I have to get her out of my head

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm going NUTS

I can't stop thinking about her.

What she is doing and with whom.

Why she broke away

Why she's compartmentalizing me now

Why isn't she my friend anymore

And so on and so forth.

The ruminations are draining my energy.

They returned badly this week after I saw her in person last weekend  -the encounter itself was quite ok.

I'm saying this to myself right here and now:

Farewell *****,

I know you chose not to be in contact with me

I know you chose to get me out of your life

I know you chose not to be my friend anymore

This is all yours.

Some of this has to do with me and me and memories of me being a trigger for you

Some of this has nothing to do with me and is plain yours.  Your life's history and the disorder you're suffering from.

I accept the reality of your choices.

I know that keeping you in my heart and mind hurts me

I know I am hurting myself by not releasing and detaching from you

I know I truly want to move on and welcome calmness to my  life

I choose to let you out of my heart, mind and soul

I choose to let you go and live your life

I choose to have no expectations of you

I choose not to dream about you

I choose not to ruminate about you

I may never see you again

I may never hear you again

I may never smell you again

I may never talk to you again

I may never hug you again

I may never touch you again

I may never love you again

I want to heal

I can heal

I shall heal

Goodbye

[trappedinlove]

I'm going NUTS

I can't stop thinking about her.

What she is doing and with whom.

Why she broke away

Why she's compartmentalizing me now

Why isn't she my friend anymore

And so on and so forth.

The ruminations are draining my energy.

They returned badly this week after I saw her in person last weekend  -the encounter itself was quite ok.

I'm saying this to myself right here and now:

Farewell *****,

I know you chose not to be in contact with me

I know you chose to get me out of your life

I know you chose not to be my friend anymore

This is all yours.

Some of this has to do with me and me and memories of me being a trigger for you

Some of this has nothing to do with me and is plain yours.  Your life's history and the disorder you're suffering from.

I accept the reality of your choices.

I know that keeping you in my heart and mind hurts me

I know I am hurting myself by not releasing and detaching from you

I know I truly want to move on and welcome calmness to my  life

I choose to let you out of my heart, mind and soul

I choose to let you go and live your life

I choose to have no expectations of you

I choose not to dream about you

I choose not to ruminate about you

I may never see you again

I may never hear you again

I may never smell you again

I may never talk to you again

I may never hug you again

I may never touch you again

I may never love you again

I want to heal

I can heal

I shall heal

Goodbye

[tired-of-it-all]

Brother you have to fill your time with something else.  By nature, we have obsessive personalities.  You have to find something else to obsess about.  Is there some important work that you can be involved with?  Helping Special Needs adults or children?  Working at the hospital?  Is there some exhausting physical activity that you can do?

When I crawl into someone else's head, I am bound to get into  trouble.  What I think they are thinking, IS NOT THE CASE AT ALL!  That is what I would do in their circumstances.  Or that is what I think they would do.  They are never who I think they are.  They are never who I want them to be.

When I got busy, I got better, is an old alanon saying. 

Get busy on something else.  Preferably something that involves lost of other people and something that will not let you think and obsess about this woman.

[IceQueenSunday]

I don't have the words to help  I'm sorry, I'm only at the very beginning of dealing with the aftermath but I wish you all the love in the world. I understand your pain and how much you care about her x I am trying to distract my mind as much as possible, I hope you can find something to ease the pain.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a stronger day x

[Caredverymuch]

I'm going NUTS

I can't stop thinking about her.

What she is doing and with whom.

Why she broke away

Why she's compartmentalizing me now

Why isn't she my friend anymore

And so on and so forth.

The ruminations are draining my energy.

They returned badly this week after I saw her in person last weekend  -the encounter itself was quite ok.

I'm saying this to myself right here and now:

Farewell *****,

I know you chose not to be in contact with me

I know you chose to get me out of your life

I know you chose not to be my friend anymore

This is all yours.

Some of this has to do with me and me and memories of me being a trigger for you

Some of this has nothing to do with me and is plain yours.  Your life's history and the disorder you're suffering from.

I accept the reality of your choices.

