She just contacted me and I'm feeling the pull.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I need some help here.  

She just contacted me.  

Sent me an email.  I had have been NC except for one time about 2 months ago when she contacted me about her dog being hit by a car. The dog died.  It meant everything to her, and she was a huge part of my life for many years.  

The very strange thing about it was she actually sent me pictures of the dog dead in a box to be buried. That's how I found out. I got a text and email with a few lines saying what happened and the picture... .

The funny(?) thing is I don't think she did it to be shocking or disrespectful. I think she did it because she wanted me to know and actually experience it (am I viewing this thru some fuzzy lens?). A small part of me thought it may be her going nuclear on me to get a response.  But I really don't believe that to be true.  

It's the first time I broke NC in 6 months.  I sent back a very "business-like" email about how sorry I was, and that I knew how much she meant to her, and how she was hurting. I ended it with a "just remember all the joy she brought to your life while she was here." And no hidden meaning just what it was.

Surprisingly I felt fine just doing that.  No gravitational pull as if I passed too close to the BPD black hole and was going to get sucked in.  I kinda went on with my day.  Imagine that!

I got an email response to that about an hour later thanking me for responding and how bad she was hurting, and that she knew how much the dog meant to me. Then asked how my life was going (we're still not divorced.  I just haven't had the mental fortitude to go through the actual legal process yet.  But I'm getting closer)and if I had made any decisions on what I wanted to do!  

Wow! Oz is a crazy place when you're off the "Emerald Dust" of BPD.

I sat with that for a day. And finally wrote back. And thanks to this site and everyone's story on here, as well as my emergence from the fog, I was able to speak clearly and unwaveringly.  

In a very flat tone, non-accusing, without a hint of attack,or mention of her affairs.  I wrote about how it was over and senseless to even speak of it any other way.  About some things that I had taken from the relationship and how it had changed me, good and bad.  And I told her my suspicions of BPD. I laid it out with her family.  I wrote it out in a way that was informative (Yes I know logic and reason don't work in Oz!).

I linked to articles and laid out a nice TL:DR at the bottom. I closed saying I didn't know why I felt compelled to tell her these things.  Perhaps I didn't want to see her confused and hurt, repeating cycles for the rest of her life.  Maybe it can save her a decade or so of wandering in the wasteland.  

She has a relative that, now that I know about these things, definitely has BPD.  She is more or less shunned by the family and no one can figure out why she is the way she is.  She is just "crazy".  Ah ignorance is bliss.  Well... .except when you're the SO.

I got a flat email back saying that she went to her therapist and that she doesn't have it. Yeah, I know.  That she is filing for divorce. Needs a mailing address and hoping we can make this as civil and painless as possible.  Like I'm the aggressor here! I gave her an address and left it at that.

That was 2 months ago.

I just got an email.  Saying that she hasn't gone through with the paperwork yet.  She wants to have one conversation first.  Just one before she does.  It doesn't have to be anything in particular.  It would mean so much to her if I could.

I'm feeling the gravitational pull.  I'm feeling my rational mind trying to convince me with that maybe... .just maybe... .if I put the correct things in an email it will act as a "magic scroll" that will cast a spell and I will get the woman I fell in love with back.  It is strong enough for me to post this (and not proofread it).  



Things I KNOW:

She has probably lost her supply and is now coming to me for it.

That it can never be again.

That I cannot fix her.

That the scenario that is playing in my head right now is a cruel illusion that would only make me suffer greatly.

That if I start to talk to her that she will morph back into that person that I love.  Almost like an alien taking on the appearance of a departed loved one like the movie "Contact".  And I will suffer greatly.

Knowing all of this... .there is this voice inside of me that is saying "What if?" and "I should send one last email."

I'm buckling here and it scares me.


Thank you for reading this if you made it this far.

This is gonna be a loonnnnggggg night... .


 

[Buried in Blackness]

I need some help here.  

She just contacted me.  

Sent me an email.  I had have been NC except for one time about 2 months ago when she contacted me about her dog being hit by a car. The dog died.  It meant everything to her, and she was a huge part of my life for many years.  

The very strange thing about it was she actually sent me pictures of the dog dead in a box to be buried. That's how I found out. I got a text and email with a few lines saying what happened and the picture... .

The funny(?) thing is I don't think she did it to be shocking or disrespectful. I think she did it because she wanted me to know and actually experience it (am I viewing this thru some fuzzy lens?). A small part of me thought it may be her going nuclear on me to get a response.  But I really don't believe that to be true.  

It's the first time I broke NC in 6 months.  I sent back a very "business-like" email about how sorry I was, and that I knew how much she meant to her, and how she was hurting. I ended it with a "just remember all the joy she brought to your life while she was here." And no hidden meaning just what it was.

Surprisingly I felt fine just doing that.  No gravitational pull as if I passed too close to the BPD black hole and was going to get sucked in.  I kinda went on with my day.  Imagine that!

I got an email response to that about an hour later thanking me for responding and how bad she was hurting, and that she knew how much the dog meant to me. Then asked how my life was going (we're still not divorced.  I just haven't had the mental fortitude to go through the actual legal process yet.  But I'm getting closer)and if I had made any decisions on what I wanted to do!  

Wow! Oz is a crazy place when you're off the "Emerald Dust" of BPD.

