Projection or just relief?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, it’s been a month now since my dBPDexgf and I broke up. To sum up what I said in previous posts, the last 2 years especially, of our 6 year r/s, have been crazy hard for me, and the last year to 6 months where just the worst… Thus, after her multiple attempts to leave and sabotage the r/s, plus the break up/ make up cycles, I just had to say enough, when she wanted to get back together.

Now, talking to mutual friends, she’s saying that the last year and a half had been very hard on her, that she was unhappy, and that now she’s much better. Little note, she has been unemployed for a year, and lots of times was just expecting me to do most things for her, and depending on me to keep her company and do everything to and for her.

And now that we are apart, she’s doing a whole bunch of stuff she did not used to do before, a whole bunch of activities, almost like she switched from an introvert woman to this new woman that goes out and meet new people, most of them foreigners, even went to a strip club with them, having the best of times. It’s like I was the guilty part, almost like I was holding her back from living life, which, believe me, it’s really not the case.

Meanwhile, I still can’t seem to get unstuck… Some days are alright, but most are just crap. I have taken all this emotional abuse really hard and each day is a hardship, but I know I will get better.

So, moving on, my question is, is such a change normal in such a short amount of time? Plus, is it normal for the BPD to project the tough times of the ex like it had been her own hardship? Or could it be genuine relief? From you guys, and gals, experiences.

[Jimmy84]

So, it’s been a month now since my dBPDexgf and I broke up. To sum up what I said in previous posts, the last 2 years especially, of our 6 year r/s, have been crazy hard for me, and the last year to 6 months where just the worst… Thus, after her multiple attempts to leave and sabotage the r/s, plus the break up/ make up cycles, I just had to say enough, when she wanted to get back together.

Now, talking to mutual friends, she’s saying that the last year and a half had been very hard on her, that she was unhappy, and that now she’s much better. Little note, she has been unemployed for a year, and lots of times was just expecting me to do most things for her, and depending on me to keep her company and do everything to and for her.

And now that we are apart, she’s doing a whole bunch of stuff she did not used to do before, a whole bunch of activities, almost like she switched from an introvert woman to this new woman that goes out and meet new people, most of them foreigners, even went to a strip club with them, having the best of times. It’s like I was the guilty part, almost like I was holding her back from living life, which, believe me, it’s really not the case.

Meanwhile, I still can’t seem to get unstuck… Some days are alright, but most are just crap. I have taken all this emotional abuse really hard and each day is a hardship, but I know I will get better.

So, moving on, my question is, is such a change normal in such a short amount of time? Plus, is it normal for the BPD to project the tough times of the ex like it had been her own hardship? Or could it be genuine relief? From you guys, and gals, experiences.

[fromheeltoheal]

So, moving on, my question is, is such a change normal in such a short amount of time?

Yes, in that she had an attachment to you, still does, but the borderline psyche is such that all attachments go through cycles, and it was time for yours to melt down.  But she's still in need of an attachment, can't survive without one, so she will be whoever she needs to be to develop new ones, with the belief that a new one will finally be the one that solves all of her problems.  It won't be.  It will follow the same path yours did with her, faster or slower, doomed from the beginning.  The only way out for her is to stop seeking solutions through attachments, focus on herself, and deal with issues.

But that's her.  You're here, hurting, we understand, and what are you going to do next?  What's good about the place you're in?  What directions are you headed?

[Vexed]

From my experience, both.  Stress makes their symptoms worse, but they will never remain stress free because they will create a stressful environment eventually.  

Moving from one situation to the next provides her with momentary stress relief.  She is also going to be more fun and less irritable when she doesn't have a boyfriend on lockdown yet, because acting crazy and angry isn't going to help her find her next victim.

She I also likely mirroring the people she is hanging out with, which yes can happen very fast.

No she hasn't changed, no the relief will not last, and no she's not happy.

[Jimmy84]

Now, I am going to get better, I am going to live the life I want, not the one someone else wants, I’m going to get some professional help to deal with my own issues that led to this kind of r/s and for so long and eventually, I will be fine, better than that, I hope, for I well have become stronger after all this. I’m going to focus on me now, and my work, and eventually, when I am ready, on someone who deserves me, and that does not treat me only has an object, has a mean to an end.

[Jimmy84]

On another note, her birthday is coming up in 2 weeks and I was thinking of calling or texting, only to wish her a happy birthday, nothing more, hopefully no drama would ensue, but I dunno if that would be a good idea. Any advice?

[MommaBear]

On another note, her birthday is coming up in 2 weeks and I was thinking of calling or texting, only to wish her a happy birthday, nothing more, hopefully no drama would ensue, but I dunno if that would be a good idea. Any advice?

Avoid her like a bucket of ebola and start working toward no contact (unless you have kids). There is no "friendly" way to communicate with them. If there were, they wouldn't have a d/o.

Run my friend, run and never look back.

[fromheeltoheal]

On another note, her birthday is coming up in 2 weeks and I was thinking of calling or texting, only to wish her a happy birthday, nothing more, hopefully no drama would ensue, but I dunno if that would be a good idea. Any advice?

Look at your motives for doing that, and your intent.  It could be an innocent birthday wish from an old friend, but probably not.  It could be a way to tell her you care about her but can't handle the drama.  It could be initiation of contact with hopes of something more.  It's very important to be completely honest with yourself, and with us if you choose, right now.  What's the real reason for wanting to do it?

[Jimmy84]

I think its option 2, “could be a way to tell her you care about her but can't handle the drama.”

I’m just done with it, ofc I still care about here deeply, but I’m done with all the crap that comes with her. And I do realize that it can do plenty more harm than good, thus why I was asking.

So I guess I will continue with NC and will not saying anything, do what is best for me and not invite anymore of this drama into my life.

Thanks for the advice 

[fromheeltoheal]

I think its option 2, “could be a way to tell her you care about her but can't handle the drama.”

I’m just done with it, ofc I still care about here deeply, but I’m done with all the crap that comes with her. And I do realize that it can do plenty more harm than good, thus why I was asking.

So I guess I will continue with NC and will not saying anything, do what is best for me and not invite anymore of this drama into my life.

Thanks for the advice 

OK.  And remember NC is a tool we use to get our feet on the ground, since as you probably know these relationships can be disorienting, at least.  When you're thinking about doing harm our good, think about what's harmful or good for you first, hard to do at first, if we've been a caretaker for a needy person.  Take care of you!