Help from those who have suffered... and survived

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Afternoon,

So a brief background, my un-diagnosed exBPDgf officially left me 3 weeks ago and moved out of the family home, I tried for the bets part of 2 weeks to reason and even plead (I now know this was the wrong move) to work at things for the sake of our 2 yr old son.

After a night out a couple of weeks ago I foolishly called round her parent's house and was involved in an altercation with her male family members, who cutting a long and painful; story short alleged that I committed a GBH offence (for which i am now on bail awaiting trial for). Since this happened I have had NC enforced and have been seeing my son via family members picking him up.

Last night I received numerous messages from my ex saying how it was killing her and that although she knows I can't contact her she wants to hear my voice, and had planned to work things out, even wears her old engagement ring still and realises now how much I wanted what we had and asked how we could stop all this and turn back time. She then pleaded with me to block her on social networks (even though she could easily just block me). Obviously I couldn't reply at all due to my bail conditions, but I am puzzled as to why she would suddenly seem to miss me, despite telling me on numerous occasions that she was "moving on with her life" and even taunted me saying she was talking to a new man but hadn't done anything.

Has anyone else had a similar situation to this (with or without the legal proceedings) where their exBPDgf has gone from being adamant it's over despite continually keeping tabs on their ex partner, even mentioning someone else, and then suddenly after NC wanting to talk to them again and work at things. Part of me feels that she is missing the attention and the constant chasing I was doing when she first left, and maybe she has realised the grass isn't greener on the other side. Also, she has always been proud of her looks and "everyone" wants her, but maybe with 2 children and living back at her parents' she isn't quite as appealing as she once was, regardles of looks.

There isn't much I can do with my bail conditions, but any advice from anyone who has been in a similar scenario would really help me from driving myself insane, clinging onto the good memories, and wanting one last fix of a drug that is ultimately bad for me! 

Thanks

[CC85]

Afternoon,

So a brief background, my un-diagnosed exBPDgf officially left me 3 weeks ago and moved out of the family home, I tried for the bets part of 2 weeks to reason and even plead (I now know this was the wrong move) to work at things for the sake of our 2 yr old son.

After a night out a couple of weeks ago I foolishly called round her parent's house and was involved in an altercation with her male family members, who cutting a long and painful; story short alleged that I committed a GBH offence (for which i am now on bail awaiting trial for). Since this happened I have had NC enforced and have been seeing my son via family members picking him up.

Last night I received numerous messages from my ex saying how it was killing her and that although she knows I can't contact her she wants to hear my voice, and had planned to work things out, even wears her old engagement ring still and realises now how much I wanted what we had and asked how we could stop all this and turn back time. She then pleaded with me to block her on social networks (even though she could easily just block me). Obviously I couldn't reply at all due to my bail conditions, but I am puzzled as to why she would suddenly seem to miss me, despite telling me on numerous occasions that she was "moving on with her life" and even taunted me saying she was talking to a new man but hadn't done anything.

Has anyone else had a similar situation to this (with or without the legal proceedings) where their exBPDgf has gone from being adamant it's over despite continually keeping tabs on their ex partner, even mentioning someone else, and then suddenly after NC wanting to talk to them again and work at things. Part of me feels that she is missing the attention and the constant chasing I was doing when she first left, and maybe she has realised the grass isn't greener on the other side. Also, she has always been proud of her looks and "everyone" wants her, but maybe with 2 children and living back at her parents' she isn't quite as appealing as she once was, regardles of looks.

There isn't much I can do with my bail conditions, but any advice from anyone who has been in a similar scenario would really help me from driving myself insane, clinging onto the good memories, and wanting one last fix of a drug that is ultimately bad for me! 

Thanks

[Rifka]

There are many here who have been though this type of scenario. Go through older leaving threads that can help you understand more about BPD. There is also a co parenting thread that might help guide you a bit and answer some questions for you.

As far as her requests, FIGHT ANY URGE TO SEE HER OR BREAK LAWS ON CONTACT OF ANY TYPE!

this could effect your future visitation of your son.

Yes they always try to sway you back into the web, don't fall for it, it's a trap!

Read, and read some more here to get strength from the many wonderful people who will share their stories and answer some questions.

Rifka

[Skip]

It's a really complicated situation.  

Am I understanding correctly that the GBH is related to you/uher, she left the house for a fling with another man, and she has reconnected to say she misses you, but ends those conversations with "block me".  She has also convinced the family that you're a bad guy.

And there are 2 little guys.

What you're seeing is a lot of impulsive emotional swings.  She is out of her house, she misses her friend (you) and family nights, she not finished with the fling (buts its no nirvana) and... .

I think any path to reconciliation or healthy co-parenting is going to have to be mediated by her family.  That's going to take her having more than one miss you moment.

You have to worry about the law, criminal charges, and custody. You have a pending charge - how much influence does she have on that case?

I think I would focus on my GBH case and line ducks up just in case there is a custody dispute - although all the time you have now speaks well for you.

I might try to redirect any positive vibes from her toward the family.  You don't want to be fighting them right now if you can avoid it.

What happened with the GBH?

[CC85]

Hi Skip, Thanks for your response... .

Basically the gbh charge was as a result of a scuffle between me, her dad and brother in the early hours (I shouldn't have gone round but was on my way home and missing my boy, emotion running high and all that). During the scuffle in which I was very badly assaulted, her father suffered a small cut to his head and there was a hammer in their hallway which they allege that I used to cause the cut to her Dad. I obviously dispute their accounts and pleaded not guilty and now have an agonising wait until the trial.

In the last  24hrs, my ex has spoken to my Mother (who is acting as the link between and picking my son up (her other boy was only my step son, so i don't have any right to see him as such)). My ex has said that she regrets making her statement and wishes she could turn back time and work things out and that she would never want to see me in trouble and asked how she can get the charges dropped. Apparently her father is adamant that charges should go ahead so it has apparently caused a big rift between my ex and her Dad. Obviously i cannot contact any of them but hope that the fact that the charge is based on their statements and allegations, then there will be insufficient evidence if they refuse to stand up in court.

That's pretty much where we are atm and I'm willing the next few months on to get to the end of this horror story!

I have no confirmation or evidence that she ever had a fling with anyone else, but when she first initiated the split and moved out, I think it was giving her pleasure seeing me plead and try to reason so she was saying things she knew would hurt me even more. She's always prided herself on her "model" looks and enjoyed taking excessive amounts of pictures of herself, so part of me wonders if she was yearning for some male attention and compliments to make her feel good, but she now realises that a near 30 year old single Mum of 2 is not as appealing to many blokes.

I really do not know whether she genuinely regrets everything or if it's a cunning game in the hope that I break my bail conditions and end up in further trouble. Either way i will keep NC for legal reasons and hope that I can clear my name on the charges.