SO angry How to move forward and release the rage?

[flower211]

I've been seeing a therapist. My mil has BPD and for so many many years my husband and I were caught in the FOG of his parents (Dad is a narcissist as well)

After a recent false suicide threat from his mother (again) I'm finally reaching a point- NO, I am there!- of feeling pure rage and bordering hatred for both of his parents, especially mil. Realizing how we- all of her children (she has 3 sons) are all just pawns to her in her game of chess. Realizing that we never meant anything to her or to his father except for what they could recieve in benefit from us. Realizing how naive we were to believe they genuinely cared for anyone other than themselves. How hurt and now ANGRY this makes me feel.

We've been married for almost 14 years and I'm sad to say a majority of those years were spent following their religious advice, family advice, financial advice- you name it. Boundaries? What are those? God! I need them now. And I will draw them, once I get past this pure hatred and contempt. I honestly feel like never ever seeing either of them again. And the saddest fact is that I cannot. I am related to these cowardly manipulative persons in an intimate way. Thankfully, my husband sees his moms craziness. But I literally cannot STaND the woman, and this inevitably oozes out of me whenever her name gets brought up in conversation.

Question:

HOW do I feel this anger and healthily release it? I'm reading a book on codependency and I got that role for SO many years. I stuffed the anger down and got shingles twice as a result. I need to find a way to make peace with this.

Help!

?

[Seoulsister]

Hi Flower!

Reading your post sounds like a recap of my married life. My husband's parents are BPD/uNPD... .MIL has never taken responsibility for her actions or acknowledged that any of her children actually have feelings and FIL glosses over her horrible behavior and strong-arms everyone into constant apology-mode to keep the peace. Being in their presence is not only exhausting, but we all walk on eggshells waiting for her to overreact to any little thing that her hypersensitivity picks up on.

I wish I had a great recommendation or suggestion for anger release, but I'm still trying to figure all of this out as well. What has lessened my anger slightly is finally accepting that she will never change. Everything will always be about her and she will never be sorry or wrong, and that's that.

We are working on boundaries. I am trying not to take everything she says so personally.

Just wanted to show some support to you. I know exactly how you feel! Hopefully others will post some helpful suggestions.

[P.F.Change]

Question:

HOW do I feel this anger and healthily release it? I'm reading a book on codependency and I got that role for SO many years. I stuffed the anger down and got shingles twice as a result. I need to find a way to make peace with this.

Help!

?

That's a really great question, flower211. A lot of us have felt that kind of anger, and it's important to find ways to feel it appropriately.

Here are a few things that have helped me:

• Giving myself permission to feel what I'm feeling. Anger isn't "bad" or "wrong" in and of itself. Neither is the hurt underneath it.



• Recognizing my anger as a signal that I may need to check my boundaries. It's my job to take care of myself.



• Learning to confront others and express my feelings. I can speak up when I don't like something, and I can ask for what I need.

I also agree with Seoulsister that it helped a lot to accept that my parents are who they are, and that is who I should expect them to be. I used to be angry because I thought they should be different.

Do you think you are feeling angry with yourself at all?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Linda Maria]

Hi Flower!  Sounds like it's been a rough ride - sorry to hear about it.  Would be really weird if you didn't feel pretty angry - so bear in mind that it's normal and healthy to feel that way.  What you don't want to do now, is let it spoil the rest of your life.  Think the suggestions made are really good - my situation is less extreme - but last year I was constantly struggling between guilt and anger at my uBPDsis for what she was doing - won't bore you with the story as have posted a lot about myself recently!  At some point - a few months before I had heard of BPD - so just thought she hated me, was attention seeking, pathological liar etc, made suddenly a million times worse by the death of my Mum - I just suddenly realised there was nothing to be gained for anyone, me, her, my family, by me making myself ill over the situation, which was what I was doing.  I told myself I was stronger than this, it wasn't what my Mum would have wanted, and I needed to get on with my life.  Somehow I gave myself permission to stop fretting about it (at least not as much), I got busy with other things, and I made a real effort not to keep talking about it to everyone, as though it was the defining thing in my life.  I still talk about it a lot with my best friend, and I still have a legal situation going on with her so I can't get away from it completely, but I don't feel guilty any more, just sad sometimes.  Doing physical things helped me - a short walk in the park each day, going swimming, just getting out really, as I wasn't working during the worst period, so was hanging round the house, ruminating, and heading for a nervous breakdown trying to work out why she was doing this.  Not sure if this helps, but being physically active and having lots of other things to think about and distract me really help, and so does hanging out with good friends who make you laugh.  You get your balanced perspective back - life can be the pits sometimes, but it's still a beautiful world - and you are lucky enough to have the capacity to enjoy and appreciate it a million times more than someone with BPD ever will.  Good luck,  JB

