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Author Topic: Good News, Breakthroughs & TLCs  (Read 41741 times)
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« on: October 04, 2013, 10:42:39 AM »

Sometimes I would like to post some good news, a breakthrough or even a TLC ("tiny little change": according to Valerie Porr in Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder, we need to be aware of the very small positive changes in our BPD loved one in order to move along in a better frame of mind toward a better life).

The TLCs have made such a difference in how I look at and handle things with my adult (36) son who was just diagnosed with BPD 6 months ago, making the "two steps forward, one step back" of his recovery process easier to bear and appreciate. Acknowledging his TLCs, breakthroughs and any sort of good news relating to his recovery process keeps me positive, hopeful and refreshed.

So, I had an idea... .How about starting a thread like this one, where anyone can come in and post their Good News, Breakthroughs & TLCs, just for the pure joy of it? For others to read and gain inspiration? For all of us on Parenting to share the knowledge that sometimes we can rejoice, and we can all know that the little things can add up to a happier life? In an otherwise difficult and painful situation, there is hope?

Does anyone have any Good News, Breakthroughs or TLCs to share? Have you used the communication tools and found them to help? Has something you've learned here made a difference? I'd love to hear about it and share your joy... .Sometimes life is great! And it's great to be able to share each others' joy  

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« Reply #1 on: October 04, 2013, 12:10:42 PM »

Well my dd19 has gone back to college part-time, and is even considering doing some volunteer work.

This is the 3rd time she has tried college,so quietly I have had my reservations whether she would stick at it, but so far she has.She is focused and driven and says she has no intention to going back to do nothing.

Chasing after exbf or boys doesn't seem to be her main focus anymore, so she seems to have less meltdowns and room in her head for more positive things. She is a great mommy to gd. So attentive and loving towards her.It makes me feel proud to see how close they are, and I love watching how they play together. She comes and stays here with gd or I will go over to stay with them which I always enjoy. If she is having a bad day she will call me to tell me and tell me. Just speaking to me seems to calm her. Even if we have some disagreements she seems get over it quicker and bounce back more easily.

We speak everyday on the phone and she will often tell me how her day went, what funny thing gd has done or is doing, or if im not around she will little messages wishing me a good day or a little message from gd which is so thoughtful of her.

I really never ever thought things would turn themselves around after many hellish years and I certainly dont take anything for granted... .but We definitely have less bad days now... .

I think what has worked for our r/s from my point of view is learning how to use validation and SET. Once I put them in practice communication with dd became easier.I also think this has allowed dd to trust me too, and know that Iam always looking out for best interests, and sometimes this involves being told things she doesnt want to hear... I think she gets it now. Radical Acceptance also allowed me to accept dd the way dd is. Iam not constantly trying to change her now. I have learnt ways to support her instead.

I also think she  finally realizes that iam not going anywhere and I will always be here for her and gd. Maybe it comes from knowing what a mothers love is now she has gd IDk... .but yeah my dd is doing really well these days. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2013, 07:18:26 PM »

Love this thread!

I have had a few ups and downs the past weeks but really feel like the validation skills are helping a lot.

As many of you know I have been trying to encourage by BPDS26 to move out of our house.  he has an income but he refuses to go bec he feels that we "kicked him out" when he was 14 and has issues with being "thrown out" of the house (never actually happened when he was younger but that is his perception)

anyway, he finally moved out this week (woo hoo) and rented a small apartment in our neighborhood.  

The day after he moved out, I cleaned up his room which is a renovated portion of our attic which has been an absolute disaster area for years.  he came home a few days later to get something from his room and was very disturbed that I had cleaned up and ruined his system of organization

here is the good part.  he didn't blow up but held himself back and expressed his frustration without losing control.  then he left.

the next day he came back and was visibly angry  and said "I cant believe you did this"

in the past I would have gotten defensive and told him why I had a right to clean the room.  instead I said, I understand that your privacy was invaded when I cleaned up the room.  He said, it feels like you kicked me out just like you did when I was 14.  I said that s not what I had in mind I just wanted the room to be clean. he seemed to accept that answer

none of this would have been possible in the past it would have turned into a big mess.  I definitely feel like we take 2 steps forward and 1 step back but the overall direction is progress

thanks to bpdfamily for teaching me how to talk to him
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« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2013, 07:05:43 AM »

The Will's Way Fund, named after my beloved son, is now established at Pine River Institute, a Residential Treatment Facility in Ontario for troubled teens.  

Pine River has an 80% success rate, measured in broad terms: good relationships with family and peers, an occupation at school or work, non-problematic substance use or non-use, HOPE FOR THE FUTURE being the most important.  Pine River positions itself as 'a place called hope'.

That is the good news!  

Please know that I am not soliciting funds for this initiative.  

To give some background, I did not know about Pine River when I was looking for help for Will for the last 9 years.  I had read one short article about it, about a year before our son died; however, I was quite exhausted and probably too traumatized to phone for information about their approach, as my son was too old for the program at that point.  My husband had been working overseas for three years and I was alone trying to find help for my son.  I mention these details to put this tragedy in the correct context.  I was very isolated without my husband.  I was the scapegoat in my family of origin, which also played a part.  Many people knew how sick my son was.  I regret to say it; however, there weren't no Good Samaritan.

 

Onwards... .

Phoenix Rising!

Out of the ashes... .

Reality

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« Reply #4 on: October 07, 2013, 10:38:11 PM »

What a great thread!  

I have to say my tlc's are my dd having another job after being unemployed since February.  

Her job has done wonders for her self esteem.  Also, she was awarded take home privileges at the methadone clinic, and that means no more early weekends and driving her everyday to the clinic.  I was not thrilled that she went back to the methadone clinic, but, she is not buying drugs off the street and looking for money to buy her next fix.  

I accept that my dd is who she is, and I can not change her.   I have dusted off some of my validation books, and using the tools that I lost for awhile.   I accept that my dd will probably never find the treatment that I want her to get.  I guess it is the serenity prayer here.  Accepting what I can not change, and praying for help to change the things that I can.
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« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2013, 11:04:09 AM »

Yesterday DD and I both went to therapy.  

We both see individual Therapists at DBT at the same time.  We both came out with puffy red eyes.  When we got in the car I sad in a joking way, "Gee looks like we both had an interesting session".  She decided to share with me that she felt like she had a bit of a break through (for those of you who don't remember we are dealing with her eating disorder which is not eating all day and binging in the middle of the night).  She told me with tears running down her face that she thinks her binging may in fact be a way of dealing with the emptiness she feels inside. The constant feeling of loneliness.  Feeling like there is no one in the world that she can really ever count on.  She said, "Mom, I don't want to tell you this because it might put more pressure on you, but I told T that the only person in the world that I can count on is my mom."  I was happy on one hand that she feels this way about me and so sad for her that this is how she feels.  

She asked me why I was crying when I came out and I told her the truth, that I was talking very  much about the same thing.  That I too feel very lonely, gently pointing out that her dad was really not someone that I could count on.  She said she knows this.  I didn't go into much detail but told her that most people do their best and that it is important to find something in herself that fills her up... .not food, not drink (although she doesnt partake in alcohol or drugs), but finding something in life that makes her feel good.  It was a good conversation, one that we will need to work on.

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« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2013, 06:35:56 PM »

Well, my son is having a breakthrough: He's writing and drawing again, and actually is working on a graphic novel!

My son has been diagnosed with ADD, Depression, Anxiety and now finally BPD. He is low functioning, and since getting this new diagnosis and being treated, things have been moving right along. But, one thing that has been a "sticking point" for him was the fact that he "forgot" who he really is. His whole life (from age 2 on, no kidding) he's been an artist. Writing, drawing, composing lyrics and music. But, after suicidal ideations and substance addictions, and finally completing a 21-day intensive Dual Diagnosis Program where he learned the reasons for his troubles, he's been getting healthier and stronger every day... .except for his art. He wouldn't work on it. He told me "I'm not an artist anymore... ." I knew that if he could find the artist in himself again, he would be on the road to finding himself again. And be able to soar.

He is working on a graphic novel... .like a comic book story but a serious subject. I think it's his own story of what his life has been like, but he doesn't want me to see it till it's done. He's doing it on his laptop--writing the text in a window on one side of the screen, and drawing the graphics with a paint program on the other side of the screen and then dragging the pictures to where they go with the text.

I don't know how he does it, but we just got him the laptop a month ago (he never even had one before!), and he taught himself how to do it soon after. He's on fire creatively right now, and just 5 weeks ago he was afraid he wasn't an artist anymore since he's been clean and sober for 7 months now; he'd thought the drugs "made" him creative though I knew that wasn't true (he was always an artist, from like 2 years old on, and he didn't start abusing drugs till he was like 15 or 16). The reason this is a breakthrough? He's really amazed that the artist was HIM and not the drugs making him an artist... .He's finding himself again, and that can only be a good thing!
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« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2013, 12:51:40 AM »

My dd is doing good  started a new school this year and has pretty good grades. She got her drivers license too and if you had asked me a year ago Isolde not have thought this possible. She flew to see her sister this weekend by herself.

Going to spend time with and visit her college and see the football game. This probably doesn't seem like much but my dd went through such a time I really didn't know if she would make it. She has not tried to over dose since March and no cutting. She has a ways to go still and there are bad days but I am more and more hopeful for the future.

I do like reading all the small and sometime big steps   It really does give me hope and helps keep me positive. I have not posted much lately and I have not visited as much as I use too but I really love hearing everyone's news.

Thanks again for sharing.
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« Reply #8 on: October 24, 2013, 03:44:11 PM »

It seems so much like tempting fate to post on this thread!  But here goes my story of some TLCs:  

Our pwBPD is our exdil, the mother of our gd5.  Our ds is intellectually limited, and works at a minimum wage job, and loves that child with all his might.  :)h and I send my social security check to ds each month, and he promptly turns it over to exdil, as she seems unable to work, and we worry so about gd5.  We have gone through the gamut of emotions over this "enmeshment" or "enabling" or "codependency", whichever it is, and have decided it is necessary for our own sanity--to know that they all are fed and housed.  And we have kept communication open with exdil, thanks to many of the lessons here.  

I have no illusions that our access to gd5, through Skype, email, and visits twice yearly is due to the financial help...   But it is working, and I guess I should rejoice, just a little, in that fact.  In many ways, our exdil is like an adopted child, and our son is of course very dear to us---the pity is that these two flawed souls (aren't we all?) can't make it together.  But I have found great peace from following the threads here, reading the lessons, attending AlAnon, and realizing that everyone, everyone, EVERYONE has a story.  

What I would say has  been the big change, is in me.  Some sort of acceptance, both of our son's limitations, our exdil's illness, and the hope that this bright little will be able to overcome the strikes against her.   Every day brings its worries, to be sure, and every time the phone rings, my stomach still churns, but dh and I can handle it.  For that, and for all your help here, I am most grateful.      Swampped
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« Reply #9 on: November 01, 2013, 08:30:34 AM »

Miracles are all around us, we only need look at people and situations through the eyes of love and compassion.

My dd16 came to the city with me yesterday afternoon so that she could see her dad (she hadn't seen in almost 2 weeks as he stayed in the city to be near doctors and had been admitted to the hospital once more).

My stepson went to pick my husband up and we waited and waited and waited.  It was a difficult wait for my dd16 because she 1. wanted to see her dad 2. wanted to get back home for Halloween festivities with her friends (Halloween is her favorite holiday).  Time was slipping away.

When finally he arrived she laid down next to him in his bed and with his arm around her they talked and remembered together all the Halloweens of the past.  She and stepson didn't leave until 7:30 and wouldn't get back home until after 9 o'clock.  No time for festivities with friends.  Just home and to bed.

I didn't have to remind her of the value of the time she had with her dad, she didn't beg or plead for stepson to take her to see boyfriend or friends or join in festivities.  She made a wisemind choice and was satisfied that it was the best choice under the circumstances.
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« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2013, 07:38:32 AM »

My BPD16 has been doing better and better.  Still has days of anger and frustration, and as a teenager there are always issues.  But the damage done by my BPDex with the endless criticism and anger is being undone by his absence.  He is now with his "exit affair" and we have honored our d's decision to not meet her or see her.  Basically, just keeping consistant routine, consistant discipline, and overall acceptance of her "quirks" has greatly increased her self esteem and decreased her acting out.  We are going to look at colleges this week, 4 months after she was hospitalized for a suicide attempt.  Good things can happen.  I can't promise forever, but they can. 
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« Reply #11 on: November 12, 2013, 03:48:26 PM »

Stumbling onto this thread today - so good for my soul. Supports me in enjoying the quietness in my life today.

DD27 is staying in a monthly rate motel and doing her dual-dx probation program. Practicing acceptance here; she has invited an old bf to stay with her - says they are helping each other stay clean and sober; she is making her way to daily checkin and even took her dog yesterday on the bus with service dog registration ID and this worked out OK; she has missed most of her probation and T appointments that are scheduled at 1pm and they seem to be persevering with her and continuing to 'hook her in'. DD invited me to share information about her dx and evalualtions with them, which the T seemed to sincerely appreciate. DD has been so appreciative for our support with her suite, and will keep praying for some kind of housing assitance to appear before the 6 months we can do this run out.

Gd8 has blossomed socially with DD living away from our home, and the anxious doggie is with DD as well. She is making new friends at school, and sharing stories of her day with us. Some increased issues with her energy level and impacts on attention, impulsiveness and distraction. Will talk to her pdoc again about this. Feels like 2 steps forward and 1 step back. She brings such joy into my life when I take the time to be present with her.

Me too! I am gaining so much from work with my new T. I have never worked with a faith-based T before and it adds a much deeper dimension. Working to re-write many things in my own story to integrate them into being better able to love who I am, and then pass that onto my family. I am so ready to stop being so grumpy! Tired! Sad!  Shari Manning's idea of giving myself a "half-smile" as needed -- it works,

bus here. gotta go

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« Reply #12 on: November 12, 2013, 03:55:12 PM »

Thanks everyone for all your positive posts.

I too have some good news to share - and believe what lbjnltx said "miracles are there when we have the eyes to see them."

My dd36 who has had no contact with me and said I was dead to her and her sons finally contacted me around the middle of October.  She emailed me, called me, and then emailed some more.  She was saying she is letting go of her anger and finding closure on her past.  I was hopeful that she was committed to that and had a mindful approach to our contacts.  

