Can anyone identify with how daughter reacts?

[Bfm]

I'm sure these aren't new issues - new to us.

Always been this way I suppose just as she's aged in years they've changed a bit or else more noticeable idk.She sees no gray- Black & White only.

Irritable,angry,agitated, mad at the world,never accountable,always someone else's fault.

Overly dramatic, can bump head and throws a fit.Fixates on something she wants,it could be a cola or a new shirt won't stop- tries to wear us down like a child throwing a tantrum.

She over reacts to everything...

If she calls us and we don't/can 't call right back it infuriates her she will call 40 more times.Gets agitated waiting for an appointment or a checkout line.

self care has taken a back seat, gets mad if reminded to do things.

I could go on & on.

If plans change and can't be helped it's the end of the world,Doesn't pick up after self,dishes,laundry, old tone, disrespectful and rude.

Yes, I am embarrast of her behavior in front of friends/ family / strangers even.

She has a younger sister who tries to be kind to her when she comes to visit however it's a lot to take on  as well for her.

since she divorced returned home two years ago with the clothes on her back from emotionally abusive spouse-various jobs never long term something always happens- friendships haven't lasted either. She would pester call them 40/50 times,

We pay car ins/ gas/cell, everything else. If she didn't have a laundry list of issues we could say get out! Our hands are tied- honestly it sucks.

We walk on eggshells daily.Her recent testing determined the Bpd/Anxiety/PTSD/Double depression  been on a merry go round of meds- new ones again as of last week. New therapist 

As of 5 wks. Thank god for free mental health clinic that supplies free meds pays for private therapist and her dr there is very nice. I don't know what else we would do.

Everything I've been reading about this sounds just like her.

I feel so bad she is going through this is it awful that I feel bad for us as well?

She can't drive out of our town so I drive her the hour there and back once a week for therapy to Dallas.

Our whole life revolves around her 24/7.What terrifies me is thinking is this the way it will be the rest of our lives? If the Dars program finds her a part time job can she keep it? She won't make enough to live on her own. There's no food stamps or govt. help or hosing so either she will remain with us or homeless or god forbid in another unhealthy relationship.

Are there success stories?

Happily after afters?

Or is this it?

I don't know anyone who can relate to these issues.I feel bad for venting but sometimes I just want to scream! I dread being around her at times, yes I know that sounds horrible for a mother to say.

Any insight would be much appreciated.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[murmom]

How old is your daughter?  Mine is 16 and is diagnosed with BPD.  I am still learning about BPD myself. 

The traits and behavior you mentioned sound very much like my daughter.  According to my daughter, people especially are either all good or all bad (black/white thinking).  She is very emotional, angry, blames others, etc. 

We walk on eggshells too and if we don't things really blow up.

You will get good support here.  Keep reading - I read for 6 months and recognized my own daughter in so many of the stories here.

Hugs

[TiredOfDrama]

Yep... .we are living a very similar life, although we just told BPD sd she can no longer live in our home. Everything she owns is in our garage and while she stays with a friend, she comes over every few days to pick some things up. Some stuff she picks up she pawns, so she can have some $.

The symptoms you describe can be taken right from the book I could write about SD and our lives. Everyone else is to blame- angry meltdowns- over reactions- impulsive behavior- people are either angels or the devil... .I could go on.

Can't give much insight... .at least not yet. We are very new to this world ourselves and we're trying to find our way.

Thank god for free mental health clinic that supplies free meds pays for private therapist and her dr there is very nice. I don't know what else we would do.

What is this all about... .something local where you live?

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Welcome bfm

I am not a parent of a BPD child,  but as a child of a BPD mom and sister of a BPD sister, I can say a couple of things.

My learning about BPD started 5 years ago. I am 61.

What I needed to understand were BOUNDARIES. We respect theirs, but they respect no ones. It's the disorder.

You sound like a very loving, caring parent.

