Invalidating the Non

[Harlygirl]

Does anyone else feel deeply invalidated in the knowledge that, it's very likely, our relationship with pwBPD/SO was just a replacement relationship, the transference of feelings of unrequited love, for the abandoning/clinging/anxious/detached mother and /or father of our pwBPD/SO?  Was it ever about loving us, for who we are?

[biglearningcurve]

Yes I felt deeply invalidated.

Once again I will quote my favourite poster "2010"... I am a groupie

"In the beginning it felt almost holy-like I had finally come alive and found someone shared the earth who understood me. But then I realised that this was only mirroring, and a ritualised, systemic, fraudulent manipulation."

When I read this I truly recognised that the whole interaction (formerly known as a relationship) was about the disorder.  What he mirrored to me was what I wanted to see and now the work is understanding my reaction to his behaviour.

I recently recycled briefly with him as I had too many "what ifs" but these have been erased and I will do whatever it takes to erase him from my life.

To answer your last question... .Was it ever about loving us, for who we are?

NO

[Lolster]

I was quite disturbed to read yesterday that the 26 year old partner of 56 year old Madonna was quoted as loving older women as they remind him of his mum.  Errrm, does Madonna really not find it disturbing that the guy wants to have sex with his mum? 

I definitely wouldn't want to be anyone's replacement mummy, though BPD's do seem to want us to parent them. 

[Blimblam]

Yeah.  Hard pill to swallow.  But I did love that person lost in the depths of her unconscious mind. Bonded to person then when she devalued me stayed in te place alone and discovered how deep down in the rabbit hole I really was as  fell deeper and deeper searching for her and for so lost I needed finding myself.

[Infared]

Does anyone else feel deeply invalidated in the knowledge that, it's very likely, our relationship with pwBPD/SO was just a replacement relationship, the transference of feelings of unrequited love, for the abandoning/clinging/anxious/detached mother and /or father of our pwBPD/SO?  Was it ever about loving us, for who we are?

I think you nailed it. Yes, I felt totally invalidated.

In answer to your 2nd question: NO!... .not even a little.

[enlighten me]

With my exgf I realise that I was just one in a long list of exs and she probably didnt feel anything for me. I felt used and think that I was only seen as financial security. Yes she probably did hope that I would be the one to end her cycle but once she reLised I wasnt she then just used me. She said on a couple of occassions that if needs be she would sell herself to provide for her children. Well tyats how I see our relationship. I was just a client to her.

[workinprogress]

To answer your last question... .Was it ever about loving us, for who we are?

NO

I forget when I really started getting awareness of this fact.

I do recall a few years back really feeling the desire to father another child.  I was probably about 37 or so.  I was older and my career was more stable.  I felt I was at the stage in my life that I could really devote more time and more wisdom in being a parent.

Well, she flat out refused and wouldn't even consider it.

It really struck me how she had no concern about what I wanted nor would she even discuss it with me.

Yet, I built her a house that I didn't want, got her pregnant when she wanted when I was a little hesitant, and by-passed promotions when she refused to move.

How one sided can a marriage get?




"With my exgf I realise that I was just one in a long list of exs and she probably didnt feel anything for me. I felt used and think that I was only seen as financial security. Yes she probably did hope that I would be the one to end her cycle but once she reLised I wasnt she then just used me. She said on a couple of occassions that if needs be she would sell herself to provide for her children. Well tyats how I see our relationship. I was just a client to her."

Enlighten me, I feel the exact same way.

[Infared]

To answer your last question... .Was it ever about loving us, for who we are?

NO

I forget when I really started getting awareness of this fact.

I do recall a few years back really feeling the desire to father another child.  I was probably about 37 or so.  I was older and my career was more stable.  I felt I was at the stage in my life that I could really devote more time and more wisdom in being a parent.

Well, she flat out refused and wouldn't even consider it.

It really struck me how she had no concern about what I wanted nor would she even discuss it with me.

