Ex's birthday coming up. Agonising. Do I send him a card? Please help

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It's my ex BPDh's birthday very soon.  I am overwhelmed by the feeling that I want to send him a birthday card as I have done for the last 31 years. But I've been much more peaceful since I've limited our contact and I'm afraid it'll trigger a lot of pain in both of us. He sent me one on my birthday and I spiralled into a paroxysm of grief. I tore it up and sent it back.  Even as I write this I'm wondering why I feel so strongly that I have to communicate with him. It's just a date.  Perhaps I shouldn't risk what this gesture might do to me and the reaction I'd get from him. And yet I want to acknowledge to him that I know it's his birthday and that I haven't abandoned him. Im so confused. Please advise.

[toomanytears]

It's my ex BPDh's birthday very soon.  I am overwhelmed by the feeling that I want to send him a birthday card as I have done for the last 31 years. But I've been much more peaceful since I've limited our contact and I'm afraid it'll trigger a lot of pain in both of us. He sent me one on my birthday and I spiralled into a paroxysm of grief. I tore it up and sent it back.  Even as I write this I'm wondering why I feel so strongly that I have to communicate with him. It's just a date.  Perhaps I shouldn't risk what this gesture might do to me and the reaction I'd get from him. And yet I want to acknowledge to him that I know it's his birthday and that I haven't abandoned him. Im so confused. Please advise.

[bewildered2]

send him the card. it will make you feel better.

do not have any further contact. further contact will make you feel worse.

b2

[CompletelyOverwhelmed]

I do this to myself all the time. I feel for you. If you have no contact at all with him and your afraid this will trigger pain then don't send it. You have nothing to feel guilty for and his abandonment issues are not your responsibility. Take care of yourself.

[Arminius]

After so many years, I can only imagine your dilemma. I had only 7 years.

Personally, I would not send it. For me, any contact or reminder is retrograde. What can come from sending it? Waiting for a nice response? And if you get one, then what?

[mywifecrazy]

I would say whatever makes YOU feel best. Do you have kids with him? I know how you feel. If it weren't for my kids I wouldn't send anything. I got a Mother's Day card for my uBPDxw from my kids. It mad me nauseous reading all the loving kind words in the card. I ended up buying a blank card and just writing happy Mother's Day in it. My kids didn't even want to get her anything. The whole process was very triggering. I could feel the anxiety and the shortness of breath coming on.

Me personally? I wouldn't get him anything. NC is NC. Why open up that can of worms!

Sincerely... .MWC

[Tausk]

Do what you think is best for you.  But remember, that the Disorder will take any action, sent or not, and translate it into the what the Disorder want/needs at the moment.  

It's not possible to control how the Disorder will react to anything.  We can only have control over our own actions.

Personally, I had a piece of cake and sang happy birthday to my ex, ate the cake, and mourned for the loss of what could have been a magnificent human.

The Disorder does not want happiness.

It's very sad.

Thanks for sharing. We understand.

T

[free-n-clear]

   It's a classic example of the quandary that we former partners of a pwBPD find ourselves in. On the one hand there's the fact that you obviously genuinely care about him; perfectly understandable. Thirty-one years is a long time, you wouldn't have stuck with him for that long if he didn't mean something to you.

  On the other hand,... .

I've been much more peaceful since I've limited our contact and I'm afraid it'll trigger a lot of pain in both of us. He sent me one on my birthday and I spiralled into a paroxysm of grief.

  Ultimately, only you can choose what's the best way to go. For me, I would remain NC, but then I only had two years, not thirty-one, so what's best in my situation for me isn't necessarily what's best in yours for you. All I can say is whatever you decide and whatever the result, we're all still going to be here for you.  

[toomanytears]

Thanks for all your responses. All helped.

Well I have posted it. But I decided it was for me, not for him. I just couldn't imagine getting to his birthday knowing I had not marked it in some way, although a few weeks ago I couldn't have contemplated it. In the end I decided that by sending it I remained true to myself.

But I am prepared for a backlash - from him or from my own emotions. And I am prepared to pay that price.

Tausk, thanks for the reminder that the Disorder inhabiting my ex does not want happiness. Yes, he too could have been a magnificent human. I am so glad that my children have inherited his goodness.  

[toomanytears]

I think my action came back to bite me.

A few days ago he turned up very near to my work place unannounced.  It was a horrible shock and there was an unpleasant , though not dramatic, scene. He left and then emailed to tell me that I had harassed him.  I now think that my card provoked, encouraged, stimulated, him to think that things were hunky dory between us and we could be friends again. Trouble was, in the intervening time I found out from my sister in law that he was planning to stay in our house over Christmas with his girlfriend while I was away.  It took this thoughtless (in retrospect) act of mine - sending him a birthday card - to make me realise that his ability to recognise boundaries is entirely dysfunctional. That I have to stick to NC no matter how wrong it feels.

[biglearningcurve]

Just another painful lesson learned.  Next year you will be much stronger around his birthday.

Do not be too hard on yourself.

I have recently learnt the hard way that it is up to us Nons to enforce boundary's, as pwBPD are boundary crashers.

When I recently recycled with my ex I said I had thought of him on his birthday and he asked why I never texted him, even though we were NC.

Do not look for order in the disorder.

[Recooperating]

Sorry to hear this! Well we live and we learn!

Sending the card was a really nice, normal gesture and you stayed true to the nice person you are. A non would have apreciated the gesture! Unfortunately there is no predicting the behaviour of the disorder... .It went sour.

Next year you can choose to do it differently, or still send him the card cause it is who you are. How ridiculous he responds to something completely normal, is not your responsibility!

As long as it doesnt harm you... .Stay true to who you are!

[toomanytears]

Just another painful lesson learned.  Next year you will be much stronger around his birthday.

Do not be too hard on yourself.

... .

Do not look for order in the disorder.

Yes indeed.  thanks so much for your feedback And encouragement xxx

[amigo]

I am glad to have read about your experience.

My BPDex's birthday is coming up and I am already anxious about it, contemplating on whether to send a text or not. It is a bit complicated, because my birthday is the day after his. So if I send a text, it will give him a reason to send me one back. I will never know if he would have done it of his own accord ( I know it shouldn't be my reason for acknowledging his bd, and it isn't, nor should I hope to hear from him, but it does make things more convoluted)

I have been waiting for a chance to have a final strong reminder of his disorder to initiate true NC and an opportunity to say good buy of sorts and the occasion of his birthday would offer me that. Then again, I feel selfish for using his birthday in the attempt to find closure.

Ahh, what to do?

I suppose I know the answer. Ignore the birthday, go NC and move on. Perhaps I will be strong enough. I know full well that the disorder will win, no matter what my message is or my motivation for sending it.