For my grandson's birthday I sent a package with a bday gift and Halloween treats and asked to call and wish him a happy birthday... .I asked his father.  My dd contacted me and said, go ahead and call him - she doesn't care, be in their lives... .whatever.  It had undertones of sarcasm and anger but I thanked her and told her I was thinking of her and my grandson and remembering that his life is a miracle (he was born at 25 weeks gestation and 17 weeks in a NICU, touch and go many times).

Now my other grandson's birthday was today and I sent a package to his dad's house. This time I emailed her and asked if I could call and wish him happy bday at a time that he's with her.  She emailed me in a totally different tone saying when I could call and she would make sure the phone is on.  She then followed up with a couple more emails about an old friend of hers who's husband had a farm accident... .she was very positive and it was refreshing!  

I'm so hoping we can continue to communicate at a different level and I can continue to be validating to her as she works on improving her life situation.

Thanks everyone!  This is a great thread.    
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« Reply #13 on: November 21, 2013, 08:00:34 AM »

DD went to counseling/therapy session for first time last nite and group for first time the nite before. Smiling (click to insert in post)  One day/hour/minute at a time.  Peace to us all.
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« Reply #14 on: November 23, 2013, 11:24:41 AM »

I just wanted to share that I was dreading seeing dd today as last weekend she was raging and throwing things, painted my dss black because he was 'talking too much' and was extremely hard to regulate all though we got there in the end and she made peace with dss.

Today however I had the most lovely time with her, she was well mannered, laughed easily and said some things which demonstrated extraordinary self-knowledge and progress (this without therapy yet) such as 'I am my own worst enemy, I drive people away with my bad behaviour and when they react, I just remember them as a bad person who did wrong to me!'

On the flip side my dss is still painted black but she seemed less angry than normal and said she would be ok with him at  Christmas (but that's that).

She also forgot her wise words about driving everyone away and told me some stories of ill-treatment and named about 5 different people who were perpetrators of such injustice towards her BUT... .

On the whole we had a lovely day and I felt we were close and connected.

Im obviously apprehensive, as she once told me (after a crisis) that she couldn't bear to be close to anyone and, as she loved me it made her rage to protect herself from the closeness.  This was in another amazing insight of her own behaviour.

Anyway, no matter, the fact remains I had a totally happy and relaxed time with dd today without the cloud of anger crossing her face at all and I feel blessed!

 
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« Reply #15 on: December 04, 2013, 08:34:22 PM »

Things are still going along well here, by baby steps. But, my son is now going on 10 months clean and sober (yaaaaay!), and his Neurofeedback Therapy sessions are slowly being scaled down (from 3 hours, twice per week) to 1.5 hours on Wednesdays, and 2.5 hours on Saturdays. He seems to be continuing his progress at the same pace, so this is really great, as it saves us money and we can all see some light at the end of the tunnel to recovery. The scaling down hasn't stunted his recovery at all, so it feels good to know that the end is in sight.

He still sees his Outpatient Therapist every Monday, but she's helping him a lot. They are working on his going out (eventually) into the cold, cruel world without socializing with or needing his old "drug friends" and being strong enough to live a completely different life--like he has been for the last 10 months--while not in the safety of our home. His NFT is working with him on the same thing. As is his Psychiatrist, who he sees once per month still. Slowly but surely he will make his way out in the world, in a healthy manner... .

He's still writing and drawing on his new laptop, and working diligently on his graphic novel. He doesn't know it, but I just ordered him a tablet to attach to his laptop, bundled with art programs that will help him even more with his drawings that he will be able to eventually animate (a dream come true for him!). Everything he's done so far on just the laptop's Paint program will be able to be brought into this new program and he will be psyched! Can you tell that I am, too?  

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« Reply #16 on: December 05, 2013, 08:15:16 PM »

OK time for me to share my happy news and TLC.  DD is officially in mainstream school.  She had her first day today.  She said it was boring but better than the partial program  

So, we are on our way.  We also made it over the 1 month mark since her last major crisis and since she typically falls apart once a month we've really got our fingers crossed that she continues to do well.  She also knows that I am committed as much as I can be to not hospitalizing her again.  I think she's responding positively.
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« Reply #17 on: December 11, 2013, 06:51:14 PM »

Things are still going carefully smoothly with my son. Something cool that is related to his sobriety (he's in his 10th month!): His best "drug friend" got out of Rehab after a 20-day program, a few weeks ago. My son heard of his friend's return to our town through the grapevine (my son hasn't spoken to him since his own Dual Diagnosis Program stay in March/April of 2013). He told me that he'd like to call his friend, but wouldn't until he heard--again through the grapevine (a non-drug friend)--that the "drug friend" not only completed the whole Rehab program, but that he also "has a plan to stay sober."

That was monumental to me (but, officially a TLC for our purposes here   ) because in the past, after my son had completed his own prior Rehabs (the DD Program was his 3rd in 4 years!), or after his drug friend had completed one of his own (a few over the last few years), they'd always started hanging out together again. And one thing would always lead to another and they'd both end up using again.

Well, my son has still not called this friend. And isn't complaining about it. And is still clean and sober and working on his many issues. And working on his graphic novel. So far, so good... .
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« Reply #18 on: December 19, 2013, 03:20:01 PM »

Well I have a little good news. I made it thru my 2 grandkids Christmas concerts with my daughter today. The morning one was a little nerve wracking seeing her for the first time in a while after she stopped talking to me again. I actually was surprised she was very pleasant to me.

She actually offered to stay and wait at my youngest grandchild's daycare  until I got there if I ran late and missed his concert so I could see him. I realize she didn't have to offer but she did. Especially since things have been so unbelievably tense between us. I actually expected to be shunned.

I am taking that as a positive note. I sometimes want to reach out and kiss her I think she looked like she wanted to do it also I think we are both pretty afraid. This last assault on me was probably the worst of our whole lives together. It caused a lot of hurt with her and her Step Father. I think and feel sometimes she is afraid to reach out again. I always came right back to her after the blow outs this time I didn't.

I think me backing up and giving her all this space may actually be helping! I am taking this day as a positive one
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« Reply #19 on: December 19, 2013, 04:31:58 PM »

Breakthrough - DD on her way to Addiction Recovery Center until Monday. She fell through the rabbit hole - most likely meth. I have not heard from her since Sunday except and "OK" yesterday out of nowhere. I was concerned, called PO who was going to call me. The amazing thing is DD went to her probation program office when I texted her to go -- to have courage and go. And she did.

Now to pray for the TLC's if she can keep her heart open.

qcr
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« Reply #20 on: December 22, 2013, 04:25:21 AM »

Hello Everyone!      

I Just wanted to report my not-so-tiny celebration!

Last time I posted I was feeling desperate as dd was suffering drug-induced psychosis, due to her staying a couple of nights with a random boy she'd met on fb who had given her a cocktail of drugs and also, due to being there, she had missed her regular high dose of seraquel, which she badly needs to function.  I felt my world crash down and thought it was all happening over again, In my imagination visualised us losing our business due to her need for care and then our home would be repossessed and I was terrified for us all.

However, after drug testing her urine, the doctor sedated her for a week with olanzapine and within a few days that and her regular meds kicked in, the drugs left her system and we are right back where we were before, which was not too bad a place considering.

Dd has told me it has taught her not to look for thrills with strangers as it is dangerous and also that her family are the ones that really care and are always there for her.  Whether she can remember these lessons for long term is another matter but considering the nightmare place we were in a couple of weeks ago, to say I am happy and relieved is an understatement.

Also, when I saw her yesterday, she asked me how I was, I mean really wanted to know if I was coping with everything! That IS progress!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Merry Christmas Everyone!      



   

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« Reply #21 on: December 22, 2013, 02:03:06 PM »

Hi, I thought I would post this! Grandkids came we are done opening our presents. My daughter and Son In Law dropped them off. The last 2x she got out of the car to talk to me. Great since 3months or so ago she told me never to contact her again.

Today she seemed really happy and was speaking so nice. My Son In Law usually is the one who carries all the kids stuff inside she hasn't been in my home in three years as they started to walk inside the garage my daughter started to turn towards the car not to come in. I saw the look in her eyes like she wanted to come in but was afraid.

I reached out and said please come in to. She looked very happy and said yes. She told me how everything looked so beautiful we hung out for a bit. Hubby who is very angry wouldn't come up from the basement I told them he was fixing the TV. I decided I was not going to force the issue he is very angry also. About 5min. later he decided to come up. Little uncomfortable but he did it on his own

It is a little start hopefully we could finally start to heal and understand all of this.

I feel blessed right now
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« Reply #22 on: January 09, 2014, 06:52:59 PM »

Love hearing the good news and progress! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

peaceplease
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« Reply #23 on: January 09, 2014, 07:33:26 PM »

My good news is that our son, who we took in from the streets about a year and a half ago, was diagnosed today.  He is in a special-needs private high school, but I'm not sure they can meet his needs (despite an annual tuition of over $50,000).  And they act like we are awful parents for not being able to micromanage our son, who is 18.  They went so far as to tell us that he should not be left unsupervised.  On the BPD spectrum, he's not reached that level yet, they just don't want him getting high, his use is low.

My other good news is that his psych team now seems to get it, him and us.  And we have a superb facility that allows us to communicate even though he's an adult (18).  The best news, though, is that his team has great hope for him, he is able to be empathetic and extremely kind (always offers to help carry strollers up stairs, helps the elderly if they trip, etc.).  The rage is increasing, though.  His school is less academic, but a greater challenge in other ways, and his usual passive-aggressive techniques combined with innate charm no longer work.  Which is good.  I just don't appreciate being treated like a parent who doesn't have a clue when I have been living with this kid and working endlessly to get him the help he needs.
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« Reply #24 on: January 10, 2014, 12:24:25 PM »

I sought out this group in October after my dd20 walked out on a job at a local coffee house/restaurant that she had loved for almost a full year. She had gone off her meds & was spinning out of control.

I used what I learned here to keep a dialog going with her. I never got as worked up as I used to. I used to think I was going to die from the stress.

She started a new job this week that is the same type of work she did before (barista). It's less than a mile from our home, and she has got three days in, & says she really likes it. I just saw she posted on FB today how happy she is to have found a job where she doesn't get an anxiety attack before she walks into the place. This is really good news!
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« Reply #25 on: January 21, 2014, 05:00:11 AM »

Still having some progress with daughter. Took they advice continued to give her space since the holidays. Well she is back answering the phone when I call. Kids talking again and sounding happy Grandma is calling my daughter sounds extremely upbeat and happy and eager to have the chats on the phone seems very willing to be what I would call going out of her way to offer to help bring the kids to my house instead of me always running to her.

I started counseling with a counselor who does DBT but what I also realized I played a major role also very much so and probably has always been very CoDependent. Working on me now and not worrying about everyone and everything no longer trying to fix everyone else. Setting major boundaries. I feel good for the first time I am taking care of me. Boy oh Boy and I have been seeing a lot of changes from the people around me. I feels great to stand up and finally be heard and taken seriously. I didn't handle things in a very healthy way although I knew or thought I knew what healthy was. Reading CoDependent no more I what I saw scared me that book is screaming Me Me Me all over the place

Its a new day!
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« Reply #26 on: January 24, 2014, 10:17:49 AM »

I have some good news to share about my dd16. On the weekend we had two issues that in the past would have sent my dd into a tail spin.

On Saturday night my dd was backing out of our driveway and accidentally hit a retaining wall and did a lot of damage to her new car she got for Christmas. She was very upset and it looked pretty bad. We hugged her and assure her it was ok... . accidents happen.etc... . She went out to a friends but returned early because she was still upset. The next day my handy husband fix it up best he could with some paint and she got over it.

Monday my dd asked me to help her dye her hair back to blonde... . I foolishly said yes... . skip to 12 hours later and a lot of technical difficulties her hair was not looking to great. We decided to sleep on it and come up with a plan in the morning. In the morning I offered to try again but after a long discussion she decide to go to school and I would make an appointment at a salon for after school. For my dd to go to school with less than prefect hair is a small miracle.

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« Reply #27 on: February 22, 2014, 06:50:39 AM »

I must let you all know my my 16DD is still going strong even throughout some of the most unfair and unacceptable circumstances not of her own doing, but the professionals that were supposed to be helping HER.

I am still not going let my guard down just yet, and the example is my 14d's change of behavior and attitude/demeanor came out of nowhere and fierce.  

My 16DD will be completing a GED program as well as work part time which was her #1 preference in order to reep the positive consequences that hard work provides with a paycheck that is 100% yours.

Her outlook is positive and bright.  She is considering opportunities that exceed her present goals and if she continues on this path she will absolutely meet those goals and even surpass what I thought was never going to be in the cards for her.

I see a future for her now where as before I was talking to professionals about preparing myself for her to succeed in leaving this life.  It was a year of relentless commitment and incredible breakthroughs for her as well as me.  

Now I can turn my attention to another child of mine that is in need of corralling as I call the process of modifying unreasonable and unhealthy behavior.

Googie.

Have a beautiful day
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« Reply #28 on: February 22, 2014, 06:34:52 PM »

So after six weeks of limited contact with my uBPDss18, my husband and I had a coffee chat with him yesterday and it actually went well.  

We were playing 'text tag' for a while but because we cancelled his phone at the end of January, his new phone settings weren't compatible with his and our texts weren't getting through either way.  Although we were deeply hurt and confused by his behavior after Christmas, we decided that this first meeting would be kept light and have as much validation as we could muster.

He's staying with bioMom (possible BPD) and they're not getting along well at all with both of them raging and playing the victim.  He's on job #3 and girlfriend #2 since Christmas and has decided that 'do it yourself' tattoos are a good thing.  No interest in explaining his behavior, getting back into school, getting a learners driver license, or getting a place of his own yet. No problem - we're just happy to have him out of our house and no longer a drain on our finances and energy.  How he lives his life is now up to him and his unending dramas just don't affect us they way they used to since we've 'detached with love'.  I think we're actually emerging from the FOG, amazingly enough!

Still no contact with bioMom - as long as she gets her child support check for the younger daughter who was manipulated into moving from our house to hers with various BPD stories, she leaves us alone.  Although I do find it interesting that both kids are working part-time and paying her rent as well as the cost of their prescription medicines.

So, hubby and I are slowing adjusting to an empty nest, establishing a social life with friends and family, re-connecting with each other, and learning not to 'stick our hands in the crazy', as my wise mom used to say.

There's hope after all!
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« Reply #29 on: March 04, 2014, 07:22:19 PM »

On March 1st, my son reached his one year anniversary of being clean and sober (from opiates--his major past problem--and everything else, including alcohol).

He is now 37, and every year since turning 20, his birthday has been a trigger for suicidal ideation. But not this year... .

