Is it all in my imagination?

[Serenitytoo]

Can anyone tell me what is going on? I was expecting there to be loads of conflict while we discuss property split and finances, but no. He is engaging in perfectly civil and decent two way conversations with me. What I dont get, is why this didnt happen while we were in the relationship and needed to address the issues going on at the time? He does not seem to understand why the relationship has ended and only sees that he is losing his family and he didnt want it to happen. He has perceived some of the things I have said as threatening, but there have been no threats on my part only assertiveness of mine and the childrens needs for the future. He has not responded to the Solicitors letter even though its way past the deadline for reply. He only needs to respond with a yes I agree or No I dont agree. He seems to have totally turned into the Victim, even though he was was the one dishing out the abuse. Is this normal for a BPD? Im beginning to feel as though Im the one to blame for the relationship breakdown entirely, even though Social Services told me I had no choice in order to protect my daughter from verbal and physical abuse from him. He does not seem to regard that as anything significant, only that I have ended the relationship. His decent and normal conversations are making me feel like Ive got everything wrong and nothing in the past actually happened. Has something like this happened to anyone else and is this a manifestation of BPD behaviour? 

[Popcorn71]

He is engaging in perfectly civil and decent two way conversations with me. What I dont get, is why this didnt happen while we were in the relationship and needed to address the issues going on at the time? He does not seem to understand why the relationship has ended and only sees that he is losing his family and he didnt want it to happen. He has perceived some of the things I have said as threatening, but there have been no threats on my part only assertiveness of mine and the childrens needs for the future. He has not responded to the Solicitors letter even though its way past the deadline for reply. He only needs to respond with a yes I agree or No I dont agree. He seems to have totally turned into the Victim, even though he was was the one dishing out the abuse. Is this normal for a BPD? Im beginning to feel as though Im the one to blame for the relationship breakdown entirely, even though Social Services told me I had no choice in order to protect my daughter from verbal and physical abuse from him. He does not seem to regard that as anything significant, only that I have ended the relationship. His decent and normal conversations are making me feel like Ive got everything wrong and nothing in the past actually happened. Has something like this happened to anyone else and is this a manifestation of BPD behaviour? 

I was in exactly the same situation with my xpbdh.

To cut a long story short, he was abusive to my kids and eventually when he was violent with my teenage son, social services and the police were involved and he had to move out.

I should have dumped him then.  However, I was still in the FOG and carried on trying to save our marriage whilst living apart.  Unbeknown to me, he was busy finding a replacement and dumped me a few months later.

Like you, I was amazed when he suddenly became mr cooperative.  It didn't last though.  Fortunately I rushed the divorce through before he started messing me around too much.  But there are still loose ends to sort out and now he doesn't respond to any letters sent to him.  I think it's his way of trying to get me to call him and also to annoy me.

He played the victim and so many people have fallen for his sob story.  I can't believe how many people around here still think he's mr nice guy.  However, there are also quite a few who have seen the truth.  I try not to worry about what other people think.  I know the truth and so do the people who are close to me.

At first I blamed myself and thought that I could have done something to have prevented our break up.  But now I can clearly see that he was the only one causing problems.  All he had to do was stop beating my son.  That should not have been a problem for him.  Normal people don't beat their stepchildren.  It sickens me to think that he was able to pull the wool over my eyes for so long.  I was so much under his spell that I didn't realise the extent of what had been going on for years.  I feel guilty that I put my children through that and I am sorry that I didn't dump him years ago.

So don't blame yourself.  You have done what any mother would do.  You have put your daughter first and any decent man should expect you to do just that.  You may not realise it yet, but you will be better off without him in your life.  I have a good relationship with my kids now and I am very grateful for that.  I really think that if it had gone on for much longer, I would have lost them for good.  Be thankfull that you got out in time too.

[Serenitytoo]

Thank you so much for replying with your story. I had no idea that things were as bad for my daughter as she says they were. I believe her, of course, especially now that her behaviour has become so much better and she has stopped acting out, cutting and suicide attempts. I thought she was acting like she had been/was being abused - I never imagined it was happening in our own home! Even so, there are people who feel she had antagonised him and was manipulating the situation (mostly my closest family). They did not know that my teenager, at the time she needed to spread her wings was having to live by rigid and dogmatic rules, which quite frankly did not always make sense. I could cope, but she felt completely controlled and angry. My youngest is not quite at the stage to question things. My oldest daughter and I spent 5 years living alone. I think she felt the difference alot from the outset 10 years ago. The rules got tighter and tighter. I dont think my SO has any idea what this meant for us as a family. His Stepdaughter could do nothing right and his own could do nothing wrong. I was continuously in the middle trying to balance things out.  BUT... .I am still kicking myself for not trying harder, not insisting on confronting things head on for fear of losing the relationship. I am still very much in two minds... .IF ONLY seems to be my mantra. He is on the other side to others the most mild mannered and considerate, caring individual... .I like to believe they are right and disregard the other experiences as a bad day or his depression, or whatever other reason I can cook up. I feel that I have ruined my daughters childhood, when all I wanted was a beautiful family, a comfortable life and happiness. Where the hell did it all go wrong?  One thing is for certain, like you, I would have lost my daughter forever, even if not through suicide, she would have run away. I could never have forgiven myself for that. I would never want to lose her. She is far too precious... .