Shame?

[SpringInMyStep]

So it's been almost 6 weeks now since my wife moved out (yay!). I have a therapist and she's great. Actually, she's probably the one who helped me realize that this relationship wasn't healthy. So I'm out of it and trying to figure myself out.

The weird thing is, I feel like no one really understands how I could get involved with her. I've had more than one friend say "why were you even with her?"... .even my therapist is all worried that I'll get involved with another needy person and neglect my own needs.

I guess it makes me feel bad when people point out that they knew she was crazy and why didn't I see it, etc.

I feel like people (except you guys, of course) don't understand if they've never known anyone with BPD just how manipulative they are and how they suck you into their world. I feel like people think it's some weakness or defect on my part for falling for her lies.

[Tolou]

it's not  a defect to love someone and try  to make thing's work with a person that you truly believed that you can share your life with. the way try  to see it is that I would have been filled with regret not taking the risk of loving as opposed  to trying and things not working out. at least  we tried and have it a chance unfortunately it was with someone who could return the love we were seeking . I can live with that I am learning to

[Infern0]

There's no shame in being a kind, caring person. You can still be a kind and caring person but like all of us you've had a life lesson that some people are just beyond help and sometimes love just isn't enough.

One of my mates says I was stupid to get involved etc but he's a narcissist so he's got the best defence against someone with BPD.

She tried to sucker him in before me with telling him she was raped as a kid and you know how he reacted? LAUGHED IN HER FACE.

So you have to ask yourself,  who reacted wrongly,  him or us?

I know who I'd rather be,  and I may have lost everything else but at least I still have my humanity.  So do you.

[Tibbles]

I mentioned in a session with my T that I felt so ashamed and he pulled me up for it. He basically said shame is felt when you do something that you know is wrong. Falling in love and being with that person is nothing to be ashamed about. I feel others wondered why I stayed and why I was in the relationship too. Unless you've been there  you don't understand. We may have been manipulated and become stuck in an unhealthy relationship and contributed to that unhealthy cycle, but we are changing and growing and learning and becoming stronger and that is nothing to be ashamed of! The fact that we are on this site and learning shows we some of the toughest, most resilient people around  (saying all this for my own sake as much as yours, cause I get those same shame feelings too). Another big plus for me is I have so much more compassion for others who are going through hard times, and I like that about myself!

[drummerboy]

I love this post Tibbles.

We can rage about it (a natural part of grieving) but if we get stuck there we are just hurting ourselves. I know in my heart that I gave all the love I had to give to my ex, sure I made some mistakes but in my heart I thought I was in love. When the crap started and then I started to see the red flags I made it very clear that I would do anything to support her if she wanted to get help. So I know that I have nothing to be ashamed about.

Before I met my ex I knew almost nothing about mental illness, I now know more than I ever wanted to, but that's fine, as you say, it makes us more empathetic and compassionate than most and strangely, they are the personality traits most missing from a BPD sufferer.

In my case, the relationship forced me to confront inner child issues and hurts I'd been carrying around since I was a little boy. I'm working on them and know I will come out the other side a much better person than I was

before I met my uBPDex.

I mentioned in a session with my T that I felt so ashamed and he pulled me up for it. He basically said shame is felt when you do something that you know is wrong. Falling in love and being with that person is nothing to be ashamed about. I feel others wondered why I stayed and why I was in the relationship too. Unless you've been there  you don't understand. We may have been manipulated and become stuck in an unhealthy relationship and contributed to that unhealthy cycle, but we are changing and growing and learning and becoming stronger and that is nothing to be ashamed of! The fact that we are on this site and learning shows we some of the toughest, most resilient people around  (saying all this for my own sake as much as yours, cause I get those same shame feelings too). Another big plus for me is I have so much more compassion for others who are going through hard times, and I like that about myself!

[imstronghere2]

I guess it makes me feel bad when people point out that they knew she was crazy and why didn't I see it, etc.

I feel like people (except you guys, of course) don't understand if they've never known anyone with BPD just how manipulative they are and how they suck you into their world. I feel like people think it's some weakness or defect on my part for falling for her lies.

