Finally closing the door What would be the final straw to make it end for good?

[Rifka]

Hi everybody

This has been quite the journey through what I could only imagine the proverbial hell must be!

I had given my exBPDbf a letter explain how he had disrespected me and my values . I expressed that if the same thing ever happened again, since he was completely aware of how much hurt and pain and deception it had cause me already, this would be the last straw. I would leave and never turn back to be disrespected again. How many times would I let this man basically slap me in the face and return for more? I would be encouraging that behavior.

It happened again, he tried to lie and cover his indiscretion again with a hundred lies to cover the one big one. I knew the truth, but wanted him to confess! It took days to get it out, but finally I got the truth that I knew all along!

I asked why there had to be so many lies.

I remember the words that he wrote. " sometimes you have to tell people lies because that is what they really want to hear"

My head was about to explode like in the cartoons.

I could not believe that an adult could actually believe such wrong information, especially about me.

I am brutally honest all of the time, no bs white lie crap, always the truth!

My door to walk was standing open before me and I took the handle and dragged myself through it!

I have not looked back for any reasons except to reflect why I allowed this, why did it happen, and now what do I need to pick myself off of the floor I let myself be a mop to!

I am so thankful for all of the guidance, knowledge, support and genuine concern for me here.

I have pulled strength from so many of you and for that I offer the same in return.

Hugs to you all!

SO WHEN WILL ENOUGH, BE ENOUGH?

[LettingGo14]

SO WHEN WILL ENOUGH, BE ENOUGH?

Hello Rifka -- thank you for supporting so many here.  Here's how I ultimately arrived at an answer.

It's humbling to suffer -- especially such personal pain -- but it proves, oftentimes, to be a learning experience.   Suffering wakes us up.

"Enough" for me meant I stopped waiting for something "outside" of me to change.  Yes, I was hurt by another person -- and I was angry.   And I felt traumatized.

But -- and this took some time -- I decided that things happen [whether traumatic relationship with pwBPD, a car crash, a job loss, or insert life altering event].   And, I wasn't going to let someone else -- or the loss of someone else -- define me.

I let go of thinking I could have changed her, or done something differently.  I decided to stop looking for labels for myself, and I was just going to sit with all the raw, cr*ppy emotions.   

I now think that the heart and mind can be trained.  What you think & ponder on will, or can, become your inclination.  It's not about a pwBPD anymore for me -- it's about how I relate to whatever I'm feeling.

Hope that makes some sense. 

You are doing good work.

[Rifka]

Letting go,

Thank you ! 

I wholeheartedly feel this is and will be a really hard learning experience, that I will walk away a better person for living and learning it.

I am very proactive in healing and moving forward for me and myself.

Today I even visited the Gyno to check and make sure that that I don't have any diseases in case he did indeed have sex with others during our relationship.

I would rather be safe than sorry and possibly find out when I could do nothing about it.

I know that's extreme since I have no symptoms or signs of anything, but I need to leave no stones unturned to be able to start fresh when the time comes. I would not want to go into anything else without know the facts for my own health.

Thank you for sharing your experience. Humbling is a great word after the fact and some time and healing have past.

Your thoughts are pretty on key for my thoughts on all of this.

At this point nothing is about him anymore, not because I am angry, but because he took up enough time and his meter expired!

I really think a lot lately why I really don't feel any urges to contact when most people struggle to fight the urge.

Stubborn nature of myself to go against something I set my mind to?

I'm sure I will still have many ah ha moments as time goes forward.

I am learning more every day, mostly about myself.

I have taken full responsibility in my part of all of this turmoil for the past almost year, including the recovery time.

I'm not blaming myself, just giving myself a break for not knowing about BPD and for being being trusting and loving.

I do blame myself for accepting anybodies poor behavior and not putting a stop to it sooner.

Maybe I needed to be in it for as long as I was to be able to know the true power of BPD.

I would not have learned properly from reading about it. I believe this is something you have to feel to completely understand.

For that I am humbled!

[Witchway]

SO WHEN WILL ENOUGH, BE ENOUGH?