I know that keeping you in my heart and mind hurts me

I know I am hurting myself by not releasing and detaching from you

I know I truly want to move on and welcome calmness to my  life

I choose to let you out of my heart, mind and soul

I choose to let you go and live your life

I choose to have no expectations of you

I choose not to dream about you

I choose not to ruminate about you

I may never see you again

I may never hear you again

I may never smell you again

I may never talk to you again

I may never hug you again

I may never touch you again

I may never love you again

I want to heal

I can heal

I shall heal

Goodbye

Trapped, the triggers are very hard.  We have to heal from this r/s much on our own.  Then a trigger presents and its like day one.  How long have you been NC? I have felt every single way you express.  It was so hard early on. It still is but with keeping more space in NC and avoiding as many triggers as possible, it has allowed me to see the disorder very clearly without the triggered emotions. The ruminations lessen too.   It really does get better.  One day at a time.

Keep posting. We are here for you.

[trappedinlove]

Brother you have to fill your time with something else.  By nature, we have obsessive personalities.  You have to find something else to obsess about.  Is there some important work that you can be involved with?  Helping Special Needs adults or children?  Working at the hospital?  Is there some exhausting physical activity that you can do?

When I crawl into someone else's head, I am bound to get into  trouble.  What I think they are thinking, IS NOT THE CASE AT ALL!  That is what I would do in their circumstances.  Or that is what I think they would do.  They are never who I think they are.  They are never who I want them to be.

When I got busy, I got better, is an old alanon saying. 

Get busy on something else.  Preferably something that involves lost of other people and something that will not let you think and obsess about this woman.

Thanks much tired.  I've been struggling with the aftermath for quite a while, well over a year since things went south between us.  And that kind of distraction didn't work well for me in the past.  It may provide temporary relief but not longer term detachment.  One of the problems is that we have many common friends and I keep being triggered.  So my detachment has to be internal with radical acceptance of her being gone and out of my life forever.

[trappedinlove]

I don't have the words to help  I'm sorry, I'm only at the very beginning of dealing with the aftermath but I wish you all the love in the world. I understand your pain and how much you care about her x I am trying to distract my mind as much as possible, I hope you can find something to ease the pain.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a stronger day x

Thanks for you kind words IQS 

All the best to you too with your journey.

[trappedinlove]

Trapped, the triggers are very hard.  We have to heal from this r/s much on our own.  Then a trigger presents and its like day one.  How long have you been NC? I have felt every single way you express.  It was so hard early on. It still is but with keeping more space in NC and avoiding as many triggers as possible, it has allowed me to see the disorder very clearly without the triggered emotions. The ruminations lessen too.   It really does get better.  One day at a time.

Keep posting. We are here for you.

I have been in NC, or actually LC with a bit of contact over FB for about 4 months.

In this period we both met new healthy partners (pretty much simultaneously, don't get me started :-/)

Last weekend she took me by surprise when I organized an event to which I invited (over fb) many common friends.

I knew her bf is planning on coming and I knew she declined and several common friends told me they called her and asked her to come and she said she has a new life now (she moved to a different town about an hour away, made new friends, made significant changes with her job, etc.) so she won't come, but she just appeared there, smiling in remorse, friendly, ... .we talked and updated each other about our new relationships.  Later I played my guitar by the campfire, my new gf sitting by my side, she sat on the other, a little farther away, and sang along. It was a beautiful encounter overall.

She hugged the new guy's daughters by the way.  I got to know him a bit and he's a good person and I'm glad she's in good hands.  But I couldn't not notice she seems in love with "love" and with his daughters and having a new family rather than loving him.  Some BPD oddities surfaced like "How does it fit me?" regarding hugging those lovely kids,  "See how I adopted a family? ... .You know I adopted a dog a month ago"

I felt sad for her.  And I felt very strong at that moment.  I felt I'm doing great and that it's really her loss for passing on me.

Yet the trigger happened, want it or not... .

[Caredverymuch]

Trapped, the triggers are very hard.  We have to heal from this r/s much on our own.  Then a trigger presents and its like day one.  How long have you been NC? I have felt every single way you express.  It was so hard early on. It still is but with keeping more space in NC and avoiding as many triggers as possible, it has allowed me to see the disorder very clearly without the triggered emotions. The ruminations lessen too.   It really does get better.  One day at a time.

Keep posting. We are here for you.

I have been in NC, or actually LC with a bit of contact over FB for about 4 months.

In this period we both met new healthy partners (pretty much simultaneously, don't get me started :-/)

Last weekend she took me by surprise when I organized an event to which I invited (over fb) many common friends.

I knew her bf is planning on coming and I knew she declined and several common friends told me they called her and asked her to come and she said she has a new life now (she moved to a different town about an hour away, made new friends, made significant changes with her job, etc.) so she won't come, but she just appeared there, smiling in remorse, friendly, ... .we talked and updated each other about our new relationships.  Later I played my guitar by the campfire, my new gf sitting by my side, she sat on the other, a little farther away, and sang along. It was a beautiful encounter overall.

