It's been a while...

[arky]

Hello, all! I posted a few months ago about going NC with my BPD mom. It has been nearly eight months with very little contact (all has been her contacting me), and while I have never felt better in some respects, it doesn't make the hurt go away.

I have been incredibly depressed lately. I miss my grandma, but my mother is her caretaker, and I cannot be around her because I need to avoid my mom at all costs. My relationship with my dad is better than it has ever been, as is my relationship with my sister, but I still have days where I question if going NC was the right choice.

I am often overcome with immense FOG, even after going NC. I had to block my mother's phone number on my phone because about every six weeks or so, she would send a text message trying to guilt trip me into doing something for her, never with an apologetic tone or anything of the sort. Since blocking her, I have been relieved, but again, I still feel so strange.

My mother controlled every aspect of my life for the past 25 years, from my childhood to my marriage, to my pregnancy, baby shower, and birth plan. I am so happy to let go of all of that and just become myself. It has taken a long time to get here, and the road has been bumpy, but I really, really WANT this, not only for my own sanity, but for my son's, as well. Not having her around to dictate every move I should make is really strange, but it is liberating. My emotions are mixed.

I just kinda needed a place to vent. I've been in a very low spot for the past few weeks and thought it was time to post here, so... .

[Harri]

Hi arky.    

Good for you for taking back your life and doing what is right for you and your son!  It is funny to think that taking charge of our own lives and living for us can cause such anguish and joy and a sense of freedom all at the same time.  It is confusing.  I also find it a bit startling that as an adult I am still trying to cut those emotional ties to my family.  Those ties to family are so strong.  I am glad your relationship with your dad and sister improved.  Do you get to spend much time with them?

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so down lately.  Venting and talking about it is good so I am glad you are here.  My mother, uBPD, passed away back in 2007 and I still struggle with feelings and doubts and guilt about the choices I made and how I handled things.  I know in my head that I did what was right at the time and in hindsight I still think I did the right thing.  It hurts though.  I mention that only to let you know that I may not understand everything about your situation, but I can certainly commiserate with you.

Stick around for a while.     This is a nice safe place to land for venting and taking care of yourself. 

[Kwamina]

Hi arky

Since blocking her, I have been relieved, but again, I still feel so strange.

My mother controlled every aspect of my life for the past 25 years, from my childhood to my marriage, to my pregnancy, baby shower, and birth plan. I am so happy to let go of all of that and just become myself. It has taken a long time to get here, and the road has been bumpy, but I really, really WANT this, not only for my own sanity, but for my son's, as well. Not having her around to dictate every move I should make is really strange, but it is liberating. My emotions are mixed.

I'm very pleased for you that your relationship with your father and sister has improved. Taking good care of yourself and putting yourself first is very important. However I do understand why you feel a bit strange now. Having lived for such a long time with a mother controlling every aspect of your life, that kind of life was basically all you know. Although it probably felt very uncomfortable and you clearly wanted it to stop, it was still all you knew and it can take some time to move on and get used to a healthier way of leading your life. I remember when I moved out of my mother's house I was very relieved and felt liberated too. I didn't fully realize it then but moving out was only the start of a very long process of healing myself and truly liberating my mind from her. Even when you are NC or are in the situation that Harri describes when your mother has passed, it can still be quite hard to break free from the hold our BPD parents and past with them have on us. This takes time and a lot of hard work but I do believe that you're on the right track by setting some important boundaries with your mother.

I am sorry though that being NC with your mother also means that you can't see your grandmother. Do you know if your grandmother is aware of your mother's BPD? How is the relationship between your mother and grandmother?

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Hi arky,

You say your emotions are mixed even though you know it is best to be NC for now.

Is it possible that you are in the period of mourning now?  For the mom you always wished you had... the mom that sometimes it may have seemed possible that it could really happen... you mourn not the person, but the idea... the hope and the wish that she would  magically become a normal mother.

