Time for no contact again

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

Just venting here. Its time for NC again. I don't like who I am when she is in my life. I miss her like crazy. She calls me every three months and tells me that I am the only person who understands her, and all sorts of other stuff. Then she uses all the same tools to make me feel guilty for not wanting her in my life. And so I agree to try to be friends. But it makes me feel like total crap. I am filled with panic and anxiety. I feel an overwhelming sense of doom. I want it to stop. I have to go NC again. I'm bummed I answered her call again because I was putting together a good case for stalking. She lives in a state with clear laws against this. The non stop calling. The texts. The emails. I was on the verge of calling the cops. Instead I stupidly answered her phone call and now I'm back to feeling horrible.

Any advice on how to go NC again?

[willy45]

Hi all,

Just venting here. Its time for NC again. I don't like who I am when she is in my life. I miss her like crazy. She calls me every three months and tells me that I am the only person who understands her, and all sorts of other stuff. Then she uses all the same tools to make me feel guilty for not wanting her in my life. And so I agree to try to be friends. But it makes me feel like total crap. I am filled with panic and anxiety. I feel an overwhelming sense of doom. I want it to stop. I have to go NC again. I'm bummed I answered her call again because I was putting together a good case for stalking. She lives in a state with clear laws against this. The non stop calling. The texts. The emails. I was on the verge of calling the cops. Instead I stupidly answered her phone call and now I'm back to feeling horrible.

Any advice on how to go NC again?

[patientandclear]

Willy, was it just in the past few days that you answered another call?

I have tremendous sympathy for your situation.  Your ex's terms are both hard to outright reject because they sound so reasonable -- and potentially very destabilizing.  I maintained the kind of "friendship" she is offering with my ex for a long time and it was possibly the most confusing thing that I've ever participated in.  I completely identify with your panic attacks.  Your body is warning you that she is a portal through which hurt comes.

So, you've decided on NC.  You're asking about advice on how to do it ... .but of course "how" is pretty easy.  You don't accept communication, if you receive any you either reiterate that you don't want contact or you don't respond at all.  Some people will say that blocks are necessary, and while in my case I'd prefer to know if contact is happening and use self-discipline not to respond, your ex is more relentless than most, so blocks may be useful.

But I doubt you're really asking "how."  I suspect you're asking how to survive the decision emotionally.

I do suggest telling her one last time why you're doing this.  She uses guilt to attack this decision and she will again, so it's not as though explaining will change her mind about whether this makes sense to her or is something she can accept.  I think it's more for you to feel best about how you left it.  So I'd suggest something like "you know, you meant a great deal to me.  I'm not fully at peace with what happened between us and I may never be.  But I do know that when we are in touch, there is great pain, at least for me.  I need time and space to heal.  I'll be in touch if I get to a point where I can do that without damage.  I know you may not understand or agree with this decision but it is one I am sure I must make.  I wish you well."  I'm sure you've said a version of that several times by now.  So, say some last version of it.

Then I think you  have to look at it like withdrawal from a powerfully physically addictive substance.  You have to anticipate you will feel regret, the desire to revisit the decision, you will feel like your life is less exciting and more grey because you have given this thing up, you will want to trick yourself into feeling you can handle it, all of those feelings will bubble up that create pressure to doubt your choice, especially when she ignores your boundaries and lays it on thick about the loss, the devastation, what you're missing, how logical it would be to be friends, and so on.

You need similar supports to what someone uses who is withdrawing from using alcohol or drugs.  You need sponsors you can call on (this board can function that way, and maybe you have some people in real life who will) who can endlessly repeat the same perspective when you are feeling like taking the equivalent of a drink.

You might seek out therapy specific to trauma recovery.  There is little doubt you've experienced trauma related to this relationship, and perhaps it has linked to earlier traumatic experiences.  It may strengthen you to explore that and have help in healing from trauma.

