What does jealousy say about me?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I recently had an experience with this girl, maybe the first one with "feelings" attached to it since breaking up with xuBPD 5 years ago.  It wasn't (or "isn't"?  not sure what to think of it right now) the ideal scenario.  She has some baggage, living with her ex-husband who she shares a kid with.  That really doesn't matter, for the sake of this post, it's what I felt that I'm trying to explore, and my feelings at different points remnided me of my xuBPDgf.

I worked with this girl, saw her 5 days a week.  We got flirty, but we could never actually date.  We eould talk about dating, but she was always too busy.  Despite all this, I ended up developing strong feelings for this girl, and I believe she for me, although how can I really know?  My gut tells me this, that's all I have to go on.

Anyway, there was one point when she got jealous of something I posted on Facebook.  It was really ridiculous, had no feeling or connection to anyone even remotely included in it, so I didn't understand the jealousy.  She started acting out at me, while we were working together, and suddenly I was reminded of my x, how she would get jealous over the dumbest things, like it was a game.  I just remember thinking "oh, no, why is this happening?".  It was a horrible feeling.

At any rate, time went on, and I think things got patched up.  Again, how do I really know what someone else thinks?  Are they playing a game?  Is it just their personality to act this way?  Things seemed to be going well, given the circumstances, then one day I got jealous over something I saw on Facebook, some guy blatantly hitting on her on her timeline.

This is where it gets to the point I'm trying to explore.  I tried so hard to protect myself from getting too attached, but I still did anyway.  The jealously hit hard.  I kept thinking, "She's not mine to get jealous about.  I don't own her.  She can see whomever she wants.  We haven't even started dating."  But the feeling was overwhelming.  I did not react very well, and told her how I felt.  It was very difficult for me to manage, because I work with her (I would have to see her, answer to her (she's my boss)), and she was very good to me (as my boss, treated me very well). 

So I wondered if it was because I was lonely?   I hadn't seen anyone for a long time.  Is it codependence?  She did fill a void for me, with the flirting and texts and calls.  Or the big daddy... .  am I narcissistic?

I'm kinda all over the place on this, but it really had me thinking.  That feeling I experienced was not good, and lasted for a while, days.  It was like I was heartbroken.  As I explored it internally, I tried to make it about myself, why I was reacting this way, and how to control it, not what she did, or didn't do.  She insists nothing was going on with the guy, she met him at an out of state music festival. 

I think, ultimately, when I get attached I get too attached, if that makes sense.  Maybe it's just not possible to protect our feelings when we meet someone we like, and they reciprocate an interest in return.  I don't know, I just didn't like the way it felt, and feel like I took a step backward. 

[David Dare]

I recently had an experience with this girl, maybe the first one with "feelings" attached to it since breaking up with xuBPD 5 years ago.  It wasn't (or "isn't"?  not sure what to think of it right now) the ideal scenario.  She has some baggage, living with her ex-husband who she shares a kid with.  That really doesn't matter, for the sake of this post, it's what I felt that I'm trying to explore, and my feelings at different points remnided me of my xuBPDgf.

I worked with this girl, saw her 5 days a week.  We got flirty, but we could never actually date.  We eould talk about dating, but she was always too busy.  Despite all this, I ended up developing strong feelings for this girl, and I believe she for me, although how can I really know?  My gut tells me this, that's all I have to go on.

Anyway, there was one point when she got jealous of something I posted on Facebook.  It was really ridiculous, had no feeling or connection to anyone even remotely included in it, so I didn't understand the jealousy.  She started acting out at me, while we were working together, and suddenly I was reminded of my x, how she would get jealous over the dumbest things, like it was a game.  I just remember thinking "oh, no, why is this happening?".  It was a horrible feeling.

At any rate, time went on, and I think things got patched up.  Again, how do I really know what someone else thinks?  Are they playing a game?  Is it just their personality to act this way?  Things seemed to be going well, given the circumstances, then one day I got jealous over something I saw on Facebook, some guy blatantly hitting on her on her timeline.

