canceling plan

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My exBPDgf was always up to go places until it was time to go then she was always to tired, working on her hobby or would not be home. she would invite people over because she knew I wanted to go out. I would asked her if we was still going and she would say yes, but we would never make it.

I have another question?

my ex seemed to by fine as long as I was allowing her to control the house, my life. if I was upset I had to hide my feelings. if I needed to talk about my feelings she would take her sleep meds (Ambien) so she would not have to deal with it. she would tell me days later that on last  Wednesday when she looked at me on the couch that she hated me. I would asked her why? and she would say for nothing. everything was fine until she would get stressed because I had a need or I needed her to help with the house hold bills. then she would get upset with me, but would not yell just go do something to punish me or would b___ that I did not clean the house wright or I did not take the trash out. or she would spend all her money so she would not have to pay for anything. she would complain if I bought cheep would.

if my friends were over she would make fun of me .

my question is did your exs ever same thing then the next day change plains on you?

[ajr5679]

My exBPDgf was always up to go places until it was time to go then she was always to tired, working on her hobby or would not be home. she would invite people over because she knew I wanted to go out. I would asked her if we was still going and she would say yes, but we would never make it.

I have another question?

my ex seemed to by fine as long as I was allowing her to control the house, my life. if I was upset I had to hide my feelings. if I needed to talk about my feelings she would take her sleep meds (Ambien) so she would not have to deal with it. she would tell me days later that on last  Wednesday when she looked at me on the couch that she hated me. I would asked her why? and she would say for nothing. everything was fine until she would get stressed because I had a need or I needed her to help with the house hold bills. then she would get upset with me, but would not yell just go do something to punish me or would b___ that I did not clean the house wright or I did not take the trash out. or she would spend all her money so she would not have to pay for anything. she would complain if I bought cheep would.

if my friends were over she would make fun of me .

my question is did your exs ever same thing then the next day change plains on you?

[Infern0]

Sounds like we were with the exact same person.

Mine would make plans with me, be texting me all day telling me how much she was looking forward to it, text me she was about to leave,  I'd get out of the shower and 5 minutes after she was suppose to arrive I'd get a message that she was too tired to come!

This happened multiple times and after a few I got annoyed,  and she went to my replacement.

By the way this was after I'd admitted I had feelings for her,  all the time I was non commital she couldn't get enough of me and never flaked

[LuckyNicki]

Its hard to say of cancelling plans is a BPD thing.  But ill tell you what based on the things I've read and learned.

If she is truly a BPD or has some form of emotional disorder, manipulator etc... .


Then its probably that when u guys made plans at that very moment, she wants to go.   Bpders make decisions based on their current emotions.  So if u made plans, it was a plan decided at the moment and when the time comes to act on it, her emotions were diff.

I experienced a ton of flakiness.   I never tolerated women that flakes as much as my uBPDexgf, but I became a doormat and allowed for it because my girl was going through chemo. 

Obviously, it also backfired hard because her flaking was due to the fact that I was a second option and she was secure that date with an exbf.  So if he didn't go out with her, she somehow didn't flake on me.

The world can be cruel.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Mine couldn't compromise, and couldn't be on time for others to drive her places. Then once in the said place, she'd take extra long just to be rude. And when I'd have anxiety attacks, she'd intentionally make my anxiety worse by doing or making worse whatever it was I was fretting about. I've come to the conclusion that since she was emotionally extremely sensitive to the needs of others, she felt enslaved by it and was fighting back. I don't know what you'd call it, oppositional defiance disorder maybe? I suffer from similar features, but not nearly as bad.

[goldylamont]

hells ya, my ex was the master at claiming she would/wanted to go somewhere and then lying to get out of it. but this was mainly during the last year or so of the r/s when i think she was looking for excuses to punish or provoke. i was accused of being unromantic or not contributing to the r/s, she said we never went anywhere or did anything, yet all of my suggestions for trips she would lie or make up dumb excuses to thwart the plan. frustrating to say the least.