Hi Rifka,

The fact that you are asking the question is significant. It's rational... .

Maybe you know you have got to that stage - Unfortunately our emotions keep us stuck. I think acceptance is a big one - it that allows us to move on and concentrate on ourselves.

Big hug back.

[Rifka]

SO WHEN WILL ENOUGH, BE ENOUGH?

Hi Rifka,

The fact that you are asking the question is significant. It's rational... .

Maybe you know you have got to that stage - Unfortunately our emotions keep us stuck. I think acceptance is a big one - it that allows us to move on and concentrate on ourselves.

Big hug back.

Thank you which way,

I was curious what each person here on the thread felt could jolt them to finally stop accepting so much hurt from the exes.

I shared my story of what made it happen for me.

For myself, I am really good, no desire for contact, no thought or care about anything to do with him except making sure that there is no reason for any contact at all. I selfishly turned this into healing me, my crusade to my sanity and my beautiful, caring, loving, funny me!

I'm back with the desire to keep learning, keep experiencing life and all it has to offer, to one day love openly again.

Looking for red flags is going to be something new for me, so is walking away from what I may not know is bigger than me and hazardous to my health.

[Witchway]

I think that's it... .the realisation that we are just not going to take any more hurt. Enoughjavascript:void(0); IS enough. And caring for ouselves is not selfish, we're actually being kind to ourselves, doing ourselves one hell of a good turn in fact. I'm like you, concentrating on experiencing the good in life (and it is out there). And it feels good.

I haven't dipped my toe in the dating scene yet, definitely not ready for that just yet. But this time around I will definitely pay heed to any   's, along with 'gut' feelings. I will trust my intuition. I do wonder though if I'll be too wary? Only time will tell.

[Tolou]

for me eenough was my dignity self-esteem selfrespect all being compromised my reputation my sanity myself love etc. it was all about her and me accepting this  is not healthy and I can't sacrifice my own life for someone who isn't rational who can't apologize who can't won't take any responsibility. enough was when she told me she lied about cancer, that was my final straw it helped me stay n.c. for over a year now, no remorse or empathy. enough was when  I can't receive love and respect from someone if I don't demand it from me. enough was when  I finally said wait what about me? that felt healthy thanks!

[Rifka]

for me eenough was my dignity self-esteem selfrespect all being compromised my reputation my sanity myself love etc. it was all about her and me accepting this  is not healthy and I can't sacrifice my own life for someone who isn't rational who can't apologize who can't won't take any responsibility. enough was when she told me she lied about cancer, that was my final straw it helped me stay n.c. for over a year now, no remorse or empathy. enough was when  I can't receive love and respect from someone if I don't demand it from me. enough was when  I finally said wait what about me? that felt healthy thanks!

Tolou,


That is fantastic!

One year for you, how wonderful you must feel! Alive again! Free!

Success stories are great for everybody here to pull from and know there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel!

Maybe getting totally pissed off might be the answer!

You know what they say " better to be pissed off than pissed on" I like to make jokes!

Thank you for posting and adding strength to the thread!

Continued love and peace to you!

Rifka

[Rifka]

I think that's it... .the realisation that we are just not going to take any more hurt. Enoughjavascript:void(0); IS enough. And caring for ouselves is not selfish, we're actually being kind to ourselves, doing ourselves one hell of a good turn in fact. I'm like you, concentrating on experiencing the good in life (and it is out there). And it feels good.

I haven't dipped my toe in the dating scene yet, definitely not ready for that just yet. But this time around I will definitely pay heed to any   's, along with 'gut' feelings. I will trust my intuition. I do wonder though if I'll be too wary? Only time will tell.

Good for you, it sounds like you are on your way in the right direction.

I'm taking a dating break myself!

Going out a lot and having a blast. Dancing until my feet hurt, singing until I have no voice, and laughing until I cry ( or pee) I'm getting older!

Rifka

[Witchway]

I'm actually getting told off again at work for singing. It's a good sign... .I sing when I'm happy.

As for the peeing... .Not quite there yet ! 

