I'm pretty sure I've given up fighting. Stopped trying to detach. Ceased pushing away the hurt and emptiness. And I think I'm ok with that. I am never getting over her. I know that now. Maybe I've always known that. Maybe that's what I want.
I feel better. There is a certain calm in surrender. Peace. Tranquility. It feels good. Warm. Not happy. Just warm. I haven't felt like this in a long time. I like it.
I don't think I will ever love again. She has my heart. She always has and she always will. It was freely given her. And very sincerely. Now she is gone, but my heart goes with her. And this fills me with a certain cheer. A kind of contentment that I can not easily describe.
I think perhaps I am Don Quixote. Maybe I do exist in a world of fantasy and make believe. But maybe that is my nature. Maybe it is who I am. Maybe that is being true to myself. Perhaps I will always adore my Dulcinea. Maybe the rest of the world can't see what I see in her. But I see it. I see it and I adore her for it. Beneath all of the pain and past all the fortress walls, I saw her. Shining like the sun. I can't ever deny that.
This seems to be my fate. I take heart in knowing that life is so much more. That there is greater purpose and higher callings.
Acceptance, have I found you at long last?
Many smiles to all.
I know that feeling cosmonaut... .
Talking about "fate", "ever love again", " Don Quixote and Dulcinea" and "higher calling" seems to indicate traits of mystical thinking that are not always healthy.
They might help you get a relief from actually coping with the reality of things and get that warm and fuzzy feeling.
I felt the same for a long time and I know I tend to fall into these lines of thinking still from time to time.
It does feel so very true. I've just met my exso this weekend (long story that I don't feel yet ready to share here) and I immediately felt that mystical connection all over again in an instance. Like we've meant to be together for ever and ever.
But I am also in a loving relationship now. I do love my gf, although differently and much less intensely , it is genuine and I have no question about it.
So I proved to myself I can love again despite what I've went through.
Meeting her in person was extremely powerful and I'm still shaken, heightened, hyper-active-minded, and processing a few days later.
Trying to curb my expectations, bring myself back to ground level, reminding myself that although (or maybe because) we have such a powerful connection she chose to break away and pursue her own dreams that do not include me and that effectively we're not close friends as I feel. Reiterating to myself who I want in my life - those who appreciate me and value my friendship and feel that mutually. No more unrequited love for me, even if deep down inside me it feels so very true and inevitable.
I won't go into details about our interaction. I heard enough to validate again that she is now fulfilling somewhat immature dreams about her life and it seems to me she's using her current bf in a sense to be close to his (very cute) daughters. I know she values him and cares about him (and I do to. He's a cool guy I got to know a bit over the last months), but it really doesn't seem she really loves him. Anyhow it's their choice and none of my business. What stroke me was that, while she hugged one of his daughters in front of me she asked me, smiling, "does it fit me?" and continued to say "see how I adopted a family" and "you know I adopted a dog too", "I always dreamed about living <the area where she moved to>. Life here is doing me so good"
One of the most powerful moments for me was when I played my guitar by the campfire with my gf on my side and my ex a little farther away next to me and I felt so good and so strong. I felt I achieved victory over my low self esteem, the anxiety and depression I felt after losing my exso, that led me to fell I'm not capable or worthy of love. And truly, I felt it's her loss not to be with me. That helped me with my acceptance of reality.
Smiles to you too my friend.