Also, my husband and I have just returned from a 3 week vacation, a 2-day drive away from home. A yearly vacation that regularly saw some trauma occur for my son (who stays home), culminating in his spectacular flame-out last year that ended up with him getting arrested for possession, being hospitalized for suicidal ideation the day after being released from the custody (he was never jailed or convicted of anything), and then finally being admitted to the Dual Diagnosis Program that saved his life, 2.5 weeks after we got home from vacation.

I had been very frightened to leave this year for our vacation, fearing that something would happen to him as usual, although I knew intellectually that he is a different person now, and that I needed to trust him in his recovery. But, the whole 3 weeks we were away, I was a little apprehensive in my self-determined trust... . listening for tell-tale signs of anything that seemed "off" in our phone conversations every 3 or 4 days. Nothing ever did seem amiss, but I knew that I wouldn't know for sure till we finally got home and I could see him with my own eyes. You know the feeling, I'm sure... .

Well, things are fine. He is fine. Though he had to miss his Outpatient Therapy and Psychiatric Therapy while we were gone, his Neurofeedback Therapist did come and pick him up and bring him home, for three 2.5 hour sessions spaced many days apart to last the duration of our vacation. We'd worked it out ahead of time to keep him in "recovery mode" and still taking one step after another in his process, to prevent relapse. It did the trick!  And he is one year clean and sober, and getting healthier physically and mentally, than ever before Smiling (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #30 on: April 21, 2014, 12:48:30 PM »

My beautiful BPDDD27 is participating in life right now in a healthier way. I am participating in life also in a healthier way. When our paths cross it is with gratitude, kindness, compassion instead of distress, resentment, blaming and anger. I am in joy for this today, knowing full well the future is unknown to us.

I have pondered what I want to say here, and seem to be full of words this morning.

If you have shared in my story posted here you know it is long and complex from the day DD came to our home at 3 weeks of age. I am finally learning to let go of so much guilt over the "if only" about being less than the perfect mom. She is human and imperfect too. And we are both doing the best we can each moment in an imperfect and distressing world. Forgiveness for myself - this is a new experience recently for me. And so I have more forgiveness for others in my life, and the effects on me. This has been encouraged in many ways, including from attachment therapy both with my T, my gd's T, reading, gaining direct support in my faith community.

DD's probation was revoked in February after she failed the previous 4 months in an intense dual-dx program with daily reporting. She did not show up. The staff, probation office team, and me all were doing more work than DD was. Even though the DA and DD's public defender made another probation 'deal', and DD pleaded guilty to the probation violations (like she could have pleaded otherwise!), the judge sentenced her to 9 months in jail, with work release. She waited a month to get a bed in the work release program - she lives at the jail, by a miracle got a job within the first week (only 2 weeks allowed to get work), and has been successful for the first week. She is managing all the details of her life when she is out during the day. I have had lunch with her weekly, taken her shopping (she has to provide all her own needs now instead of jail), and talked with her on the phone when she is bored and tempted to go hang out with toxic ex-friends.

She is very sick, and yet still at work today. Her descent into H**l gave her infection with some type of STD. She has been proactive in getting treatment - approval from jail supervisor to get to urgent care yesterday. I was unavailable and she found a way to get there. The bus does not run past the jail on Sunday's. She has been going to church - they take them to lunch. She got a ride to urgent care from a total stranger at church. She likes this church - people sincerely care and do not judge her. I was able to pick her up, get her meds. and drop her back at jail yesterday evening. Today she called for number to the clinic that accepts her medicaid.

She has NEVER EVER done all this on  her own before. EVER!

She has clearly said to me she does not need intensive mental health treatment. She knows she needs structure to help her with daily living. She is getting this in work release program. In addition to working, managing her own care (clothes, laundry, meds., etc.) she has to attend various classes at the jail. She proudly showed me her workbook (it is mine she said) "Socialization". It is CBT for interpersonal r/s. She has to attend AA or NA meetings on the weekends. She is keeping track of all the written documentation required by the program of where she goes and when she is there both inside and outside jail. She gets along with her bunk mate and others in the program. The work release dorm has only 10 women instead of 25 in the jail dorm.

I have been daily praying for her salvation - rescue from herself (or lack of "self". And it seems to be working in her. I am in awe that she is going to church after how she ridiculed gd and I for our beliefs. She was also attending church when in the regular jail dorm. Regardless of your personal beliefs, spiritual growth is an essential part of developing courage and strength to deal with the distress in life. I am so thankful DD is able to be open to this right now.

It would be naive to think this is only a spiraling path up. There will be dips in the future, and maybe they will be less severe and more easily recovered from.

I have been often without hope. It was always in me. It is so nice to be living in it for a change. And for DD too.

qcr

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« Reply #31 on: April 23, 2014, 05:15:42 AM »

I too have noticed some TLCs with my dd23.  She has been in DBT for 2 months and is trying very hard, working on her tasks set by her T.  I am in awe of her courage in doing this.

On the Easter long weekend my dd came with me and her grandmother, aunt and other family for Sunday lunch.  She was very wary of going to the place where the lunch was held, as her ex-bf who triggered her latest huge episode 3 months ago, often visits the suburb. She managed to hold it together, although she was quiet and a little uneasy but she made the effort as she wanted to be with the family.

I posted on another thread yesterday that perhaps, like your dd qcr, they almost need to reach 'rock bottom' and realise that they are responsible for their actions, before they can find a way forward?  Tough indeed for us parents to watch as this unfolds!

I am hoping and praying that this is also a turning point for my dd, and yours too qcr, although we both know that there will be many bumps in the road ahead.  It's a real ray of sunshine.

I so understand your appreciation that your dd is relating to you with compassion and a lack of anger as I've felt the same thing with my dd.  When the blame and raging is taken away, there is the possibility of a relationship with our dd's.  When they do things for themselves that they never did previously, well that's just the icing on the cake, isn't it?

There is hope, while we continue to work on ourselves and continue to be there as a loving parent to our cwBPD, just doing the best we can.  We cannot give up, and just so appreciate observing any TLCs that come along.
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« Reply #32 on: April 26, 2014, 04:28:15 PM »

I am new to this site and am thrilled to have found all of you dealing with similar issues! My breakthrough is that my UBPD son(31) has been holding a job for a year and a half now, which is a first.  The owner of the pet food manufacturing plant where he works has taken an interest in him and is being a wonderful mentor despite the obvious emotional issues my son has.  We are working on getting him to the point where he can live on his own. I don't know when that will happen, but I am grateful for his ongoing employment!
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« Reply #33 on: May 14, 2014, 11:37:04 AM »

As of Today, tears flow because she did it!

When I found this site a few months ago, I was really at my all time lowest with my 21BPD daughter and we were struggling to keep her in college.  She was in her last semester but during the last six months, she had completely went crazy threatening suicide, trashing her apartment and verbally abusing me (her mom) at every opportunity.  Several weeks ago, she literally said she dropped all her classes just weeks from finishing her semester, just to try to hurt me since she knew how important it was for us to see her graduate. Yet, over the last few weeks, I started using more of the valadation therory which at a minimum help reduce the intensity of our fights and sometimes shut some of those disputes  down.  I also had to helicoper certain aspects of her last semester in college but I told myself that I would not give up on her regardless of her negitivity and nasty attitude.  As of Today, tears flow because she did it.  She not only is graduating from a major university but she made the Dean's list which is her first time.  

I know many people on this board struggle with bigger issues with their children but I do think that learning to use validation does help and also learning to set boundries which is my next hurdle with my daughter.  Since she is unwilling to seek counselling, I chose to seek counseling which helped me set short term and long term goals dealing with her issues.

So for people struggle with children with BPD, there is still opportunity for them to accomplish goals and to improve their lives.


I don't know what our future holds with respect to our relationship with our daughter, but at least I know she has the ability to move forward.
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« Reply #34 on: May 23, 2014, 01:04:47 PM »

I just wanted to post my good news!

Last time I posted my own issue it was re dd posting on facebook a rant about me which was embarassing and degrading! I was so upset and struggled to rise above it and regain composure for fear of what people may think of me!

Well today I saw on fb a thank you to myself and my dh for helping her to move flats and make said flat more homely by arranging the cushions and making the bed and spraying 'nice smells' around and that she feel positive things will happen in that flat now!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I am so happy to see that! 

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« Reply #35 on: June 05, 2014, 07:13:15 AM »

I love this thread.

This gives me hope and a warm fuzzy feeling reading all of the positives. BPD is such an all consuming illness, that these little bright spots give motivation to keep on trying, to never ever give up. Thank you all for sharing the good happy stories, it has made my morning a little brighter today.
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« Reply #36 on: June 07, 2014, 01:58:03 AM »

Hi, I haven't posted in a while 

My good news is DD22 is 2 months into DBT individual therapy and speaking to her T last week is progressing really well.  As we live in Australia we've had to buy her private health cover to go into a 6 month group therapy program which she'll start in 2 months time.

By all accounts, DD seems to be coping better and engaging in the T although when she talks to me about it she's quite subdued and no doubt still full of anxiety about much of her life.  She's unemployed and living in a dive of a shared house, and says she's embarrassed when she meets people who ask 'what do you do'?

No doubt there's a long road ahead and this could be set off course by any triggers that come up, but right now I'm feeling hopeful and somewhat positive.  Yesterday my DD told me that she's working on better sleeping patterns with her T, and went out and bought healthy food.  She even went out on a walk which surprised me, and while I don't ask many questions I get the impression that her T is encouraging her to live a healthier life all round.  Pray for us that she keeps on track please... .
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« Reply #37 on: July 02, 2014, 10:28:47 AM »

Hello everyone.

I love it that this thread was started. I find it so encouraging to read people's stories of breakthroughs and good news.

My story of good news is that after years and years of trouble and hostility and anxiety with our DD, after the bleakest period of time we've ever had with her, she finally committed to a 30-day residential dual-diagnosis rehab facility. We had hoped for a 90-day program, but when she received full funding for this 30-day program, we were elated. In March, she was put on a list for August. She had to make weekly calls to stay on the list or she would lose her spot. I wasn't sure she would do it, but she has, and has even moved up to a July 23rd spot, which isn't far off.

While we know it isn't the answer to all of her problems, we are very hopeful it is the beginning of a new life for her if she will take it.

Thanks again to everyone who has shared... .and keep it up! Birdi
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« Reply #38 on: July 12, 2014, 10:40:22 AM »

I just want to say that my 29-year-old daughter, who has suffered with depression and many symptoms related to BPD for years, has just arranged to enter an inpatient treatment program. The facility is called Timberline Knolls and is in Illinois. We live in California, but Timberline was recommended to her by her therapist and some other young women she knows who were treated for eating disorders there. I've read their website inside and out, and it sounds good. They emphasize that they address any co-occurring conditions, such as personality disorder, and not just the eating disorder itself. She managed to get time off from work, but I think she's expecting a 30-day stay. I suspect that she will need longer to really get the help she needs, but we'll see. She told me that she's been deeply depressed since May and that she couldn't wait any longer to get into a program. Some of the others she looked into had long waiting lists. I can't tell you how impressed I am by her willingness and perseverance. In the depths of her depression, she made phone call after phone call until she found this place and has taken care of everything she needs to do. All I did was make her plane reservation. She leaves Tuesday. I am so glad that she's doing this, but I am also so sad and fearful about her future. However, I am trying to focus on the positive: she's taking the reins and I believe that she will be a very motivated patient. I can't imagine how hard this must be for her. If I were a praying person, I would be putting up prayers for her. It bothers me sometimes that I'm not, but I do believe in the human spirit. It's not always enough, but I've seen my daughter fight for her life for the past 15 years. Her spirit is wounded but not dead. I love her so much. Thank you for listening.
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« Reply #39 on: August 06, 2014, 12:28:00 PM »

I'm so thankful to have found this community.  I just have had two great days in a row with my son(18).  He was feeling like his future was so bleak a few days ago. At the time I had suggested that it might be an opportunity to use some of his new DBT skills.  I wasn't sure if he would take the suggestion as a criticism of how he was reacting to his circumstances.  Apparently not, because today he thanked me for the reminder and said that the skills helped!  We shared some great laughs today and he had some really nice interactions with his younger siblings... .I am filled with thankfulness.  I know the road will continue to be rocky, but days like this are a true gift. 
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« Reply #40 on: August 08, 2014, 11:11:51 AM »

Hello mmomm

I am so pleased that you are finding the site helpful- when we start to use the tools for communication we sometimes see changes quite quickly - I think it is the focus on validation that helps.

I hope this continues for you-do let us know how things progress Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #41 on: August 08, 2014, 02:53:17 PM »

Yay!  I'm so glad you joined us Mmomm.  I've reluctantly tried the same thing with my DD(17).  I asked her, "I see that you're really struggling with this situation. What would your DBT book say to do right now?"  I was afraid I'd get told to "F*#% off!" but she actually mentioned a couple of the skills in the book instead.  It really helps to notice progress.  I'm so glad you're having a good period with your DS!

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« Reply #42 on: August 09, 2014, 12:09:35 PM »

There is great gratitude and joy in the effort my DD28 is putting into being ready to get out of jail. She is seeking support from staff and volunteers in the jail so she can return to work release (living in jail, pay rent to jail, allowed out for specific purposes like work, AA/NA, appointments, etc.). She is able to admit and accept that her choices got her where she is, and it is up to her to make a path to get out and stay out.

My role is to love her with a full heart, to share this love with her in every contact, and to be an advocate to find those in the system that do care and can help her get her needs defined then met.

DD has started to trust her new T that the court has graciously allowed her furloughs to see outside the jail. The T is working with a team of others at the mental health center to get DD connected in several programs - intensive supervised job training and placement with a job coach; supportive transitional housing program with accountability for both mental health issues and substance abuse issues; regaining her benefits upon her release; documentation of her restrictions in working for her SSI appeal... .

DD accepting this level of support from those in 'authority' and doing her part without my direct help is so awesome to experience with her. There are still some stigma/attitude roadblocks she has to overcome in the system. I am so hopeful that the T and the mental health team can be there to give her the steps-up she needs to find success.

qcr
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« Reply #43 on: August 09, 2014, 12:29:57 PM »

That really is good news qcr Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #44 on: August 09, 2014, 02:22:48 PM »

Hi Birdi and Joey2008,

I just saw your posts and thought I'd follow up to see how your DDs are doing in their RTCs?  It is so encouraging to hear that they both enrolled themselves.  That in and of itself seems like wonderful news. I look forward to more success stories from both of you.

Lever,

You're so sweet to recognize others here.  I know you have some pretty big challenges to deal with.  Do YOU have any small successes to post here?

