how responsible am I?

[sophiegirl]

My uBPD mother is 89 and lives next door after deciding to move nearer to me and my husband and children. She told friends and family that I'd begged her to move nearer, which is the opposite, as we had moved to get further away from her. Anyway she has consistently reinforced the notion that a 'daughters duty' is to take care of her mother in old age and cites friends of hers who have 'wonderful' sons or daughters doing just that. The sad reality is that I don't like her, I begrudge having to take care of her and I don't love her. The result is that at the same time I feel sorry for this friendless, unloved old lady who has what I would describe as quite a miserable life. I have spent energy taking her around, introducing her to other people, trying to cheer her up but she just sucks all the energy out of me. If I then decide I want to do something with just my family she creates a dreadful scene, a couple of times getting admitted to hospital or claiming she has cancer or some other terrible illness.

Another issue which has disturbed me is she recently announced she was so unhappy living next door to us she was going to go into a home, something she would have to pay for. Sounds great but it irked me as the money she has is an inheritance I had which she got signed over to her when I was a little girl.

I am not anti-elderly, as I know plenty of happy funny olds at various social/sports clubs and we are really all the same.

Can anyone else relate?

[HappyChappy]

My heart goes out to you living next to a BPD. I live around an hour away from my BPD, and as such my two siblings have made it clear I must sort everything out. I've now been NC for 9 months, and that perception/hope remains (it ain't happening though). The situation comedy “Everyone Loves Raymond” is about a Borderline mother that lives over the road from Raymond. The comedy is about the triangulation of her sons and her constant back seat driving of their lives . It’s also a quality situation comedy (American) so well worth a watch.

sophiegirl I think most people on this board are trying to set health boundaries with their BPD and selves. Your current situation would make that quiet challenging. One thing that may help putting emotional boundaries, is understand that a BPD really doesn't care who gives them narcisstic supply. It could be a paid home help. It doesn't have to be her children or her neighbour, so long as she gets a supply. Are you concerned about your BPD living next door or is it all contained ? I know my BPD would have a glass to the wall all the time, trying to dig for something to use against us.

[Indie]

Sphiegirl, I relate completely.  Everything you describe your mother has said and done has also been expressed at some point during my relationship with my 92 year old uBPDm who lives a couple of states away.  I am NC now, literally under my doctor's orders, to save my mental health and work on healing.  Otherwise, the amazingly powerful force of my mother's PD will rip away the healing parts of the wounds.

I too have/had an inheritance from my father that my mother got signed over to her when he was sick prior to his death.   Money has been a weapon my mother used to keep me in contact, listening to her negativity and ugliness.  I have given up on getting my dad's money.

With me in NC, my mother is now using money to keep my 32 year son talking to her.  He understands, as much as he can understand these things, that she is buying him.   I say he should not take the money.  My darling husband of 40 years (who is my hero and lifesaver) says our son should take all she will give him as he does not have the baggage associated with it, and better be have it than someone else.   Either way, he is an adult and has his own relationships, so not our call.

Hug to you Sophiegirl.  I admire that you are still sane with her in such proximity!  Stay well!