When you are processing that you need to process it alone without interference. 

Sometime down the road,  you may reconsider the type of contact you feel comfortable with. On your terms.

just a thought .

[arky]

I am glad your relationship with your dad and sister improved.  Do you get to spend much time with them?

I actually get to see them quite often. We moved about seven hours away from any family, but since we moved (May), I've been able to see my sister at least every 3-4 weeks. We talk on the phone several times a week and text a lot, too. My dad works rotationally overseas and is only home every other month, so I've only seen him twice since we moved, but I talk and email him at least 2-3 times a week.

Seriously, my relationship with my dad was awful as a child, then nonexistent after my parents' divorce, and then rough after I moved out and was still in contact with my mother. Since I've gone NC, things have made a complete 180. My sister is also NC-- which is part of the reason I went NC, as well, and we have been really supportive of one another. I think that if we weren't supporting each other, one of us would've folded and broken the NC.

(I am sure you didn't read my intro, but the biggest catalyst in my going NC with my mom was back in January when she pulled a loaded handgun on my sister during an altercation. I had been debating going NC for about a year and that was just the last straw for me.)

[arky]

I am sorry though that being NC with your mother also means that you can't see your grandmother. Do you know if your grandmother is aware of your mother's BPD? How is the relationship between your mother and grandmother?

My therapist and I both suspect that my grandmother is also uBPD. They take turns controlling one another and have blow ups from time to time. They like to control different aspects, etc. Long, exasperating story. But the bottom line is, I've never felt threatened by my grandmother and she's never made me feel the way my mother has.

Part of me really wants to contact my grandmother and explain why things are the way they are, but I just don't want to contribute to the drama.

[arky]

Sometime down the road,  you may reconsider the type of contact you feel comfortable with. On your terms.

As much as I would love to do this, I feel that this recent stretch of NC is permanent, unless she gets serious mental help. She doesn't believe that there's anything wrong with her or anything she does (which I know is typical BPD behavior), so until that happens, I'm not doing anything. I have her blocked in every way she could possibly contact me, as well. I had tried working out different methods with my therapist, and my mother trampled every single boundary I tried to place. NC was the last resort, but it has been the only thing that's worked so far, and I feel better with it than I did when I was still dealing with my mom's horrible attitude and emotional abuse.

[Harri]

Hello again arky.  After reading your reply, I actually did go back and read some of your first posts.  Wow.  Sometimes the only viable option is to go no contact.  Clearly your mom is a physical threat as well, and that just ramps up the degree of insanity exponentially. 

As you know, no contact is for you so you can take time to heal and get yourself in a safer place emotionally and physically.  You have done that and I admire your strength and courage to take those necessary steps.  Feeling the way you do right now is natural, and I would even say it is healthy.  The relief of no contact will wax and wane I think.  I think grief follows the same path.  You have had a lot of very cool and happy things happen lately.  They are big life changing events and they are wonderful!  I am not sure if this applies to you, but I would still find myself wishing I could share those big things with my parents when they were alive (I was very limited contact with them at that point).  At the same time I knew I could NOT share things with the parents I actually had.  That right there was, and still is, something I grieve:  not having the parents I should have had if only... .  Their deaths have not made those feelings stop.  I remember feeling like I was missing a part of me when i first moved away from them and then started taking care of me.  That part has gone away, not completely yet, but I am working on it.   

I know of no way to make feelings stop except to simply feel whatever it is, acknowledge it, and simply wait for them to pass.  I try to acknowledge that the grief and FOG, anger, regrets, etc. are a natural and normal response to a life time of insanity.  What on earth do you do with all that?  For me, I know these feelings, the anger, regrets, hurts, what have you, will rise up within me every once in a while.  I do not enjoy the process, but I have come to accept it (okay, I have come to reluctantly accept it   ) 

Okay, I am just rambling aimlessly here so i am going to stop.  Keep posting and chatting.