reaction to the truth

[pieceofme]

i have noticed that when i point out a truth to my ex, his reaction is ALWAYS: "i'm not going back and forth with you. goodbye, pieceofme."

it's like he can't deal with the reality of what i'm saying. he won't even defend himself; he just won't discuss it. it reminds me of the quote: the only people mad at you for speaking the truth are those living a lie. keep speaking it.

has anyone else experienced this?

[Caredverymuch]

i have noticed that when i point out a truth to my ex, his reaction is ALWAYS: "i'm not going back and forth with you. goodbye, pieceofme."

it's like he can't deal with the reality of what i'm saying. he won't even defend himself; he just won't discuss it. it reminds me of the quote: the only people mad at you for speaking the truth are those living a lie. keep speaking it.

has anyone else experienced this?

Yes, this was always the reaction. They lack the ability to face the shame of their actions so they project.  Very difficult indeed. It always felt like a no win situation to me to even try to get an answer in regard to the behaviors and akways somehow came back to him saying we should end the r/s then.  Sorry you are dealing with this pieceofme.

[fromheeltoheal]

That's a passive aggressive approach to conflict, mine was more active aggressive, but the goal is the same: to control you so you won't leave.  I know that seems like a contradiction, since he said goodbye, but the point is to have you chase, which means an emotional attachment is still in place.  Fear of abandonment is the core of the disorder, so see that statement as a test (read: is she going to abandon me?), and if you chase, you're still attached.

And remember borderlines have a very low opinion of themselves and are typically emotionally immature, so two mature adults having a rational discussion is not a possibility.  It's up to us to realize all of that and make an appropriate decision, which is tough because it's easy to see the beauty in these people, but realize it's time to save ourselves; what are you going to do next?

[enlighten me]

I just used to get "Oh Enlighten Me" said in a manner that made me think I was missing something. It was like she was saying you really don't understand what this is about do you.

[Popcorn71]

It was impossible to have a discussion with my ex.  When he left, I tried many times to discuss things with him and get some answers.  If I said anything to him that made him uncomfortable, all I got was him telling me 'stop it' and eventually hanging up.  He just couldn't stand to hear the truth.  I believe that is why he eventually went quiet completely and stopped contacting me.

[BuildingFromScratch]

At the end, I told her, "how can you always be right", and she got a meek voice and said because I always am. She knew it didn't add up but she had to say it. I walked away in exasperation. Also, near the end I said, "how can you always be the victim?" And she did the exact same thing. Except that time I told her she needs to work on that. Both times it was obvious, that even she couldn't believe her lies. Closest thing to the truth that I've ever gotten, .

[freedom33]

his reaction is ALWAYS: "i'm not going back and forth with you. goodbye, pieceofme."

has anyone else experienced this?

I think this can work for both BPDs and nons. I used to try and resolve issues with my exBPDgf when they arose at the start of our r/s but what started happening was that we ended up in cyclical never ending arguments that didn't go anywhere. After a point I realised that there wasn't anypoint discussing with her and I learned from Johny Depp's motto ':)on't complain, don't explain'. I decided to simply disengage whenever something with the potential for cyclical arguments was brought up from her side whether it was truth, her truth or whatnot. What's the point?

[pieceofme]

CVM, it is indeed a no-win situation, and i usually walk away feeling like i was wrong to say something in the first place. you're right - getting an answer is impossible. i try to explain, "i am just asking you a question," to which he says, "ok." 

fromheeltoheal, interesting, i hadn't thought about it that way. i used to plead and beg, but now when he says "goodbye," i leave it at that. i am still attached, but i refuse to give into the manipulative games anymore.

popcorn, mine is the same - can't stand to hear the truth. but then i wonder, he lies so much, i don't think he even knows what the truth is.

building, i think that amongst all the lies, there is some compulsion to have the last word, just how they want to cut us off before we leave them.

freedom, it took me a long time to learn to disengage. i've never heard that johnny depp motto, but i like it!

[Alex86]

Yes that was also the reaction of my ex.

Before that she would say:"if we argue a lot that means we aren't meant to be together". And then the phrase of pieceofme.

After a point I also didn't have the energy to argue anymore. Even then she would say:"we don't argue anymore, something is not right".  

[RisingSun]

What you all are saying rings so true to my experience with my stbxw.