She hugged the new guy's daughters by the way.  I got to know him a bit and he's a good person and I'm glad she's in good hands.  But I couldn't not notice she seems in love with "love" and with his daughters and having a new family rather than loving him.  Some BPD oddities surfaced like "How does it fit me?" regarding hugging those lovely kids,  "See how I adopted a family? ... .You know I adopted a dog a month ago"

I felt sad for her.  And I felt very strong at that moment.  I felt I'm doing great and that it's really her loss for passing on me.

Yet the trigger happened, want it or not... .

I'm sorry trapped. it's not easy    You handled seeing her so well.  You know, even though we handle ourselves well and we have these big brains full of BPD knowledge, and we move on, and we say it's a hurtful disorder, at the end of it all... .we still loved. So of course it brings up those feelings that we are tempering in moving forward to heal.  I know for me, when I see my expBPD, I still just feel the same thing I always felt for him.  Love.

But, then when I hurt, I ask myself this: Would I REALLY want all of that back? Not the person. OF course the person is under the disorder. And I love that person.  But the disorder causes SO MUCH pain. TO US.  Look at this board full of members from all walks of life with the same feelings. The same anxieties. The same deeply shattered psyches trying to heal so desperately. 

And the oxymoron or the irony or the horrific sadness of it all is that the disorder of BPD is triggered full bloom by LOVE.

I want to love someone who is capable of knowing that gift and present enough to give it back in the same way to me.  I wished so much it could have been my exbBPD. But it can't. Love doesn't win with BPD. That kind of love is too painful. It just never gets less than full blown pain.

Of course your ex appears adorned by the facade of her new partner and instant family.  She's safe for now. She has her need met.  Remember, to a bBPD love=need.  What do you think will happen in time knowing what you know now?

You're a musician. You know all your feelings are strong and passionate and real.  My ex was a musician too.  I think much about that bond enhanced a great deal of the emotions we shared. Deeply.

Keep posting and letting your anxieties surface here. We fall 53 times and we get up 54.

[trappedinlove]

I'm sorry trapped. it's not easy    You handled seeing her so well.  You know, even though we handle ourselves well and we have these big brains full of BPD knowledge, and we move on, and we say it's a hurtful disorder, at the end of it all... .we still loved. So of course it brings up those feelings that we are tempering in moving forward to heal.  I know for me, when I see my expBPD, I still just feel the same thing I always felt for him.  Love.

exactly

But, then when I hurt, I ask myself this: Would I REALLY want all of that back? Not the person. OF course the person is under the disorder. And I love that person.  But the disorder causes SO MUCH pain. TO US.  Look at this board full of members from all walks of life with the same feelings. The same anxieties. The same deeply shattered psyches trying to heal so desperately. 

And the oxymoron or the irony or the horrific sadness of it all is that the disorder of BPD is triggered full bloom by LOVE.

That's very true.  I feel addicted, wanting some form of connection with her despite the pain falsely imagining it will sooth it though I know that the disorder tears my mind to pieces when it can't confront the paradoxes of her behavior and that causes me anxiety, depression, and obsession.

I want to love someone who is capable of knowing that gift and present enough to give it back in the same way to me.  I wished so much it could have been my exbBPD. But it can't. Love doesn't win with BPD. That kind of love is too painful. It just never gets less than full blown pain.

It looks I've found such one.  The r/s between us is much less intense but there is definitely mutual love and respect.  And I love being with her.

It's just that now with this trigger I'm really afraid to lose her.

She knows about my issues with this past r/s but she can take so much of it.

At some point I know that enough will be enough.

Of course your ex appears adorned by the facade of her new partner and instant family.  She's safe for now. She has her need met.  Remember, to a bBPD love=need.  What do you think will happen in time knowing what you know now?

Yes, I know, I hope that in our case it was more than merely filling a need for her.  at least it felt very real until the disorder started to take over her.  and we talked about it in the past so I got her honest perspective about what she felt and what I meant for her and her internal faulty mechanisms that cause her to dissociate and to split... .  so I can project what will happen, sadly.

She deserves better.  And so do I.   

You're a musician. You know all your feelings are strong and passionate and real.  My ex was a musician too.  I think much about that bond enhanced a great deal of the emotions we shared. Deeply.

Keep posting and letting your anxieties surface here. We fall 53 times and we get up 54.

Thanks for your support Cared