17 months seperated and wife emails first divorce offer

[Mutt]

I got advice from an Ex Professor of law in the summer of 2013. I talked to him 90 minutes on the phone. He suspected his ex was BPD, read WoE etc. His advice was to not file for divorce because he suspected my ex will make the first move when she wants to marry her boyfriend. Almost a year after that conversation I get  an email tonight, she's wanting to get married to the her bf (affair partner) or she's pregnant or both. Either way this is a mute point. I am detached emotionally.

In her email she is Queen. Take it or leave it Mutt or I'm going to go full entitlement for myself and the kids.

My issue is that I don't have money for an L. What little money I had she had cleaned it out for her exit and put me in a one down position so I could retain an L to defend myself. I had to get a public lawyer - worst experience ever. That didn't turn out so well because the L quit and I finished custody and access on my own - Pro Se. I got what I wanted - court appointed boundaries to keep the chaos away.

She wants to keep her debt and my debt separate. I'm not sure how it works in the US but here in Canada I had to go into a consumer proposal. A sort of bankruptcy protection. I owed 24k in debt and I repay 6k of that to creditors over a 4 year period. I can pay it off sooner. It's not as severe as bankruptcy and it does get removed from you credit report.  I don't know what she thinks in regards with debt. I can't trust her when it comes to repaying money.

She says she will pursue her portion of the government pension and will not pursue my work pension which us what I really wanted to keep ger away from. She has been removed from my policies last year, life insurance etc and that money was moved unto the kids. She wants my name off of the car loan ASAP.

The last detail is that she says she won't pursue maintenance before the court order for the kids which was issued in Oct of last year. Anything before that until she left she said she won't pursue. I gave her money but it wasn't appointed by a court order. I foolishly kept giving her more money in the beginning. First month 600, 2nd month 700, 3rd month 800 because she didn't have a job. I pay 647 a month now so it's a sort of idle threat (can track with receipts) but I'm offended with said threat.

She says she's mailed the Province for the marriage certificate and is filing when she gets it. I got the email tonight and I don't intend in giving her a response. If I do I'll wait until next week. I don't trust her at her word even if it's communicated by email because of her dissociations. I can be black and white in print and she'll dissociate (lie) reality to match her need. She has narcissistic qualities and my needs are irrelevant.

I can't afford a lawyer. Not this time. I am barely surviving with child support, daycare, child expenses and rent. Places in my city are more expensive the what I currently pay. I need subsidy from the city. There's absolutely no means to an L other than getting information by consultations for free. I managed to get what I wanted in court against her, her lawyer and my lawyer, 3 versus me. My lawyer was a paper pusher and fought me until the last step. Every court appearance she triangulated and neither lawyer saw I was immensely stressed but detached and didn't play into the drama. I learned her behaviors from this last experience with family court and saw the same behaviors in criminal court in 2010. She can easily pick up the phone and retain a public lawyer because if her low annual income and I don't believe she ever needs to claim him. Even though by next month they should be common law (6 months) but I think that would be bigamy?

Is it feasible to get this done by myself? I do have an upper hand because she is impulsive and may concede for her narcissistic need. I'm speculating that she's getting married. I did see her last week and she said she's not going to get married in the next couple of months.

She told me 3 weeks after leaving she is not getting into another r/s right away and it will be a long time until she moves in with another man. 1 week after she comes out with the affair partner, less than a year later he moves in. So I think she's lying I think she does want marriage from what she tried to distort after being split black.

A card I do hold is her impulsivity like the Prof said - I intend to use it. I also know her patterns after going to court twice - both times she had the exact same pattern. She tries to FOG me throughout - Karpmann Triangle with lawyers, all or nothing, puts on the breaks before trial. I think judges and authority figures scare her. Having gone through this experience a couple of times, observing patterns in court, I'm not letting FOG affect me period. I think I have the upper hand, I know her better than she knows herself.

I don't intend on responding to this email. If I do I won't respond until next week. I think the best thing to do is wait for a second email and see what she offers next. I also think that if it's for a narcisstic need she'll email bomb.

I took my Briggs-Myers test and I'm INTJ and I could pursue a career in law if i chose to. I can strategize and look at the big picture and I'm always analyzing. Obviously I have no schooling but I intend on doing this Pro Se. Is this foolish?

