This is my goodbye letter-leaving the door open

[plumlee]

This is a letter I am considering sending to my ex-wife with BPD. Background, 59 year old widow married 50 Yr old divorcee. She moved out after 2 months and not until a onth later did I figure out she has BPD. See previous posts for more details if you like. Please someone let me know how you think this may work out.

here is my best shot. I expressed to her all the symptoms she showed of BPD in a non-judgmental way, apologized for not understanding each part of it in terms she and I are both familiar with and left the door open for friendship. That is as far as I'm taking it and will be going through with the divorce. I am wondering what others think of this.

I am not caving in but am leaving the door open because I want to help if she wants to change. She knows she has a problem but likely doesn't have any idea how to get better. It wasn't such a nightmare as others have experienced and she has been through enough break-ups that this may be seen to her as normal. I have a sense that all her others were much more traumatic and ended after much more pain. Her exes probably had no clue what was really going on and just ended it. I am just too much of an honest man to let a marriage fail leaving my heart-felt promise unmet. I will pay for her treatment if she wants.

=============================================================

xxx,

I am writing you to apologize for the part I played in our marriage breaking up. I feel so much guilt and shame over it and I want you to understand that this is coming from the depth of my soul. I did things, said things, and thought things which I realize hurt you deeply which I can never change or remove from your memory. This also causes me pain. Over time and much thought I have come to understand the wrong things which I did and ask for your forgiveness.

I feel in the depth of my soul that you truly loved me as much as anyone can love another person. I too still have a great love for you for the wonderful human being that you are which is why I feel badly about so many things I failed to do in our marriage. You truly deserve better because you are worthy of much more than I gave you.

To me you gave solace from the loneliness which was tearing me to the core. Words cannot express the empathy I felt when we met and the comfort that it was to me in my time of need. For that gift of total love I am forever grateful. I feel and know it was true and beyond any ulterior motives. My soul feels it still and it grieves me greatly to know that you came to feel rejected by me. I know that your greatest fear is abandonment and losing someone’s love and that due to my failures I brought about those feelings. For that I apologize to your soul.

Remember all those times I looked deep into your eyes for what seemed like an eternity? Remember that you asked me what I saw? I told you that I saw you, but you didn’t look the same. Remember that we talked about the masks that people wear hiding their true selves? When I looked into your eyes I was looking beyond the mask and seeing your soul. I saw deep inside a wonderful soul, a soul made by God and full of love. That is who you really are. I felt it, I know it, God knows it, it is real and present, that is reality.

Yes, just as you said we all wear masks. We hide inside us our emotions and some of our deepest thoughts which are so hard to express. Remember when we both shared some of our deepest thoughts?

We shared things with each other which came from behind the mask and that made our love much deeper, we could feel each other’s souls touch from far away and forever. I felt it and know that you did too. For that experience I am also grateful for it had never happened before and it also brought me so much joy and peace.

I know now that there were many things behind our masks which we didn’t discover or share with each other. Those things which we should have shared which we never did contributed to many misunderstandings. Yes those things which we never got out in the open ended up creating storms between us. Sometimes the storms were like a fog which separated us, some of them were steady rain which washed over making us feel cold and angry. Some were lightning strikes which set off raging fires between us. I am so sorry that those things happened.

I know that my working away from you ended up making your life difficult and brought on feelings of pain. You have a great need for closeness and comfort which was not fully met when I was away. You seldom expressed it but thinking back I believe that created a fog of separation in which your fears could grow in ways I didn’t understand. I believe it made you feel lost alone and hurt you more than I ever knew.

The conflicts over the house were the rainstorms which made you feel doubts about the sincerity of my love, they caused you to feel cold and angry. I now understand better that you weren’t simply trying to have control over things in the house. I believe that making it your own was your way of finding the security you so desperately feel a need to have. I failed to recognize that need and to accommodate it in a way which would have made you feel more secure.

Because of my lack of understanding there were things I did and said or even just a look on my face that were triggers like stormy lightning bolts setting off a stormy conflagration inside of you. You are an extremely sensitive person and reacted to those things with such strong emotion that I became confused. I truly did not understand exactly what to do or how to prevent those things from splitting us apart. I failed in understanding and responding in the totally loving way I should have.

There was a term you used, “Bad Groceries”. I understood the concept, it meant something or someone which you could not tolerate, something which you pushed away and rejected. I now realize that in the end I likely became “Bad Groceries” to you. I can only hope that somehow you can see that there were some things in my bag of groceries which were good, nothing in a person is all black or white. I never planned to be “Bad Groceries” or wanted to be that kind of husband. I’m sorry that some of my groceries were not always good.

I don’t know in which time or space I could develop the skills to understand how to deal with and live with the things which lie behind your mask.  At the same time behind my own mask lies another flawed soul which obviously has failed to meet your expectations and needs. Perhaps both of us expected a perfection which was unattainable. Perhaps each of us needs to change or grow towards a place where we can meet again and somehow find peace. For now all I can offer is a reassurance to your soul from the depth of mine that I still love you as a human being, that your soul is worthy of love and capable of returning it greatly to others.

I hope that you can find a way to accept this apology for my failure to understand you and the mistakes I made which hurt you. I wish that you will be happy, safe and secure wherever your life leads you. If you ever need me I will try again to be your friend. Just call or write.

Love,

xxx

[GaGrl]

In my opinion... .a good exercise in exorcism... .don't send it.  Too codependent.

[Obdurate1]

This letter is an exercise in futility. I know that sounds harsh but after being in a relationship with someone with BPD traits I am sure you will appreciate the candor.

At this stage of the relationship she most likely has no interest in your feelings or what you perceive her problems to be. That and the sheer length of this letter will guarantee she won't read it.

If you had sent her something this heartfelt during the honeymoon phase it would have been well received. But you are in a different ball game now with rules that morph continuously.

If you would like to communicate with her to let her know you are there for her, and send something she can possibly understand, just send the last paragraph. Short sweet and to the point.

Delete the rest and consider it as therapy for your soul.