Everything you say can be hurtful to BPDp

[startrekuser]

Does anybody else find that when discussing a relationship issue with a BPD that everything you say is hurtful?  With my wife, if I don't add "loving" statements to everything I say, she feels hurt.  Everything is spun into me being hurtful.  She tells me that if only I had approached the issue <her way> she would have felt so wonderful and loving towards me.  Her way is always so expressive and something I never would have thought of in a millions years.  I'm not a very expressive man, even for a man, so I feel like she's expecting something from me that is not me.  It sounds more like something a woman would say.  Of course, if I don't say things the way she expected to, she is hurt and says "why didn't you say it this way"?

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[formflier]

Does anybody else find that when discussing a relationship issue with a BPD that everything you say is hurtful?  With my wife, if I don't add "loving" statements to everything I say, she feels hurt.  Everything is spun into me being hurtful.  She tells me that if only I had approached the issue <her way> she would have felt so wonderful and loving towards me.  Her way is always so expressive and something I never would have thought of in a millions years.  I'm not a very expressive man, even for a man, so I feel like she's expecting something from me that is not me.  It sounds more like something a woman would say.  Of course, if I don't say things the way she expected to, she is hurt and says "why didn't you say it this way"?

Have you read the lessons on communication?

Instead of "adding" loving statements to what you say... .what would be a different way of approaching the communication?

Hint:  You have already pointed out that this might not be "natural" for you... .

[AnnaK]

I also used to feel my bf is requesting way too much from me, but often after some time I am becoming more willing to adjust. Similar requests. Take a timeout and consider it - including some partial compromise - initially without any specific intention to change, like in a research mood. It includes doing the googling and the relevant readings.

After all, if it indeed makes her feel better, why not give in an inch?

[DreamFlyer99]

Startrekuser,

I too found it true that I couldn't really say stuff "right." I think so much of that comes from a pwBPD feeling constantly "unheard." (whether or not that's true.) That's where the communication tools come in handy, like the SET one-- support, empathize, truth. It softens and makes palatable the way we speak to someone run by a constant fear of abandonment.

I do find that sometimes it doesn't make a difference how I say things, that's also dependent on my husband's mood, like with anybody on a bad day. Overall though we can make a difference.

When she asks you "why didn't you say it this way?" what are the basic points she's making in what she says? Is it kindness, being heard, or what seems to be the theme?

[waverider]

I had this drama early in my RS, it was before I knew anything about BPD.

Focusing on accepting others as individuals who express ourselves differently is a better way to live than saying what is deemed "appropriate" and hence never being really sure how real that expression may be at any given time. Using this principle my partner now accepts me as being less expressive.

Of course it helps to learn to phrase things more expressively. It is making the effort that is more important than anything, the previous point is about not allowing the benchmark to be moved, and taking some pressure off you.

Being constantly "hurt' can also become a means of guilting you, so at the end of the day as long as you are doing your best it is not completely all your problem

[MissyM]

I understand how hard it is to communicate with a BPD.  I am really practicing Radical Acceptance that I do have to communicate differently.  The way I communicate works with the other people in my life but doesn't work for my dBPDh.  for a long time I was stuck in how unfair this was.  The truth is it is unfair but that doesn't help me or change anything.  I am going to do a 12 week course for partners of BPDs that will start in October, to help me with my communication skills.  The truth is, my dBPDh is emotionally sensitive and that isn't going to change by me getting upset about it.

[DreamFlyer99]

What a great course MissyM! I hope it's as good as it sounds.

[formflier]

I understand how hard it is to communicate with a BPD.  I am really practicing Radical Acceptance that I do have to communicate differently.  The way I communicate works with the other people in my life but doesn't work for my dBPDh.  for a long time I was stuck in how unfair this was.  The truth is it is unfair but that doesn't help me or change anything.  I am going to do a 12 week course for partners of BPDs that will start in October, to help me with my communication skills.  The truth is, my dBPDh is emotionally sensitive and that isn't going to change by me getting upset about it.

Can you tell us more about this course?   Who puts it on? 

Anyone else taken something like this?

[MissyM]

I found the information through researching Fruzetti.  My dBPDh and I are working with a DBT therapist that is using The High Conflict Couple.  Our therapist communicates with someone on Fruzetti's team.  The link to Family Connections  is www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/family-connections/

They have these courses all over the US.  You just need to contact them and find out if they have one in your area.  I am looking forward to doing this.  My dBPDh got defensive about it but I just told him I wasn't asking his permission, that I was just letting him know I intended to take it.  He seemed to accept that.

[DreamFlyer99]

Sounds great! Be sure to share how it goes. There will be many many interested people here waiting to hear!

[Rapt Reader]

For a long time I was stuck in how unfair this was.  The truth is it is unfair but that doesn't help me or change anything.  I am going to do a 12 week course for partners of BPDs that will start in October, to help me with my communication skills.  The truth is, my dBPDh is emotionally sensitive and that isn't going to change by me getting upset about it.

That is so wise, and true, MissyM 

I, also, will be looking forward to your thread about that 12 week course, once you take it 

[CantMakeSenseOfIt]

I find this is very true.

If I approach it by trying understand her perspective, she closes down with negative statements like "it's all bad" or just walks away.

If I approach it by expressing my perspective, she says I don't understand her. I can say "Are you feeling X and Y and Z right now?" And by knowing her, she will be feeling exactly those things... .She'll either become a two year old and take off saying "you don't know me!" or come back with some BS random thing.

If I approach it by trying to be objective, I get a blank stare. Literally, a blank stare like I didn't say anything.

I'm so sick and tired of having her brutal statements be "just me being honest" and "just the way I am" and "you just don't know how to take me" but when I say anything at all, it's yelling or tears or divorce or silence.

Man, what a one way road this life is.