It does help me some to maintain The List of especially galling acts of betrayal that help me neutralize all the happy glowing wonderful memories I have from my time with my ex.  Just to make myself remember that it is a lot more complicated and I had really good reasons for asserting boundaries even though they cost me his company and they really made him upset.

Just some "how to survive it" tips that keep me committed to my current course, which is one in which he is not in my life on the terms he is presently willing to offer me.

[Recooperating]

Hi Willy45,

Sorry to hear you're going through this. We can all relate I guess. I recycled too a lot with my dBPDex. He would stalk too... .In every way imaginable. Through all these episodes I became quite skilled in blocking and thats what I did now.

I blocked his phone number. He cant send me texts or call me anymore with his number. I blocked him on email, whatsapp... .Everywhere!

I deleted my account on FB, maybe a new one under a false name. Informed my friends about it. Blocking him on FB was never enough cause he would create a new account and be able to contact me.

Going NC is not the hard part... .Staying NC is! I find a lot of support and strenght here on this board to keep it up... .

Good luck, remember to take care of yourself, avoid panic and anxiety! Create peace!

You can do it!

[Infared]

Willy,

... like Patient said, you know how to stop contact, but what you are wrestling with is how to completely emotionally detach from this person.

When you make a decision that you have had enough pain and that YOU do not want to cause yourself any more pain by contacting this person nothing will change. She is not going to change. She will continue to act in the same manner. Mine still tries to come up to me in public places. I turn my head and walk by her.  I do not engage in any way. I take care of and love me. She does not.

I have empathy for you, and I hope that you can stop the cycle for your own sanity. I suffered with this for longer than I care to admit. I wish you good luck!

[willy45]

Hi all,

Thanks for all your thoughtful advice and for taking the time. I really can't handle this anymore. It is making me really I'll physically. Not sure why I still have hope. There is no way anything could ever work. I need to let go. Thanks everyone for your support.

[seeking balance]

Hi all,

Thanks for all your thoughtful advice and for taking the time. I really can't handle this anymore. It is making me really I'll physically. Not sure why I still have hope. There is no way anything could ever work. I need to let go. Thanks everyone for your support.

Why is this time any different for you?

I think you and everyone who has followed your story can agree that open-ended NC is not going to work for you until you put some strategies around what you are going to do differently this time.

For things to change, you gotta change Willy - what are you going to change?

[willy45]

Hi all,

Thanks so much for all the thoughts. I did it tonight. I told her that I didn't want to be friends, that it hurt me too much. At best, I could do catch up emails once every 6 months. She was pissed and tried to manipulate me into seeing her when I go visit her city next week. I said no. She said that it hurt her feelings because friends see each other when they visit a city. I told her that didn't make sense to me, that I didn't want to, and that if she truly wanted to be my friend, she would respect that. She seemed to agree. Super weird conversation that didn't seem to go anywhere. She said she was a human being and had feelings too. She doesn't want to be with me but takes as a baseline fact that she will never be with someone who connects to her like I do or who understands her like I do. But, she said she can't be with me and she is super clear on that. She said that it might sound weird or stupid. I told her that it did sound both weird and stupid.

Anyhow, whatever... .It's done.

What to do differently? I have no idea. I guess I need to figure that out. Change my phone number for one. That will be a big one. I don't have to worry about the phone again. That will be great.

I don't know aside from that... .any advice would be really great!

Thanks guys for the support. Felt good to start to get back onto stable ground again.

[Hopeless777]

You might try the book "The No Contact Rule". It's on Amazon/Kindle. It's really good about explaining how to go NC and how to deal with the emotional pain of NC. I'm no expert only being three months out of a 28+ year relationship/marriage. Six weeks NC and I feel like I die a bit each day. My BPDw just went off the deep end two years ago and I tried and tried. My adult friends and children think I was nuts for staying so long... .but I had to give it everything I could. I still have to deal with lawyers, but other than that its NC. If your former SO really is a pwBPD then, short of a super natural miracle, there really is no hope. Every re-engagement will only produce pain. Peace to you!

