Ups and downs

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi,

I have been NC for a month now. I don't think about her in a nostalgic way and I am glad it is over.  But I can't seem to get back on track with my life. One day I am feeling ok and relatively optimistic and the next day completely raw.

My basic values e.g. to be nice to people, be generous and things will work themselves out, do the right thing, this sosrt of things have all gone to the bin. I feel ashamed for having had such values. I sometimes try to identify with my shadow side e.g. be more mean. It doesn't come out naturally but I feel shame being nice what in my mind now means a weak male.

Over the last couple of weeks I started questioning everything about me, my abilities, who am I, my entire life, what's the purpose of it all? I had a good job and was a good performer. I lost all of that. I am questioning everything. I am 33. I don't know what to do with my life anymore.

For me it is not about her - I have forgiven her and don't care to be with her, she 's a troubled soul (as I am). Now it is about me. Has anyone experienced that? Sometimes I feel there just something so inherently wrong with me and things will never be ok. I can't put the feeling into words... .

My self esteem has never been as low. It's almost as if I am completely lost in the ocean and have no compass. Some days like today I am losing the will to live. So I can't really focus on doing my work and then I am plagued with more and more guilt for being irresponsible... .Torturous... .

[freedom33]

Hi,

I have been NC for a month now. I don't think about her in a nostalgic way and I am glad it is over.  But I can't seem to get back on track with my life. One day I am feeling ok and relatively optimistic and the next day completely raw.

My basic values e.g. to be nice to people, be generous and things will work themselves out, do the right thing, this sosrt of things have all gone to the bin. I feel ashamed for having had such values. I sometimes try to identify with my shadow side e.g. be more mean. It doesn't come out naturally but I feel shame being nice what in my mind now means a weak male.

Over the last couple of weeks I started questioning everything about me, my abilities, who am I, my entire life, what's the purpose of it all? I had a good job and was a good performer. I lost all of that. I am questioning everything. I am 33. I don't know what to do with my life anymore.

For me it is not about her - I have forgiven her and don't care to be with her, she 's a troubled soul (as I am). Now it is about me. Has anyone experienced that? Sometimes I feel there just something so inherently wrong with me and things will never be ok. I can't put the feeling into words... .

My self esteem has never been as low. It's almost as if I am completely lost in the ocean and have no compass. Some days like today I am losing the will to live. So I can't really focus on doing my work and then I am plagued with more and more guilt for being irresponsible... .Torturous... .

[RisingSun]

Freedom, I feel your pain. I'm in the same place. I've been NC for just about three months. The ending of my 11 year relationship has left me feeling empty, utterly alone, confused and completely lost. I can't find much in my life or future that brings much happiness. Life right now feels like such an uphill battle it's almost not worth living. But we will get through this. Life is not worth giving up for anyone, no matter haw badly they hurt us.

You will start to feel better as time passes. There will be a lot of ups and downs. It's not a smooth road to recovery. But know you will recover, it's inevitable. If you're here posting on these boards then you're moving forward in a healthy way. Take as much time as you need. There's no hurry to get past this. No set time that you need to feel 100%. Each situation and person has their own unique way to heal. Trust that you'll find the way which best suits you.

The whole relationship and it's ending is a traumatic set of events. Trauma at this level is nothing to take lightly, as you're experiencing. It's to be expected that you'll feel all the emotion you're going through. What you're feeling is a natural consequence of the situation. Now's not the time to blame yourself for anything you might have done wrong. Looking at where you went wrong in this relationship is best left alone for now. Wait until you've gotten over the trauma of losing this person. When that pain has subsided then you'll be in a better place to gain a fuller more clear understanding of your role in the relationship. Take it one step at a time.

There is nothing inherently wrong with you. These people have a way of blowing up and amplifying our deep seated issues. Take all that you feel about yourself right now with a grain of salt. Your brain chemistry is off balance. It's nearly impossible to gain a clear perspective of ourselves when in this unbalanced state.

You're being responsible. The most important thing you can do right now is focus on yourself. You need time to heal and get your feet back on solid ground. You just came through a hung life changing event. Don't expect to hit the ground running. Be kind to yourself. Hold whatever you're feeling in a kind space. Be patient and relax as much as you need to. A new life is waiting for you. I know it doesn't feel that way now but it's the truth.

I'm having one of those days as well. Woke up this morning with such dread. I don't know how I got out of bed. But I did and that's something to feel good about, however small that may seem, it's a step forward.

[Rifka]

Freedom,

I'm sorry that you feel so lost right now.

There are many times in life that many people basically restart their lives.

There can be many different reasons that this happens. For example a geographical move, a death, loss of a job, divorce, change of life. And so many more reasons.

Sometimes it is our choice, sometimes it's forced and we are scrambling to re evaluate ourselves and figure out the now what's?

