Appropriate Boundaries?

[Rlsmith2]

What are appropriate boundaries when your 21 daughter is having a rage and living at home? Do I let her snap at me, be rude and mean? She was just diagnosed about 6 months ago. When I ask if she is making her appointments she really snaps. I feel torn between being involved in her care and respecting her boundaries.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Rlsmith2 & 

I'm really sorry about the troubles you are having with your daughter, but the good news is that she has been diagnosed, and though she gives you grief if you talk to her about her appointments, she has appointments, and if she is going to them (however begrudgingly), then that is the first big hurdle that she has jumped in her road to recovery. You are ahead of so many loved ones of BPD sufferers who will not admit they have problems, and will not seek help!

Have you had the chance to read the links to the right-hand side of this page? The TOOLS and THE LESSONS?  I can certainly understand a boundary of your daughter not snapping at you or otherwise dysregulating when you talk to her, and that is a wise thing to learn about. Have you also considered learning about communicating with her in a way that doesn't push every one of her buttons?

Once we learn about Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it, and TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth, many of us find that this change in the way we deal with our BPD child ends up causing a change in the way they react to us. And most times, it's in a good way 

Your daughter's reactions to you are exactly the way my own BPD son (37) used to react to me, before I learned these communication tools & techniques. The very first time I clumsily used them when asking him if he'd taken his meds--one of the questions which would set him off--he reacted thoughtfully to me and didn't rage at all! I was in shock, and from that moment on I learned all I could and used these tools every single time I communicated with him. The positive reinforcement (for me!) in using the information I learned here just kept me learning and using it all. And things are much better now... .

[pessim-optimist]

Welcome to the Parenting board, Rlsmith2!

That is a tough call regarding her appointments... .In a way, it is her responsibility to make and keep those - what's her history with being able top keep appointments? Is she defensive in that she doesn't want your help with that? Who is paying for her healthcare (if it's you, it may be partly your business and therefore a right to know)?

As far as appropriate boundaries: it is really your call what you consider to be appropriate in the first place, and then you can decide where you want to draw the line. Some things you may decide are unacceptable, some things you may not like but decide to let go, and some things you may decide to work on little by little... .

For example, you may consider raging absolutely unacceptable (most people do), and therefore establish a boundary of no raging. Your daughter is the one who is controlling her own behavior, you cannot control her. But you can choose to protect yourself (remove yourself from the situation) when she decides to rage.

This is a really helpful workshop on the topic of boundaries here on the site: BOUNDARIES - Living our values.

The main thing is that boundaries are about you and protecting yourself, and you have to have a way to enforce them (otherwise it's not a boundary, it's just a request that a person w/BPD will most likely not respect).

Does that make sense?

[sharklover]

I too am trying to figure out how to respond to manipulation- but threats from my BPD 18 year old daughter. She has hurt my younger son in past and I am afraid for him to be around her, unsupervised.

[Rlsmith2]

Thank you! I am going to watch the video and try it out. I'm trying so hard to be supportive but, I was caught off guard 6 months ago when her college called me that she suggested she was going to harm herself. I learned quickly that she was not forthcoming in attending classes, and other areas. The attending appointments and taking Meds seem to be one of our biggest struggles.

[SeaSprite]

Sometimes with my D I'll start with something like "You might already have this covered, but is there anything you need from me for to get those appointments set up?" (Or homework, or whatever the thing is)

It sometimes helps to phrase the reminder as an offer of help.

When my D is rude, I'll usually say something like "I don't think I deserve that", and if she self-corrects we continue the conversation, and if she continues I'll say "Let's talk later" and walk away. (Disclaimer, I've been doing this since the kids were young, might be why my D16 is the quiet kind of BPD, she has more problems with self-harm, suicidal ideation, lying and sneaking around and rarely rages- she turns her problems inward and outward from the family, punctuated by occasional outbursts of how I don't understand and always judge.)

This is a lot to take in.

When my first daughter was born, the pediatrician told me to "Remember, this (parenting) is a marathon not a sprint."

She was telling me to make sure to take care of myself, not try to do so much all at once that I fall apart.

I'm trying to continue taking this advice to heart with our ongoing BPD issues. (Not that she is diagnosed, she has anxiety/depression diagnoses, but I think her struggles look more BPD, and I have more luck (and empathy)dealing with them as such).

[Rlsmith2]

Thank you much for the advice and the support! I've been treading lightly and rewarding her with positive feedback when she's nice and thoughtful. Sometimes I'm just so tired that I just forget to re-word things. Her depression keeps from engaging from things too so, it's a constant battle sometimes. She's had a few good days lately and gives me some hope. You're right about this being a marathon.