Yet, I built her a house that I didn't want, got her pregnant when she wanted when I was a little hesitant, and by-passed promotions when she refused to move.

How one sided can a marriage get?




"With my exgf I realise that I was just one in a long list of exs and she probably didnt feel anything for me. I felt used and think that I was only seen as financial security. Yes she probably did hope that I would be the one to end her cycle but once she reLised I wasnt she then just used me. She said on a couple of occassions that if needs be she would sell herself to provide for her children. Well tyats how I see our relationship. I was just a client to her."

Enlighten me, I feel the exact same way.

When you realize you are just a check mark on someone's list... .It can be cathartic.

I dated someone after my pwBPD and realized after about 9 months, that I was exactly that. I had to behave a certain way, provide certain needs, but I must have gotten healthier.  

I recognized the there were some very important needs of mine that were just being totally ignored and I also saw that this person was not capable of the kind of intimacy that I deserve. I was just a thing on her lists. I got out., as soon as I had had enough one-sided disappointments.

[MommaBear]

With mine, it was always about what I could do FOR him, never about who I was. A big part of my identity was being a caregiver, so I think, in his mind, he felt this was WHO I was, and that my identity could only be expressed in terms of how much care I gave him.

Caring for me, when I needed someone, was not in the realm of possibilities for him.

So on some level, I'm partly responsible for this. If I hadn't made the role of "caregiver" such a massive part of my identity, I wouldn't have believed that he loved *ME* for who I really was. He was never interested in any other dimension of my personality, and so I made myself small. Collapsed in on myself, and became nothing more than a caregiver. Anything else was invalidated, mocked, met with disgust, compared to his selfish (and possibly BPD/NPD mother and sister), and promptly dismissed.

It hurts to know I was never really loved, especially after loving him with my whole heart.

But at the same time, it's liberated me. I am still very much a caregiver, and don't want to change that about myself. I don't want to be bitter, and decide that "caring" is for suckers. I was on "caregiver" burn out, and during our separation, he just wouldn't respect that I needed to recharge and find myself again. He kept pushing and pushing for me to recover. Trying to *do* things for me, without realizing that I needed time and space to do things for myself first before I could even begin to FIND myself, and then MAYBE decide if I wanted to work on our marriage.

But he was impatient. He kept saying that I changed, that he didn't know me anymore and didn't like the person I had become. That I wasn't a *nice* person.

Didn't know me anymore? No. He never knew me. He only cared about the part of me that best served his interests.

It's taught me to be a better caregiver, by knowing my limits and taking better care of myself, without getting consumed by someone else's need. I'm still learning to do this, but in the long run, it's made me a more balanced person.

[camuse]

Oh yes

Mine said "I don't have time for partners who get down, it's not my job to bring them back up,"

If i was down or stressed or worried or anything, she'd say "I'm finding your sulking rather tiresome."

Of course, she would sulk for literally months about the tiniest thing, but "men are supposed to be stronger than women."


One of the funniest pieces of projection was a very early comment, "I hate it when you meet someone who appears all cool and happy but turns out to be a screw up with lots of problems and issues."  :D  Oh yes baby, don't we all hate it when our happy cool new partner turns out to be a broken BPD nightmare

[thereishope]

One of the funniest pieces of projection was a very early comment, "I hate it when you meet someone who appears all cool and happy but turns out to be a screw up with lots of problems and issues."  :D  Oh yes baby, don't we all hate it when our happy cool new partner turns out to be a broken BPD nightmare

... .ain't that the truth... . 

[Harlygirl]

Thank you all soo much... .I think it will take me a little time to process all of this and come to terms with what really happened between me and BPDexbf... .but you have given me more than just insight... .Some much of what you all have described was exactly my experience... .it's a little scary... .but I know I have to keep pushing through that... .and it's a little easier knowing that what IS REAL... .is validated by all of you here