[Rifka]

I'm actually getting told off again at work for singing. It's a good sign... .I sing when I'm happy.

As for the peeing... .Not quite there yet ! 

. That great! The singing part, okay the other part too!

[Tolou]

Thanks rif .  I gave myself an ultimatum and though  I  have times where  I wad or am pissed it's mostly disappointment. it's an unfortunate situation to speak to someone and feel like your not getting through, it makes you question yourself . however  I know when something or someone is just not good or healthy for me, from that point on it becomes a choice, a choice that sometimes is most painful and difficult but correctly made. we lead to associate negative feelings with bad decisions but sometimes the right things feel bad too and that doesn't make it wrong. much love!

[Rifka]

Thanks rif .  I gave myself an ultimatum and though  I  have times where  I wad or am pissed it's mostly disappointment. it's an unfortunate situation to speak to someone and feel like your not getting through, it makes you question yourself . however  I know when something or someone is just not good or healthy for me, from that point on it becomes a choice, a choice that sometimes is most painful and difficult but correctly made. we lead to associate negative feelings with bad decisions but sometimes the right things feel bad too and that doesn't make it wrong. much love!

Thank you and yes you are right and I feel the same about making choices. It's very hard, but peaceful. My eyes don't burn all of the time from crying so much anymore. It's a relief to not have to constantly be on the defense, and hear lies after lies! I am so done with all of that!

Good for you to have put that plan in motion!

[Loveofhislife]

What an uplifting thread on a dark day--will not to be a buzz kill; instead I thank you for demonstrating healthy thinking and coping. The door that I have closed is an intellectual one; I am yet waiting for the emotional door to close. As I wrote last night, there continues to be conflict between an inner child who loves and misses him and an adult who says there was never a chance you could/would stay with him. I took Joe Carver's quiz today online, "Are you dating a loser?" Personally, I hate that term, but I scored very high in the zone that indicated I would be very hurt if I stayed in that relationship. I WILL not to hurt (that quiz was good "close the door" validation) but there is an inner child who hurts for exbfBPD and longs for him and loves him. How do I help HER close the door?

[Lolster]

The straw that broke the camels back for me was allowing him some time around my child with his own child, and both of them having zero respect for either of our boundaries.  God, i was even annoyed that they encroached on my dogs boundaries, .

Maybe i need to consider in the future why i don't value my own boundaries even as highly as my dogs to begin with!

[Rifka]

The straw that broke the camels back for me was allowing him some time around my child with his own child, and both of them having zero respect for either of our boundaries.  God, i was even annoyed that they encroached on my dogs boundaries, .

Maybe i need to consider in the future why i don't value my own boundaries even as highly as my dogs to begin with!

Lolster,

Yes you do need to consider your boundaries because they define how far we choose to let others go before we retaliate! Most of us here buried our boundaries and forgot that we had any at all by the end. I'm here to say that my line is back In The sand and it's deep so that they decide to fall in and not me the next time.

You can do it too!

It's not a maybe, it's a necessity

Welcome to the thread!

[Rifka]

What an uplifting thread on a dark day--will not to be a buzz kill; instead I thank you for demonstrating healthy thinking and coping. The door that I have closed is an intellectual one; I am yet waiting for the emotional door to close. As I wrote last night, there continues to be conflict between an inner child who loves and misses him and an adult who says there was never a chance you could/would stay with him. I took Joe Carver's quiz today online, "Are you dating a loser?" Personally, I hate that term, but I scored very high in the zone that indicated I would be very hurt if I stayed in that relationship. I WILL not to hurt (that quiz was good "close the door" validation) but there is an inner child who hurts for exbfBPD and longs for him and loves him. How do I help HER close the door?

You can help her by accepting it all, knowing that you can't fix them, we can only fix us!

Grab that door handle and come on the other side. It's much better here, I promise. Come when you can or visit periodically. All are welcome here!

