Teenage Daughter has BPD

[34Westbrook]

I noticed a huge change in my daughter at the age of 12 when she lost a friendship. It was at this time she starting restricting food and becoming absessive about gymnastics. By age 15 she was diagnosed with anorexia and was in and out of treatment in all levels of care for a year. She also becaome very agressive and explosive during her illness. This has continued now that she is weight restored and we have had the police at our home many times. The BPD diagnosis weas mentioned during her last in patient stay but was not given because of her age. She now has all her anger directed toward me and our living situation is tense. She refuses therapy and all medications. I am hoping to give and get support. Thank you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

dear 34westbrook

I just wanted to welcome you here. I found this site two years ago and I don't know where I would be today without it. I have a dd17... .the last few years have been rough and yes the police have been to my door many times. Your dd seems to be struggling a long time and that is so hard on the family. I hang out on the parent board L5. There is a good group of people that are in similar situation as you. When I read many of the posts I feel I am reading about my dd at times. My dd also gets very upset when she loses a friend and has hurt herself over it a few times. I feel it is their lack of social skills that really impact them and make them an outsider. Has your dd been able to make some new friends? Is school hard for her?

One thing I want encourage you to do is to get the book Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr... .this book really has helped me so much. Also there is a lot ot read here on this site. The tools I learned here have really helped with the raging and explosive outbrusts. I really had to learn a different way of communication with my dd and that has helped... .even if they won't seek help there is a lot you can do to make things better at home... .hope to see you on the parent board.

[maxen]

hi 43Westbrook and i join jellibeans in saying 

as you see from jellibeans' answer, there are many parents here who have known the special stress of raising a BPD child. i've said often that i think parents in your situation are heroic - you give so much and there is not always a kind return. but we have an active community of posters who are ready to listen and to help, and a wealth of resources too. welcome again!

when a child suffers from BPD, not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often so are those who loves them. this illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the anxiety. the good news is that there are approaches to these problems. you'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. a great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? please also visit the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board and join us in learning how to understand and communicate with our children better. please also note the sub-board at the top of that page for treatment reviews.

do you have any support for yourself? do you have a counselor or can others help you out? please keep posting 34Westbrook!

[Caredverymuch]

I noticed a huge change in my daughter at the age of 12 when she lost a friendship. It was at this time she starting restricting food and becoming absessive about gymnastics. By age 15 she was diagnosed with anorexia and was in and out of treatment in all levels of care for a year. She also becaome very agressive and explosive during her illness. This has continued now that she is weight restored and we have had the police at our home many times. The BPD diagnosis weas mentioned during her last in patient stay but was not given because of her age. She now has all her anger directed toward me and our living situation is tense. She refuses therapy and all medications. I am hoping to give and get support. Thank you!

Hi 34Westbrook   

I join in and would like to say 

I am sorry to hear of your struggles with your daughter. Parenting adolescents in never an easy ride.  You have found a wonderful source of support here as so many share similar experiences in full support.  ! I look forward to hearing more as you continue to post and I do hope you are giving yourself a   for being such a great parent!

CVM

[34Westbrook]

Thank you so much fo your replies. I am so worried about my daughter. Yesterday was her first day back atschool. She stayed with relatives over the summer and put on a lot of weight. She is now very self conscious but also seems to be in denial about what to do. She was on the school diving team but has quit because of her weight gain. Last year when she did see a therapist the recommndation was to send her away to a Wilderness camp. The cost was astonomical and we did not do it and sent her to live with her aunt for the summer. It was a great break for my husband and I but she has come back even worse and will not accept treatment of any kind. She will be 18 in a few weeks and am feeling so guilkty that i did not find the money to send her to a therapeutic camp. Has anyone else had experience with these camps... do they work?

[jellibeans]

dear 34westbrook

I would not feel badly about that. I have read that the wilderness camps are not a good fit for people with BPD. I urge you to get the book I suggested. There really are ways to interact with our kids that improve our relationship and reduce conflict.

My dd17 is waiting to turn 18... .she has dreams of leaving here and being on her own. She is very immature for her age and has no idea of the cost involved with living on your own etc. The fist day of school is always so stressful. I hope things improve once she settles in a bit.

What are your main issue with your dd right now?

[SeaSprite]

Sometimes getting a change of scenery is helpful, so don't beat yourself up about having your D go stay with Aunt. You probably needed the break as well. And the thing with BPD, is that it is one big game of Heads I win, tails you lose.

There are a few advantages to them turning 18.

One is that it is a reality check, that they aren't living at home because they have to but because they aren't ready to move out. Some kids comprehend this somehow.

You can have conversations around planning for her to move out and so on, not in a scaring her or threatening her kind of way, but "what can I do to help" sort of way.

If she is absolutely refusing therapy, etc, after the age of 18, there is the option of insisting she either start making some changes or move out. You might not go that far, but it is something you can have in your pocket that might make you feel less helpless.

After 18, you are not legally responsible for them or their choices. You get to choose what you will help with and what you won't.

My BPD D 16 is just dying to turn 18 and be free of me. I don't think it will work quite like that, but I'm looking forward to her not being my LEGAL responsibility anymore. Maybe that makes me a bad mother. I am definitely a tired mother.