[funfunctional]

HI Flower,

I feel your ANGER.  I can so relate.  AND when I think I have relaxed & let go of the anger it sneaks back up on me like a ship in the night.   My dream 5 years ago was to marry into a "normal" family after a previous 21 year/17yr marriage to my x husband.      Well found out soon enough that my MIL is BPD and serious BPD and she caused me so much pain.  Everyone is onto her but no one does anything.  We are NC with she and her husband. 

My sister I am pretty sure is BPD.  Now seeing the symptoms and behavior I can see that.  I recently went NC with my sister.  I have tried the last 3 years to support her and show my lover for her but she is really nasty, mean & just awful.   The drinking caught up with her.  I gave up.   

What am I left with?  Yes... .my husband and kids.  BUT... .I see my dad back hanging with my sister after he dropped the bomb that resulted in my going NC with her.    He did not require her to make an apology for her outburst and awful behavior towards him.

I am angry and for my kids I am angry too.  They have really been robbed of normal kind and loving family members to take an interest in them.   Robbed.   They will find people to bring into their lives that are kind & loving.     

Life is too short for anger.  I have to remind myself of this.  Let go and focus on what is GOOD.    Let go of what is NOT and will never be.       

I struggle too so I understand.     

[Ziggiddy]

flower211

I am so sorry for you to be in such a painful place right now. Anger/rage can be mixed up with so many other sensations and I really think it's worth taking a good look at the parts of that if you are able. We tend to feel angry not just from painful behaviour of other but our helplessness in the face of it. We can't stop other people from behaving the way they do but we CAN take steps so we don't feel helpless. In being in a mutual position - these are not YOUR direct kin - you can be feeling like you are stuck with them. In fact though, you still have many choices open to you. And yes, as you know that involves boundaries. It can be hard to grab the courage to negotiate the family minefield or to walk away so it might be worth looking harder at the reasons you are finding it hard to accept that they won't change.

Is it reminding you of anything? perhaps a time or times when you have been helpless? Are you able to negotiate with your husband as to your own boundaries separate from his? He may choose to interact despite being aware or somewhat aware of his mother's behaviour even while you don't. Is it possible that you are more frustrated by this than even the other things?

You say you are unable to walk away - could you clarify that at all?

As PF Change says, being angry is a natural outcome of being treated in ways we don't like. It's what we do with the anger that makes the difference. What would you like to DO with your anger? Take a run? Knock a bobo doll around? Write a story? Sit somewhere quiet and meditate?That will help you to express it. Looking at the real root causes by honest assessment of each part will help you not to just deal with the symptom but to find a way to draw out the thorn.

I hope you can find some peace, flower. it's awful to feel so angry and frustrated.

All the best,

Ziggiddy

[funfunctional]

Hi there,

yes... .I hope you can move on.    I think I went on a little too much about my own situation... .all to drive the point home that I empathize but went overboard.

I hope you can find ways to find peace in your life and heal.

The main point I was trying to make is that I understand and totally relate and even when we think we are healing it sneaks back up on us.

Focus on the positive people in your life.  Who you DO HAVE and not on who has not filled their role in life the way that you wanted them to. 

[flower211]

Wow. All your replies really hit me in a profound way, especially the part about focusing on the people who ARE a positive part of my life. For me that is my husband and children and friends.

And yes, it reminds me of a loss I faced as a child. At 9 years old, my parents divorced and my dad basically walked out of my life. I saw him summers but that was all (my mom and I moved cross the country) so I know what it is to feel helpless and powerless and afraid. The funny thing is, in all of this, I never acknowledged my anger at my father. I stuffed it- swallowed it. It made me sick too- I threw up for months.

Now I am facing a different kind of loss- and watching my husband lose his mother AND father, albeit in a different way, but loss is loss just the same.

I'm learning it's a grief process- we struggle and swing from anger to sorrow to complete gut wrenching sobs and back to numbness again.

Hoping it gets better :/