[amigo]

What an uplifting thread on a dark day--will not to be a buzz kill; instead I thank you for demonstrating healthy thinking and coping. The door that I have closed is an intellectual one; I am yet waiting for the emotional door to close. As I wrote last night, there continues to be conflict between an inner child who loves and misses him and an adult who says there was never a chance you could/would stay with him. I took Joe Carver's quiz today online, "Are you dating a loser?" Personally, I hate that term, but I scored very high in the zone that indicated I would be very hurt if I stayed in that relationship. I WILL not to hurt (that quiz was good "close the door" validation) but there is an inner child who hurts for exbfBPD and longs for him and loves him. How do I help HER close the door?

wow, I feel exactly what you are writing, loveofhislife. I am also not quite ready to close the emotional door for good. In fact I am struggling, because today is my birthday, of course I haven't heard from him, and tomorrow is his birthday and I am so tempted to send him a nice message.

either way, I am also very much uplifted by this thread. Thank you Rifka

[Rifka]

What an uplifting thread on a dark day--will not to be a buzz kill; instead I thank you for demonstrating healthy thinking and coping. The door that I have closed is an intellectual one; I am yet waiting for the emotional door to close. As I wrote last night, there continues to be conflict between an inner child who loves and misses him and an adult who says there was never a chance you could/would stay with him. I took Joe Carver's quiz today online, "Are you dating a loser?" Personally, I hate that term, but I scored very high in the zone that indicated I would be very hurt if I stayed in that relationship. I WILL not to hurt (that quiz was good "close the door" validation) but there is an inner child who hurts for exbfBPD and longs for him and loves him. How do I help HER close the door?

wow, I feel exactly what you are writing, loveofhislife. I am also not quite ready to close the emotional door for good. In fact I am struggling, because today is my birthday, of course I haven't heard from him, and tomorrow is his birthday and I am so tempted to send him a nice message.

either way, I am also very much uplifted by this thread. Thank you Rifka

Happy birthday Amigo! Things will get better! May this next year of your life bring the sunshine back in!

[ajr5679]

we have been together three times now and the last time we was together I was/am a lot more healthier than I was the last time we was together. three years ago she allowed her son to beat me up and locked me in my room for three days because he would not let me out of my room. she left are home to go over to her ex girlfriends house leave me with him.

  we did not see each other for two years after the abuse. one day she contacted me and she moved back in. she told me that she was healed and that her son was in jail. life went on I always knew she would leave again but I was so addicted to her that I was going to ride the high as long as I could. it was like as long as I did not have any boundries with her she was fine.

well she went and pick up her son and allowed him to move in with us. at that moment I knew that I had to be strong and get her and him out of my house. I could not do it again. he is the same has her and when you have two people abusing you it is best to just run. but this time I did not allow her to clean the house out and take everything from me. it is like they never change.

but I have:)

[Lolster]

The straw that broke the camels back for me was allowing him some time around my child with his own child, and both of them having zero respect for either of our boundaries.  God, i was even annoyed that they encroached on my dogs boundaries, .

Maybe i need to consider in the future why i don't value my own boundaries even as highly as my dogs to begin with!

Lolster,

Yes you do need to consider your boundaries because they define how far we choose to let others go before we retaliate! Most of us here buried our boundaries and forgot that we had any at all by the end. I'm here to say that my line is back In The sand and it's deep so that they decide to fall in and not me the next time.

You can do it too!

It's not a maybe, it's a necessity

Welcome to the thread!

I think I jumped on this pretty fast really, I only allowed him in my home on three occasions.  And the thing is we don't really give people a list of how we do and don't expect people to behave in our homes in advance do we?  Common courtesy is expected.  However, when it's clear that people don't act in line with my expectations I have learned to move on and not expect that to change like I may have in past relationships.  E.g. He may see it as "But you knew before I stayed that I have a sleep disorder so why would you expect me to sleep, you're so mean."  I see it as "Yes, I appreciate the fact that you have a sleep disorder but you had told me you sleep better when you have not been sat at home all day and are not alone, and you had your daughter with you.  You have a problem sleeping but that doesn't mean you should bang around my house all night with no consideration for the people that are able to sleep, not to mention letting the dogs go in and out wondering what the hell is going on and me waking up to muddy floors/carpets and spilt tea all over the place, whilst you then go to bed and SLEEP and I get up and clear away your mess."  In my mind someone who is deliberately going up and down stairs all night making tea/smoking isn't actually doing anything proactive to help themselves relax, particularly when they allegedly have such a bad leg that they cannot tolerate stairs and have been out walking all day on said bad leg. 