[Lolster]

My relationship with my pwBPD was very brief, both times around.  But during the recent recycle he did cause an argument to avoid keeping to plans that we made, that were originally his idea.

He was complaining of his physical ailments, and possible need to be hospitalised.  I therefore put no pressure on him to keep to the plans we made, said I understood.  And guess what?  Yep, he flew into a rage and accused me of not wanting to honour those plans.  Suddenly he could re-arrange those plans and would struggle through his physical pain no matter what, just for me!  And yes, just after we followed through with those plans (on a different date) I was all kinds of abusive for not appreciating the pain he went through for me. 

[ajr5679]

thank you for your replies I just want to make sure it not just me.

[freedom33]

Hey ajr5679. I had exactly the same experience. She would consistently change plans to piss me off. Sometimes plans with friends and it would be embarassing. I 'd be boiling with anger but keep it to myself. Of course even though I didnt articulate my anger she could notice and was pleased about it (sadistic piece of s**t). So when that worked she 'd do it more often. Then I changed my tactic and I stopped making plans with her. I took my life back and start planning for myself as if she wasn't around.

When I stopped taking the bait and caring (that was probably seen by her as me being non commital as inferno said or under her total control) then she wanted to see me all the time and would never flake on me. The more I didn't care the more excited to see me she was, the more over the top gestures she would make to win me back and the better the sex it was. So I started playing the game and was good at it for a couple of months. I got her out of my mind and focused on me and my work.

But then I asked myself what is the point if the only way to be ok with this woman is to not be with her i.e. to don't care about her? I decided I wanted a real relationship. Funilly this paradox actually was an eye opener for me 'the only way to be happy in relation to her is to not be in relation to her'

[goldylamont]

Hey ajr5679. I had exactly the same experience. She would consistently change plans to piss me off. Sometimes plans with friends and it would be embarassing. I 'd be boiling with anger but keep it to myself. Of course even though I didnt articulate my anger she could notice and was pleased about it (sadistic piece of s**t). So when that worked she 'd do it more often. Then I changed my tactic and I stopped making plans with her. I took my life back and start planning for myself as if she wasn't around.

When I stopped taking the bait and caring (that was probably seen by her as me being non commital as inferno said or under her total control) then she wanted to see me all the time and would never flake on me. The more I didn't care the more excited to see me she was, the more over the top gestures she would make to win me back and the better the sex it was. So I started playing the game and was good at it for a couple of months. I got her out of my mind and focused on me and my work.

But then I asked myself what is the point if the only way to be ok with this woman is to not be with her i.e. to don't care about her? I decided I wanted a real relationship. Funilly this paradox actually was an eye opener for me 'the only way to be happy in relation to her is to not be in relation to her'

i went through much of what you are talking about after breaking up and thinking of reconciling. i'm actually pretty good at being detached, or in this case faking it for a while to get back some 'power' if you will. but at some point i realized no matter how much this person was telling me she wanted to spend time with me, but instead played games, that i was unwilling to do this. i mean, when you are just getting to know somebody a bit of independence and detachment can be attractive, but for someone claiming she thinks of me every day, who i'd lived with and known for years, these are stupid games to play. not a way to live or be happy and not a real relationship.

about a year previous to this when we were still together i was trying to organize a trip to see my family with her. she had met a lot of my family but this trip there were more and she could've met a lot of fun cousins i have from different parts of the country. well she beat around the bush and made it impossible for me to make plans and wouldn't give me a definite answer. meanwhile, a friend of mine is a indie artist and had booked a short tour in Europe and invited me to tag along (extra seat in the van)--i told him i wish i could but that i had this family thing the same week. but after weeks of never getting a firm answer from my gf, i just said eff it, i'll go to tour in europe instead. it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. so last minute i got my passport and took that trip. it was great and i am SOO glad i took that trip. (my family encouraged me to go as well). when i got back from europe of course i was accused of having sex with groupies, of being a horrible person and of abandoning her. nothing even close to the truth of course. months later when we broke up she has the audacity of saying me taking that trip was really when she started wanting out, . so silly. my priority was to spend time with her, i was going to get a nice place for us on the beach and the works. was so looking forward to it. but she wanted to sabotage this for absolutely no reason at all. there's a lot of times where i can look back and see where i triggered her abandonment fears that i feel like with more know-how i could have behaved better. but in this case honestly she could suck on the abandonment bone for all i cared  i'm happy i didn't give up that trip to stay and be miserable with her. it wouldn't have made a bit of difference in the end

