NC can be rough, when BPD comes a callin'

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm grateful to have this place to come to. I'm learning your BPD language, and a few techniques too.

My ex yelled at me early this week, in the parking lot of Walmart. Looking back it seems he responded defensively because I asked if he'd paid back his sister. A relevant question, as I had just given T  a ride to do a Moneygram transfer (his license has expired, his car uninsured, and under threat of repossession. *sigh*). His sister's bank account was overdrawn, because he promised her (right in front of me) that he'd deposit the loaned money back to her. I watched his retired sister hand him the deposit slip, and say in a very clear way, "You MUST deposit this tomorrow. I have an automatic utility payment going through, and won't have the money to cover it until you pay me back." This was Sunday.

Monday night, she calls me, asks if I've seen T, as he wasn’t answering his phone. He'd just left to do part time work a friend, since he's still unemployed, and is only surviving due to the kindness of me, and his sister. We two have been providing shelter and food for him this past year. He was evicted from his office downtown, as it was his home (unbeknownst to the landlord), and he chose to leave his rent unpaid for so many months, his landlord made him sign a promissory note for the debt. Later, he gave notice, and has left THAT debt also unpaid. *sigh*  I do not do this to others. I do not understand making these choices, and I never will.

His sister shares that her account is overdrawn. I'd asked him 3 times during the day when he was going to run that deposit (me, hyper vigilant, because he consistently does not follow through on meeting other people's needs. Me, exhausted and so done with this chaos). I have to thank T for introducing me to his sister finally. I was able to have a frank conversation with her, while he played video games for hours, and she and I played a few card games. She actually said to me, "I love him, although if I were you, I would RUN RUN RUN." She shared ultimately, after hours of convo, that there was nothing in there. That he had no feelings at times, and that many times she felt he was charming and sweet, but no emotional connection.

I am grateful for her honesty. T gave us validation indirectly, by letting us finally meet recently. I think he kept us from meeting, because we'd figure out he was playing everyone to get maximum benefit for him. And during his subsequent Walmart parking lot tirade, he blamed me for giving his sister my phone number, and that if I didn't want to hear about it, I shouldn't have given her my number. His ability to evade responsibility in that statement is overwhelming... .

I ended our relationship a week before, telling him that 1 year and 10 months was too long to go without meeting his family. Initially, he wanted to date his ex (mother of two of his children. I mention his kids, more than he does honestly) and me also. When I said no, he hemmed and hawwed, finally committed, angrily and with resentment, to being monogamous with me. Looking back, that lack of commitment was telling. We'd just been dating 3 months, and he was so enraptured by me, fawning and the like (sound familiar?). I had been single and celibate a long while (a few years) and we had intense chemistry.

... .pardon me, I had to take a break from writing, because T is calling me again today. I directly told him to not call me, and that I would initiate any contact from this point forward. I made him repeat back to me that he would not come to my home without direct invitation ever again. So... .of course he's called me twice today, to tell me he wrote me a letter, and to check my front door, where he left it.

I am very frustrated.

Tonight I sat on my front porch, in the dark visiting with a neighbor's cat who sits on my porch sometimes, with the trees, the dark sky with few stars here and there. Then, T go by on a bicycle. He circles around and rides back by, staring at me while he does it.

I didn't respond. I sat calmly. I watched him ride off. I took another few minutes, and came back inside. Tonight, I will not let him into my space. He can't control my mental state, my serenity.

I've been reading techniques here, the biggest one I'm flexing now is NC. I have not picked up the phone, when he called 3 x today, and I have not read his letter, which he left at my front door. I appreciate reading about how every Rerun is inviting pain back. How you must be consistent with NC to get away, and that when they realize you're a dry well, they detach and move on.

I think misunderstood, that when I draw boundaries, how he puts so much effort into coming back around, forcing me to engage with him. Part of me felt, oh, he must really love me, miss me... .This forum has REALLY helped me see this black/white behavior more clearly. The splitting. He’ll put effort into doing manual labor to apologize, however won’t discuss the boundaries and responsibility he’s avoiding in the process…

I wish you folks had a live chat room. Wouldn't mind a cup of cocoa and a little live convo. Thank you for reading this. I have enough work to do myself (and years of therapy, and al-anon background), although my bills are paid, I'm pretty stable, and I've never borrowed money from my sister, to pay off a pawn ticket on a guitar and amp. Makes a good blues song though... .BPD. Great at making the blues. Hm... .maybe I could write a song called the BPD Blues... .