[david]

My ex left in 2007. Took a while for me to clear my head. Once that happened I too noticed ex has a limited range of behaviors. Learning to use them is the trick. When I figure ways to not neccesarily agree with her but use her interpretation of things to my advantage I ussually get everything I am seeking in court.

During our divorce ex valued our assets at 1.2 million. It wasn't even close to that. However, she also stated I stole everything and she wanted half of it or to be compensated. I went with her evaluation and was able to show that she actually had the majority of things on her list of things I stole. I asked for my half in cash. Her lawyer saw the writing on the wall and a settlement was made in less than 15 minutes. It was a 70/30 split in my favor. My atty said if we went to court I could have gotten an 80/20 split. That would have taken months and if we signed that day I would be single tomorrow. I signed.

[Mutt]

My ex left in 2007. Took a while for me to clear my head. Once that happened I too noticed ex has a limited range of behaviors. Learning to use them is the trick. When I figure ways to not neccesarily agree with her but use her interpretation of things to my advantage I ussually get everything I am seeking in court.

I agree david. I've had ample time for my head to clear. I know that she's throwing up FOG and trying to control. I sent her a simple question. Are you sending this because you don't want L's? She says she's getting a lawyer. I sent her another short message. I'll accept or counter through her L and they can call me, there's no need for us to talk.

She changes her needs from one day to the next. I refuse to walk on eggshells with her and play along with her dissociations. I'll have her attorney deal with her malarkey and I'll deal with L. I have already dealt with 2 L's and got what I wanted. I'll deal with public lawyer #3.

[maxen]

I got the email tonight and I don't intend in giving her a response.

good. i had to put myself in a sraitjacket sometimes, but not communicating was the best thing i did. you're right to notice that she says things and then does other things, and what she says she's going to do means nothing.

otherwise, that's awful about your L experiences. are there no sliding-scale lawyers?

[Mutt]

I got the email tonight and I don't intend in giving her a response.

good. i had to put myself in a sraitjacket sometimes, but not communicating was the best thing i did. you're right to notice that she says things and then does other things, and what she says she's going to do means nothing.

otherwise, that's awful about your L experiences. are there no sliding-scale lawyers?

I'm not wasting my time this time with L's wanting to drag this out to line their pockets. I'm bankrupt. An advantage that I have is that we have a 3rd party service through work for family and criminal law. Thank god. I can pick up the phone as long as I don't abuse it and I have access to lawyers. I make sure I have all my questions in a notebook before hand and take notes. They call back within 2 days and it's free. I used this line often with child custody. When I get served, I'm making calls. I'm comfortable enough with being in court, it's like a second home to me now

I really did this on my own with the help of this board the last time. This board is a godsend when it comes to courts and a PD. A big factor I think is to be emotionally detached, stick to what courts like FACTS, watch ex for patterns. I would possibly like to become a family lawyer. I like challenges as well.

Having said that, this is speculation and I'm drawing from my experience with her. I see a limited range with her as david said. Her boyfriend is milquetoast, dysfunctional and not very aware of behaviors in people. He moved in back in April '14. After a short few months my ex kept asking to get married. I managed to hold it off until a year and a half and reluctantly said yes. My mistake. But I already had a child with her, the boyfriend doesn't and is not coping with the kids well at all. Eventually that's going to wear thin on him, the cracks are showing. He's in the fire now.

What I want is I want to get this done quickly while he's in the picture. He keeps her occupied, keeps the chaos away from me. When the bottom of the basket falls out (it will) this would be so much more difficult to get accomplished. She'll buck and be stubborn, I think it will be much harder on divorce then.  I have a feeling she's going to want to rush this through so I want to strike while the iron is hot.

She may make concessions because she is impulsive and wants to get engaged ASAP. Public lawyers aren't too concerned about making money from their clients over a long period of time. That's the impression I get but I may be able to succeed better because I understand her very well. If this were criminal no way I would lawyer up with a very good L.

As it stands now. She's throwing up fear in FOG. She needs this more than I need it. She's all or nothing. I'll fret once it gets down to the finish line, everything in between like she always does is emotional blackmail / control to try to strike fear in me and wanting myself to concede. She needs to secure this attachment. What they both don't understand is when we were married, her acting out was tenfold. I wish them the best. I just want my kids to eventually be full time with dad. That's my goal.