In answer to your question... .

This sort of "punishment" may continue for the rest of your r/s. Your partner can just keep at it.

However, it is only your life if you choose to accept it from her.  You can choose not to take it anymore. ("apologized continuously" for what sounds like months... .ugh)

You can try to stop accepting this sort of abuse in the r/s. (Hard)

You can end the r/s to stop this sort of abuse (Also hard)

Or you can continue as you have been doing, and hope she will change.

 GK

[Cipher13]

Ciphr, leaving all her issues aside for a moment. I'm not judging you but it can be very emotionally traumatizing to most women if their husbands are wrapped up in porn. Now add the insecurities of BPD and it can be even more traumatizing.

I do not disagree with this at all. Infact I know it contributed to her BPD rages and fits. Now that being said I would agree with is even stronger if it were even as close to as large a part of my life that my wife thinks it is or was.  The part I am having the hardest tiem with is that I have provided enough evidence to the T that she is not handling nearly all situation with rational anger.  And being told that I should go to sex addict counseling to me was the equivalant of me being told to go to AA becasue I have beer with my dinner every now and then. Maybe thats to not the best way to describe ti tbut thats how it felt.  I am going to use this my advantage and work on me getting myself more confident.

Oh side note on see ign a separate T. Is it normal that my wife would be expected to be there in the sessions but not ba a participant? I think that is what she thinks was discussed.

[seeking balance]

Is it normal that my wife would be expected to be there in the sessions but not ba a participant? I think that is what she thinks was discussed.

No, your T is for you and your issues.  A partner, parent or other is not a normal participant in this.

I am sure your T will tell you this as well.

[Boss302]

Ciphr, leaving all her issues aside for a moment. I'm not judging you but it can be very emotionally traumatizing to most women if their husbands are wrapped up in porn. Now add the insecurities of BPD and it can be even more traumatizing.

I do not disagree with this at all. Infact I know it contributed to her BPD rages and fits. Now that being said I would agree with is even stronger if it were even as close to as large a part of my life that my wife thinks it is or was.  The part I am having the hardest tiem with is that I have provided enough evidence to the T that she is not handling nearly all situation with rational anger.  And being told that I should go to sex addict counseling to me was the equivalant of me being told to go to AA becasue I have beer with my dinner every now and then. Maybe thats to not the best way to describe ti tbut thats how it felt.  I am going to use this my advantage and work on me getting myself more confident.

Oh side note on see ign a separate T. Is it normal that my wife would be expected to be there in the sessions but not ba a participant? I think that is what she thinks was discussed.

I think you definitely need your own sessions with a different therapist, without your wife taking part. I really believe you need a second opinion here - give that therapist a 100% accurate picture of your porn usage and let him/her guide you. I don't think occasional viewing of porn makes you sex addict, but regardless of my opinion, I think you need a good answer on this that's not being influenced by your wife's relationship with the current therapist. Once you have gotten to the bottom of that question, I think progress can be made for YOUR mental health. If need be, I'm sure your personal therapist and your marriage therapist can talk about the situation "off line."

[Zon]

I don't remeber having felt this bad about myself in a very long time. Went to a counseling apt last night with my wife. Same T we have been seeing off and on for the last decade. It had been a few months since last visit.  I was blindsided as to what ended up happening.

Long story short wife says she hates me more every day and that I don't know how to be a husband or treat her with respect. She says she can't get over those thoughts. Then becasue I have infrequently looked at naked pictures on the internet a few times in the past. Not happy nor proud of that and have since apologized continuously for that. Diagnosis... .I shoudl go to sex addiction meetings. Wife asks if any of the is is her fault... .T says 100% no. While I agree looking at nasty pictures is nto her fault at all she was not refering to that. She was asking if being angry and hating me is justified. That was the 100% not your fault.

I have shared copies of email and text converstions with T that were between wife and I to show over time exactly what I am dealign with when it comes to her anger and outbursts. T has said to me many times that is not normal reactions.