Qcarolr,

It sounds like your DD may have finally turned a new leaf.  She is so lucky to have you advocating for her to set up resources for when she gets out.  I admire you for plugging along doing whatever it takes to support your oh-so-challenging family.


My success today is in the detachment and peace I'm feeling about my DD17's impending move out of state.  I am not happy she is choosing to quit college to move in with her BF, but I have somehow come to terms with the idea that letting her go is the best strategy.  Perhaps this move will be a lesson in appreciation for DD once she has a chance to miss EVERYTHING about her life here.  I suppose a good dose of appreciation could be much more valuable in the grand scheme of things than another semester of college.


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« Reply #45 on: August 26, 2014, 01:27:28 PM »

I do have my own good news-gradually with effort on her own part and consistently using the "tools" things have greatly improved for my daughter. No more regular trips to A&E (emergency room)-no more psychiatric admissions for some time, looking after her children well. I'm afraid to post too much detail recently as I'm worried it is being read- but I certainly can offer hope.
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« Reply #46 on: September 16, 2014, 08:58:03 AM »

My 27 year-old daughter is finally starting to accept the diagnosis of BPD. She is in a facility that we are actually optimistic about (for the 1st time) helping her. The toughest thing is it’s not going to be a quick fix & she’ll have to do a lot of HARD work, which she usually runs away from. She recently said to her sister, “Borderliners either get better or kill themselves!” She already attempted suicide twice since February. I searched online the other day for some success stories & could not find even one. If anyone can share an ”UPLIFTING OUTCOME” to this lousy illness, PLEASE DO!

Thanks ~ Selusha
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« Reply #47 on: September 16, 2014, 10:13:16 AM »

-Bad/Good News?

-Sometimes what appears to us loved ones as a bad situation, is a good one, at least according to the professionals.

-I don't have time to post all the details; but, my 20-something BPD daughter is creating a revolt at the residential "dual diagnosis" facility she's been at for 2 mos... .getting all the other young adult girls to complain to their families about everything about the facility. She & the girls caused a raucous over the weekend. My husband & I were mortified, thinking they're going to kick her out. 

-I spoke to the Director/therapist last night & I was surprised when he tried to put a positive spin on it. He said it was good that it happened. Now they will put her in her place... .she's not running the show. Hopefully, she will stop resisting treatment and get down to the business of working on getting better... .Lord willing... .we'll see:)

-Wish mine was more of a true success story... .hopefully, I'll be able to post one soon:)

-Meanwhile, I would LOVE to read an encouraging post of BPD getting healthy!

Best wishes ~ Selusha
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« Reply #48 on: September 16, 2014, 10:48:19 AM »

-Meanwhile, I would LOVE to read an encouraging post of BPD getting healthy!

Best wishes ~ Selusha

Ask, and ye shall receive   :

My son's Recovery-In-Progress.  And, he's still doing well, still clean and sober, and our family life is still humming along smoothly  Being cool (click to insert in post)

I'm very glad to hear that there is some silver lining to your daughter's behaviors and stay at her Program... .If the Director is telling you that there is some light at the end of the tunnel, selusha, I would believe him. What you are describing is Good News, and if not, then at the very least, a Tiny Little Change that is positive. Congratulations!

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« Reply #49 on: September 21, 2014, 06:44:24 AM »

My D21 has had 2 amazing weeks! She is raging lees, joined the family on a couple of outings, did well her college group assignment ( she has Axiety Disorder along with BPD). We are running a marathon together and she's even suggesting different training routes! These break throughs have given me so much hope. I know there might be some difficult times ahead but, I am certainly enjoying these moments.
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« Reply #50 on: September 22, 2014, 07:11:43 PM »

Oh that is so great to hear, Rlsmith2!

Thanks for sharing that; it really does give others hope when we can see some Good News or Breakthroughs--and even the Tiny Little Changes!--that others can report. Very cool Being cool (click to insert in post)

And you are right; savor the good times when you recognize them.These can help us in the future when we need the memories to keep us going... .

Anyone else have something good to share?  Smiling (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #51 on: September 22, 2014, 10:10:11 PM »

We're keeping our fingers crossed, but it looks like DD17 and BF22 have finally broken up for real, which means DD will NOT be moving to the Midwest. ---HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF!--

They just broke up today and DD already has one of her old friends (an ex BF ) over to keep her company. She was really sad earlier, but she seems relieved for now. Underneath all her whining about needing a fresh start, she was concerned about moving so far away to live with someone who is abusive and rages at her.

I'm still praying the breakup sticks.  Their news changes daily, but I do feel like celebrating this TLC right now, even if they get back together tomorrow.  WHEW!
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« Reply #52 on: October 05, 2014, 03:49:20 PM »

I asked DD28 in phone call from jail yesterday how she was doing. "mom, I feel hopeful".  Wow, I have never heard her say that! Smiling (click to insert in post) We were talking about the appointments I can schedule for the first week she is out -release projected for 11/15/14 -- only 39 days. I asked how many she wants per week - in past she crashed on more than one or two. She said make it three. Then she has somewhere to go and something to do.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I am hopeful too. Dh is less so, especially since we have made her a commitment to help with housing again. Hard to find apartments that will accept her background check. Looking into roommate ads on Craigslist. At least there are a lot of those listed. It only takes one to meet her needs.

qcr
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« Reply #53 on: December 30, 2014, 09:04:26 AM »

I am so grateful for the changes in our family the past few weeks. DD's apartment did not work out - same issues as always plus a whacko landlord. Too many friends over that looked "seedy". Smoking outside on the porch. Two folding chairs on the porch. The landlord lives a 3 hour drive away and had the neighbors watching the apartment.

Result: we allowed DD to come to our home and sleep on the couch in family room while figuring out housing. Gd gave her approval and clearly stated her boundaries for her mom to be here. No yelling, No bad words, No physical contact in anger, None of DD's friends at the house.  Gd is holding all of us accountable for these 'house rules'. She has gradually become more relaxed and comfortable with her mom. There is one friend that we have allowed and gd is OK with him too.  This is so awesome in gd's process overcoming her anxiety around her mom.

DD has done a lot of sleeping. She is very appreciative of being here. She is participating in her bi-weekly therapy, she is willing to attend her 'Work First' orientation today. (required for her food stamps) She knows the rules and wants to stay off the streets - esp. when it is zero out. She desires to be a part of the family.

This is good for today. I will enjoy this peace day by day. I will pray for peace tomorrow.

qcr
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« Reply #54 on: December 30, 2014, 01:53:20 PM »

This does sound like good news, qcarolr  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Thanks so much for sharing 
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« Reply #55 on: January 12, 2015, 12:01:01 AM »

I wanted to share something. My 15 year old d has fought DBT, just going through the motions. Nothing has worked, but even though she says she hates it and is just saying the words to get through the sessions, DBT is the only therapy with which we saw improvement. Even though she says it does her no good, she likes her therapist/group, and team of drs, and continues to not give me any grief about going to the sessions even though we have to drive 1 1/2 hours each way. 

She started talking to me a few days ago about an issue she is dealing with, I asked a question, and she flipped really lashing out. I told her that we could talk about it later when she was calmer, or she could call her therapist if she wanted. I heard her whisper "opposite of emotion, opposite of emotion, opposite of emotion" under her breath. She took my hand in hers and apologized for lashing out, saying that it wasn't fair that she was treating me that way. She analyzed her own feeling and actually validated herself as she was explaining to me why she was so upset.   

I don't know what to say except that it felt so great. Seeing her struggle these past 2 years,  how far she has come. We finally have a "team" in place that is getting somewhere with her therapy, but she is doing the work as well. I see a real difference in her actually wanting to feel better.
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« Reply #56 on: January 12, 2015, 09:17:53 PM »

Amal, thanks so much for sharing this experience with us. Wow, to see the skills in action. You get some credit too for responding in such a calm and grounded way in giving the choices of calming down to talk with you or calling her therapist. So much hopefulness here.

qcr

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« Reply #57 on: January 16, 2015, 10:33:40 AM »

I have good news today.  My daughter is working on calling me MOM rather than my first name.  About 12 years ago, when her BPD was raging, she started to not call me Mom.  I never made an issue of it because it was at the lower end of ?.  So, she came home from her dr. appt. and said this is what she needed to work on.  The first time she called me mom I just said thank you.  Knowing what to say in positive can be just as hard to what to say in negative.  I still listen a lot in both. However, IT MADE ME FEEL GOOD .  However,  I am still very much aware of the pendulum. Today was not just two steps forward... .but... .a huge leap.  Never saw it coming Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #58 on: January 16, 2015, 12:46:49 PM »

Today was not just two steps forward... .but... .a huge leap.  Never saw it coming Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)

That's so cool, Lacey Mae   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Thanks for sharing; it's really good to hear these stories!
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« Reply #59 on: February 16, 2015, 12:47:29 PM »

I'm super new to the board and to BPD. 

Background in a nutshell:  dd/15 diagnosed with major depression, anxiety, ptsd.  self-harms and suicidal ideation (sp?). Hospitalized once, currently in partial outpatient program. 

But here's the good news... .after refusal to come home with us from program for 2 days she had a great weekend at home and worked on a large lego set that we got her.  Although she "hates" doing it, it seems to calm her down and is teaching her that teeny little steps in the right direction add up to something great 
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« Reply #60 on: February 16, 2015, 01:06:17 PM »

Although she "hates" doing it, it seems to calm her down and is teaching her that teeny little steps in the right direction add up to something great 

Great news marla!

Those TLC (tiny little changes) are building blocks for future progress.

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« Reply #61 on: June 23, 2015, 05:18:40 PM »

I haven't posted for a year, but thought my story might encourage other parents - there's a happy ending, I promise!  After a very bumpy road with my stepson throughout his early/mid teens, he moved out.  Choosing a very expensive city to live in, and not having any education, work experience or even self-discipline, he struggled to keep jobs and pay rent.  He was caught up in the prevalent drug and alcohol culture of his peer group and was essentially living on the streets, blaming everyone else for his situation. Eventually, after his actions blew up every relationship he had (friends, co-workers, parents and sibling), he fell into a serious romantic relationship with someone he had known for a couple of years.  For the past 9 months, he's turned a new leaf:  committed himself to his DBT and successfully graduated from the program, excelled at work, found a place to live and worked hard on his relationship.  His Dad and I still worry that he's doing all this work for his significant other, and not for himself, but he's matured immensely.  Yes, there's still a large measure of 'drama queen' and victim mentality, but he's persevering.  A month ago, he and his girlfriend had a commitment ceremony and plan to make it official next year.

Fingers crossed that they live a happy life together.  And as a (step)parent to a BPD child, I can't stress enough the need for strong boundaries, and awareness of FOG in order to maintain one's own equilibrium. 
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« Reply #62 on: June 24, 2015, 01:02:38 AM »

RunningWithScissors -  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Thanks for sharing your good news with us. Persevering -- that does seem to be a part of growing up. It does seem to take hitting a crisis at a very low point and having a supportive person persist in being there with love and boundaries -- unconditional on both of these in many ways. I wish them joy in their life together and perseverance to work through the challenges.

qcr
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« Reply #63 on: June 24, 2015, 03:47:05 PM »

Thank you running with scissors for your update.  Hearing the good news is very helpful and hopeful to all of us. Like you, we had to put some major boundaries up for our dwBPD and it was so hard to "hold the line" and not get caught in the FOG.  Today, I was once again rewarded for my husband, my daughter's and I work together on her issues.  Her car needed a repair, we knew going in it was going to be rather expensive.   She took it in, got the estimate, called and we talked it through and said it sounded like a reasonable price and that the work needed to be done etc.  A little later I got a text from her asking how much she had in her account for car repair/taxes/tags.  (those that have seen my posts, know that my daughter and I work together on her budget etc.  because of the huge issue she has with money)  I told her, and she was so relieved that  she had plenty of money to pay the bill on her own, and then even thanked me for helping her keep on track with her money so that she could handle this on her own!   I am so grateful for this, a year ago I don't think I could have believed it was possible.  So I can happily say that today I have hope that all of our futures are much better and brighter.
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« Reply #64 on: July 17, 2015, 12:09:42 AM »

My DD is in a new place I have not experienced with her before. She went through a major bf crisis about 5 weeks ago which included an intense physical altercation and both of them in jail when I called police. After a week they were each released on 18 months probation, domestic violence classes and alcohol/drug monitoring. This automatically included a criminal no-contact order.

In the past DD would be blaming me and bf for this jail time and new probation and be impossible to live with. She has accepted the terms of probation after a couple of mis-starts. She sees her T bi-weekly, and is able to remind me about when the appointment is and her transportation plans. She accepted the referral from her T for a discount public bus pass based on her 'disability'. She has refused to do this for past 3 years. Her bus fares are 1/2 of the normal amount in the whole metro system. I can afford to get her an unlimited bus pass, and she is willing to use it. She asks me to give her a ride now when she needs my emotional or 'administrative' assistance.

She is also about 3 weeks into a "Ready to Change" group at the mental health center. Another first in her entire life - to desire to go and willingness to sacrifice other things to be there. She knows the other 2-3 clients in this group from her year in jail 2013-2014. AWESOME  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I continue to be able to express how she adds value to her family - I did this with the judge in court on the public record. DD continues to rebuild a friend relationship with her D. We are pursing adoption of my gd10 (we have had custody for 9 years) to gain financial security from dh and my SSA benefits as we approach retirement. So far DD is consenting to this and is able to talk about it without a meltdown.

DD has reconnected in a positive way with a couple of exbf's that were involved in serious crisis that led to jail for her and prison for one of them. The three of them are actually talking about the harassment and assault behaviors, working through the emotions and consequences. I am in awe about this. It is so good to hear her laughing when the ex that assaulted her in 2012 is here visiting. I said to her recently that it is like he is 'courting' her with real 'dates'. This is also a first. Her previous adult relationships were quickly into living together, lots of substance abuse, and a violent end to the relationship. Others from her homeless community are also working with goals to move forward in their lives. Some have excluded DD from their lives. She is gradually moving from wanting vengence to pondering her part in this.

It is like a journey that feels defeating walking step by step up a steep path falling into pitfalls. For me, sitting on a hill watching and praying, all I can see is slow but steady progress toward the mountain top. I read a true story of this as part of an annual pilgrimage of the population snaking from town up the mountain to a monastery. DD seemed to appreciate the visualization of this story.