[freedom33]

my priority was to spend time with her, i was going to get a nice place for us on the beach and the works. was so looking forward to it. but she wanted to sabotage this for absolutely no reason at all. there's a lot of times where i can look back and see where i triggered her abandonment fears that i feel like with more know-how i could have behaved better. but in this case honestly she could suck on the abandonment bone for all i cared   i'm happy i didn't give up that trip to stay and be miserable with her. it wouldn't have made a bit of difference in the end

Yeah. I can see how at the start I may have been a bit detached and being a relatively good looking guy and quite succesful professionally (was... .not anymore) could have triggered issues for her. But I was SO in love with her.

In one of our breaks, she contacted a friend of mine behind my back via fb and was telling him how mean I was to her and how could I do this or that to her etc. and my friend told her

'look I have never ever seen freedom33 in love like this before. This is a misunderstanding. Why don't you talk to him instead of me and works things out between you guys'? He just couldn't get what she was doing and neither could I.  I mean I was head over heels for her and would have never abandonded her. She was everything I was looking for or maybe she portrayed and acted the woman that I was looking for or maybe I projected my ideal woman image onto her at the start (as it happens in idealisation). But when it was time to come back to reality she saw that as rejection and abandonment and brought the same abandonment she feared on herself in the end. I really want to sing to her the radiohead song she played one night when she had me over for dinner "You do it to yourself, you do and that's what really hurts"

[RedDove]

Oh boy, yes! My ex BPDbf cancelled plans all the time in the last year of our 4 year encounter. He likely was on the hunt for a replacement during that time period.

Here's just a glimpse of a few:

- Invited me to his nephews wedding out of state. Cancelled 2 days prior stating "no guests allowed". Apparently he couldn't read a friggin wedding invitation correctly! Lol!

- Was invited to his nieces wedding in his sisters backyard on the ocean. Asked why he didn't invite me, excuse was "limited guest list and small backyard". I saw the photo"s after on his nieces FB page... .the backyard was huge!

- Flew back from business trip (2,000+ miles) to be there for him at his brother in laws wake/funeral. At the wake he was nervous and jittery (like he didn't want me there). He told me the funeral was "family" only! I got home, read the Obit in the paper and it said Funeral Mass, Friends and Family are Welcome.

- We made plans to go camping for several weeks at a national park. I even offerd to pay 1/2. When it came to book the weeks, he said the axel on the trailer was damaged. The next summer he talked about going camping again. I was like, hmmm... .thought the axel was broken? He was like, no, you must have misunderstood. I said yeah whatever. I left him a month before and his trailer has grass and roots growing into it!

- We went to a beach resort for Memorial Day Weekend (paid for by yours truly). I made reservations for dinner and I wanted to go to a beach I used to visit as a kid. He said he wasn't "feeling" up to it and so we stayed in the hotel room, ordered take out delivery and watched T.V. What a waste of a beautiful weekend and $$$.

- I cooked lobster and steamers for him for dinner. 10 minutes before he texted that he was not "feeling" up to it. I was already cooking and pissed! I said everythings already cooking! He texted "I'm struggling... .dealing with some painful memories from my past". I didn't know he suffered from BPD at the time. BUT, in retrospect, he was definitely trying to tell me back then!

I dealt with so much dissappointment, anger and hurt over him cancelling and blowing me off. My friends used to call him my "invisible" make believe boyfriend. Most of my friends have no idea how "true" that really was!

[ajr5679]

thanks everybody that read my post and replied to it. I always felt that I was being punished or I was not her time. but she would do this with everybody now that I think back it. she never had money for anything so I was the one always paying.