Sometimes it can be hard to see this as a great opportunity to possibly learn more or try something new in life.

I have about twenty years on you, and I can say this has happened a couple of times already in my life.

It will happen again soon when my children leave our home to pursue their own dreams and life. I will have an empty house, empty nest and figure out what my next path or purpose in life is other than mom!

Do you have a t?

Is your resume up to date? You could start working on that.

What is your passion?

what do you love to do?

Have you put anything off for the time you were in your past r/s?

Can you do that now?

I was given a hard time about traveling, so I put it on the back burner while in the relationship to avoid fighting. The week I ended the r/s I booked a family trip to the Bahamas for early next year!

Just an example.

You have the world standing in front of you shining and ready for you to do what you do best.

Now you just have to lunge forward and do it.

Baby steps are good!

I have changed my jobs from one extreme to the other extreme in my life about 3 major times already.

I went back to school at 48 years old to acquire new certifications in my passions.

Try to see the positive and all of the opportunity in front of you.

I know it's scary, but it could be exciting and amazing if you alter your thought process just slightly.

Hugs to you freedom.

You have come this far and you know that you are a survivor!

You can do this! One foot in front of the other.

Rifka

[drummerboy]

Freedom, we can go through something as traumatic as being with a BPD and come out the other side bitter, sad people. Or we can take the time to remove ourselves from the battle and tend to our wounds. We do have wounds, deep wounds and nothing anyone can say can soothe them. Something deep and primal was touched. Why? Because we are people that really live and really feel. Most people go through life on a sort of banal straight line, not us. We love deeply and get hurt deeply, you can't have one without the other. I've been in agony but its caused me to look deeply inside myself. I've discovered scars that I've carried all my life, but the upside of this nightmare is that now I can tend to those scars.

It's not about my ex anymore, oh sure I often wish that the infatuation stage could return, the time when everything was perfect. But it was an illusion, it wasn't real. Yes it felt real and it was beautiful but it was too good to be true. We can't change the past but we do have control over the future, and the future is a new you, with more wisdom and insight than you ever thought possible.

Hang in there, we are not going anywhere and are here for you.

Hugs to you.

[myself]

It's not weak to be generous and nice. Those are strengths. You just tried sharing them with someone who couldn't reciprocate, and acted out when she couldn't, which hurt you. So now you're healing from that, which will take time. There will be ups and downs during the process, because you're finding balance. Many of us are farther out of our r/s and still feeling this. Having been where you are now, I can say it does get better. The intensity and heaviness will fade. Moments of happiness will return, and then more of them, and more. You just have to keep focusing on you, not your ex, doing the work you need to do and cutting yourself some slack for the times you're not functioning as well as you feel you could. You'll get there. This is a huge life event you're going through, and if you were seeing it as you just snap your fingers and are done with it, there would probably really be something wrong with you, as it doesn't work like that. Keep digging. There's gold there.

[RedDove]

Freedom, I too feel your pain, it's raw and it's real and you must be patient and kind to yourself. Feel those feelings and work through them and focus on yourself.

Like you, I'm at still at the beginning stage, 2+ months NC. I also was laid off from a job/career I loved just 2 weeks prior to ending it with my ex BPDbf. It's a double loss you are experiencing and that makes it so much more difficult. We were hit with 2 major curve balls instead of just one!   I myself wonder if the loss of my job was due to the stress from my BPD exbf. Regardless if it was or wasn't, I will not let my encounter with this man define my life or destroy me. I also wonder if loosing my job was the universes way of giving me the time I need to work on myself and recover. I'm going with the later and considering it a gift to take the time I need for myself.

As others mentioned, you will go through changes and transitions in your life and yes they are difficult, but not impossible to overcome. This is the second time I was laid off from a career/field I love. The first time I was 40. I'm older than you, and just turned 48 (today is my birthday). I picked myself up by my bootstraps that first time and reinvented myself. I can and "will" do it again!

Just allow yourself the time you need to heal. Do not loose the kind, caring, loving person that you are! They are wonderful qualities that were just given to a very disordered individual who was incapable of valuing, appreciating them, or returning them.

When you're ready, get up each day at the same time, weather it's 8am or 10am, doesn't matter. Get on the computer, update your resume and search for a job. Take your hands away from the keyboard after a few hours, grab a bottle of water, headphones, favorite tunes on your iPhone and take a walk around the block. You'll be amazed at how much it helps. Your adrenaline gets pumping and you'll find each day you have more energy. This has really helped me to keep moving forward.

My ex BPDbf lives 1/4 mile down the road. So you know what I do? I walk in the opposite direction. Not just so I don't risk a run in, but to me it's turning my back and walking away from the emotional abuse, pain and him. And yes, some days I cry whilst walking, but I wear sunglasses and its a healthy release of all that hurt and pain.

