Why do I want to know (and hurt myself?)

[Depression = 72% of members]

My uBPDstbxh left about five weeks ago. My kids and I are 'allowed' to stay in the house for the time being. He didn't have an apartment right away, so my guess is he's staying with the replacement (she lives in another town). He later said he found an apartment but it's (still) not ready yet.

He does not tell me where he's staying, he does not tell mutual close friends where he's staying (here and there he says). He does not tell me how involved in this relationship he is, if it's still platonic or has developed into a full blown affair. In the first few weeks he came and picked up some personal stuff, but the last two weeks I've hardly seen him. His suits are still here and he left for business travel yesterday.

I'm wondering and wondering where he is and how much he's involved with the replacement, but what if he does tell me? Why do I want to know, because I know the image will hurt me maybe even more. But not knowing sends my imagination in overdrive. I guess it hurts more that he has the knowledge and won't share it with me. That feels like he has power over me.

But still: what would be better: knowing or not knowing the exact circumstances of his whereabouts?

[Tiepje3]

My uBPDstbxh left about five weeks ago. My kids and I are 'allowed' to stay in the house for the time being. He didn't have an apartment right away, so my guess is he's staying with the replacement (she lives in another town). He later said he found an apartment but it's (still) not ready yet.

He does not tell me where he's staying, he does not tell mutual close friends where he's staying (here and there he says). He does not tell me how involved in this relationship he is, if it's still platonic or has developed into a full blown affair. In the first few weeks he came and picked up some personal stuff, but the last two weeks I've hardly seen him. His suits are still here and he left for business travel yesterday.

I'm wondering and wondering where he is and how much he's involved with the replacement, but what if he does tell me? Why do I want to know, because I know the image will hurt me maybe even more. But not knowing sends my imagination in overdrive. I guess it hurts more that he has the knowledge and won't share it with me. That feels like he has power over me.

But still: what would be better: knowing or not knowing the exact circumstances of his whereabouts?

[Popcorn71]

I was in a similar situation when my exBPDh suddenly dumped me out of the blue.   He literally disappeared.  I thought I knew where he was staying but soon realised he wasn't there.  Not knowing, was a nightmare.  Although, looking back, if I had known and had been able to contact him, I would have tried my best to get back with him and I now know that this would have led to more trouble.

Anyway, it turned out that my ex was with the replacement.  Eventually, we met up and he took great delight in telling me about his new life with the replacement.  But he left out the details such as who she was, where they lived etc. so I was left to fill in the blanks with my imagination.

After a while they ended up living locally.  It turned out that their life was not a bit like I had imagined.  It was far, far, worse.  No wonder he didn't tell me any details!

I think that knowing what your ex is up to, may be better at the moment because it puts a stop to all the wondering and questions in your mind.  But utimately, it doesn't really matter.  Eventually, you will realise that you are better off without him and that his new life isn't all it's cracked up to be.

[drummerboy]

Having your partner just disappear is heart breaking and my heart goes out to you. It is a major life trauma and seems to be very typical behaviour for a BPD.

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is this: As far as you are concerned is the relationship over? Him taking off with a replacement means that you should probably start thinking that its over, as painful as that thought is to you. Then you must start the grieving process. Sure, thoughts of him, what he's doing, who's he with, will fill your head and they will hurt. Most of us have been in that situation and there isn't a damn thing anyone can say to ease the pain.

You might want to pop down to a bookshop and get a copy of "The journey from abandonment to healing" by Susan Anderson, fantastic book for what you are going through right now.

Once you mentally move to a place where you know its over it will be easier to not care what he's up to and the easiest way to do that is start thinking about yourself, not him, mind you, while your heart screams out for the good times, the awesome intimacy and yes, the sex too, its very hard to start looking forward and thinking about healing yourself, but heal you must. Think about YOU, be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up.

Eventually you wont care what he's up to and you'll see his leaving as a blessing. You'll start looking inward, to see why you ignored the warning signs and got yourself hooked up with a BPD and you'll come out the other side a much better, stronger person. BPD's don't deserve people like us, we deserve good, mentally healthy people that are able to reciprocate love. They get to stay in their unending misery.

Hugs to you

[Tiepje3]

Having your partner just disappear is heart breaking and my heart goes out to you. It is a major life trauma and seems to be very typical behaviour for a BPD.

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is this: As far as you are concerned is the relationship over? Him taking off with a replacement means that you should probably start thinking that its over, as painful as that thought is to you. Then you must start the grieving process. Sure, thoughts of him, what he's doing, who's he with, will fill your head and they will hurt. Most of us have been in that situation and there isn't a damn thing anyone can say to ease the pain.

You might want to pop down to a bookshop and get a copy of "The journey from abandonment to healing" by Susan Anderson, fantastic book for what you are going through right now.

Once you mentally move to a place where you know its over it will be easier to not care what he's up to and the easiest way to do that is start thinking about yourself, not him, mind you, while your heart screams out for the good times, the awesome intimacy and yes, the sex too, its very hard to start looking forward and thinking about healing yourself, but heal you must. Think about YOU, be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up.

Eventually you wont care what he's up to and you'll see his leaving as a blessing. You'll start looking inward, to see why you ignored the warning signs and got yourself hooked up with a BPD and you'll come out the other side a much better, stronger person. BPD's don't deserve people like us, we deserve good, mentally healthy people that are able to reciprocate love. They get to stay in their unending misery.

Hugs to you

Thanks for the support. My mind knows what's best. Cheating on me (the fact that he wrote to her that he loved her and went for secret coffee dates is enough for me) is something I do not accept. So I know there's no going back. That is not the reason for wanting to know where he is hanging out.

For me it would be wanting to be treated like a normal human being/ex-lover/ex-partner/ex-friend whom you'd just inform about what you're doing, as polite people would do when they're finishing up a relationship. I feel treated like a baby when he 'decides' I cannot handle the information or that it is 'his private life now'. It feels like a power struggle. I think that's what's bothering me more than him having moved on. He cannot help himself, but I thought he could at least help me by not leaving blank spots in my mind. Because I'm not only trying to deal with being replaced (jealousy, betrayal), but I'm also having to tone my imagination down.

It would feel more like 'closure' if I'd know where he is living and hanging out. At least I could stop my imagination and just deal with the infidelity and move on.