The great news for you is that she has a diagnosis.  You can tie all of her demands to getting

The help she needs.

If she is a minor you can mandate it. If not u will need to delineate  clear boundaries without Any negotiaton. There is a good thread on another section - for coping it a sibling parent or in law with BPD entitled:

DO BPDS NEGOTIATE?

Hang in there.  Know that the boundaries you learn to make will bring some guilt, but she will have to learn this one reality ever now or later.

Best for her to learn it from one who loves her

[sparrowfarfrom home]

PS.

The best thing you can do for her is to locate a qualified DBT Therapist. It is the only therapy shown   to have results .

a lot of time will not be wasted on other therapies that don't help this disorder. .

[HealingSpirit]

Hello Bfm,

The answer to your question is YES! YES! YES!  I can definitely identify!  My DD is 17 and your post also describes a lot of my DD's behavior and attitudes too. How old is your BPD daughter?  I gather she is over 18, since she moved out, but that may not be the case.

I am so sorry you've been through the wringer with your DD, trying to help her to no avail.  BPD really does affect the entire family and everyone else the person suffering with it encounters. 

The good news is there are tools and lessons to the right of this board that can help you learn about BPD and learn ways to deal with your DD that will prevent things from getting worse.  I have found listening with empathy and responding with SET (sympathy, empathy, truth) to be particularly helpful in de-escalating my DD's rages.  I always get into trouble when I try to get my own point across, or to correct her erroneous thinking.  When I stop trying to "fix it" and just listen, she calms down and things are better.

It is exhausting though!  And coming HERE to vent and swap stories really helps.  I get the validation I need from the other parents on this site who know what it's like to love and raise a child with BPD.  So, I'm really glad you found us! 

Sparrowfarfromhome already told you about DBT therapy, which helps the person with BPD learn HOW to regulate their emotions, because that is one skill they lack that the rest of us take for granted. 

 Hang in there!  I'm glad you found us.

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Debbie Corso is (as the young people used to say LOL ) THE BOMB!

here is a link to a great video of how she turned ( with DBT) from a highly symptomatic BPD to a person now who does not fulfill enough criteria to fit the diagnosis. She is an amazingly comforting and real presence of hope and encouragement for sufferers of this disorder. She also had PTSD. Each person with the disorder is different and she did a lot of acting out. Not everyone with BPD acts out in the same ways.  Her website can explain more : HealingfromBPD.org

See how you like the video and maybe one day you can view it with your daughter and possibly share it with her Therapist if it should be appropriate.

www.youtu.be/APVs5Hixv98

[TiredOfDrama]

Interesting video sparrowfarfrom home. TFS... .not sure how this will come in handy    yet with SD, but knowing that recovery is attainable gives me hope.

[Rapt Reader]

We do have some success stories: Good News, Breakthroughs & TLCs

(TLCs are the "Tiny Little Changes" that add up to recovery and a better relationship with your child   ).

And, for an extensive Success Story, you can read about my adult (37) son who was diagnosed with BPD in March/April 2013 after a multi-year Heroin addiction and Suicidal Ideation landed him in the Psych Ward of our local hospital. Upon release, he was admitted to the 21-day Intensive In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Center that gave him the BPD diagnosis and helped save his life. When they released him, the discharge papers included the information about this website, and thus my education about BPD and why my son had the troubles he did, began. Today? He's been clean and sober for 18 months and is in recovery for all of his many diagnoses, including the BPD.

Yes, to everyone posting on this thread, there is hope, there can be recovery from this awful disorder, and life can get better. Please check out all of the links to the right-hand side of this page; that is the information that has saved our family, my son's recovery, and the sanity of all of us 

Here is my son's (and my) story: My Son's Recovery-In-Progress Story

And welcome, Bfm, TiredOfDrama and sparrowfarfrom home! We are so happy you have found us, and want you to know that there really is hope for all of us 

[Bfm]

That's great news!