I felt that way soon after my exwBPD left us and I still do at times, BUT it's getting better!   

Now I look at those same people that don't have any idea about BPD or what I went through and I realize how vulnerable they are.  We now have the knowledge and strength to not ever get wrapped up in something like that again.

[SpringInMyStep]

Yes, I have to keep reminding myself that most people know nothing about dealing with mental illness. I didn't know anything about it before getting involved with her, so I think that's why I went along with things, because I figured she knew more than I did.

I don't feel bad about loving her or anything, but the shame comes from believing all of her crazy stories and stuff, thinking "how could I have fallen for all that?". Seriously, my wife told me some crazy stuff and I believed her because before I knew she had BPD, I believed all of her reactions and emotional things. I figured how could this be fake when I am sitting right here looking at her and this seems real? She had me convinced that she had multiple personalities and now I know that's just a part of her BPD. True multiples have blackouts, not remembering when they're the other people. She claimed she was a "unique sort of multiple" and I believed her. I believed she had PTSD and trauma but now I know that all of her trauma was self-inflicted. She has her therapist convinced of all these lies too.

[camuse]

Strawberries, I have read all your posts and you are so well out of this. I feel good when friends tell me they thought she was weird or crazy, but didnt want to say - makes me even more sure it wasn't about me. Yours is one of the most clear cut cases I have seen here - there are so so many red flags.

It isn't the done thing to say this, but I now think that ambiguous sexuality is probably a potential red flag too. I thought it was cool that mine was bisexual, now I realise she in fact had no sense of her own sexuality and just binded with whatever was on offer. I used to be very liberal, but I would avoid anyone with unusal sexual history or taste now, personally.

[SpringInMyStep]

Yes, camuse, I definitely feel like this is causing me to rethink what I want in a relationship, sexually and otherwise. My wife was definitely more of a novelty, someone to try new things with, experiment, etc. We were really really kinky. What's interesting, though probably not surprising, was that she preferred the submissive role and rarely reciprocated. I had to do all of the "work". We had to always have a "scene" with her as the center of attention.

Looking back it all makes sense.

I've removed myself from all dating sites and have no interest in that stuff right now, but I imagine that when I re-enter the dating world, my preferences may be much more "vanilla". I want someone to participate in the activities and not just lie there like a diva.

[camuse]

Yeah I could have written that. I always wanted a super kinky partner but now I'll settle for some run of the mill sex with someone who is just happy to be with me, not using me as a human dildo at the centre of some kinky scene.

[SpringInMyStep]

HAHA! Yes, I like actual skin-to-skin contact, not touching with all sorts of implements and stuff. I mean sometimes that can be fun, but I like touching.

[Pingo]

So it's been almost 6 weeks now since my wife moved out (yay!). I have a therapist and she's great. Actually, she's probably the one who helped me realize that this relationship wasn't healthy. So I'm out of it and trying to figure myself out.

The weird thing is, I feel like no one really understands how I could get involved with her. I've had more than one friend say "why were you even with her?"... .even my therapist is all worried that I'll get involved with another needy person and neglect my own needs.

I guess it makes me feel bad when people point out that they knew she was crazy and why didn't I see it, etc.

I feel like people (except you guys, of course) don't understand if they've never known anyone with BPD just how manipulative they are and how they suck you into their world. I feel like people think it's some weakness or defect on my part for falling for her lies.

I can so relate to what you are saying, it makes me feel so embarrassed when people just wonder what the heck must have been wrong with me to put up with that abuse... .I remember a friend years ago who was in a bad r/s with an abusive man (quite possibly BPD).  I used to worry about her so much and just couldn't figure out why she kept going back to him, he was aweful!  Now I understand.  Now I feel compassion.  I wish I could have then.  So I have learned to never judge what someone else's experience might look like.  Until we walk in their shoes we really have no idea.

[SpringInMyStep]

Yes, Pingo, I definitely compare this to an abusive relationship. My wife wasn't physically abusive, but emotionally, yes. It's really obvious now, but while you're in the middle of it, no. I really thought I was doing what you were supposed to do for someone you love and that was support her no matter what.