Don't know what to do

[Moselle]

Thank u guys!

Aww thanks Moselle, no has ever said have a 'developed sense of self' before. I don't know if it is developed enough I suppose that's why I had to leave.

Pavillion meeting up as friends... .how long has it been since u broke up?

You're welcome. It took me 14 years to realise I had lost my sense of self. I'm regaining mine very quickly at the moment so I recognise it when I see it in others :-). To take time out is evidence of this sense of self, because you are protecting it. It is assertive. I highly recommend you get that book "Stop caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist "even if you discontinue the relationship.

If you were attracted in the first place, it means there's a caretaker in you, which is a good thing, when applied in healthy relationships. This book rivetted me and opened my eyes to my role in this stuff

[Miss Topaz]

Thanks so much for all the support guys.

Today I felt incredibly lonely as some of my own self esteem issues arose and the weight of our separation hit me.

Trying desperately hard to stay strong and not let it overwhelm me.

Moselle I will try to get hold of that book when I can spare the cash.

Pavillion- I hope this friendship isn't too close- staying over is a bit much perhaps?

key word for me when I read all these posts... .and I go through all of them... .IF it is a BOYFRIEND or a GIRLFRIEND... .and you do not have children... .JUST GET OUT.

Interestingly it was my boyfirend saying something along these lines when he was splitting and dumping me the  most recent and final time that made me think this. He was saying he is too young to deal with how I 'push his buttons and how we argue all the time.' Obviously I knew it was him and I thought... .I don't want this to go on forever he needs help.

[Panda39]

I would also like you to think about whether he is getting help to keep you because this is what you have asked him to do (being manipulative) or is he getting it for himself because he feels/believes he needs it and is making a sincere effort to help himself. 

Because if he is only going to get help to keep you connected to him, he isn't going to therapy for the right reasons and I believe he is doomed to fail.

Whatever happens between you continue to listen to your inner voice don't ignore it, because when you do you ignore yourself.

[Moselle]

Thanks so much for all the support guys.

Today I felt incredibly lonely as some of my own self esteem issues arose and the weight of our separation hit me.

Trying desperately hard to stay strong and not let it overwhelm me.

Hang in there Miss Topaz. These things are weighty, and confronting ourselves is extremely energy intensive. Perhaps do something kind for yourself?

[pavilion]

Thanks so much for all the support guys.

Today I felt incredibly lonely as some of my own self esteem issues arose and the weight of our separation hit me.

Trying desperately hard to stay strong and not let it overwhelm me.

Moselle I will try to get hold of that book when I can spare the cash.

Pavillion- I hope this friendship isn't too close- staying over is a bit much perhaps?

Hi Miss Topaz. I am keeping the friendship at a distance and seeing how things pan out. I feel as though I am facing similar difficulties to you at the moment as the reality of the separation hits me and the gaping hole that he filled is revealed. Let yourself feel the emotions, don't fight them. They will pass in time and may give you some insight into your self. x

[goldylamont]

I would also like you to think about whether he is getting help to keep you because this is what you have asked him to do (being manipulative) or is he getting it for himself because he feels/believes he needs it and is making a sincere effort to help himself. 

Because if he is only going to get help to keep you connected to him, he isn't going to therapy for the right reasons and I believe he is doomed to fail.

Whatever happens between you continue to listen to your inner voice don't ignore it, because when you do you ignore yourself.

I agree with Panda39 on this one. The historical pattern you describe (6 breakups in the past year?) are that you normally breakup, then you beg him to return. He comes back, then the cycle repeats. So this last breakup, the only thing that's changed actually is *you*. Not him. Now instead of begging for him to come back, your body is frantically trying to tell you NO I NEED A BREAK. He senses this change in your attachment so now he's making up all of this therapy stuff to counteract this bit of independence you've gained.

Ultimately it sounds to me that you want to remain detached for at least 6 months, then check in with him to see how much he's 'changed'. Can you/Have you set this firm boundary with him? If you don't feel comfortable telling him *your* needs if there's going to be any reconciliation, then the reality is that he's still in control of the dynamic. Here you are, willing to work with him while keeping a safe distance while he works on himself--these are your needs. Is he willing to give you what you need? If he loves you so much as his desperate texts imply then it should be no problem to take some months off and give you the space you need. In short, if your ex can't give you the space you are asking for and recognize that this is healthy for you--then no nothing will ever work out. I think this is still more about him and his immediate desires and needs. His repeated attempts to recycle are more about his own unhealthy, uncontrollable needs than it is about the mutual respect and care for you he would need for any type of r/s to work.