I can't wait to read your story!

[Bfm]

Debbie Corso is (as the young people used to say LOL ) THE BOMB!

here is a link to a great video of how she turned ( with DBT) from a highly symptomatic BPD to a person now who does not fulfill enough criteria to fit the diagnosis. She is an amazingly comforting and real presence of hope and encouragement for sufferers of this disorder. She also had PTSD. Each person with the disorder is different and she did a lot of acting out. Not everyone with BPD acts out in the same ways.  Her website can explain more : HealingfromBPD.org

See how you like the video and maybe one day you can view it with your daughter and possibly share it with her Therapist if it should be appropriate.

www.youtu.be/APVs5Hixv98

I hope this is how you reply I don't see a reply tab, can't wait to watch this! Thank you so much for sharing!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bfm]

Hello Bfm,

The answer to your question is YES! YES! YES!  I can definitely identify!  My DD is 17 and your post also describes a lot of my DD's behavior and attitudes too. How old is your BPD daughter?  I gather she is over 18, since she moved out, but that may not be the case.

I am so sorry you've been through the wringer with your DD, trying to help her to no avail.  BPD really does affect the entire family and everyone else the person suffering with it encounters.  

The good news is there are tools and lessons to the right of this board that can help you learn about BPD and learn ways to deal with your DD that will prevent things from getting worse.  I have found listening with empathy and responding with SET (sympathy, empathy, truth) to be particularly helpful in de-escalating my DD's rages.  I always get into trouble when I try to get my own point across, or to correct her erroneous thinking.  When I stop trying to "fix it" and just listen, she calms down and things are better.

It is exhausting though!  And coming HERE to vent and swap stories really helps.  I get the validation I need from the other parents on this site who know what it's like to love and raise a child with BPD.  So, I'm really glad you found us!  

Sparrowfarfromhome already told you about DBT therapy, which helps the person with BPD learn HOW to regulate their emotions, because that is one skill they lack that the rest of us take for granted.  

 Hang in there!  I'm glad you found us.

I'm amazed that I suddenly don't feel alone. Yes our daughter divorced moved home with us no kids, after several therapist I think she's found a good fit- she treated personality disorders whereas the others did not- she does DBT CBT MBCT and a few other things I'm still learning about.I can't tell you how much this means to me having others than can relate.

Now if I can only learn the lingo & page

[Bfm]

Yep... .we are living a very similar life, although we just told BPD sd she can no longer live in our home. Everything she owns is in our garage and while she stays with a friend, she comes over every few days to pick some things up. Some stuff she picks up she pawns, so she can have some $.

The symptoms you describe can be taken right from the book I could write about SD and our lives. Everyone else is to blame- angry meltdowns- over reactions- impulsive behavior- people are either angels or the devil... .I could go on.

Can't give much insight... .at least not yet. We are very new to this world ourselves and we're trying to find our way.

Thank god for free mental health clinic that supplies free meds pays for private therapist and her dr there is very nice. I don't know what else we would do.

What is this all about... .something local where you live?

Yes, Adapt of Texas provides all the resources for free since she's without insurance.

Or I don't know how we could afford it-Sounds familiar all the acting out.We too are so new to all of this, finding this site I have hope in learning from others.

[SeaSprite]

 

I'll add a ditto, these are pretty familiar. Although my d16 is more the quiet type, rather than raging she either self-harms or engages in other self-destructive behavior behind our backs.

When it comes out, she cries or yells and accuses us of judging her all the time.

She is helpful when she feels like it, or she wants something from us, but otherwise "I don't want to" is enough reason not to do something, and no reward or punishment changes the outcome.

She's pregnant now and wants to keep the baby, I hope the baby cures her of her "I don't want to"-itis. Because a baby really doesn't care if mommy wants to or not.

It's exhausting not knowing which version of my kid I will have at any moment.

