Can’t ever go back

[Danie14]

I’m getting this one beat over my head. It doesn’t matter what happens you can never go back to what was, never unring the bell, never un-live that experience. It happened, good bad or ugly, it happened and it’s there, always there. No matter what. He’s always going to be who he is. He always going to be this sneaky, controlling, manipulative, blame shifting, tantrum throwing child. Always. Even if he tries to change he’s still who he is. Always.

You know nothing in particular happened, there’ve been no crazy episodes…but that’s just it…this is normal for us. Him. It’s normal in our daily life that he’s this person. Were normal wouldn’t exist in other people’s lives its normal for us to live this life. For me to make excuses for him, to placate him, to…ugh…to wonder what I’m coming home to or waking up to or walking in to…on any given day.

And that’s why I have to leave. That’s why I have to get my own life started for myself. That’s why I have to love myself, respect myself, and believe in myself enough to get out of this crazy situation.

And I truly have fear, way down deep…it’s fear pure and simple…I’m a strong intelligent woman…and I’m afraid. I’m a voice of reason and so many people come to me for support which they tell me I’m smart and brave, but I’m afraid. Of what? I ask myself, I tell myself the same things I tell them…and yet, the fear is there, it’s like a bench or something that I sit on.

The crazy things I’m afraid of…sleeping alone, dealing with winter, when my son doesn’t want to go to school, dealing with broken down cars or car repairs….silly crazy things that I’m sure millions of single women and men deal with every day.

[fred6]

The crazy things I’m afraid of…sleeping alone, dealing with winter, when my son doesn’t want to go to school, dealing with broken down cars or car repairs….silly crazy things that I’m sure millions of single women and men deal with every day.

I understand what you are saying here. I have these type fears also. Being alone, sleeping alone, no one to talk to, etc. Also, about how future relationships might go and if I will ever trust anyone again. If I do, will the same thing happen? So you aren't alone feeling these feelings of being afraid. For me, aside from the trust issues. My biggest issue is starting over at 42 years old after placing all my bets on this one person and losing. Going from single to a relationship is a totally different dynamic than going from a relationship to single, especially when a BPD is involved. Time makes being single easier. You will settle into your routines and lifestyle after a while.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Think of being single again a bit like jumping into a swimming pool. You know it will be a bit unpleasant at first but once you are used to it you start to enjoy it.  I separated from my BPDgf because she decided to put her lot with another man.  But even while with the other man she is trying to get me back.  It really is pathetic that she cannot let her bed go cold.  Separate from their madness and you will reap the benefits quickly.

[Loveofhislife]

Danie14--as I've now written on a number of posts, I feel as if you just wrote my EXACT feelings and experience.  I could have written every word myself.  Something that made a number of us feel better was writing under my post, "What I Don't Miss," somehow, that helped me when the magical thinking began to creep in.  And while I only listed Ten Things I Don't Miss About You; I could have written many more.  Another member of our BPD Family, Rifka, posted a letter she needed to write to her ex (but never send) to get closure.  Rifka and many of us then wrote letters to ourselves (our inner children who our pwBPD's exploited), and there were many letters of apology to ourselves.  My next assignment is the three (3) letter exercise where I write a "come clean" letter--communicating everything I want to say to my exbfBPD (but never mailing it); then writing a letter from him to me (an empathy exercise that I will  never mail); finally, will be the letter to him (that I may or may not mail, as I am in NC).  My NC, however, is a combination of his giving me the silent treatment and my taking full advantage of it to inventory my part of this deathly dance; strategies to get out of the r/s safely and sustainably; and ongoing therapy to figure out why I participated (yes, we all have a very high tolerance for their insanity) and to prevent myself from being attracted to more pwBPD.  My father was minimally BPD and probably NPD, so I have gravitated to the familiar most of my adult life.  I used to call myself a "narcissist magnet," but I am now realizing my role in that magnetic pull.  Self reflection and moving toward acceptance are occupying much of my thought time, please keep posting, Danie; it helps us all.

[topknot]

Danie, it's difficult to accept that we cannot ever go back for that last fix. All the work we have done to detach will evaporate with their flirtatious charm... .until the other shoe drops. I have done it, a number of times, and fell deeper each time into the abyss of being discarded for the new cupcake once more. It tore me up when he said, "WHAT? I love women... ." Zero control or boundaries, and my self esteem shattered more with every recycle. I still get a few pieces of his mail and got his phone bill yesterday. I just throw the mail out, since he refuses to handle transferring, but I looked at the phone bill. I use my cell phone for business and personal,  so I talk and text a lot of people. His personal cell has way more minutes and texts than I use for business and personal together. So he is blabbing and texting up a storm. Doesn't sound like he's pining away for me. So if I went back? Take a number, like the butcher shop. No thank you. Done with always being pushed to the side for the next 20 years younger babe whose pants he is trying to get into.