I am very tired and very hopeful. Have to focus on my self-care practices. I am so grateful to my God and the people he has put in my life to support my journey. These changes did not happen until I gave DD up to him over and over, trusting that He would care for her as He cared for me. It is such joy that I am able to share this update with you all.

qcr
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« Reply #65 on: July 17, 2015, 08:47:56 AM »

Amazing!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #66 on: July 21, 2015, 03:23:25 PM »

I am very tired and very hopeful. Have to focus on my self-care practices. I am so grateful to my God and the people he has put in my life to support my journey. These changes did not happen until I gave DD up to him over and over, trusting that He would care for her as He cared for me. It is such joy that I am able to share this update with you all.

qcr

Wow... .This is a really inspirational update, and I'm so happy to hear it, qcarolr 

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« Reply #67 on: July 22, 2015, 04:03:03 PM »

Since my 28 year old daughter with BPD was diagnosed a few months ago there have been ups and downs - times her moods were more "normal" than ever, other times where I could see fresh cutting marks on her arm and legs.

This week she was hired for a job! She's very pleased. Of course her persistent negativity was in evidence (she only got the job because - she thinks - no one else applied, etc.) but she did it - she took a chance and risked rejection.

Since she quit her job a few years ago she hasn't applied for anything else in her field and so just applying was huge. Also notable - shortly after she completed the interview for this job (which she was certain she bombed) she actually applied for something else, and she seemed to be comfortable with come-what-may - this is big for her. Normally, applying for something that isn't a sure thing is really hard for her - something she may do every few years - but then she spends her days assuming the worst and vows to never try again if she doesn't get the outcome she wants. So this is all progress.

She's also been committed to therapy and even started a support group as there aren't group therapy services in her native language where she currently lives. I know there may be setbacks but I'm happy for today.
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« Reply #68 on: July 22, 2015, 09:26:52 PM »

Ooohhhh... .I'm happy for you too, samanthal  Smiling (click to insert in post)

This really IS big, and not only applying for and getting a new job, but also committing to Therapy--and even starting a Support Group!--are quite the icing and the sprinkles on the cake 

Great news!

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« Reply #69 on: July 22, 2015, 10:31:32 PM »

samanthal

Wonderful news.  Thank you for sharing.
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« Reply #70 on: July 25, 2015, 02:50:54 PM »

My first posts several weeks ago was one of concern for my 20 y/o daughter because she was verbalizing dissatisfaction w her therapy and DBT group.  She seemed to be regressing, very anxious and negative. I was full of despair.  Thank goodness she is court ordered to attend therapy for the next 2 years.  Currently she is in a better place.  Happy to go to DBT group and her therapy sessions.  She is less negative and tells me she loves me. She knows her Dad and I support and love her unconditionally.  This is a lesson for me to take  life one day at a time (sometimes one minute at a time!) 
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« Reply #71 on: July 25, 2015, 05:56:35 PM »

Today was a good day. My gd5 celebrated her birthday and dBPDd came to the party. She told me that she was beginning to understand why we took custody and that she understood that she needs to get better before she can be a decent mother to her daughter. This is the first time she has spoken to me since May in any meaningful way. Thanks for this thread--it's important to embrace the small victories. I spend way too much time focusing on all the negative things.
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« Reply #72 on: July 27, 2015, 09:16:19 PM »

My first posts several weeks ago was one of concern for my 20 y/o daughter because she was verbalizing dissatisfaction w her therapy and DBT group.  She seemed to be regressing, very anxious and negative. I was full of despair.  Thank goodness she is court ordered to attend therapy for the next 2 years.  Currently she is in a better place.  Happy to go to DBT group and her therapy sessions.  She is less negative and tells me she loves me. She knows her Dad and I support and love her unconditionally.  This is a lesson for me to take  life one day at a time (sometimes one minute at a time!) 

Gerri, I'm so glad to hear that things have turned around with your daughter and her Therapy and DBT Sessions! And happy to hear that she is becoming more positive and loving... .And, yeah. Learning to take things one day, minute or even second at a time, is a good lesson for us all to learn 

Today was a good day. My gd5 celebrated her birthday and dBPDd came to the party. She told me that she was beginning to understand why we took custody and that she understood that she needs to get better before she can be a decent mother to her daughter. This is the first time she has spoken to me since May in any meaningful way. Thanks for this thread--it's important to embrace the small victories. I spend way too much time focusing on all the negative things.

mimi99, congratulations on your good day with your granddaughter and daughter  Smiling (click to insert in post) I'm very happy for you, that things feel happy right now, and that you had a good conversation with your daughter finally, after a long time. Embracing the small victories and focusing on the positive in our lives really is key to being happy... .Thanks for the Good News!

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« Reply #73 on: August 01, 2015, 07:39:08 PM »

This is a first

Tonight, my DD thanked me for buying her an ice cream cone.

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« Reply #74 on: August 17, 2015, 10:09:38 PM »

I am  grateful my BPD daughter is able to say I am sorry and she loves me after her angry outbursts.  I know she really means it.  This is a huge and gives me great hope.  It is a huge step forward
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« Reply #75 on: August 18, 2015, 12:12:08 AM »

Hi everyone:  I sure miss all of you when I am not reading the board and posting.  I do what I can when I can.  TLC's is what I need today.  I have been really emotional today and took my swBPD too personally.  I felt like nothing when he rolled his eyes at me today and wouldn't listen to me, said he was busy... .  Anyway he is still going to dbt classes, so far four in a row and second month in therapy.  He is high functioning and said he retook the assessment questions and really isn't BPD anymore.  MMMMM I am very sceptical about that one,  Anyway he has held down his job and therapy and dbt.  Those are the tlc's.   Yea!   Kelti
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« Reply #76 on: August 18, 2015, 12:27:18 AM »

Kelti

Do not give up.  Remember BPD is cyclical, and those with it are bright.  They know the correct answers to appear normal when they are not.  Was he diagnosed with a lesser disorder instead? Bpd is a brain disorder.  You have every right to be sketical about a miracle cure. 

Hang in there. 
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« Reply #77 on: January 17, 2016, 07:00:03 AM »

Hi

Feeling optimistic today. Just found out that BPDs, following receipt of a referral letter and request to contact them, has organised himself an assessment appointment for this coming Friday. This is on top of an interview in 8 days time AND he's organised two days casual work this week. And if I'm not mistaken he's going to organise himself a bank account tomorrow... .say what?

I've agreed to act as taxi driver for the two days this week. I'm asking myself if I'm enabling, it's such a thin line. I'm thinking "well, he's helping himself so why not support him if he asks me to do this small thing"

We haven't given him any cash since 24th Dec.

Thanks for reading
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« Reply #78 on: January 25, 2016, 01:32:33 AM »

We had a lovely day yesterday. Went for a really long walk with the dogs, came back and watched an old film on tv in front of the fire. We didn't talk much, it just wasn't needed as we were happy just to be.

Just realised why it was so different. We didn't talk or moan about BPDs.

Bpds is all calm at the moment, unstuck and doing things for himself.

Old cynic in me thinks "lull before the storm".  He has an interview today. First in 5 years.

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« Reply #79 on: January 30, 2016, 12:37:15 PM »

My BPD son (27) found himself at a low point this week--only a few dollars in his bank account because he had spent impulsively, little food left,  the bathtub drain in his apt was badly clogged, his dishwasher broken, his rear view mirror even fell off of his windshield.  These kinds of things get everyone down, but he tends to curl up in a ball and do nothing.  He lives a few hours away but in the past I would have driven up there and tried to set everything right for him or would at least have transferred some money. This time I kept reminding myself that growth comes out of discomfort, and though I encouraged and advised, I didn't do anything for him.  Well, lo and behold, he contacted the rental property about the drain and dishwasher and got them fixed, started on the food stamp recertification (he's got a part-time job and his hours have been cut recently) and called the office to make sure he was doing it right, lived on some emergency provisions (from a Wise food kit of dehydrated food that I had bought from hsn months ago) that he's had for quite awhile and hasn't touched. He even went to a mechanic and got the mirror fixed.  Well, I'm sure that there will be plenty of backsliding ahead, but I hope that I can remember this week so that I offer less assistance in the future.  He said that he felt good after getting these things done.  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #80 on: January 30, 2016, 03:44:57 PM »

Good job not jumping in to rescue him JE141!

Amazing what they will do for themselves when no one else does it for them.

Good example of supporting and encouraging JE141.
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« Reply #81 on: February 21, 2016, 11:00:30 AM »

I posted this news on a thread a couple of days ago, but thought it should be here in the archive of good news and breakthroughs. DD is 4th on the list for DBT and it will commence sometime in April.  We are so happy and relieved we did a little jig together. 

To provide those in the UK context, it will have been 12 months from diagnosis to treatment commencing.  Yes, boo hoo! My advice is once on the waiting list let your BPD's Dr know you will be regularly calling in for an update to find out where they are on the waiting list. Our experience has been they tell you it's way longer than it is, which is not helpful for those who want treatment, a realistic timeline is a positive to focus on. I hope that's helpful.

Daughter has been in the crisis house for the last two weeks and tonight she is coming for her first home visit. Supper, a good film, relaxing bath and bed 







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« Reply #82 on: February 24, 2016, 02:28:58 PM »

What a great board!  It is easy to focus on the negatives, but looking for the positives is so much more rewarding.  I am so thrilled that my daughter graduated from university (several years ago), despite wanting to drop out many times and a breakdown.  She made it! That was one of the happiest moments of my life.  She also is married to a man who loves her and takes good care of her and she has a job.  These are all the things I wished for her.  I may not be in her life right now, but knowing that she is happy, loved and taken care of, helps a lot.   I am so proud of her for accomplishing so much!  
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« Reply #83 on: February 28, 2016, 02:46:47 AM »

Hi

We went out yesterday evening as a family to celebrate my m-in-laws 84th birthday. Only the 5 of us. We spent about 2 hours completely relaxed. Bpds 25 was genuinely laughing when my husband was telling stories and reminiscing. There came a point when they both recalled a funny time spent together. A brief, but delicious experience that warmed out hearts. My younger son really enjoyed sharing with his older brother. I can't remember a time when we've truly enjoyed spending time together. I have hope.

11 weeks since BPDs returned home and we're building bridges and trust as I learn in this site. 

Thanks for reading

L
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« Reply #84 on: March 02, 2016, 05:21:53 PM »

Hi

We went out yesterday evening as a family to celebrate my m-in-laws 84th birthday. Only the 5 of us. We spent about 2 hours completely relaxed. Bpds 25 was genuinely laughing when my husband was telling stories and reminiscing. There came a point when they both recalled a funny time spent together. A brief, but delicious experience that warmed out hearts. My younger son really enjoyed sharing with his older brother. I can't remember a time when we've truly enjoyed spending time together. I have hope.

11 weeks since BPDs returned home and we're building bridges and trust as I learn in this site. 

Thanks for reading

L

Wonderful!
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« Reply #85 on: March 09, 2016, 01:09:11 PM »

The good news is:

Daughter spoke to her employer today (she has not worked for the last month due to crisis and was very nervous about the conversation).  He was really supportive and understanding (she had sent him her BPD blog to read a few weeks ago). He has suggested she go freelance over the next year so she can prioritise her recovery - DBT starts in April and other activities, to work for him when she is well and take time out if she needs to. He reckons freelancing will easily meet her current salary for less hours.  Daughter is pleased and excited, it's taken the pressure off her and provided the necessary flexibility to recover.  She's already thinking about her new freelancing website. The additional bonus is her job is there waiting for her whenever she wants it back!   Daughters father is a freelancer - he is to provide her a master class in the responsibilities of freelancing - eg submitting tax and national insurance.

Good to see employers can actively support our BPDs in their work.

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« Reply #86 on: March 09, 2016, 01:12:20 PM »

Your daughter is very fortunate to have a supportive boss and a flexible career!

Breaks like these are hard to come by, I'm so glad your d received it.

Smiling (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #87 on: March 09, 2016, 01:47:16 PM »

Hi wendydarlin

That's absolutely brilliant news for all of you. Her dad must feel good because he can practically help her too. What a great boss. I'm just so pleased for you. Also, the change over in medication went well too. Big smiles!

I also have a little bit of good news. I attempted an encouraging discussion with Bpds about seeking treatment. The conversation went really well and I'm hopeful Bpds will seek assessment soon. We entered into a natural and comfortable exchange and Bpds opened up and shared his feelings about being offered a room to rent (he got offered today) and his fear of alternately living on his own. He doesn't think either would work at the moment. This is the very first time he's ever initiated a talk about living independently locally, EVER. I managed it right and said we were all working hard, we all could try harder and that we were all exploring a way forward. We were not only realistic but optimistic that he would find his way toward to live a happy an independent life.  Bpds seemed to really appreciate this. Bpds then said "the reason I'm never at home is because I'm a pothead mum".  I honestly felt that I shouldn't carry on with the conversation as he already knows our feelings about this. I just let the comment hang in the air and said "ok". 

Importantly also, Bpds called his dad yesterday when he saw him in town - admittedly it was because he wanted to cadge a lift but a call to his dad is unheard of. I noticed this evening when Bpds left he made a point of wishing his dad a safe journey north - again, new behaviour emerging.

I'm a happy bunny today.

L

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« Reply #88 on: March 09, 2016, 02:02:43 PM »

Happy bunny... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)


Smiling (click to insert in post)


I'm happy for you and your family.

lbj
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« Reply #89 on: March 12, 2016, 01:52:18 PM »

Further positive changes in BPDs25. He's shared his news that he has a new girlfriend and that he hopes to get her to meet us. I've suggested she come around when our younger son's girlfriend visits. I'm a little concerned about this news as Bpds finds relationships difficult plus she's only just 18, a 7 year gap. He doesn't do casual and he's quite old fashioned in this respect.  It's very early days. The conversation went well and he's unaware of my concerns. I hope she's a mature 18 as they may just meet somewhere in the middle. She's in college, hopes to go to uni in September and works - all good signs. The other news is that Bpds may just have found himself a job that would fit in well with his casual work. My fingers are crossed.

We feel very positive about how Bpds is opening up. He seems happy.

I'm learning to distance myself by not commenting, to let things be, to let him grow, while encouraging him to seek treatment.