I sat with that for a day. And finally wrote back. And thanks to this site and everyone's story on here, as well as my emergence from the fog, I was able to speak clearly and unwaveringly.  

In a very flat tone, non-accusing, without a hint of attack,or mention of her affairs.  I wrote about how it was over and senseless to even speak of it any other way.  About some things that I had taken from the relationship and how it had changed me, good and bad.  And I told her my suspicions of BPD. I laid it out with her family.  I wrote it out in a way that was informative (Yes I know logic and reason don't work in Oz!).

I linked to articles and laid out a nice TL:DR at the bottom. I closed saying I didn't know why I felt compelled to tell her these things.  Perhaps I didn't want to see her confused and hurt, repeating cycles for the rest of her life.  Maybe it can save her a decade or so of wandering in the wasteland.  

She has a relative that, now that I know about these things, definitely has BPD.  She is more or less shunned by the family and no one can figure out why she is the way she is.  She is just "crazy".  Ah ignorance is bliss.  Well... .except when you're the SO.

I got a flat email back saying that she went to her therapist and that she doesn't have it. Yeah, I know.  That she is filing for divorce. Needs a mailing address and hoping we can make this as civil and painless as possible.  Like I'm the aggressor here! I gave her an address and left it at that.

That was 2 months ago.

I just got an email.  Saying that she hasn't gone through with the paperwork yet.  She wants to have one conversation first.  Just one before she does.  It doesn't have to be anything in particular.  It would mean so much to her if I could.

I'm feeling the gravitational pull.  I'm feeling my rational mind trying to convince me with that maybe... .just maybe... .if I put the correct things in an email it will act as a "magic scroll" that will cast a spell and I will get the woman I fell in love with back.  It is strong enough for me to post this (and not proofread it).  



Things I KNOW:

She has probably lost her supply and is now coming to me for it.

That it can never be again.

That I cannot fix her.

That the scenario that is playing in my head right now is a cruel illusion that would only make me suffer greatly.

That if I start to talk to her that she will morph back into that person that I love.  Almost like an alien taking on the appearance of a departed loved one like the movie "Contact".  And I will suffer greatly.

Knowing all of this... .there is this voice inside of me that is saying "What if?" and "I should send one last email."

I'm buckling here and it scares me.


Thank you for reading this if you made it this far.

This is gonna be a loonnnnggggg night... .


 

[Infern0]

Just a thought.  Tell her that anything she has to say she can say it in an email.

That way you can analyze it properly.

[freedom33]

Hey BiB,

I went back and read some your earlier posts and your story. You seem like a guy that has himself well together and with a really good insight to his situation. Would going back and reading your posts help a bit? It helps me by reinforcing my thoughts and  reminding me what my position about the situation is.

[Lion Fire]

You seem like you have your feet on the ground and your eyes are wide open in terms of what's going on. Of course there will be a pull to reconnect but I think you know how this will play out.

Look after yourself no matter what. A person with BPD is not a safe person and therefore any interaction could put you at risk.

[Buried in Blackness]

Just a thought.  Tell her that anything she has to say she can say it in an email.

That way you can analyze it properly.

Good idea.  She was always so resistant to email.  Hated it.  I think because it was a record that could be read later.  I believe it's a good move.  Thank you.

Hey BiB,

I went back and read some your earlier posts and your story. You seem like a guy that has himself well together and with a really good insight to his situation. Would going back and reading your posts help a bit? It helps me by reinforcing my thoughts and  reminding me what my position about the situation is.

Yeah freedom I really feel like I do.  I'm kinda goin' thru it right now with my grandmother going into a home and being resistant and of course "White Knight" to the rescue... .So I think I'm in that hazy head-space and feeling some cracks in the armor.  I know mentally.  It's just... .I feel like I'm being kicked when I'm down here and it's almost like a "comfort zone" to be in that co-dependent position.  Does that make any sense?

I appreciate you saying that.  I'm going to go back and read them and hopefully shake this off.

Man... .even when you think (know!) you've got a handle on it that damn monster can just reach up and pull you back. 

[Buried in Blackness]

You seem like you have your feet on the ground and your eyes are wide open in terms of what's going on. Of course there will be a pull to reconnect but I think you know how this will play out.

Look after yourself no matter what. A person with BPD is not a safe person and therefore any interaction could put you at risk.

Thanks Infern0.  Yeah I really feel like I do.  But I feel like I'm getting the shakes.  I really appreciate you guys chiming in here.  I felt a little weak posting that but I know I needed to see the words in front of my face because my emotions are betraying me. 

[Buried in Blackness]

You seem like you have your feet on the ground and your eyes are wide open in terms of what's going on. Of course there will be a pull to reconnect but I think you know how this will play out.

Look after yourself no matter what. A person with BPD is not a safe person and therefore any interaction could put you at risk.

Thanks Infern0.  Yeah I really feel like I do.  But I feel like I'm getting the shakes.  I really appreciate you guys chiming in here.  I felt a little weak posting that but I know I needed to see the words in front of my face because my emotions are betraying me. 

Lol I meant thanks LION FIRE!  Fire, Inferno... .you get how I could screw that up.  Aye Car-rumba!

[Lion Fire]

keep your defenses strong and stay alert bro