[fred6]

Danie14--as I've now written on a number of posts, I feel as if you just wrote my EXACT feelings and experience.  I could have written every word myself.  Something that made a number of us feel better was writing under my post, "What I Don't Miss," somehow, that helped me when the magical thinking began to creep in.  And while I only listed Ten Things I Don't Miss About You; I could have written many more.  Another member of our BPD Family, Rifka, posted a letter she needed to write to her ex (but never send) to get closure.  Rifka and many of us then wrote letters to ourselves (our inner children who our pwBPD's exploited), and there were many letters of apology to ourselves.  My next assignment is the three (3) letter exercise where I write a "come clean" letter--communicating everything I want to say to my exbfBPD (but never mailing it); then writing a letter from him to me (an empathy exercise that I will  never mail); finally, will be the letter to him (that I may or may not mail, as I am in NC).  My NC, however, is a combination of his giving me the silent treatment and my taking full advantage of it to inventory my part of this deathly dance; strategies to get out of the r/s safely and sustainably; and ongoing therapy to figure out why I participated (yes, we all have a very high tolerance for their insanity) and to prevent myself from being attracted to more pwBPD.  My father was minimally BPD and probably NPD, so I have gravitated to the familiar most of my adult life.  I used to call myself a "narcissist magnet," but I am now realizing my role in that magnetic pull.  Self reflection and moving toward acceptance are occupying much of my thought time, please keep posting, Danie; it helps us all.

Loveofhislife, I have read this in many posts. I don't understand the purpose of writing the letter and not giving it or mailing it to the exBPD. The way I see it, it doesn't really matter if they read it, process it, receive it well, or throw it away. Please understand, I'm not criticizing this practice. I'm just trying to understand the logic behind it

[scallywag]

Danie14 I can totally mirror your feelings.

I'm a 40 year mum of one who always used to say to him when times were good "I never want to go back to how my life was - a life without you"... .and now I'm forced to go back to that life and I hate it.

Maybe I am just addicted to the idealisation phase - ignoring all the rubbish that followed. But I'm scared of the very things you have mentioned - a cold and lonely winter, lying alone , shopping alone, hanging the washing out alone, making a cup of tea for one, holidays alone , and the list goes on.

But I do know that none of those things are pleasurable when you are with someone who makes you feel that you are in the wrong and not quite up to their standards either- slowly chipping away at your soul.

Finding out about this website and this illness has just been a lightbulb moment - a revelation that in one sense brings relief as it's not me in the wrong - I'm not going delusional ... .but one that makes me very sad as there clearly is no hope for me and my  sweet Mr P

[Loveofhislife]

Hi Fred--the exercise of journaling is therapeutic for me. Otherwise, left alone with my thoughts, I build up a lot of anxiety: too much for me to process and keep bottled up. It's part of what I love about this site: writing what I think and how I feel, and sometimes even before I get great input from BPD Family; I've answered my own questions just through the process of writing. Putting thoughts down on paper helps make this pwBPD experience more real--where I stayed in denial for a long time. The three letter exercise helps me Letter 1. Vent all my anger and hurt; Letter 2. Be more empathetic--after writing from his (exbfBPD) perspective; and Letter 3. Have a more reasoned (fair and balanced) approach. Where I'm at currently in my recovery is anxiety--riddled, so I need to stay NC until I feel stable enough to send him that third letter. I probably would have sent it already but there is some legal posturing going on, and I've been advised to have no communication with exbfBPD.

[Danie14]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me. I really appreciate it all.

The crazy thing, really crazy is that most of the time I can't hardly stand his presence. It's soul sucking and hateful... .he sometimes follows me around the house & won't leave me alone. I *like* to be alone, always have. I'm good with being alone. I can eat dinner alone, read my books, do my shopping, it's nice actually to not have him with me when I do these things because... .well, because I have time and space to actually think about the things I want to think about. I know that sounds crazy or whatever but if he's there his constant need for my attention leaves me with no room for my own thoughts. I don't know how else to put it. I mean most people will not talk to me when they see me reading a book, but not him, it's like a challenge for him to draw me away from the story... .and he just keeps on and on until I put my book down and focus all my attention on him... .the *poof* no more conversation from him... .but heaven forbid that I interrupt him when he's on the computer or watching tv or tinkering with whatever... .

ah, I won't miss that at all.

[Tiepje3]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me. I really appreciate it all.

The crazy thing, really crazy is that most of the time I can't hardly stand his presence. It's soul sucking and hateful... .he sometimes follows me around the house & won't leave me alone. I *like* to be alone, always have. I'm good with being alone. I can eat dinner alone, read my books, do my shopping, it's nice actually to not have him with me when I do these things because... .well, because I have time and space to actually think about the things I want to think about. I know that sounds crazy or whatever but if he's there his constant need for my attention leaves me with no room for my own thoughts. I don't know how else to put it. I mean most people will not talk to me when they see me reading a book, but not him, it's like a challenge for him to draw me away from the story... .and he just keeps on and on until I put my book down and focus all my attention on him... .the *poof* no more conversation from him... .but heaven forbid that I interrupt him when he's on the computer or watching tv or tinkering with whatever... .

ah, I won't miss that at all.

Oh, hilarious, I really, really recognise this, especially the reading a book and not wanting to be disturbed (but putting it down eventually of course) and then when he was busy doing something, he'd just bark at me for interrupting him. I've been reading a lot lately, quiet and peaceful!