It will get better, just give yourself some time and be kind to yourself. 

[freedom33]

Thanks for your thoughts and support guys. I really appreciate it. I am feeling a bit better now. It 's usually every other day, I go into this dark place where everything seems negative. She also called me yesterday from an unknown number and when I heard who she was I hang up. It's tough. We were supposed to be on holidays in the med as of today... .That's probably impacting me too. Not that I 'd consciously want to. I do want to restart my life. I need to go through this first bit of complete disorientation and then I 'd be in a better position to know what to do. The truth is Rifka that I don't have answers to most of those questions you raised and not in a position to even start considering them. I am a bit lost. I was in an 8 year rs with my partner and I almost forgot my wants and needs during that time. I got into the whole corporate ladder thing and forgot my values and wants to make money and sustain our lifestyle and supposedly getting married and having a family. The whole thing fell through and we broke up in the end - amicably at least which gives me hope that I and her were a relatively healthy couple. I met my BPDx after a few months we broke up with my my healthy ex. That was the final blow. Now I just have to stay still for a while. No women and no rushed decisions. Just stay with it.

[KHC_33]

I can understand how you feel. I have been NC for almost a year now. Even though people that we know tell me he has moved on, there are others that say he still wants to talk to me. I have no interest at all. I do not wish harm or anything on him. I am glad he is able to "move" on and I wish him well.

Guilt ... that is something I struggle with. Thinking somehow I didn't do enough. Maybe I should have stayed and fought? Even though  his actions were so detrimental to my health and my children. I have memories of us flash and I wondered if it was just a dream? Did I just make it all up. Where were we for the past 7 years together? How did it get so terrible? Why didn't I see the signs before?

I only feel guilt for wasting so much time. Time is never on our side. Once it is gone. It's gone. That is why every moment is so important. That part of the relationship hurts the most. I promised myself I would never waste my life or be held in bondage again like I was with my mother. I brought myself right back into it.

Luckily I left and I moved out. I moved to a different city, my children are happy and I am happily engaged. However... .this is the kicker... .

Moving on is great. BUT... .there is something deeper. You have to be willing to move on mentally and emotionally. Even subconsciously. Anyone can just move on physically. Just call the movers, pack your stuff and be on your way. BUT... .moving on mentally when you aren't ready is like leaving your wallet at the house where you just left. Unfortunately having no keys to get in because you don't live there any more... .that is a tough one.

I cannot tell you how extremely important your mental and emotional state is to moving on. I thought  a year ago I was completely done. Lately my past has been kicking my butt all the way. I have compared my ex to my fiancé numerous of times, wow he doesn't do this, he is so amazing, wow my ex did this... .uhmmm why am I bringing this up?

Not because I still love him but my mind is still wheeling the fact that the shame and guilt not doing something sooner, or seeing it for what it was or is. I am a perfectionist by nature and knowing that I had the most imperfect far from loving relationship was beyond me. I had a very difficult time when my father left too. It was like my soul being ripped out. The abandonment and the rejection and the fact that I felt something I did not want to feel and I couldn't stop it.

No one wants to be rejected or hurt. There is a proper way to hurt and then there is just hurting all the time because of an illnesses of someone you deeply love. It burns you to the point where you cannot cope with the normalcy of disappointment or pain when it is such a small scale.

Hugs. We are all there for you. Life has so much to offer. You may not see it or even feel it but it does. Life needs you. You were put on this planet for a reason. Find strength in positive people and bring your mind and body back to balance. You will not resolve everything all at once. It doesn't happen that way. Bit by bit.

Thinking of you.

[myself]

Now I just have to stay still for a while. No women and no rushed decisions. Just stay with it.

That's one area of this where I've been down on myself sometimes. Thinking it's taking too long to get over her, get past this stuff, move on to another r/s or whatever. But it takes as long as it takes. I work at it, and with self reflection, facing facts, talking with a T and people here, am learning to not hold myself to a schedule as far as healing. I see the progress that's occurring. I spend as much time 'staying still' as possible, becoming more and more aware of who I am, where I've been, and where I'm going. If I jumped into something new with someone but was still too unbalanced, it would not be good for any of us (which is one thing pwBPD could get a better handle on). Many of us are right there with you, Freedom33, taking things more slowly to be more sure. Some of this may linger, but most of it we'll deal with. In time.

[Suspicious1]

I've been there too, and I've also been there while beating myself up about how long it's taking. Thinking there was something wrong with me for not moving forwards quicker, particularly as I was so keen to leave him and move on. I'm usually pretty good at getting over relationships.

I'm nearly four months down the line and I'm feeling much better, but even a month ago I was still feeling broken. I've spent four months reading, journaling, learning. It's been a Summer from hell but I feel healthier than I've ever felt now. I really thought I'd never get to this point.

Hang on in there and be kind to yourself x