Although I didn't give him a list of how I expected him to behave when I went to bed I did discuss my concerns prior to agreeing to him staying, hence the assurances that he would sleep after such a long day etc.

[Rifka]

we have been together three times now and the last time we was together I was/am a lot more healthier than I was the last time we was together. three years ago she allowed her son to beat me up and locked me in my room for three days because he would not let me out of my room. she left are home to go over to her ex girlfriends house leave me with him.

  we did not see each other for two years after the abuse. one day she contacted me and she moved back in. she told me that she was healed and that her son was in jail. life went on I always knew she would leave again but I was so addicted to her that I was going to ride the high as long as I could. it was like as long as I did not have any boundries with her she was fine.

well she went and pick up her son and allowed him to move in with us. at that moment I knew that I had to be strong and get her and him out of my house. I could not do it again. he is the same has her and when you have two people abusing you it is best to just run. but this time I did not allow her to clean the house out and take everything from me. it is like they never change.

but I have:)

AJR,

Wow that must have been terrible. Glad you found your boundaries again! Sounds like you are in a much better place. Good for you!

[Rifka]

The straw that broke the camels back for me was allowing him some time around my child with his own child, and both of them having zero respect for either of our boundaries.  God, i was even annoyed that they encroached on my dogs boundaries, .

Maybe i need to consider in the future why i don't value my own boundaries even as highly as my dogs to begin with!

Lolster,

Yes you do need to consider your boundaries because they define how far we choose to let others go before we retaliate! Most of us here buried our boundaries and forgot that we had any at all by the end. I'm here to say that my line is back In The sand and it's deep so that they decide to fall in and not me the next time.

You can do it too!

It's not a maybe, it's a necessity

Welcome to the thread!

I think I jumped on this pretty fast really, I only allowed him in my home on three occasions.  And the thing is we don't really give people a list of how we do and don't expect people to behave in our homes in advance do we?  Common courtesy is expected.  However, when it's clear that people don't act in line with my expectations I have learned to move on and not expect that to change like I may have in past relationships.  E.g. He may see it as "But you knew before I stayed that I have a sleep disorder so why would you expect me to sleep, you're so mean."  I see it as "Yes, I appreciate the fact that you have a sleep disorder but you had told me you sleep better when you have not been sat at home all day and are not alone, and you had your daughter with you.  You have a problem sleeping but that doesn't mean you should bang around my house all night with no consideration for the people that are able to sleep, not to mention letting the dogs go in and out wondering what the hell is going on and me waking up to muddy floors/carpets and spilt tea all over the place, whilst you then go to bed and SLEEP and I get up and clear away your mess."  In my mind someone who is deliberately going up and down stairs all night making tea/smoking isn't actually doing anything proactive to help themselves relax, particularly when they allegedly have such a bad leg that they cannot tolerate stairs and have been out walking all day on said bad leg. 

Although I didn't give him a list of how I expected him to behave when I went to bed I did discuss my concerns prior to agreeing to him staying, hence the assurances that he would sleep after such a long day etc.

Lolster,

Fantastic! It looks like you did what you needed. No his behavior was not acceptable in your home. You took care of it! Boundaries are great! I think he was pushing the envelope! That was just rude and inconsiderate of him!

I think many of us are to the point that we are much better prepared now for the signs and huge red flags!

If we listen to what are heads say right away on the next round and trust us, and maybe sometimes have to walk away, I think we will be fine.

It is scary though to even imagine somebody else trying this on us again.

We are good and will pay better attention to the signs!

I KNOW THAT I WILL DEFINITELY TAKE OFF THE ROSY GLASSES AND SEE THINGS FOR WHAT THEY ARE!

Sounds like if we practice our new knowledge of BPD, we can be totally in control of us and it not repeating!

Rifka