Thanks

L
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« Reply #90 on: March 12, 2016, 03:35:30 PM »

Thanks for your good wishes Lollipop and kind words! Wow, I'm delighted to hear of your latest breakthrough conversation with your son. That sounds a significant conversation for sure -  trust, honesty, and sharing a realistic goal together. Girlfriend and possible job ... .son's had a busy week!  Heart warming all round   WDx
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« Reply #91 on: March 19, 2016, 04:42:42 PM »

A TLC from yesterday/today.  My 16 y.o. daughter has been out of control and running off.  Last night, I knew more trouble was brewing between her and this boy she has a terrible relationship with.  I just commented that she looked sad, and she opened up a little about their troubles, which was nice.  Sadly, within a half hour after our talk she ran off again- I came into her room to find the window open and her gone, but this time she left a note saying she went out with friends "not to freak out and I love you."  Needless to say, I still freaked out since I had no idea where she was.  Called the police, spent several hours tracking her down through Facebook, texting friends and friends' parents.  I found her this time and she did come home.  I said very little when she got back.  This morning, I dreaded her waking up, but the very first thing she did was to apologize.  I told her that I accepted and appreciated her apology.  I told her the behavior was unacceptable and that leaving a note was better than not.  I told her that I knew it wasn't about me and that she was trying to escape the problems with the boy. Although she has still had some outbursts of getting really irritable and shouting/swearing, she has been in a better mood today.  She is doing a beautiful job working on a project for a class she is failing, trying to catch up.  She is spending time with her little brother and being nice to him.  Maybe the medication change is helping.   I also feel like we both handled the situation more effectively than in times past.  This website is helping me, being open with my friends is helping and knowing I'm going back to therapy and that we're on the wait list for intensive in-home therapy is helping.  We have a long road ahead of us, but it's the first hopeful day we've had in a month.  I'll take it!         
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« Reply #92 on: March 19, 2016, 04:53:12 PM »

So good to hear that you are not personalizing your d's behaviors of last night.

So good to hear you acknowledge sometimes things are good.

So good to hear you have something to hold onto for a better future.

So good to hear that your family is benefitting from healthier communication.

Just so good!
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« Reply #93 on: April 04, 2016, 08:31:39 AM »

I didn't validate as I should have and also made a suggestion during a conversation with BPDs25 yesterday.

I'm reading "I don't have to... ." And decided to try again.

Spoke with Bpds and managed to provide validation in a natural way despite it being later ... .I ended with "what have you decided to do about it?" And he replied!

My H is always negative and it's getting me down. This morning I told him off for making yet another sarcastic and negative comment. I realised afterwards that I need to validate him too, this is a revelation to me!  I apologised when he got back home and gave him a hug, said its ok you'll find you're able to change too, he cried. So sad but I've made progress in my understanding.

Validate, validate, validate, listen!

And I got partial rent payment with the rest to follow later without any problems at all.

I laugh at the word "partial" 
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« Reply #94 on: April 04, 2016, 08:35:02 AM »

Gotta love the "do over" lollypop.

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« Reply #95 on: April 05, 2016, 03:16:20 PM »

Yes - I'm learning too.  I phoned one of my best friends back and did a 'do over'.  I sat thinking about how I'd done a 'Pollyanna' on her earlier and tried the positive suggestions far too much and too soon.  The listen, listen, understand, validate and validate again works in so many areas. My husband is looking quite nervous!   
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« Reply #96 on: April 06, 2016, 03:32:26 PM »

Validate, validate, validate, listen.  Reading this in the past couple posts reminds me how I spoke this in my mind so many times in the past few years. I realize that all that practice may be working. Validation is simply a part of how I respond to so many things now without having to chant the phrases in my mind first!  Seems to be taking the longest to get it 'right' with my dh. This closest relationship is the most defended and the hardest to validate. Maybe I expect to get my dose of validation from dh too.

qcr Carol
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« Reply #97 on: April 06, 2016, 06:48:44 PM »

Got my daughter set up with eating disorder treatment, in-home crisis stabilization, with back up plan for intensive outpatient.  She will be getting some trauma-informed therapy, which is something she hasn't had.  And she likes her new therapists  Smiling (click to insert in post)   

She sang in a choir concert the other night at our church.  Even though so much of the time she acts like she hates and wants nothing to do with me, she kept looking at me to make sure I was watching her.  Then they have a tradition of grabbing kids from the audience to sing with them for the last song, but she pulled me up there to sing with her instead!  Have to remember there is still love underneath all the BPD symptoms.  She's still in there, underneath.     
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« Reply #98 on: April 06, 2016, 06:59:12 PM »

That is so sweet landslide, it brought tears to my eyes.  Your precious d is in there and she needs you to be the most affective parent you can be for her.

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« Reply #99 on: April 09, 2016, 10:28:07 AM »

She will be getting some trauma-informed therapy, which is something she hasn't had.  And she likes her new therapists  Smiling (click to insert in post)        

landslide - trauma-informed therapy has been very healing with both my DD30 and my gd10. We all have suffered wounds and this can be beneficial to each of us. My dh is even picking up an awareness, though he is so resistive to new perspectives.

qcr Carol
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« Reply #100 on: April 09, 2016, 04:15:57 PM »

Qcarolr, Thank you for letting me know trauma-informed therapy was helpful for your family members, that gives me hope (and I need every bit I can get these days)! 
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« Reply #101 on: April 24, 2016, 02:54:21 AM »

Sharing good news I got today. My 19 yr old daughter who has been living in another state, 12 hour drive, has decided to come home! She called today to tell me that Ibwas right and she should come home. I visited her a few weeks ago as she has not been working and can't go out to by groceries alone and was feeling like she couldn't ask her friends anymore. She was depressed, worried about having food in the house, needed to do laundry, etc. on my visit I kept her company and quietly assessed her situation while validating what she was feeling. She did her laundry while I was there and we went out each day to take care of some of the things she needed to do. I am proud of myself for not just taking over and fixing everything the way I thought it should be done. I let her call the shots. It was good for building trust. And I think it helped with her decision to come home. We have some things to figure out, but it feels good that it is her idea. No one is forcing her or even giving her an ultimatum. She is seeing that she can't keep going on the way she is. And I'm not sure, but I think she is ready to start looking into therapy. One step at a time. It is such a relief to be preparing for her homecoming.
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« Reply #102 on: April 24, 2016, 08:52:56 AM »

Good news that your d realized on her own that she isn't thriving and needs support from her family.

Keep posting and reading here ShiningStar as we want to support you and share any helpful info we can to help you and help you help your daughter.

lbj
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« Reply #103 on: April 26, 2016, 01:58:17 AM »

Thank you lbj.

Today we settled on dates for her move. She seems to be handling it all very well. I am learning a lot here about validating her feelings and experiences. I have done a lot of that before and am learning how to be better at listening without trying to say how I relate. Because I don't necessarily relate. I can hear what she is saying. And in doing that and acknowledging her, she began to see how she was contradicting herself. And it seems to be helping her to trust me and to see how she can make choices. I am choosing to see her thriving and feeling safe and happy. Truly feeling happy. I am so grateful for this forum. I am excited about learning more. So much information here. So little time.
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« Reply #104 on: April 27, 2016, 02:10:50 PM »

Hi

A second debt follow up letter arrived this week. We spoke with BPDs25 explaining the debt collection process and that we thought this was a last ditch effort by the agency to get their money. We had a grownup conversation and Bpds agreed that he'd learnt his lesson and hadn't borrowed any money for over 5 years. Husband validated reasonably well and we gave our Bpds his post.

Two days later and I discovered Bpds has opened it. This is new behaviour! Normally it would be left lying around unopened. This shows me that Bpds felt emotionally strong enough to read the letter or was perhaps curious to want to confirm the contents.

A very small step, but a step in the right direction.

Bpds has said that he wants to go on holiday with us for two weeks. This will be the first time in 10 years that we will have a family holiday as he's never wanted to go. I always thought he didn't want to be with us. I'm relieved as Bpds always goes downwards when we are away on holiday. i now realise that he desperately wanted to be with us but couldn't because of his addictions.  I'm hoping that my three men can bond a little and start to rebuild a better relationship.  It's a big holiday of a lifetime so it's no wonder he wanted to go but Perhaps another sign of maturing and definitely he feels comfortable and safe with us to want to go.

All is calm.

L
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« Reply #105 on: April 28, 2016, 05:58:03 AM »

Wonderful news Lollypop!  You have worked hard on improving your relationship with your son and it is paying off in many ways.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #106 on: May 31, 2016, 05:03:51 AM »

Hi

Recent positive developments. Bpds25 goes through his old stuff in the loft with GF. He was looking for old posters to put up in his room. He asked me if this was ok, he felt the room he's in a bit characterless.

Bpds has only ever looked at his childhood photos about three times since he was about 10. Hes always found them painful to see. He's been through them all and put some up, including one of him with his younger brother and one of him with his dad. It's heart warming to see this random collection.

He found his guitar and amp. Haven't been played since he was 17. Drugs took their toll and all previous interests and hobbies disappeared. Bpds Has moved them down to his room and says he's going to play again.

Psychologically there's something going on here. I can't explain it but the three of us popped our heads in and said the same thing "this is a good sign".

I kept my mouth shut when I wanted to say "yeah this is great but you do know this is only temporary because you will be moving out at some point". I didn't. I chose to enjoy the moment as our eldest son starts to understand the importance of environment.

Rent is being paid on time without me asking.

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« Reply #107 on: May 31, 2016, 06:40:07 PM »

Your son is rewriting in his mind what his relationships are like, he is feeling the love!

Whoop whoop... .I'm doin the happy dance for you all. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #108 on: June 04, 2016, 12:50:28 AM »

Magic moments Lollypop, I too am feeling the love and touched by all your hard work, it rubs off further than you may imagine   
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« Reply #109 on: June 06, 2016, 07:25:10 PM »

My 27yr old daughter received a tiny hand written card, bright pink envelope today from a Canadian pen pal/internet friend she has corresponded with for well over a decade.

Her friend shared she was no longer BPD after three years of DBT and wished my daughter well.

Hands across the ocean x

WDx 










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« Reply #110 on: August 21, 2016, 04:24:27 AM »

Hi

Having had a fabulous holiday with plenty of time doing a mixture of things, sharing laughs and exciting times too my family has bonded. It was much needed and worth every penny.

Younger son said "I feel like I've got a brother". H is getting on so much better with both of them and they have more respect for him (afterall he's the one who has to do a job he hates to keep us fed and watered). We didn't react when BPDs got irritated or anxious - happened three times. We got through them great.

Bpds has now got some immediate short term goals. He achieved his first one yesterday and that was to invest his earnings into a new pair of expensive tree surgeon boots. Next week is new safety trousers and hat. Following three weeks is to save for a further training course. He then has other hopes and plans.

He's doing brilliantly with his money. Whilst there's a lot of goals they are all realistic.

Feeling happy that my family is happy.

I feel a better parents so this makes me happy too.

I've lived for very many years feeling like a failure, I always seemed to get it wrong but now I know a better way. It's just lovely to have my sons at ease at this point.

We are all trying our best, we can all try a little harder. I say this a lot
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« Reply #111 on: August 23, 2016, 08:03:10 AM »

So wonderful Lollypop.

I hope that this attitude of ease and acceptance continues at home and your family continues to thrive.

lbj
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« Reply #112 on: August 29, 2016, 12:24:36 PM »

Hey Lollypop, thanks for sharing, that's fantastic news I am delighted for you and your family  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) 

So glad you found a 'better way' as you say and happiness you deserve. 
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« Reply #113 on: September 09, 2016, 04:52:09 PM »

I came back again to this site to get comfort from some behaviors from my BPD d that concern me.  Instead I would rather post a TLC that my d finished one of her online classes.
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« Reply #114 on: September 09, 2016, 07:57:59 PM »

Awesome news BPDmom1!  So happy to hear that your d is applying herself.

Praying that she continues to do so and finishes all of her classes up.
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« Reply #115 on: September 11, 2016, 11:25:07 AM »

Nice one BPDmom1... .hope this gives her confidence she can do it  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #116 on: September 11, 2016, 11:49:44 AM »

Following on from my thread earlier this summer, called crisis prevention ... .since re-introducing anti depressants end of July time the debilitating depression 28yr daughter battled against earlier in the summer is under control. So has her heightened anxiety around the fear of depression ... .subsided. Very proud she has been able to manage herself this through in every sense, she did it all (I listened, empathised and validated). We are in a better place today.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Last week she homed a 5 week old rescue kitten she has named Hope who brings much joy and comfort, self soothing ... .and full responsibility to her.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

 
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« Reply #117 on: October 25, 2016, 08:54:33 AM »

Nice update from radioguitarguy on his son's dual diagnosis recovery here.

 Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #118 on: November 02, 2016, 07:05:13 PM »

 Radioguitarguy, may you have many good days ahead, thank you for sharing 
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« Reply #119 on: November 03, 2016, 02:06:31 PM »

Last week my BPDs was having a hard time and he text me asking if he could speak privately to me. I sat listened, empathised and validated as he opened up telling me all about how he was feeling, struggles with friends and GF.  There was a celebratory weekend planned with all his friends and he made a wise mind decision not to go. He found it difficult to deal with his "friends" criticism as they just couldn't understand him when he told them "I'm not well enough for this, I don't feel well." I used the opportunity to encourage a step towards treatment, he promised he'd at least think about it.

I thought he might change his mind to go away at the weekend at the last minute but he held fast and he didn't go. Hallelujah! First wise mind decision I've ever known him to make.

Today he sat down with both me and H proudly saying how much money he's saved and what his short term plans are. He was happy and relaxed.

It warms my heart and today, it'll do me just fine.
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« Reply #120 on: November 03, 2016, 07:13:16 PM »

That's a brilliant breakthrough Lollypop, I can feel your sons relief!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #121 on: December 16, 2016, 06:54:34 PM »

I just realized I used the DEAR format to request a change in our family last night around scheduling, having it come naturally rather than intentionally going through and planning it. I tend to be terrible at thinking "now which tool can I use for this issue?" but rather practicing the concepts (since pre-BPD in my life... .) things become absorbed. Anyone else more like me? We have yet to see implementation, but I was encouraged by an open conversation on behavior that had upset me and my husband from our D19.
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« Reply #122 on: December 17, 2016, 07:29:23 PM »

InIndia - congrats to you,  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) while it takes us time to learn the tools, the break through moments are magic. WDx
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« Reply #123 on: February 11, 2017, 08:52:40 AM »

This is a three-fer TLC for SO's D19, SO, and me  Smiling (click to insert in post)

SO's D19 has had ongoing problems with roommates at college, followed by constant changes in her living situation. I can't keep up with who she is living with anymore 

Friendships seem to last 3 months and her living situations are equally unstable.

Last week, she texted SO with a long complaint about how her current roommates are telling her she has to move.

SO showed me the text, and with my BPD translator turned on  Being cool (click to insert in post) it looked like a full blast of emotion wrapped in a complaint about how her roommates were ganging up on her and blaming her for things she felt innocent of. 