[Cocoon]

I'm grateful to have this place to come to. I'm learning your BPD language, and a few techniques too.

My ex yelled at me early this week, in the parking lot of Walmart. Looking back it seems he responded defensively because I asked if he'd paid back his sister. A relevant question, as I had just given T  a ride to do a Moneygram transfer (his license has expired, his car uninsured, and under threat of repossession. *sigh*). His sister's bank account was overdrawn, because he promised her (right in front of me) that he'd deposit the loaned money back to her. I watched his retired sister hand him the deposit slip, and say in a very clear way, "You MUST deposit this tomorrow. I have an automatic utility payment going through, and won't have the money to cover it until you pay me back." This was Sunday.

Monday night, she calls me, asks if I've seen T, as he wasn’t answering his phone. He'd just left to do part time work a friend, since he's still unemployed, and is only surviving due to the kindness of me, and his sister. We two have been providing shelter and food for him this past year. He was evicted from his office downtown, as it was his home (unbeknownst to the landlord), and he chose to leave his rent unpaid for so many months, his landlord made him sign a promissory note for the debt. Later, he gave notice, and has left THAT debt also unpaid. *sigh*  I do not do this to others. I do not understand making these choices, and I never will.

His sister shares that her account is overdrawn. I'd asked him 3 times during the day when he was going to run that deposit (me, hyper vigilant, because he consistently does not follow through on meeting other people's needs. Me, exhausted and so done with this chaos). I have to thank T for introducing me to his sister finally. I was able to have a frank conversation with her, while he played video games for hours, and she and I played a few card games. She actually said to me, "I love him, although if I were you, I would RUN RUN RUN." She shared ultimately, after hours of convo, that there was nothing in there. That he had no feelings at times, and that many times she felt he was charming and sweet, but no emotional connection.

I am grateful for her honesty. T gave us validation indirectly, by letting us finally meet recently. I think he kept us from meeting, because we'd figure out he was playing everyone to get maximum benefit for him. And during his subsequent Walmart parking lot tirade, he blamed me for giving his sister my phone number, and that if I didn't want to hear about it, I shouldn't have given her my number. His ability to evade responsibility in that statement is overwhelming... .

I ended our relationship a week before, telling him that 1 year and 10 months was too long to go without meeting his family. Initially, he wanted to date his ex (mother of two of his children. I mention his kids, more than he does honestly) and me also. When I said no, he hemmed and hawwed, finally committed, angrily and with resentment, to being monogamous with me. Looking back, that lack of commitment was telling. We'd just been dating 3 months, and he was so enraptured by me, fawning and the like (sound familiar?). I had been single and celibate a long while (a few years) and we had intense chemistry.

... .pardon me, I had to take a break from writing, because T is calling me again today. I directly told him to not call me, and that I would initiate any contact from this point forward. I made him repeat back to me that he would not come to my home without direct invitation ever again. So... .of course he's called me twice today, to tell me he wrote me a letter, and to check my front door, where he left it.

I am very frustrated.

Tonight I sat on my front porch, in the dark visiting with a neighbor's cat who sits on my porch sometimes, with the trees, the dark sky with few stars here and there. Then, T go by on a bicycle. He circles around and rides back by, staring at me while he does it.

I didn't respond. I sat calmly. I watched him ride off. I took another few minutes, and came back inside. Tonight, I will not let him into my space. He can't control my mental state, my serenity.

I've been reading techniques here, the biggest one I'm flexing now is NC. I have not picked up the phone, when he called 3 x today, and I have not read his letter, which he left at my front door. I appreciate reading about how every Rerun is inviting pain back. How you must be consistent with NC to get away, and that when they realize you're a dry well, they detach and move on.

I think misunderstood, that when I draw boundaries, how he puts so much effort into coming back around, forcing me to engage with him. Part of me felt, oh, he must really love me, miss me... .This forum has REALLY helped me see this black/white behavior more clearly. The splitting. He’ll put effort into doing manual labor to apologize, however won’t discuss the boundaries and responsibility he’s avoiding in the process…

I wish you folks had a live chat room. Wouldn't mind a cup of cocoa and a little live convo. Thank you for reading this. I have enough work to do myself (and years of therapy, and al-anon background), although my bills are paid, I'm pretty stable, and I've never borrowed money from my sister, to pay off a pawn ticket on a guitar and amp. Makes a good blues song though... .BPD. Great at making the blues. Hm... .maybe I could write a song called the BPD Blues... .