Btw,

There is a reply tab at the top and bottom of the thread if you just want to add a comment to the thread without a quote. 

[Bfm]

I feel ya!

Our daughter has a hist of self harming as well.

If she wants/needs something tends to be a little nicer for the moment

Although it's short lived.Maybe hormone levels will subside the hostility and

With the baby arriving I hope things do get better:)

I hope she does better with the baby around:)

I get so mentally exhausted it's such a battle daily.

Mine yells screams too,over nothing...

Just chaotic...

She fixates on her own pitty party-

Woulda coulda shoulda's all the time...

So negative.:/ I keep chasing the dream that

She will get involved in her DBT CBT therapy

And OWN it...

Put in the work needed.

Honestly, I don't know if she's even capable.

[js friend]

yep... .i can relate to everything you have written about your dd's behaviour bfm

When dd19 BPD waif is  around... .generally it is when new people are around her... .new college... .new friends etc... .she projects that she is upbeat and cheery... .but how all her life everyone has let her down, how hard her life has been with no support,she is ground down, She is helpless, lonely, tearful, easily frustrated, needs rescuing making many calls one after another,.has the odd moment of clarity... ..

when  BPD witch takes over... .which we(her family) see the most of,... .we have the temper tantrums, irresponsiblity,ignored phone calls/texts, she is demanding,disrespectful,selfish, controlling,Overlysensitive, jealous, a perfectionist, abusive, aggressive, sarcastic... ., etc

... .and she can go from one to the other in just one conversation... .

I hope and pray that one day my dd will realise that the whole world is not against her and that she really needs help, but she has never stuck at anything. She had one job for 3 wks when she was 16 and they had to let her go... .yet according to her because they never liked her. NO it wasnt that they didnt like her! it was because she tried to change the job once she got there only doing certain parts of the job.!... .She talks about having a career but has never really made the effort... .and looks down on those of us who work.She wants a job at the top without workin her way up!She is 19yo with 2 children with no real future.She needs to do something about getting putting the work in for therapy but i dodnt see it happening anytime soon.

if not for herself at least for her kids, but she is so wrapped up in herself the kids are only a secondary thought... .I would love to know how pwBPD reach the mindset to seek help. At the moment my dd seems to have 2 battles going on in mind... .if not more... .

BPD witch loses her cool too easily, and the waif doesnt want to help herself... .:'(

[Bfm]

The more I read and share with others I realize how closely

Mirrored our stories are.

I know they have all these issues and I truly feel so bad

For how they feel.

I can't imagine what goes on in their minds.

I've accepted the fact she will probably live with us for the rest of our lives, if she can get/keep a job it will be a minimum wage position and that's better than nothing to me,ya gotta start somewhere.and it would keep her from being isolated socially.as well as help with social skills-just last night my daughter sat here for 2 hours straight ranting about her situation why it had to be like this and blah blah blah as a parent , I try to not engage in her rants I try to rationalize the Why's. she sees it all unfair to her.

I said yes, it's unfair.

Yes,I too wish it wasn't this way.

No things didn't go according to plan.

All we can do is adapt and function the best we can .

We must educate ourselves on this BPD and move on from here.

Dwelling in the past won't change it. That of course set her off.

It's like I never know what to say- either she thinks I'm condescending or flat don't care.

Neither us true- I just apparently can't say anything right. It drives me crazy...

Trust me , I lose my cool too. It's so dang hard to remain calm when your talking to a wall.

Just like yours, mine takes it out on us.

She can be upbeat at times, they are few and far between lately.

She has no friends at all right now.

They get tired of her behavior and move on.

With no job, no place to meet them.

So she mainly does things with family, occasionally a cousin, aunt or her dad sand I.

We are exhausted by her - I know that sounds bad. But it's true.

Therapy today, an hour drive there & an hour back- 

Her alotted hour in the chair. I hope she will see she must do the hard work to help her self.

Best of luck to you as well- keep us posted.