Unwillingness to hear my side of things was a big issue with her. Her truth was always on her side. She would frequently tell me how I felt (never asking how I felt first) and hold on tightly to her perception of reality regardless of what I might say that contradicted her. If I disagreed with her "truth" about the matter I was automatically being confrontational. This gave her justification to rage. Once she latched onto a perspective she held on for dear life regardless of what I said or what the facts showed.

I can't even tell you how many arguments we've gotten into because she was unwilling to hear anything that contradicted her "truth".

An example; she wouldn't let go of blaming me for her infertility. Regardless of what the doctors said about this issue it was always turned around as being my fault.

Up to the last day I spoke to her, she insisted that I was the cause of her inability to have children. Even after I had a semen analysis, which checked out perfect.

This was an ongoing circular argument that lasted for over three years. She always held to her same perspective regardless of what the truth of the matter was.

   

[freedom33]

Unwillingness to hear my side of things was a big issue with her.

Oh man... .This is what really pained me too. There is no other perspective. Complete unwillingness to see the others side too. When I met her I thought I was never understood before like this by anyone before. Little did i knew that she was the exact opposite of I thought she was. After 2 months down the line cognitive dissonance hit me and the mask start falling apart. This is I think where my PTSD came from.

[RisingSun]

Oh man... .This is what really pained me too. There is no other perspective. Complete unwillingness to see the others side too. When I met her I thought I was never understood before like this by anyone before. Little did i knew that she was the exact opposite of I thought she was. After 2 months down the line cognitive dissonance hit me and the mask start falling apart. This is I think where my PTSD came from.

It was such a pain. There were so many arguments that could have easily been avoided if she would only have listened to how I truly felt. But no, she had to white knuckle

her perspective of reality, always based on how she felt. If my view contradicted her's, I was invalidating her and that was a big no-no. And, if I said I didn't want to talk about it, knowing the conversation was going south and that I wasn't being heard, huge blow up would ensue. It was a gridlock, no win situation for me. 

Yes, I would contribute some of my PTSD with this as well.

[pieceofme]

If I disagreed with her "truth" about the matter I was automatically being confrontational. This gave her justification to rage.

this was my experience, as well. but it wasn't even a matter of disagreeing... .if i asked an innocent question that was justification for him to rage. i guess that was his point, for me to learn to keep my mouth shut 

[mywifecrazy]

Whenever I would question something, meaning she was close to having her lies exposed... .She would lie over and over to cover things up.

Now (after divorce) that I KNOW she is BPD and lies. Her reaction when I CORNER her in her lies she:

Starts yelling but at the same time walking away to get away from me and to get away from being exposed.

She also still lies to try to cover up lies but I confront her right away and she just plays dumb... .It's very sad to witness someone with such a pathology... .It really is a sad existence!

MWC

[Hopeless777]

his reaction is ALWAYS: "i'm not going back and forth with you. goodbye, pieceofme."

has anyone else experienced this?

I think this can work for both BPDs and nons. I used to try and resolve issues with my exBPDgf when they arose at the start of our r/s but what started happening was that we ended up in cyclical never ending arguments that didn't go anywhere. After a point I realised that there wasn't anypoint discussing with her and I learned from Johny Depp's motto ':)on't complain, don't explain'. I decided to simply disengage whenever something with the potential for cyclical arguments was brought up from her side whether it was truth, her truth or whatnot. What's the point?

TRUTH? What is truth to a pwBPD? We had "discussions" for hours that went round and round and round. Then I'd say, our T says this is time to stop. But no, she'd keep going and going and going. Then I'd leave the room and she'd follow me like a puppy dog. Then I'd lock myself in a bedroom and she'd pound on the door screaming. I was terrorized! After the third recycle she demanded I leave the house or she'd call the cops and say I tried to rape her. So much for my 27+ marriage. Now separated over three months, NC 76 days. Just lawyers now. BPD is the worse illness of all time. How did I ever get here?

[pieceofme]

She also still lies to try to cover up lies but I confront her right away and she just plays dumb... .It's very sad to witness someone with such a pathology... .It really is a sad existence!

my ex still lies and tries to cover up, too. i don't understand why, at this point, the lies continue. there's no point! but as hopeless777 says, what is truth?