Normally, SO tries to fix the problem, or lecture her on what to do, and that either causes D19 to regress (needy), or it offends her (makes her feel inadequate or invalidated).

This time, SO and I together thought through about the best way to respond. Or, SO asked me for support and I coached him   based on skills I've learned here.

SO wrote to D19, "How are you feeling about all of this?"

And D19 responded with another series of long texts, including one in which she proposed her own solution. Huzzah!

SO responded with, "I understand, I can see how that would feel very insulting." And, "I admire how you handled this -- your plan sounds good."

Usually these scenarios start with long texts packed with emotion (e.g. D19 is always the victim of some skirmish that seems a bit out there), with SO wanting to drop what he is doing so he can focus on her problem and fix things for her.

D19 would then get noticeably more dysregulated and start complaining about other unrelated things, then get mad at him, he would feel helpless and victimized and confused, and then she would call and they would talk on the phone for a long time, and he would wonder if he should drive up there (5 hours) to comfort her.

Not this time! She even came back with another plan that was downright level-headed.

Even though SO is not someone who will consider BPD for D19, I admire him for being willing to embrace new skills. He could've just responded in the way he usually does -- instead, he let himself be vulnerable with me and try something new.

I think D19's recent episode of suicidal ideation has SO more open to these skills. He sees how simple changes in what he says can create better outcomes, even if they don't repair D19's core problems.

I know there will be many, many more SOS texts from D19 and am learning to accept that.

Maybe one day these kinds of small wins will be second nature for SO and D19  Thought



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« Reply #124 on: April 25, 2017, 02:23:23 PM »

Hi There LNL

I'd say this was way more than a "small win"!

Just well done to you for demonstrating how it can be done. I'm pleased as punch for you.

I noticed this quote this morning and thought you'd like it:

"Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon them and to let them know that you trust them. ~ Booker T. Washington"

L
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« Reply #125 on: April 25, 2017, 03:36:24 PM »

Thanks Lollypop  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Perfect timing to read your quote!

I have found so much peace knowing that it is not my place to solve problems not of my own making.

Wish us well as we rev up for the summer when D20 returns. We will have D23 living with us, too, adding some new chemistry to the dynamic.

Always a rodeo here  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #126 on: September 17, 2017, 09:25:38 AM »

My good news is one month out of DBT my 29DD is doing great she says at the moment she feels better than she ever has, life feels good  Being cool (click to insert in post), she has the skills, knows them inside out  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

What warms my heart is my DD knows how to help herself 
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« Reply #127 on: September 21, 2017, 06:14:51 PM »

Good News:
I have a lot to be grateful for! I will list my gratitudes here: 
1. We found an intensive mental health program covered by our insurance that served my daughter in her time of need, right away, and gave her some safety/coping skills.
2. That program has offered her DBT, and while she initially turned it down, I found out about it in time to talk her into signing up for it.
3. She is usually in good spirits and not hateful these days, after a week long rage in August.
4. I found a Holistic Psychiatrist who comes to an office a couple hours away from our home once a month, and she will see my daughter a month from now.
5. While my daughter has rejected the therapist that I found for her, I have talked her into doing family counseling with me there, and hopefully we can come up with a crisis plan that will serve her well during her next rage episode.
6. My daughter has a wonderful, generous and forgiving boyfriend who lives on the other side of the world and is rarely hurt by her. So far I think she has remained loyal to him.
7. In the past my daughter has asked for help with her compulsive/addictive impulses. I pray that she will continue to do so.
8. I am educated enough to forgive my daughter for the rage and hatred that I experience from her, and while I feel misunderstood by others in my family who think I am too hard on her, or to whom she has complained about me, I think she understands how much I love her deep down, at this point in time.
9. I am educated enough not to sign my daughter up for psych meds willy nilly and later experience further trauma resulting from them.
10. My husband finally understands and accepts the truth about my relationship with my daughter--that I have been a "battered mom," behind the scenes, while my daughter has been acting like she is the victim of me. Wow. That's a big one.
 
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« Reply #128 on: September 24, 2017, 06:38:45 PM »

Oh my adoptivemama 

Wow, this is great news, tlc and breakthroughs.

You care and love your family deeply, I'm moved by and feel loved reading your news. 

Love to you, and big warm hugs. WDx
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« Reply #129 on: September 25, 2017, 02:35:47 AM »

A tiny thing to some but a good indication of the problem solving skills my DS is performing:

DS had a problem with his phone. I heard him arguing with it Saturday afternoon and I didn't offer any help. Amazingly, He still had the box and receipt for his phone. He checked and saw it was still under warranty. He tried to get it fixed and failed. He came home and was really calm and I think quietly pleased he'd at least been able to try.

He's also bought some 5htp to see if this helps his anxiety and sleep.

Two tiny events that would not have been possible 22 months ago. They are part of a bigger picture. The small things are important.

LP
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« Reply #130 on: December 26, 2017, 02:59:23 PM »

What a wonderful idea!
I have just found out that our DD19 has BPD so I am still "marinating" in the news. Having said that-it is quite difficult to see the good news in our daily dramas. This is making me think... .We had a stress free day for Christmas. As my husband said, he was most thankful that our DD was in good spirits. We all enjoyed each other's company for a full day.
As for today, DD and husband started out on a good note focusing on returning a watch she'd gotten from us that didn't work. Husband and I were relieved that she was able to handle the disappointment of a broken Christmas present. Ok-first world problems here, but I am going with her progress in handling disappointments.
Thanks for starting this thread. It is so nice reading about each others' small victories.
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« Reply #131 on: December 28, 2017, 06:57:19 AM »

Hey Daisy123

That's a great accomplishment and a nice memory for you, when days are tough that good days also come our way. Thanks for sharing.

WDx
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« Reply #132 on: December 30, 2017, 12:53:15 PM »

We had a good visit for 10 days with our BPDDD31, her partner M and their 4 week old son. There was mutual respect and not a single outburst. We had some confrontations and we each stepped back and were able to resolve without too much drama. I am in awe.

This has been a long journey and it is so nice to see the improvements in all our lives.

carol
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« Reply #133 on: January 14, 2018, 12:26:58 PM »

Happy new year everyone  

qcarolr I'm so glad your holiday went well for you and family, it's been a long journey, for you to see improvements in all of your lives is truly awesome! It is, it is, it is.  

My share is my daughter has reached out for support for help getting out of the house, volunteering, back into work. She's been prompted she's well to work, and initially she panicked, cried and I understand that, she's recovering from third degree burns. She's finding her way through.
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« Reply #134 on: January 15, 2018, 02:13:00 PM »

After a very difficult dinner out with my DD where she became very angry and loud, I was driving home and trying to keep my head together with her in the passenger seating being angry and verbally abusive. Quite suddenly a burst of tears broke through that I absolutely could not contain and I was so anxious that she would be angry at my emotional response. Instead, she grabbed my hand and pulled it into her lap and apologized. It was one of the most wonderful 60 seconds of my life.
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« Reply #135 on: January 16, 2018, 06:35:42 PM »

MommaCH

I read your breakthrough on the bus to work and wept with you in relief.  Our kids know we are in pain - letting them know helps them take on their responsibility, where they can work with us.

Wonderful 60 seconds grow here MCH, let's continue to share our sprouts  
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« Reply #136 on: March 31, 2018, 06:37:22 AM »

I had an all day talk yesterday with my BPD daughter and I tried to not react and only listen and validate.  I couldn't remember what SET stood for as I'd become nervous.  She talked about her splitting- didn't call it that but just the same.  She laid out pages of notes showing how I could earn back seeing the real her.  She admitted she's starting to be as robotic in school as she is at home and it's making her confused. This made me more scared but I just kept validating her own feelings.  And she was able to say more. 
I promised aloud like an oath to never hurt her feelings again.  I had to.  Reasoning doesn't work.  I've tried explaining that relationships have ups and downs and sometimes hurtful things are said and done and you can choose to forgive.  She just doesn't understand.  So I promised. 

Then she ran away when her father got home from work.  Her delusion of him is getting worse. But this is about breakthroughs and yesterday my girl admitted she loves me and wants to show me the love and joy in her world.  She admitted she'd like to go out and have fun and today we have a plan to go out.  Yes probably spending money but maybe a hike.  I've already set my limit on spending and she understands this.  So good luck to me and blessings to my friends out there practicing this journey with me.

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« Reply #137 on: April 02, 2018, 01:31:20 PM »

Faith, I love this special place dearly, it's been a great friend to me these last years, 'a little change' one small recognition, a tender loving caring moment changes all - have become huge triumphs for me over time and I wish for you and all here.

Yeh, your daughter is reaching out to you, you are listening. I'm a big listener now, what they need, my DD says double empathy works for her. My starting point, I stepped into my DD's shoes.

Your daughter loves you, I'm feeling her and your love   

Day by day.

WDx







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« Reply #138 on: April 05, 2018, 01:53:35 AM »

 

On Tuesday there was a family drama occurring in the north. I won’t go into this but the consequence was that both my sons found out. There was an air of intrigue in our home as my husband and I returned home from walking the dogs. They didn’t know what’d happened but knew something was wrong.

It was a family member who had behaved badly and shamefully. It has affected my MIL.

My husband left home to spend time with his friend, he was angry and upset and knew it would do him good.

I sat with both my young men in the kitchen and calmed the waters. We sat and talked for about an hour sharing our thoughts, feelings and got closer because of it. My eldest said he’d have loved to be nearer to our family. My youngest said he feels so disconnected from them he simply doesn’t care. He’s also jealous because there’s a lot of money there and obvious spending on things we can’t afford. They both felt sad because we’re just a family of four with one gran...

Somehow, I managed to validate both of them. My eldest was wonderful with his younger brother and said “when money’s given to you it’s just not the same, it’s so much better when you earn it yourself.”

I told them both “I’m glad we live where we live, it’s a beautiful place where people are gentler and you’ve both grown up here. I know it’s just us four but look at us, I feel so blessed.”

It was THE best thing I’ve ever been able to say to them.  I could feel that warm blanket of love and mutual support over us.

Youngest son is applying for a job today and I’ve no doubt it was because of my eldest.

My eldest has been researching high functioning autism. He’s looking for answers.

Thanks for reading.

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« Reply #139 on: April 05, 2018, 07:26:37 AM »

Thank you for sharing this nice story, LP!  Despite it all, you are a family that pulls together and supports each other when needed... .So reassuring and inspiring!    MM
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« Reply #140 on: April 06, 2018, 09:48:11 AM »

Wow LP, welling up here I'm feeling the love and gratitude ~ you are so deserving LP, this is what effective family leadership looks like to me, why we are here - I'm so proud of you, you've worked your socks off to turn things around, you deserve to feel the love, mutual support and gratitude of your family.  Peace to you
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« Reply #141 on: April 07, 2018, 02:32:17 AM »

My life, our lives, have altered so much since landing here in such a mess.

Thank the lord for this forum and lovely kind people showing me that I can trust my gut and show me the way in dark times 
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« Reply #142 on: May 30, 2018, 10:15:22 PM »

I'm not a long term believer, but in fairness i am going to post here.

My SD who i look after, an have mostly,

has just been through a breakup with no major dysregulation, (nor did she quit her job after seeing a psychic)

often says sorry to me now, ( in fact the other day i said, no need i understand )

and just asked me to go to a show with her since she now has a spare ticket (the ex's)

I've been painted white before, so i don't expect it to last but live in the moment hey!

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« Reply #143 on: May 31, 2018, 01:17:34 PM »

Hi SlyQQ  Smiling (click to insert in post) ~ exactly, hey live in the moment as you say, I'm right there with you  Being cool (click to insert in post) Wow that's four successes for you and your SD, these good times are important to celebrate here together, we all work our butts off and every ray counts and means so much. I love this thread and I'm glad you shared your good news here for us all, as it is significant for you, we care you are feeling relief in this moment in a mindful way.  

It's wonderful to hear your daughter is being thoughtful right now of your feelings and you. Can I ask what the show is?

WDx
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« Reply #144 on: May 31, 2018, 10:36:07 PM »

A comedy duo old reunited after long break, saw there show ten years ago on their farewell tour,

I keep shaking my head re Sd, there are still regular explosions but they last thirty seconds ,
a short cool off and everything good,  

anyway love an life to everyone now is all that counts.
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« Reply #145 on: October 03, 2018, 02:49:39 PM »

Thanks for the reminder to focus on the positive stuff. I often obsess over the negative and it gets me down.

I had to wrack my brain for something to post here because everything I thought of seemed insignificant. A lot of, "yeah, but" going on in my brain here. Like this:

I was in bed by 8pm last night (yeah, but I'm sick so it wasn't by choice)

So here is one positive that I see as just that, positive - - no yeah buts.

My daughter is supremely pissed off at me because I called CPS after her son told me she hits him on top of the head and kicks him on his legs when she is angry.

Yesterday, she admitted that she had been neglecting him. Today she is more engaged with him.

As for me, I'm trying to respect her request to "back off and let me parent my son," without rejecting my grandson.

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« Reply #146 on: October 07, 2018, 10:13:08 AM »

Small wins count- I’ve got to memorialize those baby steps so that I remember them! It’s hard to see progress when we are in the thick of things.
Baby steps of my DD 20. Yesterday, she bathed. She had a short episode of nausea and the skin creepy crawlers afterwards. I just recommended that she lay down and rest. So she did.

Another baby step - she actually drove herself to her BFs home. She’s been reluctant to go anywhere so it was good to see her get out of the house.

Lastly, she returned safely with my car on time. She was running late so I gave her a quick ring and she actually picked up her mobile. Small improvements-
So now I’m going to try and get her out of the house today and actually sit in a restaurant... .we shall see if she’s up to that!

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« Reply #147 on: October 13, 2018, 12:44:44 PM »

Today my daughter apologized for projecting, said she was frustrated that things weren't going the way she thought they would be going this morning, and she admitted that she took it out on me.   

~ OH
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« Reply #148 on: December 30, 2018, 11:24:28 PM »

Over the last couple of days I've heard the following from DD25:

"I know my yelling at (son's name) is not helping."

"What I've been doing isn't working so I'm looking for different ways." (in regard to disciplining her son)

Today, I witnessed her being very very patient with GS4 while he was getting dressed. Rather than lose it, she calmly told him, "You can get your pants on now or you can go into your room until you're ready to get dressed." (He went into his room and came out shortly after and put on his pants)

 

~ OH
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« Reply #149 on: January 03, 2019, 03:23:11 AM »

Warms my heart OH to hear your DD exploring different approaches, gaining confidence she can be the Mom her son needs

Small steps, you're on it OH 
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« Reply #150 on: January 03, 2019, 11:15:06 AM »

Thanks WD, it's slow going, but it's going.