Am I wrong here? Is everything I have done in the past so bad that this is my punishment for the rest of my life? If so its not much a life worth living.

I have been a sex addict since puberty.    You can quote that with the T if you like.  The T seems to have missed out on biology classes.

It is not your wife's fault that you are attracted to women.  In that sense, the T is right that your wife is not at fault.

In my opinion, being angry can be understandable in the near term but over years it should fade unless someone works at keeping it alive.  I do not see hatred as justifiable.  Also, hatred eats your soul.  I would hope that the T would say something about her not needing to hold onto those feelings.

I recommend the individual T for yourself.  I have one.  This is a good opportunity since your wife may see this a way for you to deal with that "addiction" while it actually helps you in the areas that really count.

[gtrhr]

I think less of the issue should be about your porn usage with your T, at least initially.

But how about are you addicted to your pwBPD?  How much are you willing to suffer in the relationship and keep this person around because of your physical need for sex?  Are you equating physical pleasure with LOVE?  Those lines get crisscrossed when there is an addictive element to the sex.

And of course then there are other issues or things that you might potentially do that could be considered sexual addiction.  It sounds really like you're not a full blown sex addict, just needing some attention.  I mean in a healthy relationship if both adults agree to viewing porn alone or together, or agree that taking care of yourself if one partner has a natural sexual desire a lot more than the other.  Those things should be able to be discussed.  Porn use alone shouldn't be unhealthy but if it's behavior you have to hide and cannot discuss with your partner then there seems to be some emotional intimacy/connection issue going on.

If she's like my ex BPD gf she could be very judgmental and want to prescribe for me what my desire level should be.  That's something you should discuss with your T.  Testosterone is a powerful hormone and I doubt many woman can really relate that closely with what it's like to be a man wanting sex.  

In therapy if you're a man you have to BE a man and discuss feelings AS a man.  I think the problem with a lot of therapy, is that it tends to be feminized and men are expected to relate as if they themselves are a WOMAN being sensitive.  How many times do men got into therapy actually feeling angry, anxious, and horny but the therapist coaches them to express it as "when you do Y if feel hurt and sad."   That's not how guys feel unless they suppress their anger and cannot express it constructively!  There needs to be some mutual validation from the point of view of all genders in the relationship.

Sounds like this T really dropped the ball calling you out as a sex addict and not understanding the issue.  Maybe she's religiously conservative and that can be the only answer from her viewpoint.  I know about T shopping... .you can be called out for things like "you want the therapist to agree with you and do what you want!"  No... .just fairness, just fairness for once.

[Surnia]

I think you definitely need your own sessions with a different therapist, without your wife taking part. I really believe you need a second opinion here - give that therapist a 100% accurate picture of your porn usage and let him/her guide you.

I agree completely.

Do yourself the favor of a second opinion. You deserve it.

[Cipher13]

I think the problem with a lot of therapy, is that it tends to be feminized and men are expected to relate as if they themselves are a WOMAN being sensitive.  How many times do men got into therapy actually feeling angry, anxious, and horny but the therapist coaches them to express it as "when you do Y if feel hurt and sad."   That's not how guys feel unless they suppress their anger and cannot express it constructively!  There needs to be some mutual validation from the point of view of all genders in the relationship.

I fully agree with this. Where as this T has upset me she has also opend my eyes to some things. She suggested a separte T and for it to be a male. Also a few books to read relating to what I just quoted form you. She admitted this isn't her area of study and that someone else, a male, she woul drecomend. I've been de-masculinated for the last decade or better in my relationship and more or less allowed it to happed to "better" the situations. Maybe the ocational viewing was a way for me to try to feel whole and male. Not the best outlet but not liek drugs or alcohol or another woman. I think this other T will help me with being able to get my thoughts and feelings out in a way that is more natural. I'm sure my wife my not like some of it but she is on board with this and soemtimes the boat rocks and some times it is smooth sailing.