This is where it gets to the point I'm trying to explore.  I tried so hard to protect myself from getting too attached, but I still did anyway.  The jealously hit hard.  I kept thinking, "She's not mine to get jealous about.  I don't own her.  She can see whomever she wants.  We haven't even started dating."  But the feeling was overwhelming.  I did not react very well, and told her how I felt.  It was very difficult for me to manage, because I work with her (I would have to see her, answer to her (she's my boss)), and she was very good to me (as my boss, treated me very well). 

So I wondered if it was because I was lonely?   I hadn't seen anyone for a long time.  Is it codependence?  She did fill a void for me, with the flirting and texts and calls.  Or the big daddy... .  am I narcissistic?

I'm kinda all over the place on this, but it really had me thinking.  That feeling I experienced was not good, and lasted for a while, days.  It was like I was heartbroken.  As I explored it internally, I tried to make it about myself, why I was reacting this way, and how to control it, not what she did, or didn't do.  She insists nothing was going on with the guy, she met him at an out of state music festival. 

I think, ultimately, when I get attached I get too attached, if that makes sense.  Maybe it's just not possible to protect our feelings when we meet someone we like, and they reciprocate an interest in return.  I don't know, I just didn't like the way it felt, and feel like I took a step backward. 

[Turkish]

Jealousy has its roots in fear of loss. You lost your original BPDgf because she cheated. Do you think the feelings are related?

[fromheeltoheal]

I say jealousy comes out of insecurity; totally secure people never get jealous.  There are 'maneuvers' at the beginning of a relationship where both partners are feeling each other out (no, not that way), feeling their way, seeing if a deeper bond is or can be formed.  And depending on how secure in themselves each partner is, questioning themselves, wondering if they're 'good enough' for the other person.  And then when something, like a pesky Facebook post, intervenes in that, it can spark feelings that were there anyway.

I've come to the point of decisions about these things.  If you like this girl and want to take it further with her, take her out, sit her down , whatever, and express your feelings openly and honestly.  You may end up in the relationship of your dreams, or she may not reciprocate, or she might lead you on, play games, do whatever she does because she's uncomfortable or not ready for that kind of open-hearted honesty.  And the best way to tell is to be totally open with her and trust your gut feel to tell you what's going on with her; it's never wrong.  Of course the fact you work for her can make it messy, especially  when one of you is into a relationship and the other isn't, but hey, work is a common place for people to meet, whaddya gonna do?

I think, ultimately, when I get attached I get too attached, if that makes sense.

 

I do that too, and upon digging, have discovered that I have an anxious attachment style, and that's common for us.  That's OK, we make awesome lovers, we just need to be careful who we attach to, by taking it slowly and preserving boundaries best we can.  See if you fit an anxious attachment style.

Take care of you!

[David Dare]

Turkish: Yes, I do think it's related.  I found myself comparing my feelings to that of the past many times after she got jealous of me.  Then, when I got jealous, it was like x10.  Maybe it's about cheating, maybe that is the ultimate fear, but just the feelings in general felt familiar.  The pain, although it wasn't as bad as with uBPDx.  I think what it made me realize is that I was by no means the only guy on her mind, when I thought I was.  It then made me wonder how many guys she is "courting", or virtually courting.  The day after I confronted her about the Facebook post, we were at work together, feeling very uncomfortable.  She tried to break the ice by asking me a question about how my job offers went.  Problem is, I had no job offers.  She was referring to a conversatioon with another man, perhaps the Facebook guy.  Whoops!  Then later, when we were alone, she gives me this huge hug.  A week later, she practically kisses me at work (I dodged it), tells me she loves me, etc.  So I am left trying to decipher what I really mean to her.  It has had me wondering about BPD, but I don't want to go that deep with it.  But really, I shouldn't be worrying about any of that, I should just detach.  It is hard.

fromheeltoheal:  Thanks for your post, I needed to read that.  I don't think she's available for a relationship.  She in fact told me that early on.  But still, getting all flirty whisked my mind away, and I did get anxious.  I dunno, I can't wait forever.  For months we worked together, flirting, teasing.  I don't work there anymore, btw.  She didn't like me leaving.  Then a couple days ago she texted me that she is leaving the company.  wth?  Is it because I left?  Was that a factor?  It is so strange to me.