The "no good"child of a BPD mother

[harmony*star]

I just found this site and cannot figure out how to get started.  Essentially, I am the child of a BPD, embarrassed to say that I am facing my 60th birthday, and have FINALLY initiated the no contact with the elderly frail mother.  I can't take the abuse any longer.  She has five children, 1 suicided (which should tell you something) and i at times entertain the thought.  Of the remaining 5, I have been designated the "bad one".  It makes no difference who i am, I happen to be a disabled college professor and a world published author.  it doesn't matter.  Nothing I say has any validity, everything is my fault, I'm just no good, no good, no good.  It hurts so much i just cry.  i have had a career that looks like a checkerboard and a wake of failed relationships and i want a life before i die.  I want to be free of the chronic criticism, bullying and blame.  i want to be welcomed, loved and accepted.  My homeopath told me to divorce my family.  That's where I'm at.  can anyone relate?  thank you

[catnap]

  harmony*star

I am so glad that you have found us and YES! our members that have parents with BPD can most certainly relate.  You are a worthy person who deserves to live a happy life and be loved. 


We have an extensive amount of educational material as well as a boards where peers can share their stories and support each other. 

Understanding the Borderline Mother

Borderline Personality Disorder can manifest itself in multiple ways. In her book, Understanding The Borderline Mother, Dr. Christine Lawson describes four role types which BPD is exemplified by:

~the Waif,

~the Hermit,

~the Queen, and

~the Witch.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and

Witch

When you are ready, please check out the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board.  Please feel free to start posting and/or reading.

Take care of you!

catnap

[ScarletOlive]

Hey there harmony*star,

Glad you're here, but sorry for the pain you've gone through. You are not alone here. So many of us have gone through similar, including many of us who were bullied, counted as the bad child, and told we could do no good. Of course it hurts, dear one, and it's no wonder you cry. I am very sorry for the loss of your sibling. That must be very tough as well.  

Like catnap said, there are many resources here and so much support from our fellow members. You will find great strength in the knowledge that you are not alone and can heal. Please know that you do deserve much better than you've had. You're worth it.

How are you doing at taking care of yourself? I know you will fit here. Keep posting and sharing your story. We're here to listen. Sending you much caring for your day.

[Islandgrl]

Hi harmony star

There are plenty of people here who can relate - myself included.  I'm also the no good child of a BPD mother.  You can't change your BPD mother but you can change the way you feel about yourself. The dr Christine Lawson book recommended above, is a good one and a good place to start - have you read it?  I'm sorry you had to deal with having a BPD mother but coming on here will definitely help you heal.

[Kwamina]

Hello harmony*star 

Yes I can relate! Sorry to hear you're feeling like this, unfortunately BPD parents often have this effect on their children. I understand your sense of embarrassment, but there's really no need for it. You'll find that there are a lot of people on here who can relate to your story and who've experienced similar things.

In spite of all the things your mother has done to you, to me it seems like you still managed to accomplish a lot. College professor and a world published author ain't bad at all 

We all wanna be loved and welcomed but the painful reality is that our BPD loved ones often are unable or unwilling to change. You can change yourself though. My advice would be to look for love and acceptance within. The constant negativity and criticism is very difficult to deal with indeed, but there are ways to cope. Have you ever heard of/tried cognitive behavior therapy (CBT)? The CBT-techniques can help you combat the internalized critical voice.

Well take care and keep your head up! You're not alone in this struggle.

[Daisybird]

I can relate too.  I am and always have been "the bad one".  I've gone through a lot of therapy and read every book I could get my hands on to help me realize that I have worth and that I really am pretty OK. 

But, there are times when someone compliments me when I think, "You must be mistaken.  You obviously don't know me.".   It's not fair that we were forced into this role by the person who should be our biggest cheerleader and softest place to land.  Our moms didn't do "mom" right, but if we survived as long as we have, we have strength.  That strength is what helped me set boundries and become the mom I always knew I needed - for myself. 

Good luck- and you are not alone.  And neither am I!  I'm so glad I found this place!

[lanaharvey]

We will never have the unconditional love of a mother. No matter how we reach out, no matter how much abuse we endure, we may see glimmers of it that keep us hooked, but we will never have it.

I'm still dealing with that resentment. It's so unfair that we were denied something so important to our development and self-esteem, something that it seems that every other person takes for granted.

Your mother should be proud of your accomplishments. Hell, a mother should love and support her children even if they don't warrant pride.

Be proud of yourself. Know that without support YOU did it. YOU had the resilience (perhaps because you had to be your own champion) to accomplish things that any normal mother would be proud of.

You deserve praise and love. I'm sorry that your mother is incapable of giving it to you. We're all in the same boat.

[mil-bpd/npd]

Hello and welcome,

I hear you say that you are embarrassed about discovering your mother's illness and going NC around your 60th birthday. Feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are... .   Our therapist told my Husband and I, (he's 55) that some people never realize that their parent is mentally ill and never know enough to protect themselves. So it doesn't matter when you finally see the truth, it just matters that you now do.

I wish you peace in this journey. You deserve to be happy.

[jmanvo2015]

I just found this post, but realize my response is really late.  But I can really relate to what you say about your mother's constant criticism.  I am 45 and recently moved back in with my BPD/NPD mom and NPD stepfather.  Gosh, they are awful   :'(  

They range from miserable to violently angry.  Mostly they're just miserable and critical all the time.  I don't even do anything and they're critical.  I just stay in the little room they've granted me - don't even really feel like it's mine.

I am so envious of the people here like you that have gone NC.  I wish I had the financial and emotional resources to do that - to start all over again somewhere I want to be, like Oregon or Northern CA.  As it stands now, I feel stuck here in South Florida, which I hate, for reasons relating to my mother and I feel unable to leave.  I'm kind of trapped.  I'm single and haven't worked in the past four months - my bills are piling up and my credit rating is tanking.  So, how could I actually leave? 

And then, being an only child, who would care for them?  What would happen to them?  How could I live with myself knowing I abandoned them when they were moving towards a point in their lives when they cant' take care of themselves? 

I feel so trapped. I wish I were like Cindarella and I could summon a fairy godmother who would grant me another life.  Sigh.