She looked up a therapist

[itgirl]

Hi,

My partner and I had a big blow up this weekend.  After I left the house for the day to spend it away from her she wrote me a long letter owning up and apologizing for everything.  Everything that I ever wanted she addressed in the letter and apologized.  She looked at her self and told me what she see is very ugly.  I finally get when people say BPD have a lot of shame.  I see that now very clearly.  Deep down she must have known the things she did to me was wrong but she was too ashamed to admit it to herself or me.

She looked online and searched for a therapist.  Well she found what she believe will work and it is IMAGO therapy for couples. 

I have read about it and I do see how it can help.  I'm going to try and stay optimistic about this development.  I was just wondering if anyone has seen a therapist that does the IMAGO method?

ps.  I did ask her if she wanted to maybe see a therapist on her own and me but she declined.  So for now I will take what I can get!

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[maxsterling]

It's a very good thing that she is admitting she has issues and is seeking help.  It sounds like you were getting to wits end with her, and it sounds like this is a big relief for you!

I haven't heard of the IMAGO method, but I think any therapy that targets an individual's sense of self and helps manage past traumas is good for BPD.  I think the key to healing (for anyone, not just BPDs) requires learning to accept the reality for what is and not assign blame and discovering who we are and what we want and need in life. 

I've said this on here before, but I think it bears mention again - admitting they have a problem and getting into therapy is a huge step, but it's important to keep our expectations low.  I think it's common for us to expect quick change after that, for them to apologize and take blame for past behaviors, and become positive people.  Look for positives, but changes may be real slow, and at times it may seem things are getting worse.  And that requires us, as loved ones, to constantly be re-evaluating our relationships and our roles.  I know in my case life was hell and I was so completely worn out when she went into the hospital.  And I expected the hospitalization to "fix" her, but it didn't.  It's been a long and slow process since that has truly tested my patience.

[itgirl]

Thanks for your response. I must admit that her owning up to her problems and recognizing that she plays a part in our troublesome relationship is something I thought would never happen. She is just so stubborn.

My expectations are low. I know that fixing herself will take many many years. But at least I have a glimmer of hope! For the first time in years I feel validated.

I still need to figure out how she could remember all the little things over the years that caused me so much pain and apologise in the letter. It must mean deep deep down she knows the hurt she caused?

[Rapt Reader]

Thanks for your response. I must admit that her owning up to her problems and recognizing that she plays a part in our troublesome relationship is something I thought would never happen. She is just so stubborn.

I do think that this was a turning point for her, and indicates that she has a good handle on the fact that she needs help. The search for a Therapist is really encouraging!

My expectations are low. I know that fixing herself will take many many years. But at least I have a glimmer of hope! For the first time in years I feel validated.

It's smart to not be unrealistic, and realizing that recovery takes a lot of time. But having hope isn't wrong--you should be happy    When my son came out of his Dual Diagnosis Program (where he was diagnosed with his BPD), we knew right away that he was on the road to recovery. He had a great knowledge--finally--of just what his troubles were, and where they came from. And I can say that it was the turning point for him. He's been in recovery ever since (16 months) and is feeling and doing very well. He's not fully recovered, and still has setbacks every now and then, which manifest as mild depression and/or anxiety, but he's very cognizant of his remaining troubles and is continuing with his Therapies.

I still need to figure out how she could remember all the little things over the years that caused me so much pain and apologise in the letter. It must mean deep deep down she knows the hurt she caused?

I do agree with that... .It took a lot for my son to have that conversation with me, confessing what he'd learned about himself and apologizing for all of his past transgressions. That step did convince me that things had changed for him, and that he was serious about recovery. I am really happy for your partner, and for you, too!

[maxsterling]

Something I have experienced which you may have to deal with:

I thought that if she recognized the hurt she is responsible for and apologized, that would lead to recovery and changed behavior and that I would feel better and our r/s would improve.  But in my case, we can go from "it's all my fault you are causing me misery I hate you" to "I am a horrible person, you shouldn't be with someone like me, I should just kill myself." In a matter of minutes.  There seems to be almost nothing in between.  It's either the world is at fault for all of her problems, or it's intense shame that there is no constructive outlet for.

So how would you handle it if she told you she is a horrible person and that you deserve better and told you to move on?

[meerkat1]

It is a start.

We went to couples therapy a long time ago. Therapist did not diagnose BPD, not sure if he even knew what that was. However, he quickly realized that many issues we were having were due to her rages and depression. He had us start doing separate sessions so he could heavily focus on her issues. This resulted in my wife feeling blamed for all the marriage issues and was not long before she quit.

As typical pwBPD, she is still hurt by it and makes sure I know that every once in a while during a fit.

[itgirl]

Thank you all for your support.  Just an update:  Yesterday she thanked me many times during the day that she is so appreciative that I made an appointment for next Friday with the T. 

Fast forward to after dinner and she said:  "I don't think we should go see a couple T.  I think the right person to talk to is your mother."

"I'm afraid that I might storm out of the couple T session and get very angry"

I tried to validate her concern about storming out by saying I don't think the first T session will be the T giving to much advice and pointing fingers.  Let's go with an open mind and see if this T is for us.

I did manage to convince her that my mother (no past experience with any therapy) is NOT the right person.  I believe she thinks my mom will take her side regarding me that must cut off contact with a friend of 18 years.  yes this friend is an ex but that was 12 years ago.  We have only been friends for more than a decade.  I know this is where ALL her problems with our relationship lies.

I need help.  I need to know if this is sane and healthy to be cutting my friend out of my life to make her feel better.