I'm here with another:

It's Thursday and I'm working from home. I woke up around 6:15 and heard GS in the living room but didn't hear DD. I got up and GS was enjoying a self-served breakfast of chocolate syrup in a cup, haha.

I hung out with him, talking and loving him. I asked, "Did you wake mommy up?" He replied, "Yes, she told me to go back to bed but I got up again!"

Soon after, DD came out, grumpy, ranting loudly, but not yelling, "This is ridiculous, he goes to bed at 8, he got up at midnight, then 5am, now he's up at 6:30. I can't get any sleep, no matter what time I go to bed (she was up at midnight when I went to bed), I'm sick of it."

Me: You're tired, I get that.

DD: Yes, I'm tired. I'm always tired, he just needs to sleep, it's ridiculous.

GS: Oh no, memaw! Help mommy feel better!

Me: Yes, GS, mommy is upset, but she needs to make herself feel better.

GS: Okay! (then talking about something else)

DD was silent, looking at her phone. <--this is good news #1: She refrained from escalating.

GS wanted to play Go Fish, I asked DD if she'd like to join and she declined. GS got very excited and loud a couple of times, DD kept silent. <---this is good news #2: Usually a loud GS results in counting by DD, frustration by GS, then a take-five.

I am back at work in my room and heard the following exchange:

GS: You're my favorite, mommy!

DD: I know that's not true but I'll take it.

GS: It is true, you're my favorite right now.

DD: Oh, right now, okay. (laughs) I'll take that. You're my favorite too. Can I be your favorite forever?

GS: No, memaw is my favorite forever.

DD: (giggles) that makes sense.

GS: I'm going to marry memaw someday.

DD: You're going to marry memaw someday? That's so cute, GS.

Validation coming from DD to GS? I'll take it for good news #3!

I've heard DD saying things like, "Good job," "Way to go," sporadically. She has often told me she doesn't praise him because when she does, GS immediately does something bad.

Modeling works.

~ OH
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« Reply #151 on: January 03, 2019, 01:03:58 PM »

Today is a really good day and I'm here with another.

GS and I went next door to check the neighbor's mail. Since we had picked a lemon from her tree the other day to give to DD to put down the stinky garbage disposal, GS wanted to pick another, "for mommy," so we did.

It was a few minutes before wind-down time when we came back inside and GS wanted to wash the lemon.

DD: No, we're not washing the lemon now, I'll wash it later, it's almost wind-down time.

GS: I'll wash it really really quick.

DD: I know this is really hard for you, but I'm not washing the lemon now.

GS: (visibly upset, grunting) I'll wash it myself!

DD: I know this is really hard for you, we can wash it after your nap.

GS: (no longer upset) Ok. 

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« Reply #152 on: January 07, 2019, 08:25:32 AM »

Today I got up without hitting the snooze button four times. GS got up a few minutes after I did but didn't wake DD up. I went out to the kitchen to greet GS and after a few minutes I said, "Ok, let's go wake mommy up, I have to get ready to go to work."

Me: (cheerfully) Good morning DD.

GS: (cheerfully) Good morning DD.

Me: Silly, I call her DD, but you call her mommy.

GS: (cheerfully) Good morning mommy.

DD got up without complaining.

~ OH
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« Reply #153 on: January 07, 2019, 07:57:33 PM »

OH, go you   

My favourite thread, one I've shared my gratitude. Celebrating those wonderful moments, yep you got out of the house with calm!

And again OH

WDx
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« Reply #154 on: January 08, 2019, 09:04:45 PM »

Last night, DD and I painted rocks together and enjoyed each other's company.

~ OH
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« Reply #155 on: January 09, 2019, 09:51:57 PM »

OH - small things, beautiful things, something to hope for and aspire to.

THANKS!

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« Reply #156 on: January 19, 2019, 12:00:47 PM »

I wake up with GS4 on Saturdays so DD can sleep in. She usually stays in bed until after we leave the house for whatever activity we're doing. This morning, she woke up about 90 minutes after we woke up and joined us in the living room saying, "I missed you guys and wanted to come out. I might fall back asleep but don't worry if I do, I like listening to you having fun."

She also told me, "I want you to know that I really enjoy sleeping in, thank you for waking up with GS on Saturdays."

I've been working overtime every day this week. I woke up this morning to a text from DD:

DD: Oh no! I forgot to tell you I made you a bacon cheeseburger. It's in the fridge, the plate with the foil on it. I'm so sad I forgot, now it's ruined.

This morning she told me she wanted me to have something delicious to eat after working such long days all week. She started crying that she forgot to tell me about it. I thanked her, told her I really appreciated her thinking of me and doing something so nice for me.

(I'm sure the cheeseburger will be delicious for lunch)

I love her.

~ OH
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« Reply #157 on: January 21, 2019, 03:21:56 AM »

Oh OH this is wonderful news, your caring and thoughtful girl 
I'm so happy for you 
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« Reply #158 on: February 09, 2019, 06:04:21 AM »

Thursday night my DD wrote on social media 
Just finished my last session of DBT at xxx All of us who were part of the group are SO sad it’s over. But what a wonderful & valuable 20 weeks. Not only have we learned skills; we’ve all accomplished so much in so little time. Big love to therapists XX & XX

Keep going DD.
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« Reply #159 on: February 12, 2019, 03:14:39 PM »

That's so awesome, WD! Your DD is growing in leaps and bounds, an inspiration to us all 

~ OH
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« Reply #160 on: February 13, 2019, 04:53:10 AM »

Thanks OH, you are right she is growing in leaps and bounds and importantly she recognises she needs to keep going. So the Q is what next, I hope to be back here with another    sometime sharing her next step.
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« Reply #161 on: February 26, 2019, 06:13:35 PM »

Hello to all ..
Im happy to say I had a good visit with my grandkids.. It was only three hours but we had a blast.. The most important thing to me was that my D initiated the visit..
 I was especially encouraged that MY D drove to my house with the kids.. 3 hrs no and then drove them home. We acted as if nothing had happened..  When I went through my div 20 yrs ago...I used to give my daughter little black bears.. I would say.. "Some days u get the bear ...some days the bear gets u.. I just handed her the bear and she smiled.  Im believing this bear will be gotten with more understanding on my part.
Im believing that its the beginning of restoration for us and more understanding on my part. Thank u to all who sent me info.. Im not walking on eggshells for the first time because Im becoming educated.. I am still reading and learning and trying to live in the middle of the Karpman triangle.. So Im still working. on not enabling, not rescuing and not being the perpetrator..My faith is encouraged.. Thank u all who sent me info... There is HOPE because we see all the good and ignore the negative... thats what im doing.. Im very happy to have been reunited with my grandkids and we all had a great three hrs of love and fun.. Im hoping for more time next time and expecting..
Much Love Hope
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« Reply #162 on: February 28, 2019, 03:03:01 PM »

Yes!  Hope...   

And special bear moment, connection means a lot to both of you. I get that, very empowering.

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« Reply #163 on: February 28, 2019, 03:05:36 PM »

9pm here in my world. My DD was invited to a review meeting by the charity she recently completed a 20 week refresher of DBT skills. She’s there now! Her challenge is she’s meeting with the consultant she had to stand up to back in October and be accountable to., he to her too.

Stay in wisemind DD, I think he’s got you, you him too.

Getting there is a triumph    

I'm hoping this another great turning point for DD. All crossed! I'm in listening mode.
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« Reply #164 on: March 13, 2019, 02:57:21 PM »

A TLC... My DD16 does not like rules, and is constantly breaking them - or trying to.   We don't have many rules, but one that we have been holding to is regarding the phones.  At 9pm she must hand over her cell phone - and at 10pm she must be off the house phone.  Otherwise she will be on one or the other it all night and she really really needs her sleep.  It makes a huge difference in her behavior.   This can sometimes become a huge blow up with swearing and yelling (I hate to admit all three of us -DD, me and DH).
Last night I asked her for the cell phone at 9.  She brought it down about 5 minutes later and plugged it in to charge, and kept using it.  I asked her to please shut it down.  She refused.  She was waiting to hear if her BF could come to dinner tonight at our house.  I told her I didn't need an answer then, in the am or even in the afternoon was fine.  She kept going and checking the phone and using it.  I got up, unplugged the phone and powered it down.   The yelling began.  I did not engage, I did not defend myself, I didn't argue with her, nor did my husband.  I made a couple of validating statements - but it didn't help. I went to go upstairs to get ready for bed and she started following me - yelling and swearing.  So I quietly said " I need to go out for awhile", got the car keys and left (with her phone) .  I knew she wouldn't yell and scream at her Dad - and she didn't.  I just went around the block and parked across the street.  My husband and I texting, so we both would be aware of what was going on.  In the half hour + I was out, she called me 32 times!  I answered once - and she started yelling and swearing at me.   She left me a few voice mails - in the last one she didn't yell, didn't swear - so I called her back.  She asked me when I was coming home, said she had to text her BF, I told her she couldn't use the cell phone, but she had 10 more minutes to use the house phone if she wanted to call him - that wasn't acceptable to her.  So she started swearing at me again - so I calmly said something like " I will not be talked to this way, goodbye", hung up the phone.  I went back into the house just before 10pm - the time when she needs to give us the house phone (land line).   I went up to her bedroom asked her for the phone - she had thrown it across the room (before I got in there) and it was on the floor.  I took it, said good night, she yelled at me, called me some choice words and she wasn't going to school in the morning, and wasn't going to therapy today and I couldn't make her. I didn't say anything other than  said goodnight, and I turned off her light.   
 
I went downstairs and my husband and I spent the next 30 minutes or so quietly talking. She came down once to get a snack, made some rude remark and went back upstairs. We checked on her before we went to bed, her light was back on but she was sleeping.     

I am so proud of both my husband and I - we didn't argue with her, we didn't cave in, and we didn't make things worse.  Things calmed down in under an 90 minutes     This morning she got up, went to school and she is currently at her therapy appointment while I sit waiting and typing this.       

It is a small step, but considering at least one night each week we are in chaos for hours often until after midnight with everyone yelling, and her threatening to run away - for me this is huge. 

We have been practicing mindfullness everyday - which I think is helping.
Also reading the information on this site, reading what everyone shares, has also been a huge help.  THANK YOU!
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« Reply #165 on: March 13, 2019, 03:53:12 PM »

  SOD and H, this is truly heartening news, pleased you've experienced a small break through.  

Excerpt
I am so proud of both my husband and I - we didn't argue with her, we didn't cave in, and we didn't make things worse.  Things calmed down in under an 90 minutes  Smiling     This morning she got up, went to school and she is currently at her therapy appointment while I sit waiting and typing this.
 

Calm, firm and loving  

Keep going.

WDx



    
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« Reply #166 on: March 18, 2019, 10:13:20 PM »

Excerpt
This morning she got up, went to school and she is currently at her therapy appointment while I sit waiting and typing this.

Wow SOD! I'm here to celebrate with you - way to go!  

WD - you and your DD inspire me every day. I want to be you when I grow up  

~ OH
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« Reply #167 on: March 24, 2019, 02:41:34 AM »

Thanks for posting this thread! This is very encouraging to me. Looking forward to when I can add to this thread.
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« Reply #168 on: March 28, 2019, 01:26:28 AM »

Thanks for posting this thread! This is very encouraging to me. Looking forward to when I can add to this thread.

We look forward to it too, stampingt1! Sometimes I have to reach deep for something but focusing on even the tiniest little change (TLC) can set my mind on the right path, or bring it back from the brink =)

~ OH
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« Reply #169 on: April 14, 2019, 04:21:42 PM »

I'm here to share a text exchange with my DD25. As you may or may not know from my posts, one of the things that really sets me off is my DD's yelling/raging. I have been consistent with asking her to "please lower your voice," when she does this and have not been swayed by her even louder/more rage-y responses to my requests.

She's started to take her yelling into the garage, which is not ideal as I wonder just how long it will take before a neighbor calls the police for the disturbance. The upside is that I don't have to hear it (as loudly) and can more easily practice acts of self-care while it's going on.

The frequency of yelling/rages has decreased significantly with a few instances a month rather than several instances a week. DD is struggling with some online drama as well as the regular push-pull of her romantic relationship. On Thursday night, and into the wee hours of Friday morning, DD was screaming at her BF over the phone for hours. At one point I just walked out into the garage and looked at her without saying anything. The conversation ended shortly thereafter and all was quiet.

Saturday mornings, I wake up with GS4 and spend the morning with him, put him down for his nap, allowing DD to sleep in and get a break. Yesterday, as GS and I were hanging out, we heard DD yelling/cussing in her room on the phone. GS frantically headed toward her bedroom and said, "I have to make sure mommy's ok!" DD walked out and lovingly said, "I'm ok, GS, I'm just angry, thank you for caring about me but it's not your concern, I'll be ok." Then she took her conversation out to the garage. She didn't get too loud and about an hour later this text exchange happened:

DD: I appreciate you a lot I know I'm not easy right now.

DD: And I'm sorry I can't stop yelling.

DD: I'm trying to stay out here when I do. I know it's not enough.

Me: Thanks. I appreciate you not yelling this morning. It helped me to keep GS centered. I know you are trying and I know it's not easy. I love you no matter what.

~ OH
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« Reply #170 on: April 15, 2019, 03:14:10 AM »

OH
Excerpt
The frequency of yelling/rages has decreased significantly with a few instances a month rather than several instances a week
This is impressive!  

What a thoughtful, caring and honest text.  

Go you OH!  and here's to ever increasing peace in your home     
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« Reply #171 on: August 10, 2019, 12:27:50 PM »

Well, the second round of DBT seems to be helping my 27-year-old daughter.  When I told her I was getting ready to start a new teaching position she asked me “how do you feel about that? “And I smiled to myself because I’ve never heard her use that kind of DBT language before.  I also noticed her doing rhythmic tapping on herself two different times with two different kinds of tappings. I had never seen her do that before as a way to calm herself.   One more good thing is that I was so focused on her enormous weight gain from her medications that I neglected to notice her acne cleared up now that she has completed her hormone shots for endometriosis.  Thanks for this thread and the reminder to look for good things every day!
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« Reply #172 on: August 11, 2019, 08:08:54 AM »

Wow, what a breakthrough, that must have felt so good Trust5   I learnt progress is incredibly subtle. My DD has said you can learn DBT, the struggle is to implement and use consistently. Your DD is showing her determination! She's on her way

   
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