[willy45]

Yeah. Thanks. I don't know if she is BPD or not. Who knows. She is extremely, extremely high functioning in her work life. That one throws me for a loop. But when I first started reading about BPD, it all added up. Everything all of a sudden makes sense. In some ways, I wish I didn't know about BPD. I would probably just chalk it up to her being crazy and mean and angry and leave it at that.

Blah. This is so hard. I can't believe I have to go through this AGAIN. Not sure why I haven't learned my lesson. I was seriously feeling on top of the world before I talked to her or heard about her and all the success she is having in work. Although now at least I know she is completely miserable. And probably feeling completely alone. And is waiting for her next host.

All I know for me is that I really and truly want nothing to do with this drama anymore. The only proof I need to look at is how awesome I felt about my life prior to talking to her. And how miserable and despairing I am when she reappears. I guess whether or not she has BPD is a mute point. All I know is that her behavior makes absolutely no sense to me at all. Even just the latest bit. I told her 3 months ago to never, ever contact me again. That is was hurtful. And that it wasn't healthy for me to engage with her. And then she calls me obsessively for 5 days straight. And then she tells me she will never find anyone who understands her like I do, how she thinks about me every day, how she misses me, how she loves me and cares deeply for me. And that she doesn't want to be with me. I mean... .What the heck. That is just insane to me. Makes absolutely and completely no sense. Completely busts my boundaries. Loves bombs me. And then rejects me. But wants to be best friends. And have love, and happiness and joy with me.

It's just complete stupidity. I have tons of friends. And none of them make me go into panic attacks upon just hearing their name.

[trappedinlove]

My uBPDxso felt abandoned when I told her I need space because of the panic attacks I have when in contact with her and the anxiety and depression I experienced when she started breaking away and rejected me.  At first her message was "never contact me again" and then push/pull cycles began until gradually she drifted farther and farther away.  My message to her regarding our friendship, and I meant it then and still mean it was, was that I am and always will be her friend even when we do not speak and not in contact  because of the deep emotional and spiritual bond I feel with her.  She couldn't and didn't say the same thing by the way

One thing I appreciate in her and in our relationship is that at least she's honest with me.  Brutally honest.

She knows how her mind is playing tricks on her and she told me how she feels this "mental switch" when she splits and that's something that is beyond her control and happens if she wants it or not.  I can understand that.  It happened to me to when my feelings for someone I dated switched in a blink of an eye and I couldn't reverse them.  But in all these cases I never let my guild and shame take over me and cause pain to the other person.  I always tried to be kind with the other person, be clear and consistent and made sure I explain what happened to me and gave closure.

TIL

[willy45]

Ugh... .I am once again in complete agony. 100% complete agony. This is so stupid. I don't even like this person. At all. She makes me ill. She hurts me all the time. She doesn't care about my feelings in any capacity. At all. I don't understand why she wants to be my friend so badly. Its really stupid.

Anyways, I did it. Again. For the 10th time, I think. She will be back. I need to block every avenue she has to contact me. I need to get it in my head that she is ill and her contact is nothing more than driven by some sick neediness that I don't have and that their is nothing I can do or say to make this better without completely destroying me and my life. I can't give her what she wants. I have no interest in that. And I need to feel good about that choice. She was abusive with me and this is just a continuation of this.

[freedom33]

You sound so desperate. I feel for you man. My 2c - what helped me was to understand what false belief kept me hooked in the addiction cycle. I believed that to be strong and good means that I have to fix this relationship until I realised that this relationship made me weak and nasty (even with my own friends). The opposite of what I thought was happening and my mind flipped. Altough I am in NC with her, contact is of not even of importance anymore. All the best!

[willy45]

Yeah. Thanks. I really appreciate it. I've been were you are. And I will be there again. I justbneed to take extra measures.

[Cocoon]

This thread has been very enlightening. Setting up supports for change, yes, I can definitely do work there.

Thank you for the exchange!