heart pounding already... been gone for 5 days and in 2 hours another fight

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have had a wonderful 5 day break. Got time to sort my head out, process the good, bad and the ugly. Recharging with renewed vim and vigor to hold firm to my boundaries. I decided that I am not going to take further abuse and I would stand my ground, in an adult and hopefully loving way.

After a nice dinner made by me after a long plane ride ( ok whatever), we got to discussing light subjects that went into heavy subjects. Danger zone. I felt it coming on but I thought it would be a good opportunity to practice what I have learned and see if anything I said could defuse. I did my best to validate her feelings, even when she said that she was upset with me because over dinner I corrected her 10 year old daughter 3 times to please pull her chair in and hold her hamburger over a plate. She does this all the time. Never learns and mom never reinforces it. She eats like an animal, most things I ignore, but the last time she did this she dropped ketchup all over the cushions and her white shorts. We don't have the money right now to replace either. But I digress... .

In so many words I basically told her that there are times when she doesn't see things and I have to do the job that she doesn't. She wanted to me to let things go and basically told me that if it doesn't bother her then it shouldn't bother me. I told her that I live here too. She then began to get really angry, said some things to the effect that we can never talk about anything and left the room. Then she exclaimed "its things like this that make me want to leave". Well, I lost my cool and said to her "don't make me call your bluff". She always threatens me with this and I am sick of it. After she cooled down a bit ( or so I thought) I told her that I am tired of being threatened and I intend to act like an adult and have adult conversations and I don't think storming out of the room is accomplishing anything. I did tell her that if she needs space I can understand it but I would love to talk when she has calmed down.

Here is some truth my friends. If you have followed my posts you know that I am at my wits end. Some hours ( not days, hours) I want it to end and I am afraid if it doesn't. Other hours I stay in FOG.

I have everybody from trusted friends to psychics to ex partners ( ex girlfriend and my ex wife) telling me to kick her to the curb. Yes, I am on good terms with my exes. Strictly platonic. I assure you. They think I am a nice person who doesn't deserve this.

Am I truly done? Am I perhaps slightly trying to make her mad or provoke something so she will leave? I am waiting for the day to come when I care less. Is it coming soon? Is it here? All I know is that when I make my mind up to end it, I go into FOG and severe depression.

I guess I have a lot more learning to do.

This is a 1 1/2 year marriage. Most of you folks have told me to bail when I can because it just gets worse. To be fair I haven't posted on the staying board.

Your feedback is appreciated!

[michel71]

I have had a wonderful 5 day break. Got time to sort my head out, process the good, bad and the ugly. Recharging with renewed vim and vigor to hold firm to my boundaries. I decided that I am not going to take further abuse and I would stand my ground, in an adult and hopefully loving way.

After a nice dinner made by me after a long plane ride ( ok whatever), we got to discussing light subjects that went into heavy subjects. Danger zone. I felt it coming on but I thought it would be a good opportunity to practice what I have learned and see if anything I said could defuse. I did my best to validate her feelings, even when she said that she was upset with me because over dinner I corrected her 10 year old daughter 3 times to please pull her chair in and hold her hamburger over a plate. She does this all the time. Never learns and mom never reinforces it. She eats like an animal, most things I ignore, but the last time she did this she dropped ketchup all over the cushions and her white shorts. We don't have the money right now to replace either. But I digress... .

In so many words I basically told her that there are times when she doesn't see things and I have to do the job that she doesn't. She wanted to me to let things go and basically told me that if it doesn't bother her then it shouldn't bother me. I told her that I live here too. She then began to get really angry, said some things to the effect that we can never talk about anything and left the room. Then she exclaimed "its things like this that make me want to leave". Well, I lost my cool and said to her "don't make me call your bluff". She always threatens me with this and I am sick of it. After she cooled down a bit ( or so I thought) I told her that I am tired of being threatened and I intend to act like an adult and have adult conversations and I don't think storming out of the room is accomplishing anything. I did tell her that if she needs space I can understand it but I would love to talk when she has calmed down.

Here is some truth my friends. If you have followed my posts you know that I am at my wits end. Some hours ( not days, hours) I want it to end and I am afraid if it doesn't. Other hours I stay in FOG.

I have everybody from trusted friends to psychics to ex partners ( ex girlfriend and my ex wife) telling me to kick her to the curb. Yes, I am on good terms with my exes. Strictly platonic. I assure you. They think I am a nice person who doesn't deserve this.

Am I truly done? Am I perhaps slightly trying to make her mad or provoke something so she will leave? I am waiting for the day to come when I care less. Is it coming soon? Is it here? All I know is that when I make my mind up to end it, I go into FOG and severe depression.

I guess I have a lot more learning to do.

This is a 1 1/2 year marriage. Most of you folks have told me to bail when I can because it just gets worse. To be fair I haven't posted on the staying board.

Your feedback is appreciated!

[michel71]

UPDATE: I guess it's over. We discussed her leaving. Going back to the UK. We both admitted we are happier apart and haven't gotten along since she moved here.